We've been married over 35 years. I had been taking him to his apts., etc. but working full time as well. He was constantly diagnosed negative for Dementia. So they moved him out and one of his nieces is a caregiver. She took over his social security, inheritance, and they have totally cut me out. Now they say he is scared of me which doesn't make sense at all. He never expressed that to me, ever. Only that he was afraid he might hurt me. The last time I saw him all he did was say he still loved me but they needed to find out what was wrong with him. He repeats what they say. They have now taken his DL away and become his conservator. I'm not sure what to believe. Could it be possible he is scared of me for some reason due to the FTL Dementia? I know it's a rarer form of dementia and harder to diagnose. I need advice I guess. Should I learn more about it and keep trying or learn how to move on with my life? I've been asked not to speak to him because it will be a setback for him.
If you really don’t care about the money, let them have him. Gather up all his things and take them over. You need to take care of yourself.
Now - watch how fast they try to dump him back on you once he starts getting expensive.
This story gets more and more odd.
No one can "get" a divorce for someone. People sue for divorce one spouse against the other, or they agree on a divorce.
You are legally married? Then you are next of kin unless your husband actually appointed someone ELSE as his POA/guardian. YOU would be his guardian almost automatically before the courts in almost any state in the union EVEN in the event he has children from a first marriage.
Someone swooping into your home and secreting your husband out of the home would be a kidnapping, especially if he is helpless and under your legal care by documentation.
I am not understanding this at all, and can only guess there is much missing in this story, and again recommend to you an attorney who DOES know this entire story.
This situation you’re in is ridiculous!! Nobody from the family can just come in and remove him! Are you kidding me? That’s a crime! If Social Services or Office of the Aging demanded it due to abuse, that’s another story, Something doesn’t make sense here. FTD is a despicable disease and gets worse by the month. My husband is in the last stage - nonverbal and doesn’t know many commands anymore- not even the word “no”. It’s not a walk in the park, but, you should find out everything you can about it, get to a support group and a brain scan if he hasn’t had one already. The fact that the family took over and removed him is crazy!
Can you please return to answer some questions posted here, and to let us know if you have retained counsel of an attorney in this matter.
We would so appreciate more information and an update.
Regarding researching frontal-temporal lobe dementia (or any form of dementia), you cannot find anything so specific as whether a husband might be afraid of his spouse. It's enough to know that it is a serious form of dementia and that at some point--perhaps that point was already reached--he cannot be left alone. You've indicated that you continued to work full-time as he has been declining. Could it be that the situation while you are at work is unsafe for him, and that's why his relatives had him removed from your home? I'm bewildered on this point, because in one place you seemed to indicate he was still working outside the home. Could you clarify? Also, while we've suggested you call APS, you have written that you've spent $10,000 on a lawyer. What is the lawyer trying to do for you, and has she/he had any success?
I hesitate to offer any advice about your speaking to your husband, but if you can speak with him and want to do so, you might consider whether the relatives are simply making an excuse to keep you from talking with him. How can they know if it will be a "setback" for him if you talk with him? You matter, too, and it may be very helpful for you to talk with him. If the relatives want to keep him from talking with you and one of them has conservatorship, she/he could probably do so, but so far, you've simply been asked not to talk with him.
I'm sorry to ask so many questions, but I think most of us are still having difficulty understanding the situation, and that is making it difficult to try to offer you advice that might be helpful. The lawyer on whom you've spent $10,000 should be better equipped to advise you than we are. Can you explain how we might be able to help you in ways that the lawyer has not been helpful? We are saddened by your situation, but I think many of us are unclear on what we can do to better it.
They will investigate. You need to tell them that your husband has been taken by the family and you suspect ELDER ABUSE AND FRAUD.
Ask them to investigate. Give them any proof of history of dementia.
If their finding is that your husband is competent to make this decision then he is competent enough for you to sue him for divorce, get division of assets, and make a new life. See an attorney the day you know he is considered competent under the law to make his own decisions.
Pretty simple. He either is competent and prefers to be with family and give them his money; you just need to protect YOUR HALF of the assets.
If he is incompetent the APS can assist you in getting temporary guardianship, removal and placement, but make no mistake, this could be a legal fight. Be sure you care enough to protect him and want his entire care, financial and otherwise on you. And be sure you want to/are capable of being his guardian. It is a LEGAL financial fiduciary duty which makes you responsible for every penny in and every penny out. You become a file drawer.
I hope you have already protected whatever funds you can yourself move. If that isn't done then DO IT TODAY.
You will soon enough need an attorney. The question is whether elder law or divorce.
Are you married to him? Who has the DPOA?
And if you live in a community property state, then they can't remove a spouse as a beneficiary without your written permission.
If your husband has nothing wrong with him he can call the police and tell them he's been kidnapped because he has been.
His niece could not have taken over his social security and become his Payee for it unless she has legal POA documents. You mention there being a 'conservator'. Is such is the case that is the person in control here.
You should pobably talk to a lawyer yourself. They can best direct you on what your next move should be.
It's not possible for someone to just "take over his social security." If his checks are being mailed to him at someone else's address, he could endorse them and turn them over to her. But it has to be of his own free will. Please be aware that if he dies, you have been married long enough to be entitled to his social security retirement benefits. You'll need his social security number and date of birth, and you can visit a social security office or call them to find out if you are eligible.
He has a responsibility to you if you are his legal spouse. If I were you, I'd report him as kidnapped. Elder abuse may be happening. Report that at the same time.
I wish you luck.
The Social Security Administration does not allow the benefit to be changed unless a person with POA or conservatorship presents these documents and has themselves changed to being the Payee of it for another person.
If he does have FTD, and you're working full-time, maybe his family is concerned he's not getting the care he needs.
If he repeats himself, this is, at a minimum, short-term memory impairment. I would not be leaving someone home alone all day who had this problem. We had to transition my MIL into AL because of this. It's not safe. People with memory loss and dementia will often tell incorrect stories to others. Paranoia is also a symptom of dementia. He may be telling his family he's afraid you because of his paranoia.
And, dementia is progressive, so his care needs will certainly increase. If you're working FT, how to you plan to care for him then and support yourself?
You are his wife and have the final say as to where your husband lives and about his care.
Why did you allow them to just come in and take him away? Do you not love or care about your husband anymore and were just glad to wash your hands of him?
If that's the case, then just see a divorce lawyer and move on with your life and let your husband get the proper care that he needs and deserves.
You may need to share the whole story if you really want to get the best advice, because without it, all any of us can do is read between the lines.
But I am assuming there is another side to the story because what you have written here is truly bizarre.
I don't understand your question, "Should I learn more about it and keep trying or learn how to move on with my life? I've been asked not to speak to him because it will be a setback for him." You're married to the man for 35 years. Are you okay never seeing or speaking to him again because his family says it'll be a setback for him? They've plowed their way into your home and removed your husband from it! If you're fine with that, then move on with your life. If you're not fine with all of this, call an Elder Care attorney about YOUR RIGHTS AS HIS WIFE.
Me? I'd have already learned everything possible about FTD and have thrown a huge fit about what my husband's family did. But I'm a fighter and an advocate for those I love.
Good luck to you.