My mom's demands are getting worse. How can I set boundaries without putting my parents, particularly my blind stepfather at risk?

Sunset...

You are a fairly extreme example of someone who is accepting "responsibility without power." You need to stop doing that, because a) it's terrible for you; and b) it will do nothing to improve your parents' currently precarious living situation.

As things stand, and until someone with the legal authority to do it says otherwise, your mother and stepfather are consenting adults - fully in charge of their own decisions, fully responsible for the consequences of their own choices. Which means you have no authority to change anything, no power to make improvements, no way to fulfil the obligations you are taking on. It's impossible.

One thing strikes me in particular. A big factor for you is your fear that if you don't do something your mother demands, your stepfather will do it at risk to himself.

But think this through. For the majority of the time, your stepfather just muddles through, and you don't worry about it because you don't see it. So... I know you can't stop worrying about him, but try to remind yourself that this is up to him, and you are not responsible for what happens as a result.

Or, let's take your typical scenario...

She randomly texts me "Can you go to the store today?"
Me: "I told you that I was double booked an hour away! That is why I wanted to do that yesterday."

Try this instead...

She randomly texts me "Can you go to the store today?"
Me: "No, I can't. Write a list and I will go on [insert convenient day]."

They've no food in the house? Really? I'd be very surprised. They may not have supplies of whatever your mother has taken it into her head to fancy at that moment, but I'd be astonished if they had literally no food in the fridge, the freezer or the cupboard.

Your stepfather goes out instead? Well, you can't stop him! Up to him.

There are two things you can do immediately. You can contact your local social services and request a needs assessment for them. You don't need anyone's permission to do that. Your mother may refuse to co-operate: this would be annoying and a waste of people's time, but that in itself will go on record along with the fact that you have reported their difficulties. Moreover, the decision is not entirely your mother's; and if her refusal adversely affects your vulnerable stepfather, that too is something to be taken into account. It's worth doing - social workers know their business.

You can also try to track down a friendly but firm occupational therapist and ask for a review of their home layout. Things like the famous shower seat are improvements your mother might welcome, and if the advice comes from a knowledgable professional perhaps she'll take it better.

Both you and your stepfather are fearful of your mother's meltdowns. Professional therapists and social workers aren't. Get allies! Stop trying to do this job on your own.

This is very hard.

You are attempting to care for two people who can't care for themselves, who don't accept their limitations.

Does either , or both, have cognitive issues?

Have you had an assessment of their living situation by the local authority?

What does their doctor think about the fact that they live without 24/7 supervision?

This doesn't sound like a tenable situation to me.

Do you think that either of your parents might be experiencing cognitive decline? "I can't think about that now" could be stubbornness, manipulation, or a fear of lost ability to think. (If it is within her control, it is pretty inconsiderate, isn't it? Has she always been inconsiderate, or is this fairly new?)

I think that ignoring a tantrum is an appropriate response. But I can also understand that all the drama is wearing on you.

Has Stepdad no ability to establish boundaries? Can't he say, "Sunset says she'll go shopping for us tomorrow. I'm not going out on the busy road to get a candy bar. Wait a day"? I suppose that would be admitting that he has limitations. Sigh.

Does Stepfather have a white cane? Has he had instructions and help learning how to navigate his neighborhood? If not, could you arrange that? Many people who are legally blind are quite independent. Perhaps that isn't realistic for him, but at least some improvement in the safety realm might be achieved.

Would Mother's mobility be improved if she had a wheelchair she could move around with her feet, or some kind of mobility scooter?

Is there anything you can think of that would increase/maintain their independence a bit?

Mother can't think about planning around your schedule. So don't talk about it. Make out your own schedule, for at least a week or better two weeks. Present it to them. And stick to it! "Mom, as you can see on the schedule I'm out of town today. My next day to shop for you is Thursday. No ... I'll see you on Thursday."

"It's getting worse and worse." Yes, and it will probably continue in that direction, especially if there is cognitive impairment involved.

