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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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I feel for you. My mother was an odd mix of “You made me get old. You ruined my life. You never understood me.” and “If you don’t leave your family to be by my side 24/7, I’ll kill myself.”
Are you her caregiver? Do you live with her? Is she cognitively ok or does she have dementia? Has she always been nasty? Do you have POA?
If she is of sound mind, distance yourself from her. Teach her how to treat you. If she wishes you were never born, logic follows that she wishes you weren’t there.
If she has dementia, start investigating care. You, like me and several others on this site, may be a rage trigger. I pop in to check on my mother (99, dementia, care home) once a month. If she identifies me she either orders me to leave or yells at me. Now she is kicking, biting and hitting the staff when she’s angry.
If you are caring for her because you hope that, one day, she’ll realize how much she loves you and she’ll express appreciation, walk away. That day will never come. Which is a terribly difficult realization that has crushed many spirits. Do not sacrifice yourself on the altar of her misery.
Bev I'm curious, do you live with your mom, are you her main caregiver?
Often the main caregiver gets the worst of the nastiness.
I suspect if your moms 90 then she most likely has some cognitive decline going on.
You could read up on dementia see if you notice anything that resembles your mom. Teepa Snow on YouTube, or read the book, The 36 hour day.
And what about her health conditions?
Growing old is no fun, constant pains and aches . That may be making her negative also
If you are her caregiver, as it sounds like you are from , saying your exhausted. Maybe it's time to look for different alternatives for your moms care.
I can truly understand how much her saying those things hurt. And you don't have to put up with it.
Let us know more info when you can, so we can answer you better
That's sad, but she's probably going to keep on with it. Remove yourself from her presence when she starts up. If you don't respond, she won't be encouraged to go on and on and on.
And, if you're up to it, next time she starts with the wishing you'd never been born, look her straight in the eye and tell her, "SO DO I." Then walk out and let her stew. There are variations on this theme. "So do I, Mom, because then someone else would be changing your diapers." Or "So do I, Mom, because you're making my life a living hell." Or "So do I, Mom, because I'm exhausted. Tomorrow I'm going to find you a new place to live." And then you do it.
There's this thing called enmeshment where two people get their lives all tangled up, and despite the misery of that, neither can survive without pushing the other's buttons. It's not a healthy way to live. Do you think it could be like that for you and mom?
I’d just tell her, dementia or not, that you’ll exit her life as if you’d never been born. If she still has property she can lose it to some charity, or to those cyber scammers, or a Nigerian “boyfriend” or to illegals who’ll be happy to move in and take over. If there’s no money to cremate her then the county will pay and dispose of her ashes in a landfill.
Dementia or not , some parents either were always abusive and it becomes worse as they age , or they become abusive.
It’s time to put on your shield .
If Mom has no dementia , competent , tell her she needs to find someone else to help her .
If she has dementia , place her in a facility . The staff will ignore her rudeness and name calling and chalk it up to a crazy old lady .
You should not be the person taking care of her.
When my lifelong NPD abusive mother didh’t get her way , she would say “ If I knew my kids would turn out so rotten , I wouldn’t have bothered having any . I wasted my time “. She was never happy .
Your Mom is going to be who she is no matter what . Save yourself . Don’t live with her .
This could escalate if your Mom is manipulative like my mother was to get her way. She will call family and the police with lies . Happened to me . Get out of Dodge .
If you visit her at a facility , visit in the common area sitting room , or at a minimum always leave her door open if you are in her room.
When she starts her nonsense , you leave , tell her you’ll be back when she’s in a better mood . Limit number of visits and keep them short .
Decide today you have more value and worth than to be treated this way. Arrange for others to care for your mother if there’s dementia, if there’s not, let her figure out the help she needs. Always know you matter and no one deserves hateful behavior. Your mom isn’t changing, but you certainly can. I wish your healing and peace
Start looking for a place that will meet her needs. Either Assisted Living or Memory Care. There is no way I would care for someone that says they hate me and they wish I was never born. I get it if mom has dementia BUT I still could not care for someone for any length of time that said that, Eventually I would feel deep resentment and I would not be able to care for the person the way I should. And that would make me feel even worse.
You do not indicate what problems your mom has, (Please fill out your profile or add to what you have said in your post) If mom can be placed in a facility that can meet her needs and pay for it, great. If not then you will have to begin the application process for Medicaid. Contact your local Senior Service Center or Area Agency on Aging and have a "Needs Assessment" done to see what she would qualify for.
