I am her sole care taker. I take her to all her doctor appointments, dentist, and I take her out on little outings. She pitches in for gas but I still feel that she needs to contribute more. My mother's social security is minimal but I feel that $9.50 a day is not right. Am I wrong?
Consider how much her share of the family budget is "hers".
Consider that mom should have a little "fun money" to do with as she wishes.
There is a reasonable amount, but need more details to comment further.
If y'all just came up with an amount for rent (not based on needing to report that expense), how and why did you arrive at that particular amount?
For the possibility of needing Medicaid for a NH bed in the future, you might be better off to forget about calling it rent in your home (f there 's no reason to call it rent). Let her pay one of the utilities directly from her account. Then use her money to pay whatever expenses she has that are not shared with the rest of you. Like Rx drugs, personal items. Sort out a portion of the food when you shop and let it be her expense. Use her debit card to pay for these things and keep the receipts. Then her money is easily seen to be spent for her.
Did she live anywhere else prior to your house? How much did it cost her each month for just the utils, groceries and other odds and ends? Kind of base her expenses on that. There is no real reason for her to be in a better financial position now and saving up money because it would have to be spent down anyway in order to get into a NH if that happens.
Something to consider is that many AL facilities do not accept Medicaid waivers, only nursing homes are required by law to accept Medicaid patients and even then only a small portion of their beds. ALS in Ohio usually require a person to be a resident for 2 years before they might accept Medicaid. And then they might be moved into a smaller or shared room. So you might start looking at facilities now and discussing payment options with them.
It wasn't money grabbing and if he hadn't really had the funds, we wouldn't have asked a penny. The contribution towards the household avoided unnecessary angst with spouses who were in-laws as well.
On the other hand children have no obligation to support the parents. As adults we should all prepare for our future age decline. I, for example have no children - no one to fall back on - its all on me. I assist my mother - not financially - I am her advocate to make sure her needs are met - I handle her finances and up until COVID her medical appointments. My parents and mom's sister who lived locally took care of Grandma (grandma & grandpa were always poor and didn't have much - but they were honest, kind and hardworking)- made sure her needs were met - I doubt any of them provided Grandma with much financial help, especially while us children were young.
Making sure our parents have their needs met should be an act of love of a child for their parent - maybe honoring (if not love) them - whether they were good, bad, or indifferent - and I'm surprised by the amount of caregivers of not so great parents. I grew up in a dysfunctional family - but at least my parents (dad while he was still alive) are appreciative of what I do for them. I don't do it for their appreciation - although being appreciated does make the job more pleasant and easier - even when everyone is in a not so great mood.
It would be nice if all of us who care, in one way or another, had endless mounds of cash and could lavish the best of everything on our parents - but that isn't the way it is - and todays caregivers are going to need care themselves and if they spend all they have supporting their parents - then today's care giving children are going to be reliant on someone else for their needs.
Haven't seen you on this site before--but one thing we DON'T need is someone who is going to try to guilt all of us who are CG for nothing, or for literal PENNIES on the premise that our parents did everything for us and we owe them nothing.
For many of us that is NOT true and the pain of still having to CG for a parent who was absent, vacant and even abusive AND not being paid or reimbursed just grinds that pain deeper.
I doubt mom is 'hanging on' to her money to leave her. She needs the money NOW. $9.50 doesn't cover the cost of 3 gallons of gas!
My mom does not pay my YB a cent for living with him for the last 26 years, rent free--and yesterday she gave the Sr. Center a check for $1000 because their funds have been cut. Brother depserately needs to fix his car and can't afford to. Mother complains that he hauls her around in a total junker--and he does, b/c his decent car needs work he can't afford.
Please be aware we are already beating ourselves up over doing the best we can as CG's and then being treated like slaves doesn't help. You have your POV and that's fine. Making this poor OP feel like she's greedy DOES NOT HELP.
It’s very interesting because parents usually teach their children to be responsible with money.
Parents didn’t want us to feel entitled when we were children, so why should they be entitled as elderly adults. It becomes tricky because our emotions get in the way. It was their responsibility to care for any children they brought into the world. We can and should be grateful for parents who cared for us but we don’t owe them a huge debt when they get old.
Sometimes children tell themselves that they must assume responsibility for their elderly parents in all ways. Paying for all of a parent’s needs may place a financial strain on the adult children. In reality, it’s not about how much money is available to provide for your parents at the time, you also have to plan for your own future.
Was your mom a woman whose husband took care of all financial matters and therefore she has no idea of what things cost in 2021? Or does she save every penny for a rainy day? Older people who have lived through the depression find it difficult to spend money.
Discuss the situation with her. Look at her financial situation and make a budget accordingly. Give her an amount that you feel is reasonable for her to pay for living expenses in your home.
See an elder attorney to see what is the best way to proceed properly. Keep all documentation of her spending regarding her payments to you for necessary living expenses.
Best wishes to you and your family.
You are not wrong to think $9.50 a day is nowhere near enough for what you provide for your mother.
How is that money fair for 24/7 caregiving services, room and board in your home, socialization, and companion service to take her to dr's appointments? It's not and you should not feel at all guilty about expecting her to pay more.
If she went into a nursing home or AL facility, she'd be paying every cent she has over to them. Tell her this.
That's your choice to refuse your father's money. He offers to pay because he doesn't want to be an entitled freeloader who thinks his kids are supposed to become unpaid servants to him in his old age.
I don't know your father, but I'm going to guess that he's a pretty good guy and a good dad to you and your brother.
and
"I am taking care of my mom who can be defiant, stubborn, lies, and lies. She forgets a lot but sometimes it might be a manipulation trait."
I think you are doing a LOT more than just being her chauffeur, yes? What is involved in taking care of her? And what is the toll it is taking on your physical/mental/emotional health and your marriage?
Grandma1954: ".she should also be paying you as her caregiver. (Minimum would be $20.00 an hour)"
YES! What about all of your TIME?! Do you have siblings? What is their involvement? Are you POA/HCPOA?
And what is the plan for when your mother declines further? At what point will you take your life back and let a facility take care of her?
I know you just asked about her contribution to household expenses, but I'm sure that is just the tip of the iceberg Am I right?
Your profile says she has a Dementia. If so, going to be hard to have her sign a contract but that is what you need. Medicaid needs proof that her money is going towards her care.
If yes, she should be contributing to the household bills monthly, as well as buying the items that are specifically for her, like depends.
If no, well, you have to decide if you can continue to pick up the slack financially.
Yes, $9.50 a day is flat out ridiculous and you're not wrong. Mother needs to cough up her fair share of living expenses or look into Medicaid to have her placed in Skilled Nursing.
If she has dementia she can not be handling day to day tasks.
She should be paying a portion of all the household expenses.
If there are 3 of you in the house 1/3 of the expenses would be fair.
You can charge her the legal IRS limit for transportation charges as well.
If she balks at that start doing tours of Memory Care facilities if she is aware enough of how finances are she will see that $9.50 a day is 😉slightly under the going rate.
oh....she should also be paying you as her caregiver. (Minimum would be $20.00 an hour)