My Mom is delusional, paranoid, hallucinating... I'm concerned for her safety! Her neighbors tell me to leave her alone! What can I do?

If I understand correctly, without a POA etc, if my mom is investigated by APS,
at that point the only way for me to get any control will be to actually hire an attorney and go to court against the state? To obtain financial / bodily control of my mother?
That's an option I am definitely not in a financial position to do unfortunately.
Conversely, if I get the POA now, before she is legally deemed incapacitated, if something happens with my mom, I would then legally be able to take over as needed...
Just wanted to make sure I understand correctly.

I did call my mom and tried to talk to her about this and explain to her that it was important that there be some documentation in place, I suggested from the angle of if she was to have a major stroke, if I didn't have a way to take control, the state would basically take control of her and place her,
and I would have to spend resources that I do not have to fight for her,
in the meantime, she might be in a place that she is not happy etc as well as possibly losing access to her money and having her assets sold against her wishes. Do I have that correct?
Again this was a phone conversation...
To which she really didn't reply much...
**I tried to speak to her also about coming down for the holidays, she said she was too busy, I asked doing what - - she said she had bills to pay, that is her typical answer, she is always paying bills! Or sleeping.

IDK: You did the right thing by NOT stopping on your way back from a nice trip with your son. Would you have wished to put him through the drama again?

One more thing....PLEASE don't believe that because your mother's neighbors are supposedly "Christian" and conduct bible study in their home that they are good and honest people. More horrible acts have been committed in the name of God and religion than any other.

Oh, dear! I hate to tell you my opinion, but you DID ask. First of all, this does sound like it merits further investigation at the least. It could get rough on you-do you have emotional support for backup—someone to stand with you while you untangle all of this? Because you are definitely going to be better off if you have access to all those systems in place at the start-at least best friend, at a minimum! This should include a Pastor, priest, list of mental health resources, elder attorneys, caregiver support help lines, etc.

Then go back-immediately and rescue your mom. From what you describe she needs to be evaluated as to her mental capabilities and her neighbors could have been taking advantage of her
vulnerable state of mind for some time now.

My advice is to 1) Take mom to a safe place-home with you or an AL, locate immediate medical diagnosis and care
2)contact an lawyer for elder issues, deal with her assets. Get a conservatorship if necessary to protect her. If the “helpful” neighbors defrauded her, go to the police.
3)Get help with caregiver issues if it becomes too much for you. Take breaks when you need them. Research all you can. Learn it is not personal. We are only human! God bless you!

Many good suggestions have been given. I'm writing to say do not move her in to your home in her current state of mind. This will be too much for you and your son.

One question: can you distill this situation down into 1 goal? For example, if you can't do/control anything else, will you be satisfied if she is in a safe place getting reliable care? If so this would point towards getting APS/social services involved and they eventually take guardianship over her. Your mom is a dumpster fire of resistance, so thinking she will willingly go to doctors, sign PoAs, leave with you seems unlikely based on the info you posted. So, if the best you can do for her is to make sure she doesn't get abused, injured, starved or die a lonely death, then call APS and get her on their radar.

Also, I would not trust the neighbors. They are either taking advantage of her or they're off their rockers themselves. Don't engage them. If you do have the opportunity to visit your mom again (without your son present) I would remove anything that has sentimental or monetary value since you've said the neighbors have a key. What a messy situation and I'm so sorry that you have to deal with it. Bless you for trying but you can only do so much when your LO isn't willing/able to participate in their own best life. May you have peace in your heart about that reality.

