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Oh hon, no not your fault at all! We all do the "what iffs" after a death.
But the fact is your mom was old.
I had to drop my dad off at the hospital, right during lock down. It was so horrible, do you know how many times the what iffs went through my head. To have to just leave someone at the hospital walk away and not know what happened after.
Be kinder to yourself, your not responsible, you did the best you could do.
My aunt died of sepsis IN THE HOSPITAL. Its very very easy to miss the signs of a UTI in a healthy person, never mind a person with dementia! Some people have no symptoms at all!
No, it was not your fault at all that you lost your dear mom. I too lost my mom who had dementia and I rejoiced on the day she passed at 95. I thanked God for taking her Home after such a long and misersble battle, and that she was finally free of pain, suffering and confusion.
Please be relieved your mom is free now too. Not that you don't miss her, but you had no part in her decline. Please know that. My condolences on your loss.
I didn't get the impression from the OP that her mom has died yet but has just "declined" since developing sepsis. Declining and dying are obviously 2 different things. Perhaps I misinterpreted that.
Your mother is old, her organs are old, and her brain is broken. UTIs in old people are common especially women because of anatomy, the proximity of our openings down there, and our ability to clean properly. Sepsis can happen in young people too! Don't blame yourself. It's not your fault.
No, not your fault in any way. Ditto to what others have posted about how common UTIs are in elderly women for a host of non-hygiene-related reasons, plus their seemingly non-physical symptoms and her inability to tell you what was going on with her.
If she is in decline still, was she hospitalized? Sometimes elders get something called hospital delirium because their routine is completely unended or they are reacting to the antibiotics, or are not keeping their IVs in, or eating enough. Again... none of which is your fault or very easy to recognize or control.
If you are implying that your Mom has actually passed away... my sincerely condolences to you. May you receive comfort and peace in your heart.
Blaming yourself for something that you had/have absolutely NO control over is a pure waste of your time. The fact that your mom is 94 and in poor health is the reason for her decline. Period. End of sentence. Your mom knows you're doing the very best you can and that you love her, and she would NOT want you feeling bad over anything. My late husband developed sepsis and septic shock after he almost died of aspiration pneumonia in 2018, and he lived for 22 more months until he died in 2020. So I will say just enjoy whatever time you may have left with your mom and leave the guilt in the trash where it belongs.
Sepsis can come sneaking its way in without warning. And once in, it is quick to shut down one major organ after the other. I spent a lifetime as an RN, and you cannot predict sepsis for a second. It will be there and if one is resistant to antibiotics it will quickly takeover. It is often a mercifully quick death and I hope this was the case if your mother has now passed.
The best doctors and the best nurses miss sepsis before it is too late often enough. Sometimes it is so sneaky as to seem the person is getting better with lower pressure and lower temps, and them boom, way TOO low.
My own brother passed of sepsis. He has a small sore on his shin he treated with antibiotic ointment and didn't really bother a soul about it. Then thought he had the flu. Then into hospital with sepsis and resistant to antibiotic treatment, and gone. He came home on hospice. He had early Lewy's and he hoped with all his heart it would pass before it robbed him of his reasoning. That's what happened. I am happy for him to this day.
Do not blame yourself for this one. There is nothing more common, esp for women, than UTIs, and to sepsis, I would challenge anyone to diagnosis it quickly, and find a good treatment for it. I am sorry for this decline, and loss if loss there has been.
If she was at home or AL, it may take 3 days for the culture report. While antibiotics can be prescribed, the culture report will indicate the best antibiotic to use. Unfortunately, with full blown sepsis, it may only take hours for organs to shut down. Unless nursing staff see it often or have an intuition that something is wrong in the early stages, it is often missed until too late. Sepsis has a high mortality rate.. it is not your fault.
I am chiming in even though everyone has said "this is not your fault" For some reason us older woman do not have the burning or itching that comes from having a UTI. My girls know when they have one and start treatment. My Mom had Dementia and I was told she was being tested because...she hit the aide with her toothbrush. Out of character for my Mom. In a normal older person, a UTI manifests itself with Dementia like symtoms it is hard when someone who has Dementia to diagnose UTI.
My Mom died at 89, at least 6 of those years with Dementia and the last two she declined fast. She went thru the whole actively dying thing for two weeks. Like Lea, I thanked God for finally taking her home.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
But the fact is your mom was old.
I had to drop my dad off at the hospital, right during lock down. It was so horrible, do you know how many times the what iffs went through my head. To have to just leave someone at the hospital walk away and not know what happened after.
Be kinder to yourself, your not responsible, you did the best you could do.
So sorry about your mom
No, it was not your fault at all that you lost your dear mom. I too lost my mom who had dementia and I rejoiced on the day she passed at 95. I thanked God for taking her Home after such a long and misersble battle, and that she was finally free of pain, suffering and confusion.
Please be relieved your mom is free now too. Not that you don't miss her, but you had no part in her decline. Please know that. My condolences on your loss.
Perhaps I misinterpreted that.
If she is in decline still, was she hospitalized? Sometimes elders get something called hospital delirium because their routine is completely unended or they are reacting to the antibiotics, or are not keeping their IVs in, or eating enough. Again... none of which is your fault or very easy to recognize or control.
If you are implying that your Mom has actually passed away... my sincerely condolences to you. May you receive comfort and peace in your heart.
The fact that your mom is 94 and in poor health is the reason for her decline. Period. End of sentence.
Your mom knows you're doing the very best you can and that you love her, and she would NOT want you feeling bad over anything.
My late husband developed sepsis and septic shock after he almost died of aspiration pneumonia in 2018, and he lived for 22 more months until he died in 2020.
So I will say just enjoy whatever time you may have left with your mom and leave the guilt in the trash where it belongs.
The best doctors and the best nurses miss sepsis before it is too late often enough. Sometimes it is so sneaky as to seem the person is getting better with lower pressure and lower temps, and them boom, way TOO low.
My own brother passed of sepsis. He has a small sore on his shin he treated with antibiotic ointment and didn't really bother a soul about it. Then thought he had the flu. Then into hospital with sepsis and resistant to antibiotic treatment, and gone. He came home on hospice. He had early Lewy's and he hoped with all his heart it would pass before it robbed him of his reasoning. That's what happened. I am happy for him to this day.
Do not blame yourself for this one. There is nothing more common, esp for women, than UTIs, and to sepsis, I would challenge anyone to diagnosis it quickly, and find a good treatment for it. I am sorry for this decline, and loss if loss there has been.
Unless nursing staff see it often or have an intuition that something is wrong in the early stages, it is often missed until too late. Sepsis has a high mortality rate.. it is not your fault.
My Mom died at 89, at least 6 of those years with Dementia and the last two she declined fast. She went thru the whole actively dying thing for two weeks. Like Lea, I thanked God for finally taking her home.