We found out tonight that not only is the caregiver living there but has moved in her niece full time. Plus now there’s a husband hanging out there, too. ok, and this is in a room with all their parents finances and their unlocked computer.
The parents are both legally competent but dh sees them slipping.
What would you do?
The inlaws have always been a mess.
Back away. Let SIL handle it or not. They are competent and of age. Stay away from them. If hubby wants to handle it let him, but have him tell a counselor his woes, not you.
You can't do anything about any of this. This is poor decision making at its screaming worst.
Back away from it and get on with a quality of life.
You don't owe anyone here explanations of how crazy this is; pretty much we are ongoing witnesses.
These situations tend to spill over and affect others in the family.
It’s difficult to deal with because the children naturally want to protect their parents.
A number of years ago, my 2 SILs (husband's sister, husband's brother's widow) "rescued" an acquaintance of theirs one summer. They moved this woman and 5 of her 6 various aged children in with them and then helped her find a house (actually, husband's brother's widow BOUGHT them a house, but that's a whole other saga). This was the kind of woman that never had enough for rent, food, transportation, etc., but always seemed to be able to come up with enough money to fly down to Disney in FL to "visit" her eldest daughter. And of course, go to the parks while she was there!
Of course, this sort of financial arrangement wasn't sustainable for my SILs' in the long term, and eventually they began asking this woman to start kicking in for things. The more they asked for, the chillier the "friendship" became, until eventually, the bloom was off the rose, she got a better living arrangement offer from one of her sister's and moved away without even a "thanks for the memories." I was actually surprised she didn't sneak off in the middle of the night, TBH.
Anyway, in answer to your question what did I do? Well, I did exactly nothing. They never asked for my opinion (although I'm sure they knew what it was) and I never offered one. While I found it infuriating to see my SILs' being so blatantly taken advantage of, they never asked me to help finance this woman and it was their money to do with as they wished. They also never asked us to make up any shortfall they were personally having due to financing this leech. And in all honesty, there wasn't anything to be accomplished by chastising them other than risking my relationship with them, which I wasn't willing to do.
If your in-laws feel the need to "rescue" this woman - and some people are drawn to that kind of role - then I'm afraid you can't really do anything other than perhaps ***gently*** express your concerns over the situation. It sucks, but sometimes that's where we find ourselves in life.
I can’t play around with the kid playing at caregiving, because the law sees that as child labor. And if or when the kid falls down the stairs that’s potentially even a bigger lawsuit than if the cg herself fell. Oh, btw, the cg just reported a fall recently, so there’s that.
My grief counselor told me unprompted how often he sees old people sign away everything to their caregiver. It’s a terrible thing for a caregiver to gaslight an old person into believing.
Trust your gut instincts. Speak to your husband about how you feel. I certainly hope that he is keeping his eyes open.
I recently had lunch with a good friend. I inquired about her situation regarding her godmother’s illness and rather sudden death.
Her godmother told her that she was leaving everything to her. She had no children of her own and considered my friend as her own child.
Somehow her godmother’s caregivers got her to sign documents and they were able to obtain everything that she owned. I mean everything, her condo, her car, her jewelry, etc.
It’s horrible that her godmother’s last wishes weren’t fulfilled. She was sick and thought that she was being well cared for but in reality she was deceived and taken advantage of.
There are great caregivers and horrible caregivers. It’s just like all other professions in life that have good and bad workers.
My friend is devastated about what occurred.
Best wishes, Peggy.
Burnt seems to think it’s ok as she came cheap. Well no, it’s more like this is how they scam sweet old people by pretending to be their friend.
https://www.justice.gov/elderjustice/prosecutors/statutes
1. The child staying there poses enormous risk. If cg uses their address to get her into a better district then they are tenants. She wouldn’t have to even do his diaper being that she’s moved in her whole alleged fam rent free Plus all we know maybe this aunt is keeping the kid from the rest of the family involuntarily.
2. The husband will not be coming back after he leaves for his own country. She gets paid a salary of over 120k, and can surely afford a super8.
Bottom line, you don’t bring family into work as everyone who has worked a real job knows.
Suppose their child becomes ill, then they will have to tend to their child instead of their client. Kids get sick or have accidents while playing at the drop of a hat.
It doesn’t make any sense to bring a child to work. It’s not fair to anyone involved. A child shouldn’t be in this environment. They need adult supervision.
You’re right, who else is able to bring their child to work? This is what daycare is for. If a daycare isn’t convenient for the hours needed, then hire a babysitter.
Perhaps DH could have a talk with his parents about what they are getting out of it. Are they lonely? Is it the company they want? Are the dynamics 'interesting'? Do they feel good about ‘helping’? Why do these people need ‘help’?
It could be time for tours of some particularly nice Senior Living or even Assisted Living places, with lots of activities.
We are supposed to prepare for our own futures rather than rely on our children. I can see by the points brought up here that it would need careful arrangement. I'm not so sure that it would be a bad thing for wills to be changed eventually.
Adult children should expect us to use our resources for our care, right?
I don’t remember if you said anything about your in-laws having a will. Do they?
Even if they do have a will, people who are manipulative are sometimes able to convince others to change their wills.
For me, safety is the number one priority, but you don’t want these people to inherit something that they don’t deserve or wasn’t ever intended to be theirs.
There’s always going to be exceptions in certain cases where the normal standards aren’t applied.
I respect the decision for people to leave money or property to whoever they choose when it is warranted. I don’t respect those who swindle people out of their belongings.
I know of a man who married his caregiver so that she would inherit his estate.
She happened to be an amazing caregiver. His family were not a part of his life in any way so he left everything to her.
He didn’t expect anything from her. They had separate bedrooms. He was grateful for her care and he simply wanted to show his appreciation.
She had a fight on her hands with his family when he died but she won. She didn’t coerce him. She didn’t have a child living with her. She was a citizen and so on. She wasn’t in a gang or had any other questionable things in her life. It was all on the up and up.
The situation with your in-laws has red flags all over the place. Very disturbing!
One of my good friends recently went through a horrible experience. Her godmother intended to leave everything to her. She was very close to her godmother. The caregivers somehow ended up getting her godmother to change her will and they got the condo, furniture, car, jewelry, etc.
My friend was devastated that her godmother’s initial wishes were not fulfilled.
The material things weren’t important to my friend. She would have appreciated having them but she was more devastated knowing that her godmother was bamboozled out of them by these two extremely deceiving women. Her godmother had no children and looked at my friend as her own child.
If legal documents are signed by your in-laws, you’re going to have a hell of a time trying to reverse the situation. That’s if it is even possible to reverse.
People who con others for a living are extremely wise and know how to play the game. They can easily take advantage of others.
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