My mom was diagnosed with early stage Alzheimer's 2 years ago. It seems to be progressing pretty quickly. She is 83 and is on medicaid.
Just a little background. I have had a very tumultuous relationship with her my whole life. She was abusive and just plain toxic to my brother and I from when we were little onwards. My brother cut ties about 4 years ago.
Now I am all she has and she calls me incessantly for emotional support and food. "You are my daughter and I need you to give me emotional support!" Problem is, I have never known how. I do it wrong and frankly I'm not the right person for the job. She has drained that well years ago.
My brother set up a fresh meal delivery service and then one day she said, "It's trash! Cancel it!" I asked her how she would be getting groceries and cooking. She said she could do it. She cannot. Now she calls me every 2 days and says she has nothing and that she is starving. We set up Meals On Wheels and she told them to not come. She doesn't like their food. I ordered her food last night and she called me 14 times in a row. I presume (as I didn't pick up) to complain as she said I order her terrible things. Sigh.
She has always been extremely confrontational and unfortunately that has not lessened. She accuses her property manager of stealing and calls him a liar. She is very suspicious (always has been) and now more so. Her neighbors are all worried for her and want to steer clear of her volatility.
She wants to live with me, but there is no way. I said I would work on getting her in home care. She is already telling me that she probably won't like the person etc. I agree. She probably wont and because she has Alzheimer's I don't think it's the right fit. She needs to be in a memory care facility.
What should I be doing to get her into one? She is in California (Monterey). She keeps saying she doesn't want to go into a nursing home, but I don't see another option. What steps should I be taking? She definitely shouldn't be living alone. Thank you for any advice. You all are so knowledgeable.
I would call Adult Productive Services in moms area and let them know that she should not be living alone and is a vulnerable adult with the issues you listed in your post.
Then step back and let them do whatever may need to be done with getting her placed and you can even let the state take guardianship over her so you and your brother no longer have to be involved if you choose not to be.
An abused child should NEVER have to take care of the one who abused them, PERIOD.
You are correct in saying that she has no other option but to enter a facility.
Your mother has always been argumentative. It was her job to parent you as you were growing up, not the other way around. You aren’t responsible for parenting her ever.
You can be an advocate for her if you choose to do so.
When I didn’t know where to start. I called my mom’s doctor’s office and asked for her doctor to return my call. I explained how things were going with mom’s doctor. Her doctor gave me the phone number of a social worker.
When my father was in the hospital, I spoke to the social worker to help with directing me towards the next step. Sometimes it helps to get feedback from people who deal with these situations on a daily basis.
Or you can research skilled nursing facilities and memory care facilities on your own.
Best wishes to you and your family.
No food in the house is a trigger for intervention. The police will involve APS, Adult Protective Services, they will do an emergency visit and may try to pull you in. You can tell them you CAN NOT take her or help her. No need to explain why, you are not an option, period! They will then do what they need to do.
I am in a similar situation, my mom wants it all her way, I know me stepping back is the best way for her to get the help she needs through others. Because I am not willing to be her scratching post. It is okay to say no.
I actually started the meal delivery again. If she starts saying the food is trash etc. I will discontinue it again and call APS.
To be clear, I would not take on POA for this woman. I WOULD suggest to her she is no longer able to care for herself, and that YOU don't intend to care for her inside or outside of your home. That you are sorry, but she raised you to KNOW YOUR LIMITATIONS, and you KNOW NOW you are not capable of living with her.
I would give her the emergency numbers, I would ask APS for a wellness check (informing them that you are not and do not intend to be her POA ).
That's me. You have a horse that not only won't drink water, but won't even allow you to guide her TO water. Give her emergency numbers. She has treated her children as though she wishes she never had them. Many people did NOT have them, and they are where your Mom is, either wards of the state who can apply for medicaid for them, place them, or alone and doing the best they can.
I am sorry to be so tough, but I have ZERO sympathy with poor parenting that never acknowledges its failures and expects the children to sacrifice their lives to it's old age. YOU, I wish all the luck in the world.
She's not going to like it but it's very unlikely that she's safe or that she'll like anything. you do. You just have to do your best to make sure she's safe and then that's it. You can move on and have a clear a head about it.
My very last resort would be to involve APS, personally. If you don't have POA, it's too late to get it and that may be the only route you have available. Unless she requires a hospitalization and then that is an easier gateway for getting her an appropriate placement.
Good luck.