My mom is in a wonderful board and care but when I visit, she tries to make me feel guilty. I am about to have a breakdown. What can I do?

I am so sorry you are going through this.
Your mom suffers from dementia, so she isn't cognizant of the grief she is causing you, and GRIEF is the right g-word for what you are feeling. Guilt infers that you are responsible for this, that you caused it and can fix it. Neither of those things are true, so use the right word, because words we tell ourselves matter, and this is worth grieving.

When your mom is sad and stressed I would keep my visits short. Tell her that you love her and will return when she is feeling better. She likely is no longer rational enough to explain all the reasons that this has to be the way of things. And if your visits ALWAYS trigger more unhappiness, I would make fewer visits for mom's own good.

If you need help I would suggest a few counseling sessions with a Licensed Social Worker in private counseling practice. You aren't needing Freudian therapy about your early toilet training; you are needing clues about how to handle life transitions that you cannot make better.
This may help you step out of habitual ways of blaming yourself, and into acceptance that this is hard, cannot be fixed, and must be endured; hopefully with as little damage as possible.

I am so sorry. I hope for peace for you both.

Alva’s words are spot on. I really can’t add anything else. So, I will second everything that Alva has said.

Wishing you peace as you continue on in this difficult journey of caregiving.

Your stomach problems are being caused my stress. Your Mom is safe and cared for. Ignore her. You don't have to visit every day. Their time is not our time. Their days just blend into each other. You could be there everyday and Mom would tell someone she hasn't seen u in weeks. Try to change the subject and if you can't leave. You have done enough for ur parents and then Aunt. Lots more than any person can be expected to give. This is your time.

Reassure yourself daily, hourly if needed, that you’ve made the best decisions you can for your mom. Listen to none of the guilt inducing comments from her. When you visit, the minute it starts, leave her presence, go for a walk, and when you return talk about something else. If she starts again, leave and go do something positive that you enjoy. I recommend ice cream! Mom may not be able to change her behavior but that doesn’t mean you need to stick around for it. Your job is to make sure she is safe and cared for, checking in often at her new home will accomplish just that, no need to accept junk you don’t deserve. You matter too

Your mother is right. She is 90 with dementia, and the fact is that you ARE leaving her there to die. Unless she is very stupid, this is obvious to her and you aren’t going to talk her out of it.

My suggestion would be to say yes, that’s right. What other options do you think there are? She is just as 'guilty' as you are, if she can't come up with workable alternatives. It might just stop the repeat repeat repeat that’s killing YOU. It won’t make the slightest difference to HER prospects.

I don’t have any advice, just wanted to say a word of support. Your mother needs a lot of care, more than one person can give. You have more than earned your retirement. I hope you’ll listen to your body’s warning and take care of yourself. If you need to stop seeing her for a while you should.

What can you do? You can look after yourself. If that means visiting your mother less, so be it. She is being well cared for. You are not.

She has dementia. Perhaps redirection would work. Bring up something else is conversation.

I agree with leaving when she starts guilting you. It doesn't help her and it is destructive to you.

I know this is tough. Please put you and your health as a priority now. About 40% of caregivers die before those they care for. The stress is great.

Three years ago your profile says you were burnt out. Your health is not going to get better unless you make some drastic changes.

If looking after yourself means taking a break from visiting your mother till your health improves that's OK. You matter too. I think stopping seeing her at least temporarily is in your best interests.

This must be hard. But now that you know the drill, you can be prepared. Put on your armor before entering her room. Let her crappola roll off your back. Don't let it in to hurt you. Keep your visits short, especially if she starts on you again.

Visit your Mom less often to give yourself a break and take better care of yourself. Get professional help to talk with so you will accept the fact that you cannot change your Mom's condition.

