My sister, after living near her moved 3,000 miles away. I was sexually abused by my dad. When she found out( I was 12) she said, maybe I liked it. I never received help. I was always HER caretaker. She has been living near me for 1 year. She is still abusive and cruel. Her Being near me has Destroyed my life. Yet, she has no one else and the guilt of just walking away seems so cruel. I often feel that she will easily outlive me. Please, please help me. My therapist tells me that my mother just doesn’t have the capacity to love anyone. This just causes more sadness, anger etc. I am desperate to hear how others just walked away. Thanks in advance
Nancy
I know it sounds cold but my God, you have suffered a live time from her unwillingness to help you. You owe her absolutely nothing.
As for the idea of "honoring thy mother & father" that is for those who deserve it.
Just because they were the biological units who produced you doesn't make them parents or Mom & Dad in any true sense of the words,
Don't look back. Don't fall for the guilt trip. Save your feeling for those who deserve them.
With all due respect, I believe you should walk away from this thread. SofiaJoy is desperate for help, what you are providing is more guilt. She is working with a professional therapist and should heed her advice to set boundaries and walk away without the added guilt you are providing.
Christ told us to 'turn the other cheek' He did NOT say "stand there and let someone beat you to death".
Someday I will completely forgive my mother, as I am sure Sofia will also.
It just won't be today. Or probably even next week. Forgiveness is a process, and it can take a lifetime or more.
First, I am so sorry for the abuse you went through as a child, and what you are going through now. (((hugs)))
Second, I think your therapist might have oversimplified things. Your mother might not have the "capacity to love anyone". I have no idea. And if that's the case, that is terrible for her. But that doesn't excuse her lack of protection of you. Even the wildest animal, who will chase their grown offspring away once they are capable to taking care of themselves, are endowed with the primal instinct to protect their offspring! There is no excuse under the sun to not provide that very basic need to you! And you have every right to be angry, enraged, devastated, etc. by this lack!
One of the myriad emotions that abuse survivors live with is the terror of the feeling that their control was taken away from them. The sense of safety that ALL of us have a right to have. This was ripped away from you twice - once going through the abuse your dad perpetrated upon you, and again when your mother did not provide you with the protection you needed and deserved. And here you are, asking strangers for permission - for lack of a better word - to remove yourself from a toxic relationship that not only brings you no joy, but does the opposite - gives you endless grief and misery. You are clearly not a cruel person, not a heartless person, otherwise you wouldn't be having this crisis of conscious, whether or not to give this person the care and protection now which she denied you as a child.
You are worth something. You deserve to be happy. You deserve a life of your own not riddled with guilt and despair. The decision you make is yours and yours alone - in this, at least, you have all the power. I can't make this decision for you, nor can anyone else who is answering your post. Many of us are battling our own demons, and how I battle mine might not be the best way for you to battle yours. The only advice I will give you is this: at the end of the day, when your mom has died, which decision before you will be easier to live with? Not what will people think after, what would other people do, etc. You know yourself better than any of us here. Make the decision you need to make to have some measure of peace, and ignore the nay-sayers who are telling you what decision you should make and how you should feel about it.
Please, please continue with your therapy. And please, please make the choice that will give you peace - no one deserves it more.
(((hugs)))
Very well said.
The OP can decide the contact that is right for her. (I reckon a check-in phone call to the facility Mother lives in, say once every 3 months would do me).
Thx AREgoodenough!
If a woman "gives birth" to a child - she is considered the child's mother regardless of what me, you are anyone else thinks.
Nope - denial is not the problem, some people so full of hate they don't know how to forgive.
If you wish to stay connected to abusers in your life - that is of course your choice. But I would never suggest it.
Forgiveness, true forgiveness is indeed a gift. Maybe it is accepting the abuser is another damaged human... I don't know... but to forgive never means you must keep that person close in your life. (That reeks of co-dependance to me).
Forgiveness is an admirable suggestion but can appear as a 'holier than thou' attitude.