1. Her life is none of her neighbors' business. Stop talking to them.

2. Get a conservatorship ASAP. She is a danger to herself. Talk to an attorney.

Your Mom is very delushional and I can only imagine what she is telling the "Christian Neighbors". I think they are not abusing her because unless I am mistaken you say you are contributing 1,000.00 a month to her, to her care. How is she getting this money? Is it by check? Is she cashing the check with her signature? Does she get Social Security. I think there cannot be a lot left for others to prey upon her so I suspect she is telling the Christian Neighbors stories about you. That's what it sounds like. She is making it up and they believe it. For instance the whole "bipolar thing". That didn't come out of nowhere.
It is time for you to visit the neighbor and find out just what she IS telling them. Tell them you are very worried about her and feel she should go now for testing and diagnosis, that she may require guardianship, and she may need to move into care, that her place is not fit for living and her health doesn't seem good, that you found outdated food in the house and etc.
You are going to have to move NOW and do this. You may need to involve Adult Protective Services to help you get your Mom seem and to have an assessment that will move her out of the clutches of these likely well-meaning neighbors. From there it will go to placement or care in your home because clearly Mom is not being able to be on her own now. Unfortunately this means you are going to have to "be there". I don't know what this means to your current life, your own home, your own family, your job. But it looks like it must be done.

Be assured that there is plenty you can do! But also be assured that it will take physical, financial, and emotional effort on your part.

I can't tell for sure from your post or profile, but you seem to imply that you are a single parent and the only close relative of your mom. If you're married, talk to your husband; if you have siblings, talk to them; they all should be involved and aware of your concerns.

First and foremost, I would get your mom in to see a doctor ASAP. If the delirium has come on quickly, and with the other evidence of neglect, there is a very real possibility that she has a medical issue that can and should be treated: general malnutrition, low B12, dehydration, electrolyte imbalance, UTI, or ??? I don't think you need to go to the expense of an ambulance ride to an ER, but get her in to see her doctor or Urgent Care within days not weeks.

I would also stick to the original plan of bringing her back with you. I would not have her travel until she's seen a doctor, but I would get her out of there as soon as possible. You say she stays with you periodically, so why not now as planned and enjoy the holiday season together?

Those are the immediate concerns, but I also highly recommend that you look into POA, both healthcare and financial for your mom! The POA powers generally only go into effect if/when your mother can no longer make medical or financial decisions for herself, so it's important to get them in place before she actually needs them. She may need them in place now (based on your post), but even if it's 5 or 10 yrs from now, get the paperwork done.

The neighbors have zero rights where your mom is concerned, but I'd still tread carefully. Your mom's neighbors may be simply trying to look out for your mom and protect her from that "crazy daughter" she keeps telling them about without realizing it's all a delusion. If that's true, you may need their help and support later on. Keep the dialog open, but remain suspicious.

That being said, if you are truly concerned about the situation with the neighbors and potential abuse and/or neglect, please call APS! You can find your local/state office here: https://www.napsa-now.org/get-help/help-in-your-area. Keep in mind, though, that it's entirely possible based on what you've described that APS would recommend your mom not remain in her home alone.

You have to decide for yourself, but my gut feeling is that the time is now for you to seriously start thinking about and making arrangements for you to (1) move in with your mom, (2) move your mom into IL or AL, (3) move your mom into your home, or (4) provide in-home care up to 24/7. These are very personal decisions with a lot of "what-ifs," so consulting an lawyer specializing in elder care would be a great idea. Even if your mom's delirium goes away, she shows she can take care of herself, and her neighbors move away, I would start thinking now about this inevitability.

I know this is a lot, but it sounds like you love your mom, and you hope she's able and willing to spend more time with you and her grandson, so IMHO the effort is worth it.

All the best!

Thanks for replies...
First- No I do not have a POA :(
I have nothing, & By time I realized things were not as they should be, it was too late-- she refused to allow me anything bc she was sure I wanted to control her only.

As a child my family was very dysfunctional, my Mom was abused by my Dad, I'm a product of various abuse, but even as a child I felt compelled to protect her. I didn't understand why she stayed. I divorced when I realized I'd married my Dad, the abusive man! -but without all my Dad's good qualities!!

In 2015, I tried to get help for her bc she had been experiencing peripheral neuropathy- hands/feet numb, not able to use etc, I took her to neurologist who I also told re my concerns of mental impairment, she told him I didn't have her best interest bc I wanted her money, and she answered a few Qs to assess for memory.
*Her vit B12 levels were extremely high which can cause PN, so she stopped taking any vit B supplements & avoiding food with. Ultimately she refused further testing.