With all respect to you, you're 71 years old grow up. If your elderly mother's misery, guilt-tripping, and nonsense is too much for you (believe me I totally understand), then stop visiting her. Or stop visiting her so much. When she starts up with her act tell her that if this is what your visits with her are going to be, you will not visit her again. Then get up and leave.
If her effect on you is so stressful toxic that you get migraines, and stomach issues then I'd say it's time to stop visiting for your own health. Try phone calls for a couple of weeks. Its easier to hang up then it is to get up and leave when the toxic bullcrap starts up.
Your situation really isn't hard to remedy.

if your mom is in hospice then she probably has less than six months left, so your mother’s and your ordeals will be over in the relatively near future.

I would factor that fact into any decisions you make about stopping or curtailing visits. If you still feel you cannot visit everyday, then you should not. Your physical and mental health comes first.

Good luck to you.

Dear one, try not to accept your mom’s stress, esp bc some of it is based on her dementia. Other people’s feelings are their feelings and we do not have to accept them as our reality.
My mom is in an ALF and last night when I visited I got a similar display and a pleading to come live with me. This has the opposite effect on me. Rather than want to take her back, I want to run away bc it shows no consideration for me and an expectation that my sole purpose in life is to care for her. It actually helps me have some boundaries. I visit. I bring her to my house. She is napping right now at my house with the dog beside her. But I will take her back to the ALF and she will never live with me again bc it was way too much for me.
You count, too. Your mom’s outbursts may even subside if she sees she’s not getting the desired response. But also, all this may be beyond her mentally. If she was a loving mother, and I am guessing she was to have such a caring daughter, then she would want you to be healthy and happy. Attribute these displays to her dementia and love her without accepting her stress as yours.
Wishing you peace on this journey.

You need to understand and re-frame the situation.
Your mother isn't doing anything to you - to feel any specific way: You are.
When you take responsibility for how you feel, you can make decisions in your best health interest/need.

Yes, there are TRIGGERS, emotional and psychological, when dealing with a loved one / parent, however for your own quality of life / health, you need to make decisions to support your self. She HAS dementia.

You need to realize that her brain has changed and she expresses herself out of fear, anger and confusion. She is trying to do everything she can to keep you in her world - and wouldn't we all do that? It is the changing brain chemistry and a survival mechanism.

This means you MUST (learn how to) set boundaries / limits on visiting - the time you spend with her.

In some respects, from experience, there is 'no' middle ground her --- (we) you are torn if you don't visit and feel guilt or hear that little voice "You should visit your mother" if you do not visit. And then what do you do?

* You shift your immediate environment (feelings in it) to:

- Go to a garden or a park (for 5 minutes or a couple of hours) - experience natural beauty to get out of your head and shift out of the feelings of being 'torn'

- You go to a gym or take a walk / hike - get the energy out / shift it.

- You acknowledge that you can do so much and that you DESERVE and need a life - a quality life - and do what you need to do to achieve that 'as best you can.'

- Understand dementia. Your mother will 'always' respond to you like she is. She won't change, you need to.

- She likely doesn't remember when you visit so tell her "I'll come back tomorrow' ... or 'it was good to see you yesterday.'

* She is in the moment, not thinking of yesterday, a minute from now, tomorrow.

Important: Expect and allow the guilt or whatever feelings you have that exhausts you by visiting / seeing her as (often as) you do ... to be with those feelings. Don't push them away. Acknowledge them: Yes, I feel xxx and Yes, I need to re-group, re-new, re-energize myself. And, Yes: I feel very sad. Go toward the feelings, not run away from them (that is how they get stuck.)

In my experience, you need to do what doesn't FEEL RIGHT in the moment, which is taking care of yourself. Even meditating for 5 minutes or an hour break. Learn what works for you to lessen the stressors/guilt. We can shift out of these feelings when we learn to value our self and do what we need to do. This doesn't mean it is easy or feels 'fine.' It doesn't. We are emotionally pulled.

Still, the bottom line is that she isn't 'doing anything to do,' you are. You are the only person who can change (your behavior). Do little changes ... 5 minutes of deep breathing ... buying yourself a bouquet of flowers and just absorb their beauty, call a friend, take a nap. And, lastly, pray for strength to do what you need to do, remembering it is a moment-to-moment decision.
- DO acknowledge yourself OFTEN of what you have done, how you have extended yourself, and when you do visit, SMILE and hold her hand ... no matter how much she screams and reacts to you. It is her confusion and fears 'talking to you.' Feel / see her through compassionate eyes for how she experiences her life - knowing you are her lifeline.

