My mother recently began to get very mean at times and verbally abusive. I moved back in with her about 4-5 years ago, with the understanding, while she was still "well" that she would never threaten to kick me out of hurt me in any way for my own wellbeing going forward. A few days ago she started to ask me to leave at night, then she went into evicting me. I found her today calling credit card companies and getting my name taken off as authorized user. I worry about that because that is how I pay for her stuff and my own and I was worried it would trash my credit. She has no empathy or concern, and so I called the case worker, who within the last few days has told me she thinks it is time to put my Mom in a facility. I had the case worker try to tell her to hold off on decisions until we see mom's doctor next week, she said she couldn't. So I finally unhooked the phone, so that I could get some rest and stop the behavior and just said I didn't know what was wrong with the phone. At night she becomes loving and nice and yet still says it's time to go our separate ways not understanding that that will mean she has to leave our home not me. I know there is probably no way to convince her otherwise, as if she gave that part up, then I feel I could keep her home longer. I also have durable and medical POA, so before I give her back the phone do I contact the credit card companies and anyone else I think is necessary and provide the POA. I have been at this alone, my siblings won't even talk to me or help me emotionally or financially, I am overworked, not paid, and trying to run a jewelry business from the house. I am 46 years old and feel like a failure that I have to depend on mommy's money to survive and hate that she holds such control, yet love her so much and don't want to let her down. I fear she will never understand what I have given up and continue to and I don't want to put her in a home, but I don't want to live in fear and be harassed every day either. What do you do in this position?
Your post is a bit confusing. You say that you moved in with mother 4 or 5 years ago, but also that she would have to be the one to leave. Who owns the house? Or is the leaseholder? Why is there a caseworker? Who employs the caseworker, and what powers to they have? At 46 years old, you probably shouldn’t be depending on her money, or trying to run an unprofitable business from home.
Yes it would make sense to provide copies of the POA to the bank, but remember that M can cancel it if she is legally capable – which at age 78 she may well be.
If you can provide more information, I am sure that other posters can provide more support. In the meantime, you have my best wishes, Margaret
Why is it perfectly acceptable for a woman with a child to be a 'stay at home mom' (formally known as a housewife who doesn't work)? She lives off her man's money because he provides for her and the household.
Yet society cannot accept if an adult is a 'stay at home caregiver' for an elderly parent or relative. People think they have a right to direspect and chastize such a person and treat them like a social leper. Society really has no right to and neither do you.
More elderly or disabled people would be in institutional care if it weren't for all the stay at home caregivers who 'live off them for free'. They really don't though. What they actually get for their trouble and all the abuse they take is a place to sleep and food. It really is like a form of slavery for so many.
If you think the other siblings aren't responsible for some financial support, well you'd be wrong there too.
The sibling who is a 'stay at home caregiver' keeps the miserable yoke of caregiving for an elderly person off of their necks. That 'stay at home caregiver' makes their lives possible. They take all the responsibility for the elder's needs and all the abuse and negativity that comes with it. They make it possible for siblings to enjoy their homes and families, have a career, take vacations and have active social lives. They also preserve potential inheritance for them because they're keeping mom and dad out of a "home".
The siblings of a 'stay at home caregiver' owe them and they owe them big.
I would NEVER have remained in the caregiver role with my mother if there were not special legal arrangements made and my sibling is perfectly fine with it. She knows that I will make sure out mother is cared for. It may have to be in a facility and we're both fine with it.
Onice you get that cleared up, it's time to get some more stable employment outside the house. That will be a great reason for mom to start to think seriously about congregate living.
Unfortunately I think the time for employment outside of the home has past, as long as she is with me. I have started a part time business at home, and have foolishly allowed that income, since through an online selling site, go to her account, as it was set up that way and was easy. Definitely something that I am fixing and will continue to keep my eyes open to for the future to come. Thanks
The early encounters with dementia and its damaging consequences, were typically the hardest, at least for me.
After facing the fact that my LOs were no longer the dear souls I’d loved in our past, I could get to the business of providing for their needs, and once again taking care of myself. I also learned to put aside the “shoulda, coulda, wouldas” (thanks Judge Judy!)” and realize that “guilt” wasn’t part of my life as caregiver ver.
SO- get used to the fact that her damaged brain is saying (and doing) that are not part of who she was, but are part of who she has become.
If you can get an evaluation on her cognitive status, you will be able to activate your POA now, and begin to think about arranging for a life of safety and good care for her, so ask n medical supervisor, contact that person and explain what’s going on.
Also, review your POA and figure out, if you can, what specific indicators there are in it to put it into effect. This varies from state to state.
You are right “….she will never understand…..” because she can’t. Let yourself put that part of your time together in the past, and focus as much as you can, on HER present and HER future.
Forget your siblings in your dealings with your mom’s care. Their contributions aren’t legally relevant so don’t let yourself be harassed or confused by them.
NOBODY wants to “….put her (or him) in a home” but often, residential care may be a NEEDED solution to provide in the best way for loved ones with dementia to live safely and comfortably.
You need FACTS to make the painful and difficult decisions that will serve you best. Do you know all of the details of her financial situation? Do you know what services are available for dementia patients in your geographic area? Look up “Adult Daycare” and “Geriatric Care” to start, and see if there are other topics that can help you collect information.