Does she feel guilty for letting you be abused and not believing you? Not being there for you? Not giving a damn if you were being hurt? My guess is NO.
Cut the ties. She moved near you with the assumption you'd swoop in and take care of her. Never mind she emotionally abandoned you when you were a kid. She does not deserve respect. She does not deserve pity.
You are worth standing up for, even when it's only you doing it. She is toxic.
Stop hoping she will change or see what she did wrong or apologize. She won't. She is evil and evil people don't stop to think on their transgressions. You'll need to find that love she denied you elsewhere. It's sad it's like this but none of it is your fault! Not then, not now, not ever. Let her go.
I am referring "reap what you sow" biblical speaking.
I don't mean "evil for evil" like you are speaking.
Why would anyone think they need to protect themselves from a poor 94 year old? smh
No.
Some things just can't be forgiven. Maybe God can forgive, but we're not God.
I hate this "oh, just forgive and forget, it was long ago" mentality. Attitudes like this are why abuse keeps going from generation to generation.
You deserve some peace.
No offense to you either - but you really don't know what I have been through in my life.
Personally, I could care less if I was abused or not, in my past. That is my past and it can stay in the past.
I realize some have been hurt by their mother but I do believe in forgiveness. At the end of the day, she is still your mother and you are to love her regardless. If a mother mistreats a child that God "blesses" her with, "She will reap what she sows." It is not necessary for us to "punish her" too.
Just went back and re-read your post and I am very sorry for the way your mother treated you. I really am. I can understand why you are hurting. However, it is like I said "She will reap what she sows." In the meantime, I believe you should forgive her and still love her because she is your mother.
Haileybug--no offense, but if you had walked a mile in the shoes of someone who was abused in any manner by a parent or sibling and are being told it didn't happen, or to stop making such a 'fuss' about nothing---well, then you really cannot weigh in on this.
My mom is essentially not a part of my life anymore. Going to see her and being metaphorically slapped in the face every.single.time I see her--why? I won't let strangers treat me like this!
Yes, my mother gave me life. I'm not a total jerk. I acknowledge and appreciate that. But I can say, without fear of being contradicted, that some women should not have had children. They are flawed in some deep, deep way that makes them incapable of the kind of unconditional love that being a mother requires.
I cannot see nor speak to my mother unless I am in a really 'good' place, and sadly, I am not usually in that place. 3/5 of my sibs are in the same place that I am.
My mother knew my OB was sexually abusing me and told me to be quiet about it, our family didn't 'do' that kind of thing. Well, OB went to jail several times for abusing other kids.
Are you suggesting that I keep up a relationship with a woman who was DISAPPOINTED that I beat cancer? Literally, disappointed.
We are the bruised ones who still manage to function, to love unconditionally and care for our families and others. No amount of therapy will totally remove the pain and sadness of a life where you were told you weren't 'worthy' of being loved.
But I am past feeling any kind of GUILT for any grief my mother tries to place on me. I have pre-grieved her death, and I doubt I will shed a single tear when she dies. I may actually truly have peace.
Luckily, I had a daddy who DID show me that I was loveable and good.
Your life, your choice. Again, you get the chit-end of the stick either way. But one is a bit less funky than the other. Choose the less funkier stick, ok?
And join a group for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers; there are a few closed groups on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/search/top?q=daughters%20of%20narcissistic%20mothers
It's very eye-opening to read posts from people who are in situations such as yours, and to see how they are coping. Some choose limited contact, while others choose to go no contact with their narc mothers; it's the only way. Gray rock is another coping mechanism you can Google as a way to deal with her when you do have contact, at least for the moment. Therapists are all fine and well, but there is nothing like a group of women who HAVE mothers with NPD to REALLY understand and empathize with what you're going through. Again, a very cathartic and eye opening experience, at least it was for me.
Listen to what CantDance is telling you here; she is a woman who knows what she is talking about.
