My mother is 90 years old, but is perfectly capable of doing her daily chores. But wants to be waited on 24/7 and feels like she owns us children. What to do?
My 89 yrsr old mother wants to be waited on hand and foot and she has always loved to be taken care of.
she is the type of person who has always loved to be pushed around in a wheelchair.
But also her entire life she had to work to take care of us six kids that she kept having with our dad who did not support us financially . She's always had a lot of anxiety and issues and she got rid of my dad with her with her yelling .
anyway, Her idea of a vacation would be to go to a hospital and be waited on and have her food brought to her but it has to be food that she wants.
The worst problem she has is being hard of hearing and says her eyesight is going but often surprises me by being able to see very well like she forgets.
Is there a condition where a person just wants to be taken care of all the time and waited on hand and foot. ?
What causes this when they're still able to do it themselves.
My mother is more healthy than my 69-year-old sister but she expects my 69 year old sister to be at her beck and call. She cares nothing about my sister's life.
She cares nothing about any of our lives and thinks we should be there.
My mother has no assets and cannot afford anyone to come in but even if she could she would not allow it she would not allow home health care in she wants us to come in and do everything everyday.
She loves to be taken care of. She is extremely healthy and will probably live to be 110 I fully believe she will outlive the people that she is using now, us 'kids'. If we do not do everything she wants when she wants it she will fake a stroke or something just to force us to do what she wants done. And every single time she will deny that any of this happened. It has been very difficult. She has absolute ability to determine and to take her pills which she only has three different types of pills which is pretty good for her age.
My mother was not a very kind mother not very affectionate but she did work and keep all of us kids together when our dad was not able to support us but it was not a good experience as she liked to yell a lot. I've never felt close to my mother and I don't want to be close to her now but I am forced to do all of her electronic and Financial work fix her phone a few times a week. And every time she will say see that was no big deal. I very much resent her and so it is very difficult for me. My husband helps a lot by doing some of the chores for me.
She is ruining my sister's life and now she is ruining one of my younger brother's Life by calling him all the time for stupid stuff. It's like she has absolutely no awareness or care for our own lives and how difficult they are. One of my brothers is homeless and lives in a car or he lives here at at our house and she calls him to do work for her but she will not let him live with her and he would not be able to stand living with her anyway.
If you try to talk to her about any of this stuff she is flabbergasted because she believes herself to be so charming and wonderful. She cannot get the Medicaid so that she can move into an assisted living or nursing home because she makes $40 over the income of $1350 or whatever it is a month.
She went to a rehab place courtesy of Medicare after she had a ' stroke' which was really just a panic attack because my sister wanted to go to on a short 4 day trip she needed to keep my sister from going anywhere. I told my sister never to tell her if she was going somewhere.
But my mom used it as an excuse to go into the hospital and she went to a rehab afterwards and she hated it even though she had a private room. So I know she would absolutely hate a nursing home even if Medicaid would put her in one.
I don't know what my question is other than is there a specific mental illness that causes a person that wants to be waited on hand and foot like a baby?
Want their hair washed want a shower and they want their daughters to do all this personal care for them. I want to escape!
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The boundaries are for you.
Someone so needy, without means to solve their own problems, who only want family will NOT stop calling family.
If the family answer, run, do.. they will absolutely NOT stop calling family.
Because? It WORKS for them!
How many adults are in this 'let's support Mother' set up with you?
Having a group meeting with all of them is my advice. Decide together who will do what. Everyone has a say.
Everyone listens.
Eg SoAone, if you say I will visit TWICE a week. Once visit to bring a few groceries & take the rubbish out. Second visit to drive to appointments.
Then that is YOUR new boundary.
Everything outside of that you say * No, I can't *
I'm learning slowly to understand that there are things our elders can do for themselves and things they need help with. Discernment is not always clear and easy. Allowing them to lead and be in control as much as possible, benefits everyone. They are becoming weaker on the outside, but very tough on the inside.
Living for 90 years in this world makes you tough, very tough.
Being in control is everything to an elder. So then you have to allow them that, while setting boundaries for yourself. I have found that my parent will do more for herself when I'm not jumping in trying to do it all for her. It empowers her and keeps me from the co-dependent circle.
Maybe assess what your mother can reasonably do for herself and what she needs help with. Control and independence is everything. It benefits an elder and everyone in their life.
