I keep thinking that if I had her living with me she would not have been in the care home and later the hospital to then be neglected in care. She was my best friend, I let her down. I didn't think I could cope full time with her anxiety. I was a coward not to try. I thought if she came and it didn't work out it would be hard to ask her to leave. She died asking me to put a knife in her as she couldn't take any more pain from her twisted bowel. As I said I wrote about it here previously. Now all I think of is she died with a broken heart feeling unwanted and unloved. That is even worse than her physical pain. Every time I saw her she asked why didn't you want me, I would have taken you into my home in a heartbeat.
We were like sisters and best friends. I had no brothers or sisters. I can't forgive myself.
There are two G words we often mix up. One is guilt and the other is grief. Unless you are an evil felon who caused and took great joy in your mother's illness and pain, the word guilt is not for you. The word you want is grief. You are grieving. You could not have prevented a twisted bowel and an obstruction; you aren't god and you aren't a Saint. You are a human being who witnessed the torment of one you loved dying in pain.
Now your Mom's suffering is over. There is no going back. As the Mortician and essayist/poet Thomas Lynch says "The dead DON'T CARE". For them it is over. What honor do you do your poor Mom to call yourself names? How can this help her or help what you went through, what she went through.
Please consider grief counseling to help yourself on with a quality life. Your not "forgiving yourself" infers that you were god and could have changed this. It is grandiose thinking. I am so sorry that you are so stuck in all of this pain. You could not help your Mom, but you CAN help yourself. I wish you great luck, and am so sorry that you continue to have such a dreadful time with your grief when you should now be celebrating the life of your Mom, and the great love you two shared. Please get help. It is so hard to have these last images stuck in our heads and our brain tends to create a habitual path we walk over and over and over until it deepens and draws us. Get help. Please. And again, I remember your first postings to us. I am so sorry that the medical system let you down so badly. THEY are the ones who should be feeling guilt, because they were the ones who had power to change what happened and the way it happened.
It is the fault of EVERY medical professional that allowed her pain to reach such a level that she could not bear it.
That is not just unethical but inhumane.
You had very valid reasons not to have her in your home where you may or may not have been able to care for her.
Your mom would not have wanted you to continue to think this was/is your fault.
((hugs))
But, how on earth, in your 70s and in ill health yourself do you imagine that you would have given your mother better care than she got?
She had lifelong depression and anxiety. She ALWAYS looked at the negative side of things. She thought she was "no trouble" when in fact she needed care.
Twisted bowls are not easy to diagnose. I am glad that your mom was gotten to the hospital, but I am sorry that they were not abke to relieve her pain adequately.
Do you imagine that you would have been able to diagnose her condition better?
say irrational things. Your mum loved you dearly, she doesn't want you to dwell on those last days.
If mum didn't survive in a hospital, there's no way you could have saved her.
BUT!
It was NOT your fault and you did what you felt was best at the time.
Please don't let the last few days of mom's life color the entirety of her being your mom.
I truly believe people, after they've passed, are immediately out of pain and misery that is this life. AND I believe that they have the capacity to forgive anything you've done, or perceived you've done.
Bless you as you naviagte these new waters. You can seek some help to deal with the sorrow and guilt, but you didn't CAUSE your mom to suffer. Nothing about which to feel guilty.
(Hugs))
To think you could have prevented this or picked in up while in a home setting, without x-ray or CT scan is not believable. It is grief, anger, denial & wishful thinking.
Speaking to a grief counselor may help accept your loss & find ways to connect to happier memories of your beloved Mother.
I know all you say. But there were so many mistakes made. All I hoped was she died in peace feeling loved by me but it didnt happen. X
Your mom's death was heartbreaking, tragic, unavoidable and for now, inconsolable for you. But her death does not define you. I wish you the strength to overcome your negative emotions and the courage to seek counseling.