Wishing you the best of luck taking care of YOURSELF now, you deserve to.
Saying "I feel grief" recognizes that you are sad and with time may heal, but that there is no real answer for what you feel.
Any parent you says to you "Maybe you liked it"? That is the evil person. That is the felon in need of feeling guilty and asking forgiveness. But that doesn't happen much.
For all the reasons that evil people injure their children so badly that they are helpless and cannot move away, that they stay with the evil one hoping until the end to hear that they are a good child--for all those reasons-- you have stuck here. ARE stuck there. Mired in mud.
I am glad you are in therapy now in order to move away from a mother who was NEVER DID have the capacity to love. You are a victim of her limitations and her inadequacies. She will not change. She is very flawed. She was and is what she was and is.
You must now gather the strengthm courage and determination to move away from the past and from your Mother's past and present hold on you. You have choices now to make:
Choice one: You can stay stuck here.
Choice two: You can make a life. Breaking old habits, will be hard work, will take a lot of courage. Letting go of the past and giving up magical hopes for the present will be very hard.
This is no longer about your Mother. Leave her to Heaven, as the old movie says. It is now about you. I still remember, when I was in therapy, the day that I was FINALLY told "I don't want to hear any more about HIM. This is getting repetitive". That was the day I had to start to do the hard work. This will be heavy lifting for you. I was told later by the therapist that the day they say this to their patient is the day the hard work starts or the day they never see them again.
There is a system in place for elders who never had children. That system will care for your mother. When you understand how sad and pathetic her own life is, you will perhaps be able to forgive her and move on. Meanwhile the systemp will provide to her much more than she has earned.
Good luck in your life. This will be the hardest work you ever did. And the most rewarding. And you will have earned every one of those rewards.
I am so sorry for the pain your mother has imposed on you. She was your dad's enabler; she didn't validate you or your suffering (caused by your dad) and did nothing to help or protect you. In fact, she wanted you to take care of Her. I would have to agree with your therapist that your mom is incapable of love. She has indeed ruined your life up until now. Your mother has moved closer to you to keep you near....not to love but to abuse. Because she needs someone to abuse, and you're IT.
So the big question is, are you going to hand over the rest of your life for her to ruin?
Sofiajoy, mothers like ours abandon their maternal roles to train us to be their servants. Our only value to them is to satisfy their own selfish purposes; how we can gratify their need to put us down, invalidate us, compete with us, and punish us. They have no respect for our boundaries. They make us feel guilty if we don't "take care" of Them and allow them to run roughshod over us. We have to "unlearn" our training. We have to love ourselves enough to remove ourselves from their orbit of abuse. We don't even know how to love ourselves enough to take care and protect ourselves. We have to take back our lives. Sofia, you don't owe your mom anything, not even an explanation. Your mom is sick, sick, sick. Remove yourself from her toxicity and live your own life. Walk away and never look back.
I did it. I told her I wasn't going to do the things she wanted any more. Yes, it made her mad. Yes, she lashed out at me. I called her out on the unimaginable abuses she did to me as a helpless child (which of course she denied). And yes, it was very painful; very hard work, but it was the single most liberating thing I've done in my life. I took my life back. And so can you!
Sofiajoy, today is the first day of the rest of Your Life. Seize it and lavish the love on yourself you never got from your wretched parents. You deserve it! I did it. And so can you! (((Hugs)))
Sad how these women gaslight us when we call them out on their behaviors, insisting we're wrong and denying those things EVER happened. My mother is always telling me 'the things you seem to 'remember' that never happened are amazing.' Yeah. What's amazing is your ability to GASLIGHT me and make me feel like a liar when YOU are the REAL liar, huh?
Continuing to be these women's source of narcissistic supply is so soul-crushing, nobody 'gets it' until their embroiled in it. And even when they're out of our homes and living elsewhere, they STILL have tentacles to dole out destruction with. Unless we go no contact, they slither in and wreak havoc. Sad but true.