I have full access to the medical situation re her breast cancer bc it's where I live. But no access where she lives. I asked her to add me.

When I recently visited- this Sept 2019, getting access & some type of POA was on my list, but I was just too emotional and I left- bc of what neighbors said yes- but also bc I was protecting myself, Everytime I tried to discuss with her, she freaked out, I felt powerless!
I was so upset, it wasn't healthy for any of us!
*I did call APS, as I was driving out of town, but never returned their call...

Even after I left, she accused me of stealing her driver's license & credit cards! Later she found them. Then accused me of something else.

I met a gal who told me her Gma's hallucinating about a woman in her home going through her stuff, turned out to be true- a supposed friend was arrested.

This made me wonder about neighbors who have a key to her home. Then I think I'm becoming my Mom & being paranoid!

Neighbors- Christians, Own their home,
-Wife early 60s, has knitting class & Bible study in home, defers to husband, afraid of dogs, she's also a notorious gossip- my own Mom declared this too and said she would not say private things to her- but wife did know things, so my mom has spoken to her.
-Husband is 70? Retired college professor. Outspoken, He was very verbally aggressive to me. He's the one saying I must leave. He told me I was bipolar- I told him no, I have no problems with depression (against the odds, thank the Lord!), I have no stigma re mental illness. He continued to say this, I suggested he had Parkinson's dt his shakiness & pill rolling specifically!! His mouth dropped & they passed look, he shut up.
(I know it wasn't nice of me! And I apologized to him. He didn't apologize to me)

They say they have NOT seen anything out of ordinary with my Mom. They say she drives fine. Acts fine. She is fine, and I am the problem.
I intuitively felt they weren't being truthful. And so I tried to end it nicely, by thanking them for keeping eye on her, etc. I hugged them both when I left.

M son said simply "I don't like them, they are liars". He has witnessed my Mom's behavior.

I should add-
Growing up my mom did exhibit paranoia, she would accuse my Dad of poisoning her etc... after he died, at some point she started accusing me of poisoning her. I didn't get bothered by it bc I had heard it as child, it seemed normal. (I realize it wasn't)

My Mom is an introvert, and normally she's very sweet & kind, she's also highly intelligent, I think she's possibly able to mask her symptoms for short periods. She has done a lot for me as an adult, and I still feel need to protect her.

I think maybe she told neighbors things bc she didn't want them to help me if i approached them. (As I did do!).
Right now, it's the holidays, I'm worried bc she's alone, my beloved dog just died, my adult dtr has her own demons, I don't think I can handle more... :(

You have given these neighbors, well meaning or not, way too much power. No doubt it was both shocking and hard to hear the things they were saying but you know it's all off the wall and none of it is true so the best and only reason to stand there and listen to them if they aren't willing to give you any benefit of the doubt is to gather as much info about them as possible. If they spend that much time with your mom they know her issues and if this is their stance it's just as likely they are the cause of your mom's hurtful (and dangerous) thoughts, beliefs through suggestion and manipulation as it is that she has convinced them of these things. How old are these neighbors, might they have cognitive issues of their own even?

Whatever the case, while I understand how horrid this must have all been it sounds like you gave them what they wanted, you left. It doesn't sound like that's what your mother wanted, at least the last thing she said she wanted was for you to stay, to go on the trip but you allowed these neighbors to chase you off and leave you and your mom vulnerable as well as solidifying any delusions or fears your mom may have of just that, you leaving her. I know this wasn't your intent and you probably thought you were doing what was best to keep peace at the time but still you are her daughter, her only child and your son is her grandchild, don't let anyone else chase you off. That said, your options and how easy it will be to work through this may depend a great deal on where you stand legally. If you have POA/DPOA, medical proxy and all of those are in order it will be an easier road at least procedure wise and you can step in immediately. If not it may require some planning and hoping anyone with access to mom who doesn't have her best interest at heart isn't able to wipe her out before you can prevent it.