"I'm on my own caring for them." You don't have to be. If/when your parents need more care than you can/are willing to provide, there are other sources of help for them. Older adults who have no children or whose children live across the country do not typically live under an overpass in a cardboard box. Your parents are lucky to not only to still live in their house, have your help, and also to have you available to help arrange other help.

For starters, they should hire a cleaning service or person. Cleaning like a whirling dervish is not a good use of your limited time. That job is easy to hire done.

How about arranging for meals on wheels? That would presumably also cut down on the need for constant shopping and reduce the dishwashing. It would also give them someone new to see regularly, when the meals are delivered.

What is the parents' financial situation? Can they afford to bring in some outside help? If not, would they qualify for Medicaid? Do either of them have a case worker you could contact? One good source of information about what services might be available to them is the Area Agency on Aging.

This is hard! You are doing fine. I hope you can find ways to reduce your stress level as you handle this very challenging role.

I was typing while Barb was posting. Interesting that we had some of the same ideas, isn't it?

Sunset...

We're straight back to the friction and hostility that you fear your attempts to help might create. I think you're going to have to look on that particular fear as Square One, and change it. If you don't, you'll get nowhere.

What if APS don't intervene but your mother gets to hear that you contacted them?
What if your stepfather's brother doesn't help, but - again - word gets back to your mother and stepfather?
They would be so angry with you! - for discussing their private business with other people.

Quite possibly. And? So? Would that anger be reasonable? Or would it be self-defeating and foolish?

Look. If you sincerely fear for your stepfather's safety, report to APS that he is a visually impaired senior attempting to be his wife's primary caregiver; that his home environment is unsafe for him; and that you are prevented from providing support. Focus on your concerns for him as the vulnerable elder. You'll need to be specific about what risks you are concerned about - give examples including dates, what happened, what resulted.

I wouldn't expect too much of the brother and sister-in-law. Presumably they're no spring chickens either, and maybe have their own difficulties to deal with. If they're not regularly in touch with your stepfather - or if previous encounters with your mother have been... um... "lively" - they may be immediately on the qui vive about what exactly you're asking them to do. If you do call them, first of all ask how *they* are doing and listen carefully; then you can judge whether it's appropriate to raise concerns about your own parents. Worst case scenario, you've exchanged a nice chat and an update - nothing wrong with that.

But to return to the boundaries issue. Only one way round that. You have to stop being afraid of pissing your mother off.

You do not mention POA for finances or healthcare. If they are not in place, my first step would be to tell them, you cannot possibly do anything more for them until they have signed those documents.

Next step, there are many ways to get to a doctor's appointment that do not involve you taking time off work. They can take a cab, local medical transport etc. You do not have to drive them. If you call their doctor's the receptionist should be able to provide the names and numbers for local services. I was a receptionist in medical offices for years and I kept this information handy.

Grocery delivery. It is available in most communities. I set it up for my former mil about 10 years ago and she loves it. It took two years to convince her to do it, but she soon came around. Also prescription delivery.

You can even with out Healthcare POA, send a letter to their doctors explaining your concerns and listing the things they are not capable of doing and the risky things they are doing. The doctor may or may not address the concerns on their next visit.

As far as modifying the house goes, although you see moving furniture as making it easier for your step dad, he may not adjust easily. They are also scared of giving up what little control they still have.

I am not someone who is afraid of people being mad at me. If their living conditions are unsafe, I would have no problem reporting it to the authorities. If Mum and Dad get mad, but in the meantime get help it is a good thing.

I am not sure what you expect your step dad's brother and wife to do? I think it makes sense to let them know the situation, but it is unlikely they can change anything.

Follow up with the veteran options.

Thank you. It is very hard.
Neither has been formally diagnosed with cognitive dysfunction but I think they both have issues.

My stepfather has a white cane, but didn't like and won't do anything with Lighthouse For Blind or any other organization to

I went to the doctor with my mom recently and I think the doctor is terrible. She prescribed an antibiotic that made her so sick she couldn't eat and when my mom called her (in the morning), the office called back just before closing and told her to keep taking it. She can't walk, why doesn't she recommend a wheelchair or walker or something? So, I doubt that doctor asks or cares how they are managing on their own.

