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From your profile: About Me My name is Sara and I take care of my mom who suffered a stroke in 2020 with my brother
This is preventing me from having true freedom and autonomy where I can go out and meet people, make friends and find true love!
She still creates rules for me even though I am 29 years old like I can't wear certain dresses because they are too revealing (off-the-shoulder and strapless) I can't learn how to drive, I can't drink alcohol, etc
What do I do?
How can I cope? ******************************
First off, you cannot move your mother into managed care w/o her consent, unless you hold both POAs for her and she's deemed incompetent mentally or physically to live independently any longer. No matter how much you want to move her out of her home, and no matter how badly she's 'cramping your style', you can't do so without certain protocols in place first. She is 70 years old, which is young by today's standards.
Second of all, my mother fell 3x a day while living IN Assisted Living some days. There is no guarantee your mother will not fall while living in managed care. It depends why she's falling, which you need to have properly diagnosed by her doctor BEFORE anything else can be decided.
Sounds to me like your mom needs to have a full physical and mental evaluation by her PCP and get a diagnosis/diagnoses going before anything else can happen. And then you'll need her consent, more than likely, before you can make further decisions on her behalf. And make sure these decisions are made with HER best interests at heart, and not YOURS! Where is the money coming from to finance her stay in AL or a Skilled Nursing Facility? Do you or your brother hold the FPOA for her and if so, is there enough money to pay for her care?
There are many questions to be answered here before you jump to the conclusion that mom needs AL.
Your profile says that you are caring for your mom with Alzheimer’s disease.
I would think that you would gain piece of mind by placing your mom in an assisted living facility. You can then return to being her daughter instead of her caregiver.
Your mother’s disease will continue to progress and she will require more and more care.
Wishing you peace as you continue on this caregiving journey.
Why would you get a friend to be her POA and not u or brother? The person that takes on this responsibility needs to be honest because they will be overseeing Moms money.
Your profile says Mom suffers from a Dementia, if so, she is not competent to assign a POA. Your only choice is to get guardianship and you can use Moms money to get it. You will need to prove she is incompetent to make informed decisions. You will need a lawyer for this. Once you have it, you can place her.
She needs to see her MD. Question re the falls is "WHY are they happening". There is nothing to preclude falls in ALF, and this many would involve them saying she is not in correct placement. Wishing you the best.
Why is she falling? Is the house senior proof? So she didn't trip on a rug, etc? Maybe she is weak and needs PT to make her safer? And, falls do happen.
I can’t remember if you have POA. If you do, the answer is to use it. If you don’t, the answer is to stop providing ‘fake independence’, so that M has no alternative because she can't cope by herself. Explain this also to the neighbor who has helped propping up the ‘independence’.
There are all kinds of reasons for falls. Most of them revolve around lack of muscle strength to recover when the body detects that is is off balance. This is assuming that there isn't some physical obstacle like a rug or her shoes to make her fall.
Is she using a walker? If not, she needs one. Medicare will pay for it. Don't do a cane as I do believe it contributes to falling (my opinion and only my opinion) since most people don't use a cane properly.
She could use a rollator if she has enough hand strength to squeeze the breaks. My Mom resisted the walker as she wanted the rollator...she didn't have the coordination or hand strength to use it....but I had to prove it to her.
Also, I would get her to a doctor and talk about the falls.
Falls by themselves are not helped by Assisted Living or Memory Care. 24x7 supervised companionship plus a heavy dose of Physical Therapy prevents falls. Most Assisted Living or Memory Care do NOT provide 24x7 watch without extra cost. MC encouraged my Mom to use a wheelchair instead of walking, to lessen the chance of a fall. The problem with using a wheelchair is that now, she really doesn't get any exercise, her blood circulation is worse, and she needs a lot more roughage so that food passes out of her body. She has gained a lot of weight because of the lack of physical exercise. Getting out of the wheelchair, to the toilet, and back to the wheelchair is infinitely harder due to lack of exercise of those muscles.
If the catalyst for the fall is a bad leg, is she shuffling on one leg? Does she actually pick up both legs to walk or is one leg dragged behind the other? PT can help that or identify that and get some exercises going to strengthen up the rest of the body.
I'm not quite sure what you are trying to achieve. With the little information I see, it sounds more like what your Mom needs is an in-home caregiver or companion in addition to some medical attention to work on the falls.
If your Mom has been diagnosed with bad enough dementia that she can no longer make day-to-day decisions, you might be SOL for getting anything legal done.
If your Mom doesn't want to move and money is not a concern, I suggest that you hire an agency to provide 24 x 7 care of her in her home. If you are living in that house and you don't want to take care of her, then I suggest you move out once you are able to find an agency to do full time care.
The OP says, "We are not her Power of Attorney and I don't think anyone is so maybe my first step is to find someone who can be designated as my mom's POA
I would not have included this until you mentioned swatting at family. Lashing out, threatening personal safety, or safety to others qualifies for calling an ambulance and requesting the Baker Act so that she cannot refuse for up to 72 hours. It is at that point if anyone calls you for her to be discharged that you have to claim "unsafe" That obligates the doctor and social worker that she needs skilled nursing due to weakness and falls.
Previous posts indicate the OP & brother have disabilities & are not able at this stage to live independently yet. There have been many questions & replies to other threads from the OP about trying to be free of Mom, have Mom lighten up or move out.
It appears to me the OP sees Mom as the blocker to her adult & romantic life.
I believe Mom (whatever her dx is) is the one caring for her adult kids here. Maybe they all support each other..?Normal amount of teen wishful independence going on..? But of course I have no idea on the actual situation.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
About Me
My name is Sara and I take care of my mom who suffered a stroke in 2020 with my brother
This is preventing me from having true freedom and autonomy where I can go out and meet people, make friends and find true love!
