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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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While some elderly people relish talking about passing and the kind of funeral they want, some people avoid it like the Plague. My parents took out a pre-planning contract which really didn’t pay for much, but at least I knew what they wanted and didn’t want. Hubby is one of those who has only said he doesn’t want “a big Catholic Hoo-hah” when he passes, but nothing else. To be fair, I haven’t said much to him or my kids about what I want, either.
You can’t exactly approach your mom and say, “Hey, Mom, what are we supposed to do with you when you die?” How about, in a casual conversation, mention you” went to “a friend’s funeral last week” and...describe the scene. It was “so over the top” or “I can’t believe how beautiful the service was!” Wait for her to comment. Wash a few dishes. Get a cup of coffee. Then say something like “You don’t want a big party like that, do you, Mom?” Does she have a gravesite? Want to be cremated? Has she ever said ANYTHING about her wishes to anyone? Badgering her about it won’t work. No one wants to face their own mortality. If she absolutely and positively won’t deal with it, your only option is to casually shrug and say “Well then, Mom, you’ll just have to trust me to do what I think you would want,” and drop the subject.
It's going to be hard discussing this with an ALZ patient. To me, it depends on money. Keep her funeral simple. I chose the same coffin Mom chose for Dad. Keep flowers simple. Have a viewing before the service. If cremated, you can have a memorial service in her Church cutting out the funeral home. I kept Moms luncheon to just family and close friends.
Only thing I would add is that you have to also consider the family - older relatives would likely not be able to sit through a long drawn out service. My elderly aunt said, 'well I won't be there anyway, so what does it matter?' I'm just doing the best I can with the money available, and the fact that so many friends and relatives are getting feeble also.
Laprofe, since your Mom didn't leave any instructions, you do what you think Mom would like.
I remember my Dad saying he wanted to buried in Iowa.... I thought, thanks Dad for narrowing that down :P Later I learned he already had a plot for him and my Mom, and I found out what cemetery.
So if your Mom has any files, start digging just in case she did purchase a plot decades ago. Or if your parents were together a long time, and your Dad had already passed, if there is room where he is buried.
My parents never confided in me since we are not close and when dad died, my brother cremated him without asking any family and picked up the ashes in his trunk and gave them to me and said "take him to his plot in .... and bury him" What a jerk and then said it cost him $160 for the cremation, like he wanted some money(he has POA). We did our own burial and he never showed up. Needless to say I haven't seen him since.
My mother would not talk about it. I would initiate this conversation maybe once or twice a year for decades ( me until I was around 40 & mom 66-67. Wouldn’t talk about funeral plans or what to do or nothing. All I knew is she didn’t want to be cremated.
My brother and I did have a pre paid contract with a local funeral home and mom’s transfer from NH to the undertaker went very smoothly as did everything else.
If I were you I would ask her a couple of more times (set a limit for yourself as you’ve already asked a zillion times). And if she remains ambivalent after your last attempts then make the decisions for her. My mother passed at 3am in her NH & she was retrieved and brought to the funeral home by 5:30am.
Also gather up any life insurance or mom’s savings and pre pay for the funeral, etc. It cost us (her) $10k for minimal services in northern NJ( just across the Hudson from upper Manhattan). But it was worth it as all went without a hitch- low key but respectful and joyful as well (she was 89). Yep, if mama leaves no instructions then it’s up to we the children or other close family/friends to set something in motion. You’ll be relieved that you chose to pre plan the funeral and have time to rightfully grieve the loss of your mother.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
You can’t exactly approach your mom and say, “Hey, Mom, what are we supposed to do with you when you die?” How about, in a casual conversation, mention you” went to “a friend’s funeral last week” and...describe the scene. It was “so over the top” or “I can’t believe how beautiful the service was!” Wait for her to comment. Wash a few dishes. Get a cup of coffee. Then say something like “You don’t want a big party like that, do you, Mom?” Does she have a gravesite? Want to be cremated? Has she ever said ANYTHING about her wishes to anyone? Badgering her about it won’t work. No one wants to face their own mortality. If she absolutely and positively won’t deal with it, your only option is to casually shrug and say “Well then, Mom, you’ll just have to trust me to do what I think you would want,” and drop the subject.
I'm just doing the best I can with the money available, and the fact that so many friends and relatives are getting feeble also.
I remember my Dad saying he wanted to buried in Iowa.... I thought, thanks Dad for narrowing that down :P Later I learned he already had a plot for him and my Mom, and I found out what cemetery.
So if your Mom has any files, start digging just in case she did purchase a plot decades ago. Or if your parents were together a long time, and your Dad had already passed, if there is room where he is buried.
So plan whatever is the tradition in your family.
My brother and I did have a pre paid contract with a local funeral home and mom’s transfer from NH to the undertaker went very smoothly as did everything else.
If I were you I would ask her a couple of more times (set a limit for yourself as you’ve already asked a zillion times). And if she remains ambivalent after your last attempts then make the decisions for her. My mother passed at 3am in her NH & she was retrieved and brought to the funeral home by 5:30am.
Also gather up any life insurance or mom’s savings and pre pay for the funeral, etc. It cost us (her) $10k for minimal services in northern NJ( just across the Hudson from upper Manhattan). But it was worth it as all went without a hitch- low key but respectful and joyful as well (she was 89).
Yep, if mama leaves no instructions then it’s up to we the children or other close family/friends to set something in motion. You’ll be relieved that you chose to pre plan the funeral and have time to rightfully grieve the loss of your mother.