surgery that she put off because my dad was dying. Now she is much stronger and feeling better except she has a walker. Because of her lying, gaslighting, etc, I am very stressed and am burnt out. I thought things would have been different but I’m not happy with this living situation and I’m married. She knows where I am 24/7 and we have no privacy. I feel she can be on her own with occasional help or with visiting caregivers. I’m trying not to feel guilty but it’s taken a toll on me and our relationship. We had a great relationship before this but now I see a different side of her and don’t fully trust her whereas I do everything with my heart but I feel I can’t anymore. Should I ask her to go back to being on her own?
Wishing you the best of luck getting mom out of your house and back into her own home again.
However, since she was acting as your dads caregiver and needed to focus on her own health when she moved in, she has now had an opportunity to rest.
At almost 91 does she drive?
If she doesn’t, she might qualify for home health. They aren’t caregivers but they can monitor her vitals, set up her meds and provide a CNA and therapy when needed. My mom and my DH aunt enjoyed many years with Home Health assistance.
Had you taken over her bills and shopping? That can be managed to a great extent online these days. MOW might be available. Daycare may be an option. A regular housekeeper or a daily aide for a couple of hours can be a great help.
Think through all these aspects beforehand so you don’t get pulled back in too soon.
You need to also think through how much time you want to contribute if any.
Also know which hospital and or facility she would be taken to for when she has a health issue. Even if this only lasts a year or two, even six months, it will give you a needed break.
And even if you did imply that she would live with you forever, you have the right to change your mind. You don’t have to be angry or to justify your decision.
That’s a waste of time and can cause problems you don’t need.
It is something you need to do for yourself. That’s all you need to say. You aren’t abandoning her, only moving her to where she can still get whatever help she might need.
I hope it works for you both and you can recover some of the relationship you enjoyed in the past.
Just a small warning.. I was told it can take at least 6 chats before an elder starts to hear your concerns. If they don't want change, it may take even more.
Remember the sandwich approach? "Been great to have you stay - now time to live apart - can help you to choose your next home".
🥪💩🥪
If you get stuck in a loop at The Chat, start the next stage - Action!
This sweetly veiled threat can be used "Choose your AL or someone else will!" 😉
(I've had to choose one...)
What is your mother's financial situation? Can she afford caregivers and her own apartment? Could she become Medicaid-eligible? Who is her POA/HCPOA?
Tell everyone that either she goes to live with a brother or she goes into a facility. Please don't wait yet another year to make this change.
The thing to keep in mind with Independent Living is if she needs ANY assistance the staff can not help her.
So if you think that she might need a "little" help then Assisted Living would the the better option.
The cost will increase with the amount of help that she needs. If she needs very little help now but in a month or two she needs help getting dressed or toileting that will eventually increase the cost.
I would do the research and narrow it down to 2 or possibly 3 places to tour (you can tour on your own to narrow them down) and let her select. I think choosing from more than 2 or 3 places would be over whelming.
Sounds like you need a vacation...what about trying a morning day respite program in the neighborhood. Sometimes a little change can make a big difference, a little paint and some curtains.
Every Tuesday morning my mother attends a 4-hour program. They provide transportation but I drive her to and from because in case she has to go to the bathroom.
They provide continental breakfast, hot lunch, I have Mom enrolled in Physical Therapy and Speech Therapy. There is a fee for the facility and a co-pay with insurance for the therapies. An RN is on duty at all times. The ratio is 5:1 for assistance. Sometimes they paint, watch a documentary, plant tomato plants, make things, tile coasters. Blood pressure is also checked.
This gives me (4) hours each week to get things done without worrying. Of course you can increase the days' but it cost more $$$. I think if my mother attended more she would backslide as with dementia patients a lot of them are out of it. It's sad to think that someone who had an interesting past life can hardly remember their name. I know my mother is safe, fed and there is medical personnel if need be. The staff are absolutely wonderful and all work very hard.
Exercise is so important for all of us. The windows open and fresh air in everyday. Flowers on the table for each season.
Oftentimes these facilities have different tiers, assisted living, long term care, NH, Memory care, etc. That's the new model.
The bottom line is: Everything comes down to $$$.
If you have a lot of $$$ you have more options. I don't know a lot of people at least in my social circle that can afford the assisted livings with all of the add-ons--everything is a la carte. (laundry, medications, accompanying to the medical appointments).
Start with the finances first and realistically look at everything and say what can Mom afford "in the area" so you can check on her.
Hope this helped...
Ask her or insist that she goes back to being on her
own with occasional care giving or a companion.
You’ve said you feel she can handle being on her own. Stop the quilt, you have a life of your own and deserve happiness!!
If the tide should ever change, then change accordingly but never forget your past encounter and adjust accordingly!
best wishes💕
I live in CA and I pay $1,400 a week for 8 hours a day care giver for my husband. When my mother (in Michigan) went to a care giving facility, it was $72,000 a year. A lot depends on whether you go private for a care giver or through an agency. There are pro and cons for each option. You might consider "day care" where you mother can go during the day. Before making a decision, get as much info as you can from a variety of options available to you.
Try not to feel guilty about the solution you choose. There is really no "perfect" solution in some situations.
There is really no "perfect" solution to dealing with this issue.
https://www.seniorliving.org/continuing-care-retirement-communities/
If the lying/gaslighting you mention is about not being as healthy as you think she may be, you can rack that up to wanting to stay where she is. It would have to be scary for someone now on a walker to return to living alone. While my mom did quite well with a walker, I recognized the decline and I could see living alone could mean a fall where she wasn't found quick enough. (Yes, she had a medical alert, but you have to be able to push the button in an emergency).
Since her move was all about safety, that has not changed. How about tossing her income toward aids to come in and help her out so you are free to leave the house. Involve more people in her care so she engages with others and not just you. If she went to church before, get her involved again...and with some older church groups that have meetings or work on projects together. If she sews, drag out the machine and give her a sewing spot. Engage her in activities that she used to like to do.
Aside from that, if she has big bucks saved up (or from sale of home) find her an assisted living facility where she can set up her own home base near you and where other people her age attend activities. If she doesn't have thousands to keep her at AL, then you would have to consider nursing home level care where her existing money will be used up to pay and then you apply for Medicaid bed. Do you think she needs 24 hour care? If so, NH will be the answer.
If you get no takers, then inform them mom may have to get an AL room (and her monies will pay for it). Sometimes depleting the "inheritance" can light a fire under their rear ends. Still no takers, consider no help from them to be your decision maker on what you do. (And be sure to tell them that!)