Fear of being watched, laughed at, and picked on because she can't move as fast, or uses a walker/wheelchair, or needs help getting up out of a chair. She's lost interest in going to church, community events and just doing stuff in general. So, now she sits in the house and watches TV from morning to night. The highlight of her day is walking to the mailbox to see what's in there. Frankly, I'm worried. She's not ill and she still has some life in her to live.
I signed her up for the local Senior Center where the seniors paint, play bingo, exercise, and take little local field trips. I enrolled her in the Senior Saints group at our church so she can start developing some Christian relationships and friendships. She's always been involved in the church. She doesn't have many friends left, in fact, she buried 5 just last year. It's part of aging.
So, I remind her to live everyday as the last day. But, I'm tired of pushing her. It's like she's lost all interest in doing anything. I mean, I know she has pain and getting around is not as easy as it used to be, but so what? Should I just let her be? Do you think she will die faster, if she "stops" living?
And where is all the fear and anxiety coming from? She NEVER used to care what other people thought! She taught me that when I was young and it kept me focused and confident. Now, it's like she's scared of everyone. If we're out, she tell me to keep my voice down because people will start looking at us. If I join a long line ahead of her to grab a spot, instead of joining me, she'll go all the way to the back of the line so people don't get mad at her for skipping. I don't know what's going on, but I know you good, smart people can help.
I know that with all the Covid lockdowns that many people developed an unhealthy fear about many things and became depressed and anxious, so perhaps that's what happened with your mom.
I hope that she will let you take her to the Senior Center(just drop her off, don't stay)as I think once there, she will actually enjoy herself, and let go of some of her anxiety.
Bless you for taking the necessary steps to get mom back on track with living and enjoying her life.
It is likely time for this to be discussed with your mom and her doctor. It is always difficult to understand how much of this wishing not to be involved is "normal" and how much is anxiety-induced. Your mom and you BOTH may want to attend a few counseling sessions with a Licensed Social Worker in private counseling practice to fully talk this out.
If your mom's decision is to stay home, not participate, then I think your pushing and prodding may only hurt her the more. However, if there ARE things she likes still to do, and feels unable for some reason, that is another thing, and it's important now to TALK and know what her wishes are. If that can be ascertained I say the ball is in her court. We lose all too much as we age too add our making of our own decisions to the pile.
I sure wish you the best and I understand your worries come from a caring heart, but in the end, this is your mom's decision.
Her regular doc saw nothing wrong.
It took a geriatrics doc two visits to send her to a geriatric psychiatrist. After one visit with the geriatrics psych, she re-jiggered mom's anxiety meds and called me to get a full neuropsych workup. The results staggered us.
I would start with a visit to a geripsych to assess for both depression and cognitive issues.
She sat and watched game shows all day, sat by herself.
Finally she had a slight stroke, then she was afraid to stay alone at night.
We swooped her up and took her to FL, sold her house and she has been in AL for 3 years, and guess what? She loves it, new friends, activities around people her age. So there you go, she forgot all about being afraid, she is happy.
My FIL went through social anxiety after his wife died. He was living in a senior apartment and became so anxious just from being alone. Once he moved into Independent Living, though, he loved it because he told me he felt SAFE, had people his own age he could talk to, and then became more like his old self. Nurses were there if he needed help, and he was around people all the time.
Has she participated in any of the Senior center and church activities? If not, she just may need time. Have you gone to any of these with her, or does she have any family or friends her age who would want to go? I think going into any new social setting by yourself is cause for anxiety whether you're 8 or 80.
Getting old sure ain't for the faint of heart, I think this with every passing year. Good luck to you and mom.
Is she going to the activities you set up for her?
With all the talk of "Karen", she just might have seen a bit of herself in there and realized that she really didn't want to be that way....or worse....she saw a Karen in action and saw herself.
It could be as simple as she has no "future" goals.
If she is using a walker, she might be unsure of what she can and cannot do and think she is a hinderance because she has a walker. Maybe she used to be critical of those with walkers and canes and the reality has hit that she is now one of THEM.
I think your Mom is in a bit of a depression and trying to figure out her future. I think your role here is to get her confidence back up and help her find some goals.
The way you do this is to let her call the shots, reduce some of your assertiveness (aggressive? behavior) around her, and don't point out her "non-assertive" behavior. If you see a line, ask her which one she would like to be at and go to that one, even if it is the longest one. The longer line might be calming to her as the congestion of people can make one anxious, especially if she is using a cane or a walker. She might be afraid of someone bumping into her. Do keep your voice down, make the conversations private between you and her (that is being respectful between you and her and everyone around you). Ask her for her opinion and follow it. Include her in conversations when appropriate. As you are taking her shopping, try to help her find something to live for....maybe a cruise or a trip by the shore, or visiting somewhere she has never been before. My Mom had a walker and walked on the shores of Greenland (and over a gravel surface before she reached asphalt). Even the person with a motorized wheelchair couldn't do that.
Put yourself in her shoes and try to understand what is limiting her.
My Mom hated the senior center, however, once she slowed down a lot, she loved it. Find out what is going on with the church. If she used to be active and now she isn't, there could be one or more people that she doesn't want to be around. Maybe the work she used to do, can't be done by someone in a walker. If that is the case, go and see if there are other things she could do.
Is your Mom healthy enough to volunteer? Go to a senior faire and look for the places looking for volunteers. Look for booths whose exhibitors have the same values. We need people who can sit at a booth and distribute information about us. Elderly volunteers attract other elderly volunteers.
Certainly see a doctor to ensure there is nothing medically wrong with her.
Good luck. Take it slow, and build her confidence. She sounds like she's a go-getter...and she needs your help to get around an obstacle (real or imagined) in her life.
I would go with her to the senior center and church group, at least the first time or two, to make sure she can navigate and fit in with what's going on. We live half an hour from the senior center and I would have had to drive her and spend time and I just didn't have the time to commit to that. But I think it would have benefitted her. Now she's in AL and muddling through as best she can.
I say, keep pushing her to keep moving. As my grandmother said - I plan to wear out. I don't want to rust out. She kept moving and digging in her dirt until she passed. She couldn't dig as fast as she used to, but she still had the determination to move a mountain (or a fairly large tree!!) if she needed to.