My mother insists in driving her car. How can I stop her from obsessing over this?

Hello and so sorry you are dealing with this, my heart goes out to you💕
To put it simply, you are going to have to transition into parenting your parent!
You are the one with the sound mind. Her safety and others that drive vehicles in the world are counting on you to protect them!

So, when you remove the car ( hint hint) notify you local police station of her condition because she may call to say hey vehicle was stolen ( don’t know if they can flag her calls) but possibly you can find out. Not too sure how you’ll decide to deal with having the phone but, it will have to go in the equation also.
Be prepared to hear the “never ending” broken record of where’s my car, I need to drive to go here and there, how dare you sell my car, move my car, get rid of my car etc….
Our parents are already “strong willed” lol as are we
however, that entangled with dementia, and dying brain cells is a chaotic mess🤦🏽‍♀️ No disrespect intended. I have stood in your shoes just different scenarios and incidents.
Parent her as lovingly as you can, the same way you parent your children( if you have kids)
Ex. You are grounded.. give me the keys😅🥹🙃
Wishing you the best❤️‍🩹

Roger, try and get your mum to give you POA, if you have not already done so and she has capacity to do so. Otherwise, find out whether you can get guardianship.

It's really hard for anyone to lose independence, and it sounds as if your mum is in the early stages of dementia, so she is aware of losing hers.

Try and talk to your mum so it feels to her as if it were her choice to get rid of the care - costs, fuel, maintenance etc.
In the meantime, report your mum's cognitive decline to the licencing authority and get them to revoke her licence.

See if the doctor will be the "bad cop" and tell your mum that she is no longer able to drive.

If you have POA, or once you do, limit mum's spending, so that she can't just replace or fix anything that she shouldn't have.

Get the car out of sight - it's broken and in the garage .

Take some control now - over your mum's life (because she can't) and over your life (because you can).

It's time that your mum be placed in care. I'm not exactly sure what "assisted living" is in the US, but if you could find a facility that has everything on site, your mum would likely feel more secure and content. After the initial upheaval, that is.

I wish that my mum had moved while she was still strong enough to take part in activities, without my help, or to pop downstairs to the hairdresser on her own. Stimulation and socialising are really good for people with dementia - and for those of us without it.

Please do this soon before it's too late for your mum to feel the benefit.

Sounds like it is time to get rid of the car.

Rogerwyatt7890: My very outspoken late aunt drove her car into her apartment building because she also had to get her hair done. She arrived at my mother's bloody faced and told my mother "nothing happened." "Yeah, right - you could have killed yourself and others." She mistook her brake for the accelerator pedal, a common occurrence with the elderly.
Another example of elder driving was my mother's friend, who said that a stop sign was just a suggestion. I said "Mother, you will NEVER ride with Doris again."

Your mother's DL needs to be revoked by the MVA. As your mother has dementia, the auto should be removed.

This is a terribly difficult situation. I'm so sorry. If she's incapable of driving safely, maybe it's time to ask the police for help by having them track her and pull her over. We have a tracking device in my mother's cellphone (Life360) and while she's in the borderlands of dementia... but if your mother is unsafe, I wonder if you are able to ask the police for help... This is one of the most difficult of all problems in dementia care. I'm really sorry you have to deal with it.

Perhaps her fear may need to be addressed. If she has dementia there likely won’t be any “rational” conversation with her about it. I wonder if seeing her car jumpstarts her anxiety and reminds her afraid of being trapped if she doesn’t have it. Having her license taken away may be as effective as a protection order against an abusive partner or spouse. What’s to stop them doing what they’re determined to do? It may be time to get rid of her car. Do you have POA so you can do this? Can you offer transportation to get to the hairdresser or can you call Uber? Having her hair done is a normal activity and makes her feel better about herself. It sounds like it’s a routine and it’s something positive for her. She gets attention from someone who is used to talking about anything with their clients.

To me, the issue isn't necessarily her obsessing, it is how to avoid your mother from killing herself or others due to her insistent of driving. This is the issue.
* Her license needs to re revoked (through MD and DMV).

* Take her phone away or block calls - coming in and going out. Do not allow her to be calling 'demanding' to start her car 'again.'

* You likely cannot stop her from obsessing (perhaps possible with medication; requires MD assessment).

* Ensure you know your legal authority over her accounts / medical decisions, DMV-driving, banking/finances.

* A lot depends on her cognitive functioning which you do not discuss here.

* If she is diagnosed to be of 'sound mind,' then perhaps there is little you can do.

* In addition to getting a medical evaluation, you might need to contact an attorney. You must get your legal authority / documents in order.

The priority here is to NOT ALLOW HER TO DRIVE if there is a dementia and /or reason to believe she might drive and injure or kill herself or others.