Elders are warriors and they can be difficult, but 90+ years will do that to you. Patience and setting boundaries will make your life easier. Older people should never be compared to children. They are anything but. They are more like aged veterans, who deserve our respect and support ( with boundaries. )
As for owing her your life just because she got it on with your dad and did not use protection, that was her choice, you don't have any irresponsibility for it.
How do you know her stroke wasn't real? It might have been.
If I seem harsh, it is because, you need the cold hard truth. I suggest you read "Co-Dependent No More" an excellent book on how to let go.
My mom's mad at me because I wouldn't bring her to an appointment, during a snow storm. So now she ask my brother, and won't tell me why she is going to the doctors. She expected me to be upset, about that. But thanks to this forum and things I learned from the book, I'm learning to not care and be glad I don't have to take her.
She lived with me for 4 months. I got her involved in activities some of the church members were doing. When she wanted to go shopping, I had to be honest and say we could go to 2 places and that was it. Of course, one of the places she wanted to go was a restaurant. She had no awareness of how much her condition was affecting us. She was in a wheelchair, incontinent and could not write any longer. Her voice was weak and most people couldn't understand her. I took her to an APPLE store and she got smartphone. They offered free classes. Texting became mothers lifeline.
I hope some of what I said gives you some ideas. Best of luck!!
My father wanted to be catered to and fussed over. I refused. Didn't mean he didn't stop trying to get me to do it. His mother DEMANDED to be catered to and she was exactly like your mother because her sons jumped when she snapped and they created a monster. They were terrified of making her mad. So she gets mad? What could she possibly do to them? If your mom gets mad, get up and go home. Let her get over it on her own. If she truly needs help have everyone get together and decided on what 1-2 chores they can manage for her...and that is it! No jumping because she demands something. She is this way because others have allowed her to get away with this behavior. If you can't change her, then just be less available to her.
The simple answer is: She is used to getting her own way because you / the family abide by her demands/instructions/desires. She wants what she wants when she wants it. (Why not, wouldn't we ALL want this) ? (Some of us more sensitive to others though).
The answer is:
[You = means each adult child]
Each adult child needs to SET BOUNDARIES and limits.
As you say: She is ruining my sister's life and now she is ruining one of my younger brother's Life by calling him all the time for stupid stuff. It's like she has absolutely no awareness or care for our own lives and how difficult they are.
* You need to realize that she ISN'T RUINING anything... each of you are allowing her to dictate how you behave.]
The key here though is that you need to understand what is running you to continue to do what she says. When she says jump, you say 'how high.'
This is 'automatic behavior' and likely developed over decades. . . . Whether responding out of fear, duty, guilt, you are all 'jumping like rabbits' to appease her.
She sounds like a narcissistic personality type.
Whether or not that is true, at her age, it doesn't really matter what her behavior is defined as, with the exception of UNDERSTANDING how / why she is how she is (not to mention having to raise six kids. That would 'harden' / change a mother's personality to survival mode.
The bottom line is you all do what you can to assist her while maintaining your own (healthy life-style).
* You understand she will 'rant, scream, have tantrums' when you all change your behavior as she is used to - for decades - getting what she wants.
She will not like this new behavior although you need to STAND FIRM.
- Consider your (each child) self-esteem. Do you feel confident in yourself? like / love yourself? Likely most / all of you have given your personal power away to your mother (the life-long dynamics / behavior responses).
- Changing how you think about yourself - and your mom - won't be easy as everyone is 'locked in' this relationship psychologically, emotionally, and every other way. STILL, if you (all) want a life, you need to do what is (1) in your best interest and (2) hers.
- Clearly tell her (and write it down, like an official contract) what you (all) will do and when.
- Do NOT waiver from what you say you will / will not do. (She, of course, will 'work' on each of you to wear you down. This is understandable. Gentle, assertively, calmly respond "This is what I am able to do for you (the what and when - time commitment ("12N-4pm, I will be there to help you with xxx").
Collectively, if she doesn't have any income for caregivers for a few hours a week or whatever is needed, pull your $ resources as a family. Mother will NOT want an outsider coming in. That doesn't matter. When you all work out a schedule of who does what and when (to help her), when there is a needed time slot needing care support, you bring someone in. Period. No discussion.
Lastly, never ever argue with your mother.
In her eyes, she is (and will always be) right.
Do (learn/practice to) offer reflective listening,
i.e., "I hear you saying XXX" and that's it.
You give her the schedule of care, discuss it, and tell her this is what we are doing. You smile, be calm, and act confidently. You do not argue with her. When she says ... I need ... I want ... you say, "I Hear you saying xxx" and respond accordingly AS BEST you can.