- Smile, use a calm voice, tell her how much you love spending time with her.
- Then when you need to, leave (if just for a break to 'shift' emotionally or DO leave for the day).
- Have a plan to do something nice for yourself, even if going to a gym or exercising somehow, or get a massage.
- When you start to feel stress being with her, leave. You may resist as this is new behavior. Do it anyway. You need self-pampering / self care.

Gena / Touch Matters

It sounds like your mother is very unhappy where she is! Please be aware that in many of these places there is a great deal of neglect and abuse. Of course they will act wonderful when you are there ....that is for show! You need to find out what is going on. Talk to your mother and try to find out. She may be afraid to tell you everything when others are present. Do it in a quiet place where they can not hear your discussion.

Try to get her out of there and find a place where she will be safe and happy!

Don’t visit as often

Short, very short , visits spaced out at frequency that meets " your" needs. This " guilt trip" behavior is not uncommon. Do NOT let it dictate to you ..... If your mother can mentally understand at all, when you arrive for a short visit tell her up front that you love her and look forward to your visit , but that if she begins the ( behavior you describe), you will need to leave as it is unhealthy for you both. If she cannot due to dementia comprehend this, still leave when it begins.....she may begin to connect
" consequences " with behavior.
You deserve a life with some quality also. Perhaps visiting her less frequently ( that is not every day) perhaps once during week and once on weekends for example) for shorter visits may help...
Set your personal boundaries for your health purposes. Believe it or not it will help you to have quality visits.

I feel for you. We moved my Mom and stepdad to assisted living a year ago. Both are experiencing declining health, especially my Mom who is 88. She was in and out of the hospital and when I took my stepdad to see her in the hospital a year ago, they nearly refused to discharge her home - due to his health and mobility issues. We (siblings and I) convinced them that assisted living would be best for them and ensure they could stay together (she would simply die without him). They still, after year, insisted that we ‘put them there to die’ and my stepdad says if she dies first, he’s ‘moving out’. At first I did feel guilty - however I know that we moved them there to make sure they would be taken care of and be safe. I also know they will die there, but dying is a fact of life. I visit twice a week and talk to them daily. I brush off the comments as best I can and constantly remind them of ‘why’ they are there. It’s never easy! Hang in there and remind yourself you are doing what’s best for you and her.

You need to take care of yourself. You're wrung out and ill because of the caregiving you've done. Tell yourself again and again that your mom is in good hands. If she's in hospice, it's because she needs to be there and her life expectancy is less than 6 months. When she tries to make you feel guilty, tell her "I'll see you very soon, Mom. Love you!" and walk out of there knowing she's being cared for in a way you can no longer offer. That's the way it is, and wishing it was different doesn't help you one bit. You can't help or change your mom, but you can help and take care of yourself.

To be the devil's advocate, if she's 90 and living in a private board home now, her mind is still working enough to understand that's where she'll probably be when she dies. So she seems to be aware of her situation. Of course she's angry, angry at the situation and the change from going from your home to another home.

I have no idea how much it costs for her to be in private board, but would it be enough to pay for a good quantity of hours and allow her to live where you are again? It might be better than making yourself sick with guilt and anxiety. Just a thought.

Vickielee: You are your own priority as the extensive twenty years of caregiving for both your parents has weakened your health. Your mother is being cared for in a wonderful board and care facility and she unfortunately suffers from dementia. Ergo, she gripes. Take care of YOU.

As a parent, I can’t imagine anything worse than forcing my kids to take care of me (by not being prepared to care for myself) for 20 years. No one wants to end up in a facility, but dominating your kids’ lives for decades is worse. You are doing your absolute best, your life is finite, so try to shake the guilt by whatever means necessary.

