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Her refusal to go includes 2-year-old type temper tantrums. I was able to get her to go look at an independent living facility, but when we got there she literally acted deaf, blind, dumb, and asleep the entire time, so she wouldn’t have to live there. I don’t know what to do.

You, like many of us, are waiting for “The Big Event” that will land her in the ER and then to “unsafe discharge” and then to a facility.
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Reply to southernwave
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Mine is 86 and at early stage of dementia……very stubborn. Doesn’t want to go to doctor also. So I told her fine, it’s your life, not fighting her anymore. Just don’t want to hear her whining about things hurting.
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Reply to Momlittr
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Next hospitalization, do an unsafe discharge. Sorry, but your mom is not safe living alone. Please realize this. Your mom should be living in a personal care home with memory care.
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Reply to Onlychild2024
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Well first off if she's showing signs of dementia, she wouldn't belong in independent living anyway, so not sure what you were thinking there, but would more than likely belong in assisted living or even memory care depending how far along she is in her dementia.
So other than trying the story line that her Medicare now requires her to go once a year for a physical(which some actually do), and then slip her doctor a note ahead of time explaining what is going on with your mom, so they can "test" her, you will have to wait for something bad to happen that lands her in the ER, and then you let the hospital know that she cannot return home as she is an "unsafe discharge" and they will then have to get her placed in the appropriate facility.
And guaranteed something bad will happen, it's just a matter of time.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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If you are not her PoA then you may not have any power to make her go anywhere or do anything, anyway. Just having a diagnosis won't get her into a facility if she has no PoA or legal guardian. And, even if she does she can physically resist moving and that's on a whole other level.

If you go into her house and it doesn't seem in total disarray, and there isn't rotting food anywhere, and her mail is opened and her bills are paid then she mostly may have some personality disorder causing her temper tantrums.

If there are other signs of declining ADLs and you can't get her to agree to make decisions in her own best interests, you have some options:

- when you go there and she's acting beligerent call 911 and tell them she's agitated and combative and may have a UTI. Go to the ER with her and let the discharge people know she's an "unsafe discharge" resisting help and has no PoA and you won't do it. You cal then talk to a social worker to see if she can be discharged directly into AL or MC. I think first they may want to deal with her combativeness and may put her in the psych wing until she complies with meds.

- if you can't get her to the ER you report her to APS. Take video of the inside of her residence, video her having a meltdown, etc. so that you have proof. Eventually she will become the ward of a court-appointed guardian and they will take care of all her care and decisions and manage all her affairs.

I'm so sorry about this stressful situation. I wish you success in getting her the appropriate care and peace in your heart as to however it happens.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Updated Info: My brother is health care POA, and I handle all her financial affairs. Hi is as outdone as I am. Someone comes in 5 days a week for 4 hrs. She is very verbally abusive to the care giver, and throws things at her. Mom has some eye issues, and was diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment 4 yrs ago. She doesn’t take any psych meds.
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Reply to GCMY12
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At 87, let her do what she wants or not. When the event happens that requires placement, the chips will fall where they may.
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Reply to LakeErie
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if you call APS and tell them your mom has dementia so it is unsafe for her to live alone and she refuses to move or accept help, they will get involved and force the move.

If you are lucky enough for her to need to go to the ER sometime soon, you can tell them she needs placed and cannot go back home. Otherwise a call to Adult Protective Services is my only suggestion. They can be stubborn as hell at this stage. It's upsetting for all involved.
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Reply to Jamesj
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Jdjn99 Nov 14, 2024
dcf or aps cannot force a move in any state . They can assist with help I no the home if client agrees but they have no legal ability to do anything . Some states will appoint a guardian but most will not sue to cost
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To my knowledge, if she's doing fine, let her stay at home and enjoy herself. When the time comes for her to at a home facility that will happen, but for now, she's OK.
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Reply to Faith563
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2 things needed to live alone - at any age - are able to maintain own health and able to maintain a safe environment. If mom can not do either, then she can no longer live alone. Try a telehealth appointment to test for mental capacity and dementia.
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Reply to Taarna
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