Realize that she will NEVER EVER be happy with these changes.
That isn't the point. The point is for you / the family to not burn out and to have a life. Boundary setting = self-respect and self-care. Do not continue to give your personal power away to your mother.
We all need to learn that we do that best we can and that's it.
Do not exhaust yourselves. Realize that if you are not able to take care of YOU, you are there to take care of HER.
Gena / Touch Matters
It is called Narcissist Personality Disorder. More here: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662#:~:text=Narcissistic%20personality%20disorder%20is%20a,about%20the%20feelings%20of%20others.
All folks have some level of narcissistic traits and behaviors. This is the self-centered self of a two year old child or of the adolescent teenager; but most grow up and out of this whereby it does not overtake them to expect or outright demand special treatment such as being weighted on hand and foot; or expecting adult children to do everything for them to the detriment of the adult child who may be 60+ still trying to get mom's unconditional love by saying "how high" to jump, when mom says jump.
These patterns can be prevalent in some households where one parent is this way, the other an enabler and the children frankly groomed/conditioned to do what ever the parent wants irrespective of how it may negatively impact the child/children when they are young and living at home. The patterns continue throughout the life of the narcissist parent with older adult children doing much of what you described well into their own later years. Dementia can certainly exacerbate the pattern as the older parent looses more an more of their abilities cognitively, physically and behaviorally (the later being their ability to manage their behaviors/emotions becoming more needy and demanding).
Sorry you are going through this. Others have mentioned boundaries, this is key. Perhaps a family meeting w/your siblings so all get on the same page to learn the word "NO" -- I am not doing X or Y now; I will come over for 1 hour and help with Z (something you might choose that is important) and make it clear to your LO that they will need to either work out other help to come in (a paid aid, a housekeeper, etc.) OR they will have to work out other living arrangements moving forward. AKA there has to be a hard STOP on the "doing everything for them!" As it is not feasible much less realistic for this pattern to be good for anyone.
Yes, they will pitch a total fit. Get used to it. But if you ever raised kids, and your 2-year old wanted candy for dinner I assume you said "NO" and did NOT give in because you as an adult knew what was best. You and your adult siblings know what is best now for your aging parent and that is NOT to sacrifice your life on the alter of their unrealistic demands NO MATTER HOW ANGRY they get.
I had to deal with a similar situation w/my mom and no siblings to help or hinder the situation. You may find working with a talented therapist to process and to work through this helpful. I have found that it took years to condition/groom me for this and 3 years into it (working with a therapist) I am healing, but it is NOT an easy or fast journey towards healing.
As adults we do NOT owe our parents whatever they want/demand; we can love them by helping them get the care they need if they are willing to take the necessary steps on their end. Or adult protective services can step in for those beyond taking or unable to accepting their own responsibility for their end of life lives. Parents do NOT OWN their children as property no matter what their age.
I hope you and your siblings can come together, to learn about this awful dynamic playing out in your family and to be able to set boundaries of what is reasonable help or assistance w/your parent.
Good luck on this journey as it is NOT a journey any of us wanted to go on.
You nailed it on the head. My father was a textbook case; a lifetime of NPD AND ASPD. The older they get, the worse it gets. I didn't escape the F.O.G. until my mother died. In fact, 64 years of marriage/stress, putting up with his emotional and verbal abuse, is what killed her (massive stroke.) He lived for 17 more months in ALF, but I was finally done. I went NC 2 months before the pandemic broke out until he finally passed at age 96.
Zero grief or guilt. I have since cut ties with both siblings who deserted me to deal with it all. Out of sight, out of mind.
"Blood is not thicker than peace of mind."
The way to get rid of it is to do what is called completely extinguishing the response. You have to NEVER take out the trash when she requests you do it. Ultimately, the behavior of asking you to take out the trash should go away, but if you give in one time, then the whole cycle is going to start over. This is very difficult to do, I know, but it should work. Because it's so difficult, I'm suggesting you just work on a few most bothersome behaviors at a time. I want to add that the behavioral principle works whether the person has dementia or is brilliant, and it works with people and with animals. You don't try to postulate what she's thinking, you look only at the behavior you can observe: asking you to take out the trash! BTW, if the trash piles up to an unacceptable amount while you are implementing this strategy, you can still get rid of the trash: just take it out yourself when she's paying attention to something else or isn't in the room. The critical part here is never to reinforce her when she *asks* you to take out the trash!