Gena / Touch Matters

Does mom have a granddaughter or a grandson that is in need of a vehicle and maybe you could say you’d like to see if Mom would be interested in helping them out? Otherwise what you did for us by disabling the car is the best thing you can do but like someone else said would be best to maybe tow it away and put it somewhere where she can’t see it anymore and that it died it would be too expensive to fix. Losing the car is one of the worst things that I’ve been through with my mom. But that’s what we did so you’re on the right track! Good luck

Here is an excerpt on the subject from my book "Dementia Care Companion" on the subject of driving:

Driving

Soon, she started having trouble on the road. It was like she didn’t notice road signs anymore. One time, she slammed on the brakes, thinking there was a ditch in front of her car. On the highway, when a car would pass her in the adjacent lane, she’d brake, thinking it was her car that was moving backward.
Whether the patient should continue to drive or hang up their car keys is a common area of contention during the early stage of dementia progression. Patients often insist on driving well past the time when it is safe for them to do so. According to the National Institute of Health, nearly one fifth of patients with documented dementia continue to drive, and two-thirds of those who continue to drive have impaired driving ability.

Signs of Unsafe Driving
·        Forgets addresses, gets lost in familiar places.
·        Lacks awareness of time and place.
·        Does not pay attention to road signs.
·        Does not observe speed limits.
·        Drives slowly and makes mistakes.
·        Gets brake and gas pedals confused.
·        Becomes angry and confused while driving.
·        Does not pay attention to street curbs.
·        Has frequent car accidents.

How to Ask a Loved One Not to Drive
She thought she was lucky in finding a parking spot whenever she needed one. When her car got towed, we found out that she had been parking in front of fire hydrants.
Ideally, you want to get the patient to agree to stop driving. This is likely an anxiety-provoking subject for the patient, as it would mean giving up a large measure of their independence. By addressing their anxiety, you’re more likely to get them to cooperate. If unsuccessful, however, you may have to resort to more extreme measures, such as hiding the car keys, disabling the car, or selling it.

Getting Help From Your Doctor
In many states, doctors are required by law to report to the local health department if a patient is diagnosed with dementia, or is impaired in a way that makes them unable to drive safely.
·        Ask your doctor to advise the patient not to drive anymore. Patients usually respect their doctor’s advice more than that of their spouse or caregiver. Make sure to get the doctor’s order in writing so you can show it to the patient if they forget.

Getting Help From the DMV
In many states, you can request the Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) to evaluate the driving skills and safety of a loved one that you deem unsafe. You can request the DMV to not divulge your identity. Based on the results of a road test, restrictions may be placed on the driver, like not being able to drive at night, during rush hours, or on freeways.
·        If the patient’s driver’s license is revoked, you can direct the blame at the DMV. This may help to redirect the patient’s anger and get them to cooperate with you.

Notify Your Insurance Company
I asked my wife to pull over for a minute while I ran to the store to pick up our order. As I was waiting to pay the cashier, I looked over and saw my wife standing next to me. Surprised, I asked if she had found a parking spot. “No,” she said. She seemed so calm, so innocent, that I panicked. I ran outside and found the car double-parked, driver’s door ajar, with the engine still running.
People with dementia are advised to contact their car insurance carriers to ensure that their insurance policies remain in force. Amendments may be required to cover for their illness. Insurance companies may refuse to pay damages if a person with dementia gets into a car accident and the company was not informed of the dementia at the time of diagnosis.

I contacted the DMV and explained my mom's dementia. They sent her a letter to report for a driver evaluation. She refused to attend the appointment so her license was taken away. I then sold the vehicle. Once she knew they took it away, she didn't argue about me taking her to run errands. Sometimes I would take her with me to run my errands to get her out of the house.

There is no stated condition about your mother in your profile. Have her evaluated by her doctor and social worker. If she has dementia or a similar condition and is no longer safe to drive, have her placed into a facility. This is best advice I can provide.

My mom was the same way. I told her she needed to pass the driving test first. I got her online and set her up to take the samples and also scheduled a driving test for evaluation with brookstone. Well. Mom could not pass the test online. First she said she didnt’ know how to do the computer so I offered to help. She would read the question and tell me the correct answer. That worked and she found she didn’t know a lot of the answers. I took her for the driving test and she refused to take it. She never asked to drive again.

The car battery situation is stressful. It may be worth trying to offer the mother alternative options, such as calling a car specialist or transporting by taxi or other convenient means.

Just read the comments and felt the need to comment.

Not everyone is a caregiver. I wasn't. I placed my Mom in a nice AL and later when the money ran out, a nice LTC with Medicaid paying. Denentia is hard to understand and to deal with. Its so unpredictable and the person has no idea they have it. So, they forget they are old and can't do anymore. They try to drive because they think they can. You telling them why they can't literally goes in one ear and out the other. They can forget what u say in a minute.

You may need to make the decision to place Mom.

You have 33 posts in your following. Some maybe posts you made or posts you responded to. Too many for us to go thru to remind us what your situation with Mom is. It would be a big help if u filled out your profile. How old is Mom, living on her own, living with you, you with her or iscshe in LTC or an AL. A little about yourself.