Went through and going through the same thing. Mom wants me to take her out of the facility and take care of her personally but it’s not something that I can do or handle. She is a tri-plegic with dementia and on hospice. I have had to take some time off and distance myself somewhat to take care of myself and my needs. I did find out when I stopped going for a short periods of time she was having more appreciation when I visited rather than blaming me for everything. I don’t have a specific answer on this, but I do know hospice is there for you as well. You may talk with them about somebody to talk to and rebound off of.

I think as people get older and are staring at their own demise, they get selfish. I get it...I really do, but no matter how much you run yourself into the ground, her outcome will not change. Do not let her take you down with her. Your life is just as important as hers. You have given enough. When she starts guilting you and nagging you, get up and say "you are clearly not in the mood for company, so I am going to leave...I'll come back when you're in a better mood". After you do that a couple of times, she will get the message. If she is mentally unsound, she may never get the message and you may just have to cut your visits short to keep your sanity.

You don't mention what meds she is on, but the doctor can give her anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds if needed.

My heart goes out to you too. Oh boy you have been a angel multiple times over. I suggest someone, anyone, that is your friend go with you to visit your mother. And as soon as she starts talking in a way that is very upsetting for you squeeze your friends hand and excuse yourself to go to the bathroom see the nurse make any excuse to get out of the room and let the friend talk to her. Ask a friend to support you and defend you to your mother. And then when you come back and feel a little settled go back in and try to visit again and every time she upsets you make an excuse to leave the room until your time is done. At some point yes do let her know that the way she talks to you upsets you so much and tell her there’s nothing you can do. Let the facility be your escape goat. Tell them that they won’t let her leave. Anyway it’s worth a shot or two. God bless you and get some rest go on vacation or something please take care of yourself

I chose counseling for me. It has helped me deal with my moms issues. Our only job is to provide a safe place for them, and food on the table for our parents. I am POA..I placed my mom in assisted living. She grew to like it. It was a tough time but I stood my ground. We are not responsible for their happiness. I am learning to find a loving emotional distance from this. It is worth the money.

When my late mother's toxic bullying got too much for me, I was told to stop visiting and even calling her when she was still in CA. I waited until my brother moved her up to OR, get her settled in for one week, then I was told to call her about once a week to check in with her for her last 14 months of her life. By that time, my brother was in charge of her affairs. I called only once a week because I had to seek new employment.

Sounds like you need to stop. But, if not seeing her will likewise stress you out, then keep your visits short. Re-direct the conversation, maybe bring her something each time and leave as soon as things start to go south. Tell her you will check on her by calling the staff if she would rather that than have a visit. Get some counseling for your guilt - you don’t deserve this.

Some moms just do this. During her last few years here with me, she raged that I didn’t do enough for her (just meal planning, shopping, some meal prep, laundry, cleaning, errands, appt booking, all financial...), I didn’t protect her from daily robberies (delusions, from misplacing her stuff), I made her get old when she wasn’t and I wasn’t available literally 24/7. At first, in care with every single thing done for her, staff and other residents around her, she wanted to be back home with me. Then she said I visit too often.

No no matter what it’ll never be right.

But when others visited, everything was peachy keen.

Now she doesn’t remember who I am and I’ve asked the staff not to say “Your daughter is here!” because it has started too many arguments. She thinks I’m just some nice old lady who pops by weekly. (she often thinks she’s in her 20s) So I am no longer subjected to the complaints.

Don’t take it personal ❤️ (She is ill). Repeat that several times.

DO NOT allow this so called guilt to sicken you, don’t be so hard on yourself speak peace (repeat the first paragraph)❤️ truth be told, if you become ill you may not get to visit ( you deserve to live in “perfect peace” and happiness and at 71 you deserve it!). I’m sure you did “all” the good that you could, remind yourself of that when that feeling of quilt grabs you.. and reject it, stomp on it, give it a 1-2 punch. Do not allow your mind to make you become your own worse enemy… Don’t do it!!! Lift your own spirit, trust God, trust the Universe!!❤️

Most of us have more years behind us than in front of us…. Make a plan to live the years in front of us in peace and with a clear conscious! God may grant us a few extra 😊

Stay encouraged❤️