We do take out her trash, buy her groceries, feed her 10 stray cats every night - she lives 6 miles away. We try to catch and get the cats fixed and have taken care of 7 of them to be fixed.
She gets meals on wheels frzn dinners but not good enough for her.
Someone is there twice a day and we usually have to take her cooked food or fast food,,, if not she calls and calls and says she is starving.
He home is old and needs a lot of maintenance so she has so many 'needs' that she obsesses about.
Day by day.
At almost 90 years old , I suspect she may be struggling or just plain too tired physically and/or mentally to do some things . Whether she can do them or not , she still isn’t doing . There is likely some cognitive decline as well, where she just can’t figure out how to do some things . ( Electronics get more difficult for many as we age ) .
Does anyone have POA? Has Mom had any cognitive testing ?
Set boundaries as far as what you will do and how often you will do it , and what you won’t do . Tell her to hire an aide for bathing . You don’t have to do it because ‘she had 6 kids and worked her entire life ‘ . That was her decision . You don’t owe her bathing .
A very wise social worker from our County Area of Aging told me “ stop helping your mother , let her fail . This is how you get them to realize they need to accept ( hired ) help “. The social worker came out to evaluate ( spoke with ) my mother and determined that my mother could not live independently at home , it was not safe . Mom could not “ come up with a plan “ for certain hypothetical scenarios .
My mother could do her own pills also , so did my FIL , but they both had vascular dementia and couldn’t figure out how to do certain things although they could fool other people into thinking they were still competent . Their memories were good and could carry on intelligent conversations and seem sweet to others. With us they were demanding and could not be bothered to do things for themselves . In reality they just couldn’t figure out how to do some things , or mentally it was just too difficult . The bathing is a perfect example . To us it’s simple . To someone with dementia it’s too taxing . You have to get the water temp right , have a towel and soap ready , clean clothes laid out for when you finish . Do the actual showering , dry off , get dressed . To someone with dementia this is just too hard mentally .
The social worker was going to return with another person to remove my mother from her home and place her in assisted living facility that I chose . ( My mother had refused to tour at any) . My dumb sister told my aunt . My mother got wind of this from my aunt and faked a heart attack to avoid being removed from her home .
While in the hospital we told them what was going on and the social worker at the hospital called and spoke with the social worker that had come to the house to see my mother . The hospital did cognitive testing , diagnosed her dementia and determined she could not safely live alone in her house any longer and then she went straight to the facility( I had chosen ) from the hospital . We also had POA .
I hope one of your mothers children has POA , otherwise try to get Mom to a lawyer to draw it up before cognitive testing is done . If not , it’s expensive to get guardianship later . The other option is if you don’t want POA you let the state or county appoint their own guardian when the time comes . The family would have no say or control over anything as far as Moms care though .
Let your mom fake something to get into the hospital and then tell them what’s going on , they can do cognitive testing there to determine if she needs to go to a facility . Tell them you can not take care of her anymore . Good luck .
The rehab sent in her medicaid and I think they did it wrong. We havent been able to fix it. My sister spent two days on the phone trying to find out what info medicaid used to decide spend down etc.... my mom doesnt have 467.00 to send medicaid each month even with my sister and I assisting her financially each month.
I just never expected my mother to become so terrible picky and needy.
I guess the only solution is to get online and read everything i can on medicaid which Ive started......
As for "helping out" your mom. Talk with your spouse and other siblings about what each of you are capable and willing to do for your mom... and how frequently. Most seniors do need help as they age. Many seniors also suffer from loneliness and depression. A combination of these desires are probably behind her troublesome actions. She may also feel that she worked so hard to raise you and your siblings that she now deserves to be treated - through your hard work for her. Unfortunately, her attitude and demands are actually driving you further from her. Consider if she needs more companionship - then get lots of different people (family, her friends, members of faith community, volunteers) to take turns visiting her most days of the week. If she needs "help", decide on which are emergencies, which are necessary, and which are actually wants (not needs). Maybe each sibling will be on call a different day for emergencies. Maybe schedule days and times for necessary work. Ask who wants/able to accommodate desires/wants but remind mom that these are requests and may not be fulfilled.
Having said that, I can only speak from my own experience and perspective when it comes to wanting to be "waited on".
Here goes:
Life is a circle. We're born knowing nothing and rely on our parents to teach us how to walk, talk, run, reason, and gain understanding of the world we live in. If we're lucky enough to have parents that give us shelter, food, clothing and warmth, even better. I do get though why you're resentful per growing up with her treatment of you. This may be a situation to apply for Medicaid/care for her.