It sounds like you know mom needs to see a doctor, there may be all kinds of contributing factors here that can be helped, undernourishment, dehydration, UTI, just to name a few. Even more to the point her ability to make decisions for herself needs to be assessed so if as it sounds, she is not able to do that others ability to take advantage of her can be stopped while the legalities are worked out. You can decide how much of this responsibility you want to take on or not and at least with her safe and in better shape you can start to figure out what to do next for her.

"I learned she basically gave away her minivan to a virtual stranger bc these neighbors suggested it. And other things."

It sounds like your mother is suffering from dementia, her neighbors know it, and they're doing everything in their power to take advantage of her. If they successfully alienate YOU from her, they can resume cleaning her out of everything she owns and nobody will be the wiser.

Wake up!

Get your mother to the doctor right away and then OUT of that unsafe environment she's living in. That's my take on things.

Your mom's neighbors sound like they need a reality check into what is going on with your mom. I don't know if I would trust what they are saying, but I would do what everyone is saying. Get a lawyer, find a social worker in her area, elder care, or someone who will listen as you are the only family member. Besides a UTI, sounds like dementia is there also. She needs to be medically checked, and I agree that the neighbors might be taking advantage of her emotionally and financially. I would not trust them to care for mom!

You've been given good suggestions, but I'd add to have her checked for a UTI. Those can make an elderly person go off-the-charts crazy and are dangerous! Perhaps a call to Social Services or her local Elder Care office to check for themselves?

On a side note, document what you've written above. You need to also protect YOURSELF against her accusations. Dates/times/places along with witnesses and every thing she accuses you of. If you call in the authorities for a wellness check on her (and document that too), and they find her to be alright, they may follow up on her accusations.

Best wishes to you both in this very tough situation.

Why are you listening to ANYTHING that the neighbors say?

You needed information about your moms ER visit. They didnt give it to you. Therefore, they dont seem to want to help.

In your shoes, I would consult a lawyer. I might go back and call 911 and have mom taken to the ER while I was there so I could find out what is going on physically and mentally. I would look into Assisted living facilities near where YOU live.

Do you have POA? Can you freeze moms credit so no one dishonest can open accounts in her name? Pull a credit report to make sure this hasn't been done already.

Do you have POA for health and for finances?
She needs to be seen by a doctor to determine physical and mental health.
If not the only resort you might have at this point (I think any lawyer will say she is not decisional) is to obtain Guardianship.
Sure the neighbors might want you to leave her alone as they might be trying to take advantage of her financially.
You should seek out an Elder Care Attorney as soon as you can.
Then your decision is do you move her closer to you and if so do you move her in with you or directly to Assisted Living or Memory Care.

Alarm bells ringing VERY loudly. Seek help on both asap.

1. Get Mum to the doctors (however you can - a therapeutic lie if needed). Vit B12 deficiency can cause dementia-like symptoms apparently but sounds like she needs a good checkup. LOTS of worrying symptoms delusions, paranoia, self-neglect (bad food) all warrent medical advice pronto.

2. Do not tell those neighbours ANYTHING more. It does happen that people take advantage - elder with long distance only child - they could be eyeing off Mum's house. Mention this to the Doctor too. I am really suspecting elder financial abuse here. If so, notify Police asap.

I hope neither are as I suspect.

Your mom's neighbours could be in denial and are buying all the BS she has told them about you and your family, in that case it would be understandable that they are hostile to you and see you as the enemy. On the other hand anyone as paranoid and delusional as she seems to be is quite likely can not come across as completely sane and rational, I think you are right to be concerned. Unfortunately I think your options are limited, especially since you live so far apart. Although there are mixed reviews on the forum from people who have asked APS to investigate, I think that might be your only option although you might contact an elder law attorney for advice. Think on this - if she was found to be incompetent would you be willing to pursue guardianship? And as her guardian what would you change? If APS finds that she is fine are you OK with her being cared for by these neighbours so long as she is happy, even if they are accepting financial compensation/exploiting her financially?