She is very depressed and refuses to take antidepressants but takes Clonazepam daily. She is a capable woman but She has extreme anxiety and she is now paranoid no one likes her. She has always been a very narcissist person and mother and cantankerous. She has Macular Degeneration in both eyes and can't read numbers. This understandably frustrates her. My brother stays with 5 weeks at the time and then goes to see his family for 2 weeks during which she makes our lives a misery by calling 2-3 times a day angry that she is alone. She has alieneted herself from his wife and son because of her temper and tongue . I am too far away but I travel every 4 months and stay for 4 weeks to see her but I have not been for 7 months due to being unwell.
She really really guilt trips me. I suffer from depression and on medication because of her making me feel so bad. I am married with 2 grown up boys . I really feel sad that she is suffering so much but I feel so mentally unwell myself. I am going soon to see her. But what can I do ? My kids need me here as well and my husband too.
Some of the diazepams used for anxiety can actually cause depression, and it is likely that your mum should discuss current feelings and medications she is taking now with her doctor.
Remember, not everything can be fixed. Some things just have to be lived with the best you can.
That's all and that's it. They need you, and your mother is an overentitled narcissist.
You and brother are coddling her unnecessarily. Plenty of people in their eighties who have health problems are capable of living alone.
Good luck, I hope you disentangle yourself and stay well.
I'd cancel my trip entirely if I were you. Where is it written you will travel overseas every 4 months to visit this woman for 4 week stints?? Which still isn't good enough and creates constant complaining! She's also got your brother jumping thru fiery hoops for no good reason, since all she does is complain about what she's NOT getting.
Both of you need to try GIVING her nothing for the next 6 months, including all these whining phone calls, so she can finally SEE what "being lonely" feels like. She's like the 600 lb woman who's "never hungry" because she's constantly eating food during her waking hours, worrying about what her next meal will be. The way she learns to feel true hunger is to have no food at ALL to eat for a few days.
When will you have had enough with all of this? Hopefully not when YOU wind up dying before SHE does from all this stress she's caused you, on purpose, in order to be waited on hand and foot.
Your mother's misery is of her OWN MAKING. Macular degeneration is not earth shattering, my mother had it for years. And paranoia/depression/anxiety is EASILY addressed and manageable with meds, as she is fully aware of. But w/o that crutch as her excuse to complain, what grounds would she have for demanding 24/7 attention? I could see if she was in terrible pain from cancer or needing life saving surgery! But shes just bored and selfish, turning it into YOUR health issue now. Please see a therapist who can help you disentangle yourself from this toxic situation and help you set firm boundaries down.
I know this has been an ongoing issue for you for quite a long time now. Please wake up before it's too late. Live your OWN life and let your angry, entitled mother live HERS.
Thanks again for replying and SO good to hear from you.
I have had many counselling and have read endless books on self help etc...I was even contemplating going to a monestry to find PEACE....( I am sure my mum will still find a way of contacting me there ! ) you name it I have done to find a way of distangling myself from this web of GUILT that is eating me alive and it is caused by my mum I KNOW I have done NOTHING to feel guilty about but why can't I feel free ? ...just as I think I have found a way or maybe something is working , she finds another way to get to me and to my brother ...
I feel I AM dying inside.
Its as she has hypnotised me ...
Its awful ...just awful ...But talking here DOES help ...I feel safer talking here ....
So brother actually lives with Mom because he and wife are separated and just visits with them.
My opinion. You were raised by a narcissistic person. You were taught from a young age that Mom was the center of your universe. You were groomed. I think ur culture may have something to do with it to. If Mom is not willing to help herself, there is nothing more you can do. If going to see your Mom is causing a financial problem for you or not being able to go on vacation, then stop going. Quitting your job so you could visit should not have happened. And then to spend a month there putting up with her abuse...at your age you should not be putting up with this. Your life is not your mothers, its you family's. You live 4000 miles away for a reason.