But we live our lives WHILE we continue to age, and most of the time we decline physically, mentally, and EMOTIONALLY. Seniors often return to manipulation to gain sympathy and love/support, just like a child would.
It does no good to grow resentful over this. However, I see it alot with people who have a thin skin and no patience to deal with what you describe. From the view of my tree branch, it would seem helpful to you if you ignore the faux need for attention and just give her some TLC. I have found a little goes a long way.
My parent used to not answer the phone to see how fast I'd jump in the car to get to the house. Once I caught on, I just didn't do it anymore - but that's when I realized that it was a cry for attention. So I replaced that behavior of said parent with a "schedule" so that my parent knew what to expect from us and WHEN. That helped a great deal so that we COULD have a life.
I think you have to be a little bit more open to your mother's age and her possible fears. Sometimes the aging senior who makes it as far as your mother has, needs to reconcile with what comes next for them. Mine is currently wrestling with a spiritual quandary in worrying about getting someone from the church to come and visit to minister. And it's a real fear that's being expressed.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect, but I sure try and give as much understanding, repetition, and consistency as possible. It keeps the anxiety levels down. Your mother seems to need some of the aforementioned.
Some things for you to think about.
It is a horrible feeling to resent someone so old. I dont mind that she doesnt appreciate all that is being done for her.
Or taking her to lots of doctor appts.
I just hate the nonstop negativity and complaints and phone calls.
Even if she were in a nursing home shed still be complaining and needing us to bring coffee and food everyday.
Oh well, it will work out.
I suspect that your mom isn’t doing as well as you think she is.
If she does need guidance, then guide her into the right direction, then move along and live your own lives.
Wishing you and your family all the best.
I think you are right, need.
Your mother may need to enter care.
If there is no money she will apply for Medicaid.
I think that you are currently too overwhelmed to continue to her her caregiver.
I wish you the best.
I hope you will update us as you move toward placement.
I am currently reading Mother Lode. I recommend the book. You will see yourself, albeit with some humor peppered in liberally. Woman moved back home to the PNW to care for her Mom in her 90s. Yup, can't see much and can't hear much and a bit wobbly to be certain. There are conversations that will make your heart hurt, and some that will make you laugh out loud.
Best to you SoAlone. You AREN'T alone and Gretchen Steabler's book will let you know that (free on Kindle unlimited or cheap on Amazon.)
Very good suggestion, Alva for you to recommend this book.
Educating herself and knowing that others are going through the same scenario can be quite enlightening.
You do what you want and no more. I would call her a Narcissist.
I would check that Medicaid income cap. My State allows $2300 the last time I looked it up. Some States seem to have some kind of formula they use. Talk to a Medicaid caseworker.
Obviously having adult offspring as servants is not going to work for the offspring.. but behind the manipulation & expectactions may lie lonliness, anxiety, fear.
These are valid feelings.
Maybe the offspring will need to skill up their manipulation? To manoeuvre more non-family helpers for Mother.
Your siblings are adults.
They can choose to answer their phones ar all hours & put in silent mode. They can choose to do all odd jobs, or be busy. They can choose to be hounded & feel powerless or take back their power - have an honest chat with Mother about her care needs vs what they can offer.
If mom could fake a stroke well enough for Medicare to pay for rehab and a private room, she deserves an Academy Award. As for your passing it off as a panic attack, maybe you get a Pulitzer Prize for fiction.
How are you qualified to diagnose a panic attack that medical professionals must have diagnosed as a stroke? Why would you want to?
I don’t doubt that mom thrives on attention. But what variety of denial causes a daughter to gloss over a mom’s apparently real illness? If she had a stroke, that could be causing cognitive issues and a lot of other things. Perhaps she needs more rehab. Certainly she should have a cognitive assessment.
I wish you luck in dealing with this.
The fact is, mother does NOT own you children nor is she entitled to have you waiting on her hand and foot. Decide what you and your siblings will and will not do for mom, and set up a schedule of when it will be done and by whom. When the duty call is finished, so are you. Just bc she expects things to be done for her in a certain way does not mean it must play out that way. I'd like filet mignon and lobster tail every night for dinner but reality says otherwise. It's time you give mother a reality check now by setting down some firm boundaries you DO NOT VEER FROM FOR ANY REASON.
Good luck.