My sister has always paid more attention to her 4 boys than her only daughter. The daughter has continuously stepped in to provide support to my sister and gets little recognition for it. She calls me crying about how my sister treats her and not getting any help. She lives about 8 hours away and I try to give her support by phone. We talk almost everyday. My sister cannot live alone. When my sister became ill my niece ask us to bring my sister to her. My niece often says, "My mother treats me like nothing" and she has no life since she moved in. Was I wrong to tell my niece she should not be my sisters caretaker? I have tried to steer hear toward support groups, social worker, etc. I need some direction to help her cope during our conversations. My nephews are not involved in my sisters care. I think they feel it is my nieces job since she is her daughter/female. I would appreciate any suggestions you can give me.
I suppose I would try to keep the communication open. To support her while she decides how to proceed.
My thinking is this;
Taking her Mother in does not have to be yes-forever or no-never extreme. It can be many things inbetween.
It can also change over time.
It could be live-in as a TRIAL. Then reassess. Add more home help as required eg sitter/social visitors, join a support group, get more info about her dx & how it progresses. Eventually personal care assistance & supervision is required around the clock. Many need to find a care home for 24/7 support.
Many many adult children feel they need to step in. Save the day. Fix.
Society pressure still exists towards the female, to be caring, nurturing, put others first etc. Be a 'good girl'.
I'd say your niece has done what many do. Reacted quickly in a crises. Stepped up to help. Fantastic.
What comes next is assessment & making longer term plans. Realistic plans. A plan suit ALL the people in the plan.
Read this to her if you like:
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm. (Even your own Mother).
Other solutions DO exist.
Keep us updated or chat if it helps.
Please make sure she does NOT feel any guilt over putting her mother in a facility. Remind her that your sister favored her golden boy sons, if you have to.
If the brothers do not step up like now, the daughter should relinquish her burden, mom should be placed.
She should not give up her life for a woman who has no respect for her and is just using her.
Women like her mother are usually jealous of other woman hence the bad behavior. They also ty and sabotage the sibling's relationship, divide and conquer, remain the focal point of everyone's attention.
Time to break the cycle.
They’re jealous of their youthful daughters.
I have no answers for you, OP.
I just want to comment on this:
“My nephews are not involved in my sisters care. I think they feel it is my niece’s job since she is her daughter/female.”
It has NOTHING, ZILCH, NADA, to do with that.
Your niece could have been a nephew. 5 boys. Do you think suddenly the other 4 jerks/boys would have started helping? Of course not. They would have listed the next excuse: the helping-sibling is soooo good at helping; we’re so incompetent, we can’t help even in a tiny way; etc.; whatever excuse.
The 4 boys/siblings are simply jerks. How do I now they’re jerks? Because in addition to not helping, they’re VERY AWARE that their poor-exploited-helping-sister is being ABUSED by the mother.
They also know, that if the mother would be in a facility, the caregiving/advocacy/solving problems, doesn’t end. The poor sister would, out of kindness, still help. Still get abused.
I don’t believe your niece is doing this to try to get love from her mother. She’s helping, because she feels it’s the right thing to do: a vulnerable, elderly adult who needs help. Unfortunately, it’s a vulnerable adult who’s abusive. You have the choice to stop helping, but then you have to live with that. It’s a very tricky, awful situation for your niece (and any abused adult child in this situation).
I am so sorry, but I would tell her to recognize and embrace her own limitations, to comb through her options for her own and her Mom's life now. I sure wish her the best of luck.