I have no control in managing their care and get limited information from my mom. I'm trying to remember to ask about doctor's appointments and figure out what else I need to ask, but she's running me ragged while I'm there.

They seem to be having more medical and household problems. I know that I need to do something to try to manage it all, but between trying to work helping them, I am having trouble finding time to research what I need to do, make calls, sneak around their home to find information and follow up on my efforts.

I just found this forum and called my local Area Agency on Aging, but could only leave a message.

I don't live with them, I live 15 miles away, which is part of my frustration with her inability to plan. When I say "I told you that I could go whatever day." She gets upset and then my stepfather texts to ask when I can go and I know he is getting ready to go out for her.

It's so unmanageable. I can't believe the nonsense she pesters me about, to add to everything I'm already doing! I'm becoming so scatter brained and exhausted. The last few nights I'm up all night scouring these forums for clues to getting a handle on things.

Years ago, and we all lived in San Francisco, before I had to move cross country, I researched and tried talking to them about Assisted Living and other options. They refused to discuss any of it and then refused to talk to me for a year.
Finally when they couldn't manage on their own, they abandoned everything and moved cross country also, an hour away from me. I was only managing to get to them once every couple of months. So I looked into the home care options and we started to apply for a veterans grant. I quickly realized that my parents are in total denial about their situation.

I would suggest that my mother and tell her doctor about some of the things she needed help with and she said "I want to get a seat for the shower." I said what about managing your oxygen? Your meals? A walker? And she just kept mentioning the shower seat.

Now that I live close, she and my stepfather make appointments as if they will just get in the car and go. Then, they text or call me the day before and ask me to take them. They are not in reality.

The other day I told my mom that I should have a list of her medications and she got paranoid and defensive before I reminded her that I have had lists of them in the past. I don't know how I can possibly get information I've seen on checklists online! I had an advanced directive for my stepfather years ago, but it's gone.

I'm just trying to figure out how to get some control and not to argue with them or let them know that I am trying to manage anything because they get so defensive. It's just so hard when I am spread so thin.

Working for a Visiting Nurse agency I found that , unless Medicare rules have changed, Medicare does not cover shower chairs. Wal-Mart sell them.

I was so lucky. Mom had her stubborn times but on the whole was very easy. Maybe hiring someone a day or two a week to run errands and clean. Maybe get lunch and dinner. You could provide them with a prepaid card to do the shopping. Gift cards can be used this way and refilled. Tell Mom and Dad what days the person will be there and start making lists. Hopefully you have POAs on these two because you are going to need to make decisions when they no longer can. I think the need for an AL is there. Try to explain you no longer can do it all and they need help. If you have POA, contact the pharmacy they use and ask if you can get a print off of their meds.

My dad pulled these kind of stunts, he was going to be in control and by hook or crook it would be his way or the wrath was upon me. NOPE, NOT GONNA HAPPEN, I could never dance fast enough to please him, so why would I kill myself, I love my dad but, he does not own me and thereby I am free to do what I can, when I can. If he makes bad choices to get his way, no guilt, he is a grown man and has not been deemed incompetent so I in actuality can not force anything, that my dear is a two way street. Set boundaries, let her rant and rave and be willing to say, I'm not agreeable to being treated so poorly so I'm leaving now, think about it and next time I come over hopefully we can deal with your immediate needs, leave, expect a tantrum, don't answer calls and then go back, if this doesn't stop the atrocious behavior, repeat, she needs to learn that piddling on your only helper is a really stupid thing to do and enough is enough. I would bet your mom has always been a manipulating control freak. You are no longer a child and have every right to set and hold boundaries, these kinds of personalities will eat you alive as long as they get what they want and could not care less how it effects the one being consumed.

May God grant you the strength to set and hold boundaries and to endure the tantrums that will come.

Sunset
Did you post a similar question a couple of days ago ?