I think its time you see a therapist who can give you the tools to deal with Mom. Its going to be hard now she is in her 80s but you are a Senior too. Start cutting back on visits. Once a year for a couple of weeks. 2x a year at the most for 2 weeks. When she complains you don't visit enough tell her the stress of traveling is getting too much for you. Maybe be upfront and tell her she is stressing you out. Those calls, you need to be firm with Mom. "Sorry, I live 4000 miles away so I can not do anything about your loneliness. And calling me 3x a day does not mean I am going to jump on a plane to come there. This has to stop, you are stressing me out for something I am not responsible for. I have not lived in your country for 40 yrs. In that time you should have a circle of friends to do things with. If you don't, thats not mine or brothers fault. These calls have to stop. If you can't call and have a nice conversation with me, don't call. I will call you once a week and if you are negative in any way, I will hang up." You can do this by not letting your voice fluctuate, keep it on an even keel and be firm. This is not going to happen. My husband gets his point across this way. His voice never rises, it just stays on an even keel.
You need to set boundaries for you. She will try to cross them, but you need to stand firm. She is not your life, she is now only a small part of it. May want to read Boundries by Townsend and Cloud.
Thanks for replying.
She did made sure she was the centre of our lives.
I am really scared of her and the way she makes me feel .
She is very verbally abusive, nasty and insulting and belittling to us both.
It was my parents choice that I lived here since 16 ...
why can't I feel free ? ..I WANT to
I NEED to ...
People are so darned worried about addiction in the very elderly, but I sure wish my mom had been prescribed something stronger than plain Tylenol for her pain. I know she would have been more physically active/happier if she had felt better.
You are in control of your relationship with her and if visiting so much is not 'good' for either of you, then cut back to phone calls, or FaceTime calls.
It's not the worst thing in the world if you are not actually present when she dies, if she is in that stage of the 'game'. You need to self protect. I know I never really learned how to do that. A couple of my kids are supremely irritated by me and I know it, watching them pull away and be very 'boundary' sensitive with me has taught me a lot. I couldn't be that mean to mom--I wasn't mentally healthy enough.
MANY MANY years of therapy behind me. Time to start up again, now mom is gone.
Mine is local & I visit about once a month. She varies between feeling ok & some depression. I suggested she talk to the doctor about medication, once, when it appeared worse.
Her medication is up to her.
My message to YOUR Mother would be a truth *sandwich*.
🥪💩🥪 Empathy, some hard truth, kindness.
I hear you saying you are lonely. I'm sorry to hear that. That's understandable if you live alone (or spend a lot of time alone).
If you are lonely, what can you do about that? You could seek out other people, the local Senior Centre, local groups or even start to consider moving.
Expecting Brother or myself to provide all your company is unreasonable - it will just leave you frustrated. We are not your generation & have busy lives of our own.
We cannot provide 100% of your company.
If you do want to change your living situation, have more people around, let us know. That's what many do - move into an old people's home, there will be others to chat to all day.
But if you wish to continue living alone (or being alone for much of the time) I suggest you find some hobbies or activities you enjoy on your own. Learning to be happier with your own company grows slowly but can be cultivated.
Growing olders is not for sissies they say! Think of some positives when you can & remember you have family that cares.
What I meant by lonely was that I feel lonely in my head and don't speak about this.
My social skills have declined because of the stress and anxiety I am under because of my mum ...who wants to listen to my depressing moans ?
I have started painting again and learning a new language as it is my ever wish ...hoping it will bring me peace .
She does have an overwhelming effect and hold on me .
"It was my parents choice that I lived here since 16
why can't I feel free ?" So why do you feel you owe her anything. Seems to me when she was able to, she set u away. Now she feels you owe her something? Again, tell her you don't know what she wants from you. She chose to send you 4000 miles away. Really Lonely what can she do to you 4000 miles away. If she was my mother, I would have ghosted her long ago. You wouldn't put up with this from anyone else, so why a mother who was never a mother. If she ever says anything about you will be glad when she dies, say yes you will. Because you deserve so much more in a mother.