You asked..."What to do?" Well you can start by walking away and leaving your miserable mother to herself. You owe her NOTHING!!!! And since you've not given us much to go on(you know we're not mind readers here right?)as far as what your mother's issues are and if you are a hands on caregiver, and why exactly you're exhausted, so you leave us to have to fill in the lines, which really isn't fair, so all I can tell you with the little info you've supplied is to just stop the insanity today. Walk away, or better yet, run away and never go back. You deserve SO much better, but sadly I don't think you yet realize that you do.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Are you her caregiver?
Do you live with her?
Is she cognitively ok or does she have dementia?
Has she always been nasty?
Do you have POA?
If she is of sound mind, distance yourself from her. Teach her how to treat you. If she wishes you were never born, logic follows that she wishes you weren’t there.
If she has dementia, start investigating care. You, like me and several others on this site, may be a rage trigger. I pop in to check on my mother (99, dementia, care home) once a month. If she identifies me she either orders me to leave or yells at me. Now she is kicking, biting and hitting the staff when she’s angry.
If you are caring for her because you hope that, one day, she’ll realize how much she loves you and she’ll express appreciation, walk away. That day will never come. Which is a terribly difficult realization that has crushed many spirits. Do not sacrifice yourself on the altar of her misery.
Often the main caregiver gets the worst of the nastiness.
I suspect if your moms 90 then she most likely has some cognitive decline going on.
You could read up on dementia see if you notice anything that resembles your mom. Teepa Snow on YouTube, or read the book, The 36 hour day.
And what about her health conditions?
Growing old is no fun, constant pains and aches . That may be making her negative also
If you are her caregiver, as it sounds like you are from , saying your exhausted. Maybe it's time to look for different alternatives for your moms care.
I can truly understand how much her saying those things hurt. And you don't have to put up with it.
Let us know more info when you can, so we can answer you better
And, if you're up to it, next time she starts with the wishing you'd never been born, look her straight in the eye and tell her, "SO DO I." Then walk out and let her stew. There are variations on this theme. "So do I, Mom, because then someone else would be changing your diapers." Or "So do I, Mom, because you're making my life a living hell." Or "So do I, Mom, because I'm exhausted. Tomorrow I'm going to find you a new place to live." And then you do it.
There's this thing called enmeshment where two people get their lives all tangled up, and despite the misery of that, neither can survive without pushing the other's buttons. It's not a healthy way to live. Do you think it could be like that for you and mom?
It’s time to put on your shield .
If Mom has no dementia , competent , tell her she needs to find someone else to help her .
If she has dementia , place her in a facility . The staff will ignore her rudeness and name calling and chalk it up to a crazy old lady .
You should not be the person taking care of her.
When my lifelong NPD abusive mother didh’t get her way , she would say “ If I knew my kids would turn out so rotten , I wouldn’t have bothered having any . I wasted my time “. She was never happy .
Your Mom is going to be who she is no matter what . Save yourself . Don’t live with her .
This could escalate if your Mom is manipulative like my mother was to get her way. She will call family and the police with lies . Happened to me . Get out of Dodge .
If you visit her at a facility , visit in the common area sitting room , or at a minimum always leave her door open if you are in her room.
When she starts her nonsense , you leave , tell her you’ll be back when she’s in a better mood . Limit number of visits and keep them short .
There is no way I would care for someone that says they hate me and they wish I was never born.
I get it if mom has dementia BUT I still could not care for someone for any length of time that said that, Eventually I would feel deep resentment and I would not be able to care for the person the way I should. And that would make me feel even worse.
You do not indicate what problems your mom has, (Please fill out your profile or add to what you have said in your post)
If mom can be placed in a facility that can meet her needs and pay for it, great. If not then you will have to begin the application process for Medicaid.
Contact your local Senior Service Center or Area Agency on Aging and have a "Needs Assessment" done to see what she would qualify for.
You owe her NOTHING!!!!
And since you've not given us much to go on(you know we're not mind readers here right?)as far as what your mother's issues are and if you are a hands on caregiver, and why exactly you're exhausted, so you leave us to have to fill in the lines, which really isn't fair, so all I can tell you with the little info you've supplied is to just stop the insanity today.
Walk away, or better yet, run away and never go back.
You deserve SO much better, but sadly I don't think you yet realize that you do.