She still creates rules for me even though I am 29 years old like I can't wear certain dresses because they are too revealing (off-the-shoulder and strapless) I can't learn how to drive, I can't drink alcohol, etc
What do I do?
How can I cope?
******************************
First off, you cannot move your mother into managed care w/o her consent, unless you hold both POAs for her and she's deemed incompetent mentally or physically to live independently any longer. No matter how much you want to move her out of her home, and no matter how badly she's 'cramping your style', you can't do so without certain protocols in place first. She is 70 years old, which is young by today's standards.
Second of all, my mother fell 3x a day while living IN Assisted Living some days. There is no guarantee your mother will not fall while living in managed care. It depends why she's falling, which you need to have properly diagnosed by her doctor BEFORE anything else can be decided.
Sounds to me like your mom needs to have a full physical and mental evaluation by her PCP and get a diagnosis/diagnoses going before anything else can happen. And then you'll need her consent, more than likely, before you can make further decisions on her behalf. And make sure these decisions are made with HER best interests at heart, and not YOURS! Where is the money coming from to finance her stay in AL or a Skilled Nursing Facility? Do you or your brother hold the FPOA for her and if so, is there enough money to pay for her care?
There are many questions to be answered here before you jump to the conclusion that mom needs AL.
She is just being resistant to change and it's taking a toll on me and my brother!
We are not her Power of Attorney and I don't think anyone is so maybe my first step is to find someone who can be designated as my mom's POA
Our friend Debbie is a good candidate
Able to get herself back up?
Been injured?
Who would you call if Mom is unwell or injured?
I would think that you would gain piece of mind by placing your mom in an assisted living facility. You can then return to being her daughter instead of her caregiver.
Your mother’s disease will continue to progress and she will require more and more care.
Wishing you peace as you continue on this caregiving journey.
This is stressful to me and my brother!
Your profile says Mom suffers from a Dementia, if so, she is not competent to assign a POA. Your only choice is to get guardianship and you can use Moms money to get it. You will need to prove she is incompetent to make informed decisions. You will need a lawyer for this. Once you have it, you can place her.
Question re the falls is "WHY are they happening".
There is nothing to preclude falls in ALF, and this many would involve them saying she is not in correct placement.
Wishing you the best.
Good luck doing that without power of attorney, though.
What do you mean by "stop providing fake independance"?
Do you mean move out so my mom has no choice but to be forced into Assisted Living or nursing home?
I'm working on leaving and untethering from her but that's just it...I can't leave until something is done about my mom first!
It is SO frustrating
There are all kinds of reasons for falls. Most of them revolve around lack of muscle strength to recover when the body detects that is is off balance. This is assuming that there isn't some physical obstacle like a rug or her shoes to make her fall.
Is she using a walker? If not, she needs one. Medicare will pay for it. Don't do a cane as I do believe it contributes to falling (my opinion and only my opinion) since most people don't use a cane properly.
She could use a rollator if she has enough hand strength to squeeze the breaks. My Mom resisted the walker as she wanted the rollator...she didn't have the coordination or hand strength to use it....but I had to prove it to her.
Also, I would get her to a doctor and talk about the falls.
Falls by themselves are not helped by Assisted Living or Memory Care. 24x7 supervised companionship plus a heavy dose of Physical Therapy prevents falls.
Most Assisted Living or Memory Care do NOT provide 24x7 watch without extra cost. MC encouraged my Mom to use a wheelchair instead of walking, to lessen the chance of a fall. The problem with using a wheelchair is that now, she really doesn't get any exercise, her blood circulation is worse, and she needs a lot more roughage so that food passes out of her body. She has gained a lot of weight because of the lack of physical exercise. Getting out of the wheelchair, to the toilet, and back to the wheelchair is infinitely harder due to lack of exercise of those muscles.
If the catalyst for the fall is a bad leg, is she shuffling on one leg? Does she actually pick up both legs to walk or is one leg dragged behind the other? PT can help that or identify that and get some exercises going to strengthen up the rest of the body.
I'm not quite sure what you are trying to achieve. With the little information I see, it sounds more like what your Mom needs is an in-home caregiver or companion in addition to some medical attention to work on the falls.
If your Mom has been diagnosed with bad enough dementia that she can no longer make day-to-day decisions, you might be SOL for getting anything legal done.
If your Mom doesn't want to move and money is not a concern, I suggest that you hire an agency to provide 24 x 7 care of her in her home. If you are living in that house and you don't want to take care of her, then I suggest you move out once you are able to find an agency to do full time care.
We have taken care of her for 3 years since 2020
I'm missing out on adult life because of being tethered to her!
Part of the problem is my mom is currently without a caregiver so everything falls on me and my brother
We are burned out!
So leave and it will force the issue.
Eventually, a mother bird has to stop vomiting into a baby bird's mouth, kick it out of the nest, and hope it flies. You Mom is the baby bird.
Leave
She is now in a rest home because of dementia and we are becoming independant
In other words take away all reasons for her staying at home?
I would leave but I don't have money
But I gotta leave ASAP because my mom threatened to slap my brother!
It is shared between ALL of you living in the house.
Time to own the truth Miku.
Does the caregiver look after Mom or does she look after Mom, you & your brother?
Delusions that Mom needs to be 'taken away' are harmful.
What does Cathy say about all of this? How often do you see her?
Our friend Debbie is a good candidate"
It appears to me the OP sees Mom as the blocker to her adult & romantic life.
I believe Mom (whatever her dx is) is the one caring for her adult kids here. Maybe they all support each other..?Normal amount of teen wishful independence going on..? But of course I have no idea on the actual situation.