I will assume Mom is in her home. I will assume Dementia is present. As such, she should not be driving her car or living alone. If you have POA sell the car. Out of site, out of mind. If not, park it at your house, if u have one, or ask a friend to keep it for you. You need to get it out of her sight. Then when she asks where it is, tell her its in the shop for a tune up. Everytime she asks, its still being worked on.

Our neighbor had her Mom, suffered from ALZ, living with her and her Moms car sitting at the top of their driveway. They told her she was too old to drive. Her response "I know lots of old women who drive". I told them, get rid of the car. They did.

If your Mom has Dementia it will worsen. She can no longer make informed decisions about her life. You now have to make those decisions. You sort of become the adult and her the child. You will also become the badguy. Its what it is.

Get rid of the car. Line up an Uber for her to get her hair done.

You are clearly over your head in dealing with her, time to move on, regain your life.

Roger ,

Call the County Area of Aging TODAY for the county your mother lives in . Tell them you are burned out and you need to go back to your own home and your mother lives alone and she can’t . Ask them to please send out a social worker to the home to assist with placement . This is how I got my mother out of her home.

DO IT !!

If this doesn’t work then leave the home and call APS.

This may sound drastic but life is messy and tragic at times. Rip the bandaid off fast , get it done . Dementia is an awful disease . It has tentacles that strangle the caregiver. You are burned out , get Mom placed.

Roger, I think what people are saying is , we want to help you, but you need to help yourself first. We can only do so much.

You have one problem after another, with no solution

You can bring a horse to water but you can't make them drink.

I asked you on another post, what happens when you put your foot down with mom, in a loving way, have you tried?

People have given you suggestions after suggesting about the hoarding and garbage , have you thought about that issue, have you decided what to do about the garbage issue?

You ask questions but we never get back anything that your following though.

Tell your mom , until you stop bugging me to drive, I won't bring you to get a hair cut. Simple as that. It's not rocket science

Please do something besides complain.

This may sound rude to you but sometimes honesty is what someone needs

Are you getting a break, are you getting help, are you getting the garbage under control, are you going to get rid of the car?

Are you reading up on dementia?

What have you done about the over eating?

What are you doing to make your moms and your life better????

I agree that you will need to physically remove her car. You will need to come up with a therapeutic fib to tell her or she will continue to obsess over it. Something like: it has a transmission problem and is way too expensive to fix so it will be in the shop for a long time or let me help you sell it. I would then contact the DMV for her area (or go online) and report her as an unsafe driver. Depending on the state they will send her a letter instructing her to come in for a re-test of some sort. Don't tell her about the appointment. Don't take her to it. Just let her license lapse and cancel her car insurance then do whatever with the car.

Surrendering driving is often very emotional and profound -- and difficult for the family that is managing this. Spend some extra time with her to help her get over the hump, take her anywhere she wants to go, ask other family, friends, neighbors to take her on errands for a while. Is your Mom on anything for anxiety? If not, maybe consider speaking with her doctor about this option.

Everyday you have a new issue needing help.

Please go to your Mother's Doctor & tell him/her you cannot cope.

Physically remove her car from her home. You know you have to be the adult and do it. Tough tooties what she thinks about it. This is a safety issue not only for her but the unsuspecting public she may kill

I Took My Dads car keys and hid them and he Knew he shouldn't be driving . It is very sad for someone to lose their independence . He use to Like to clean His car . I still have it , he got taken away Over a year ago . The car smells Like him and I haven't had the heart to get rid of it . Sometimes you just have to say " You Can Not drive . " My Dad fell Once getting Out of His car and didn't arrive home for almost 3 hours . I Think you sound frazzled . Maybe you Can get someone to come in and give you a Break or bring Mom to the hairdressers . Every Friday seems a bit excessive But she probably enjoys her routine .

Take her to get her hair done.

Roger, in all these little mini-updates you give us I, in all my senior-moment-glory cannot even remember if your mom is actually diagnosed with dementia?
Is she?

We have so very many posts about the car dilemma. I know you are often here and will have read them. There seems no really good answer other than reporting in person to DMV. Sadly, in most cases this isn't stopping seniors. We ourselves have half the time been at war with one another over just who is responsible for these lethal weapons that incompetent drivers are on our roads, and what is to be done about it.

I still don't know if you are staying with mom or going, if you are going to be guardian or POA or what rights you actually have to intervene. Me, I am trying to get that car out of there. But not at the risk of her calling the cops and saying I stole it.

Wish I had an answer. But like most of your issues with your mom, other than placement and your moving away about 1,000 miles distant, I just don't have an answer.

I had a Great aunt who would call the ambulance to take her to the hairdresser . My relatives got fed up and Placed her into assisted Living . She had been In a wheel chair but for some reason once she got there and finally got Out of bed she could walk , make friends and had a gentleman caller . Best to get rid of the car . Grab the Keys and Like Misery says " have the car towed " other wise she will get Hurt or Kill someone .

Take the car out of sight , off the property . If necessary get it towed away . Tell her it’s broken .