Ever since my dad passed away in 2004, my mother depends on me to go holidays and take her out, i expected her to meet new friends but she didn’t, and doesn’t want to, I have tried to introduce her to social clubs etc, but she is not interested, she has made the assumption that I am happy with her hijacking my life , I have explained to her that I am not her companion and want to do my own thing, but she just ignores me.
When I have taken the plunge and went off on my own travels. She has made me feel guilty, it makes me feel upset that she doesn’t think of my needs , anyone else have this issue?
She is 88 and has sharp mind, I am 60 , and single
Going on your travels and not allowing your mother to hijack your life aren't reasons for you to have guilt. You're not doing wrong and not hurting anyone. Not meeting all of your mother's socialization needs on the terms she sets for you, is not being hurtful to her. Keep doing what you want to do and if your mother doesn't like it, oh well too bad.
I don't think at 88 she will be joining any social clubs or making any friends. Maybe you could try to get her to join her town's senior center if there is one, but it's probably not likely she'd be interested in that either.
The last hope is maybe a paid companion. They're hired help who takes the senior to appointments, running errands, and social outings. They even do housekeeping and meal prep. Tell your mother you're hiring a person to help her around the house and with shopping and other errands. The right person knows not to call themselves 'companions' when dealing with seniors like your mom. I did this kind of work for a long time. At first the elder doesn't want anyone in their house because they think they're just fine. I'd start with taking someone to their doctor's appointment. Or to the store. Then it would be lunches out a couples times a week, going to the movies, and even taking a few to join the senior center in the towns they were from. The hard part is getting the elder to try something. Start looking for a paid companion for your mother. This might work for her too.
What you did was fine, and I would say necessary for your health.
Your mother has had you as her social director for almost 20 years, and made no attempt to build outside relationships. Perhaps she's an introvert, happy with just a few close connections. Perhaps she is unable to let go of a dynamic that has worked so well for her. Our mothers are close in age. Your mother may see it as your duty to care for her social needs.
I was struck by your saying ''she has made me feel guilty''. This is correct-you cannot control your mother's reactions, but you can control how you let them affect you. You made an effort to provide your mother with alternatives, and she has not suggested what she would like. Think about what you need to do to limit the impact of how her reactions make you feel guilty. You reasonably need some breathing space, and want to do some things that interest you.
I really could not leave either of my parents to their own devices on a major holiday. My Dad loved Christmas and Thanksgiving. Both holidays were a big thing for my parents. If you have plans for the holiday, maybe do lunch or dinner the day before or after.
Was Mom social before Widowhood? If not, she won't be after but that really isn't your problem. You are entitled to a life of your own. Maybe make a day for Mom. Thats what I did for my Mom. We picked a day to grocery shop, run errands and have lunch.
Your Mom is 88. Going to be hard to change her now. I hope ur not living together. If not living together, don't ever. Then your life will not be your own. Your Mom has chosen not to find a life of her own. That is not your fault. Seems like u have been telling her you can't be her everything for a while. If you have the opportunity to do something on your own, do it. Don't tell her until the last minute if possible. Her ignoring you is her problem. She choses not to listen. Not ur fault.
If she has money, why not consider an Assisted Living. She will have Socialization and activities. The companion thing sounds good but you should not pay for it if Mom has money.
thank you
So keep living your life the way you see fit, and don't let your mother make you feel guilty for enjoying your life. It's only because she is jealous that you are able to go and do and she is not anymore.
Please quit enabling your mother, and get on with enjoying your life and singlehood.
Your mom’s lack of a social life is not your fault. She is an adult, and is able to make her own decisions. I would take some time and figure out what boundaries you feel comfortable with. I try to FaceTime my mom once a day so she sees someone, for instance, and I just set the boundary of staying at a hotel for the holidays. It’s tough, but know that you’ll probably never “satisfy” her need for attention, and what you do will never be seen as enough. We are here, we’ve been/are going through it, so know that you’re not alone. Hugs to you.
My SIL was not at all pleased by this and said to my MIL, "well that's fine but you will need to develop a life of your own". My MIL found this a hilarious statement, laughed like a hyena at it and often mocked my SIL for saying that, and repeated the story many times. We all knew then it would be some straight up hell for Sis and boy was it ever.
We felt sad and powerless to do much but to try to support my SIL as much as we could but MIL was so much farther away from the rest that getting there more often wasn't feasible so the burden fell to my SIL. But she did, through a cargiver group at her church learn to lay down some boundaries which of course were met with guilt and contempt. It was really hard for SIL to do what you are doing, taking the plunge and traveling, etc. But she learned to live with mom's endless disapproval, unhappines and guilt making comments. It was really hard but for her own sanity and well being she just had to let it go. Letting it go is way easier said than done and it especially hurts coming from a parent. You are not responsible for her happiness and entertainement. Keep doing what you are doing for yourself!
No one appointed you the social director. You took on the role, so after almost 20 years it isn't really fair for you to expect her to suddenly change the way things are done simply because you say so. Still, that's what needs to happen, so I suggest compromise instead. You get to travel on your own, but you might also take a weekend trip here and there with her.
Your time is your own, so set some boundaries, stick to them, and follow her example by ignoring what you don't want to hear.
You are giving her power. She tries to guilt trip you AFTER a trip, “Aw, Mom. I’m sorry you feel that way.” Best non-apology ever.
My parents moved in with me and hubby 6 years ago. They were supposed to travel, etc. Dad died less than a year after they moved in. That was NOT in the plan! Life is always throwing curveballs at us, isn't it? I pushed and prodded mom to get involved in things. Nope. Oh she joined the book club which was once a month. And a ladies group that also met once a month. That's IT. She relies on me and my kids and grandkids for her social life. I made a big mistake by allowing it. Now that I have grandkids I'm too busy to be her playmate anymore. And hanging out with her has become harder and harder as her mental condition has slowly but steadily declined. Conversation is so boring to be painful.
My next step is to give my mom some choices. She's going to need to pick some things. Assisted living. Or a home health aid to hang out with her. Or get a ride to senior day care.
She will not like these options but she's going to have to choose one.