Finally, you can be comfortable with no longer trying to “convince” her or “persuade” her or in anyway to use her progressively deteriorating mental abilities to change her mind or her actions. She has become erratic and will continue to need your love and now, your supervision. NO GUILT. YOU didn’t do this to her, the uncontrollable changes in her brain did.
You can do searches online to find out about the services that may be helpful for you and for her. Do that.
You are NOT ALONE in this. Please ask the questions that occur to you. Please be good to yourself. Please realize that you are doing all that can be done.
Your situation and hers (and mine as well) have VERY FEW HAPPY ENDINGS.
Be content that you are doing your best.
She did have a brain MRI in February, that talked about loss of her brain, she has taken many, many falls, because she has peripheral neuropathy in her feet, and can't feel the front, so she will lose her balance and fall back, therefore the front of her brain takes the hit. So a lot of it is front temporal lobe damage. The problem was, in getting someone to explain the results. The P.A. who ordered the MRI, would not discuss it with me over the phone and due to COVID I could not go in. She said I hadn't even seen the neurologist yet, no my fault, but the office somehow decided it was okay not to get on the phone and have an appointment with me that way, something that still really ticks me off, because maybe I would have been better prepared for this, who knows, maybe not. I finally had her primary read it, and she was in the room, so they just said interesting, and left.
Now here we are, and the doctor wants me to call on Monday and get her in to be seen, perhaps get another neurological evaluation, as the first one blamed medication interactions and nothing else. I feel like she has received really poor care and I of course feel partially responsible for that. The guilt thing is really so hard. I know I have disappointed her in the past, and I am not that person anymore, so I have to remember that and joining this site has been the first thing I have done for my mental health in a very long time. So I thank all of you for taking the time. It mean so much.
You have her POA and she has a caseworker that you're in touch with. It's time for you to send copies of that POA to everyone. Cancel the credit cards and have them and have new ones issued. With the POA you will be able to make authorized purchases for your mother without your own credit being affected. They have know about things though. Same with the bank. Don't give her access to money or credit cards.
Don't be ashamed of yourself because you "survive on mommy's money". You work for "mommy" as an unpaid domestic servant. You are responsible for every need, demand, and want that "mommy" has. You're also responsible for her home and pretty much her very existence 24/7.
Everything your mother pays for or gives to you benefits her in some way. Remember that.
I had a similar situation with my mother. She tried pulling the 'letting me come back for free' act many times. I remind her of the check I wrote paying off the loans she took against the equity of the house because it would have been foreclosed. Also, that she'd be sleeping under a bridge or in the crappiest Medicaid-sponsored nursing home around if I didn't do this.
Never tolerate abuse from anyone even when they have dementia. This is why families place an elder with dementia. The clingy neediness and verbal abuse go beyond the tolerance of what they can live with.
It's good that there is already a caseworker. They can help you. Sometimes placement isn't the answer for every family's situation.
You and the caseworker have to get that POA into action and you take over. When "mommy" is no longer in charge then you will be able to make decisions for what her care plan will look like. It may not include liquidating her house and handing the money over to a facility. It may mean she goes to daycare. Or that homecare starts coming in. Your mother doesn't get a say. You want her in daycare, you send her. You want in-home caregivers, they come. She gets too disagreeable then there's always the option of placement as well.
I did get the POA scanned into the computer and have it in my Google drive to send as necessary. I feel like this all came on so quickly, but then looking back I think, no maybe it hasn't. This whole disagreeable thing came on so fast and it is scary for me. There was a time in my life where I wasn't someone who could say I should or shouldn't get to stay somewhere because of the choices I was making, and that time in my life has been past and over for more than 10 years. So the whole threatening of this isn't worrying me that she can do it as much as it's hard to hear and brings up painful memories, and part of me hates that I allow it to, and it does.
I feel like as her daughter I don't have the right to override her choices and decisions, and then I have to remember they aren't her complete and total decisions and choices, because she doesn't fully understand what she is saying. It's only been a little over a week since this part of this started and it's still such a shock. Besides the fact that I have been burnt out since about the 1st year and still going in my 4th year. I always thought as close as my Mom and I were and always had been, that, foolishly I would somehow be able to get through to her, and I foolishly did not give the brain, or lack of, the credit it deserved in it's power.
They did start her on a medication about 6 weeks ago called Donzepale, and I was wondering if that could have something to do with this, but 6 weeks seems like too long to have done that and the case worker didn't have any interest in exploring any other reason.
Today she is sweeter than she has been, walking better than before, and I am just now starting to understand that it is just a trick that her mind is playing on mine, not intentionally, but it presents that way.
How do you deal with it if you bring in help, assuming the insurance pays for it, and she isn't happy about it? Do they just eventually get that they don't have the control, which I can't imagine if she doesn't get the other stuff. So is this the way I will always remember my Mom, if I so chose, I guess I should say will this be the last behavior I know of my Mom, to which no one, I know, knows the answer. And that's scary...thanks for answering
Keep toxic people out of your life.
Once thing I would say is that many of us have had the experience of a marriage breaking down, and thinking that the person we thought we married was all an illusion. The reality is that people can be different at different times, depending on a whole range of things. The ‘old’ person was true, but is not what you are seeing now. If you can stay the course, you can remember the ‘old’ person, even if the most recent experience is very different. Have courage, Margaret