They are living in a dreamworld where they think they are ok.
My mom has been treated with esophageal cancer and is doing well considering, but now my father has to have a catheter because he pees too much.
They need assisted living but get hysterical, so hysterical, when I suggest it. I cannot fight them without losing the little patience I have.
My "sister" has never visited even though my mom was near death twice
She still won't visit and my mother, and she has poured thousands and thousands of dollars on her because she didn't want to be embarassed of her behavior. She likes that she is fake and buys expensive crap even tho she is a very troubled person.
I am sick of it should I even help my parents, they don't care about me so why shoud I care about them?
She is closer to my mother than I am even tho she has kicked her in the face all my life.
They are both fake and you reap what you sow, I suppose.
Why should I even help them? If she won't even fix the legal things to make things easier for me.
They get hysterical about everything practical. People say treat them like children and push on but how can I do that when my mother is hyperventilating when I even ask her anything?
Why should I care if they don't care about me?
Rant off.
It was like pulling teeth to get them to put grab bars in the shower, I was in tears many a time.
My father drives to appts, he can't walk and should have his license taken away. He has trouble with his eyes as well.
I agree with what was said here, the only option now is waiting for the other shoe to drop because I can't take it, it's making me sick
They are both in their late 80s. I live nearby and my sister is in another state, not close at all :(
My mother is cognizant, she is still pretty sharp, my dad is so-so
She refuses to talk about POA or a living will, like I said, she gets absolutely hysterical and says she has to much do deal with "right now" I don't even know where their will is.
She refuses any talk about managed care or getting a helper.
I have learned to frame everything in terms of “it’s her decision” so when she calls crying that she doesn’t have any help and is lonely, I reply that we are honoring what she wanted. She didn’t want a housekeeper so she doesn’t have a housekeeper. She doesn’t want a companion so she doesn’t have a companion. She doesn’t want to go to PT so we don’t take her to PT. Etc. She doesn’t want to go to a home so she isn’t in a home.
We are in the group who are waiting for a crisis. I stuck an air tag in her car in case she gets lost. I have spot checked it to see how much she is driving and I have discovered she really only goes to the grocery and Dr appointments, so that is a relief.
It got old with her because she did the same thing as your mother. The hysterics and hyperventilating over nothing. She was like this since I was a little kid. It's like a spoiled brat child who holds their breath until they ge their own way.
So, I backed off. I stopped playing her games and my life improved a tenfold. I still help out, but when she starts up, I leave. I won't play her games. Your mother and mine have the same game and you should stop playing too. Sadly, with so many of our elders they'd rather live in denial and rot then allow any real and practical help.
I say, so be it.
I was a homecare worker for 25 years. I operate my own homecare business now.
I'll tell you the same bit of advice I've told countless seniors stubbornly living in denial and who would not accept help.
'Nothing gets a senior a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn'.
Back off and wait for the other shoe to drop. Then you can have them placed in managed care.
SO TRUE.
I’ll add also that it’s even worse: holding breath affects the child, but what abusive elderly parents do (as you say Burnt, they’re senior brats) is HURT YOU: emotionally, psychologically, physically, financially, torture you…
(Ventingisback)
Any help that you give provides the illusion that they are "independent".
If one or both are cognizant then they are able to make the decision to live where they want to live and how they want to live.
If one of them is not cognizant and the other is making poor decisions then you could, if you wish try to obtain Guardianship. (Might be a tough battle to fight in court)
And I will add Guardianship is not easy, it is time consuming and it can be expensive.
Often it takes some event that forces action. Mom or dad falling. A trip to the ER. If you are not POA then you can make NO decisions for them. You can inform a Nurse or a Social Worker at the hospital that you do not think they are safe at home. You do not think they should be living alone. You also need to inform anyone and everyone that you can not care for them in your home. Or the possibility is the hospital will discharge to your care.
So..long story short...
Back off do nothing.
Grandma1954 7/23/23 10:47am
Good point about the help the OP provides will give the illusion that the parents are still independent. They're not.
In some cases, the family just has to wait for the other show to drop. For the next fall or catastrophe before they can act on the elders' behalf.
If your parents don't have POA for financial and Medical set up they need to get it. You may want to tell them without having them set up, that if their health becomes serious and decisions have to be made about were they are placed for care, that the State can step in and they determine where they will be placed. That means the State takes over their money too.
The thing is, I don't think you should have POA. And I do feel that the one who is assigned POA, does the caring. I would never care for my parents without POA. I would not be doing all the caring and not be holding the purse strings or have Medical.
People have the wrong concept of a POA. They think the one assigned is at their beck and call. Not true, its a tool to help the person assigned to be able to get to the finances when needed to pay bills. POA does not mean your the Caregiver. In your situation, your sister should be assigned. And I will bet if that happens, Sister will have your parents in an AL in no time. Because she will not do what you do for her parents.
You need to get to a point you start backing off, especially if there are resources to help ur parents. If Mom calls all the time for this or that, you do not have to pick up her call. You tell them what you are willing to do. When Mom gets started on you, look her in the eye and tell her what she does is considered a form of abuse. If she wants u to continue to be there for her, it has to stop. You are an adult and as such are entitled to respect. If she can't be respectful and appreciate what you do for her, then u will no longer do it. She can hire someone to do what you do. We get walked all over because we allow it. Don't allow it. From your posts you have always been treated like this, its time to say enough is enough. You owe Mom nothing.
They don't respect me because I don't respect myself. I am done.
In your post you talk about how Mom does not seem to want you around. That you do the work but Sis does nothing but seems to be favored. You feel alone in all of this because friends seem to be tired of hearing about your parents. They give suggestions but you can't carry them out because parents won't do what needs to be done. Oh, Dad is 300lbs so he is no help.
How old are your parents? What do you do for them? What do you feel they are capable of doing for themselves? Can their needs be handled by having help come in?
I would have Office of Aging/APS come in and evaluate the situation. Find out what resources are available for your parents. You have choices. You need to stand up to your parents. Seems they need you more than u need them. Tell Mom you are tired of being treated like your feelings don't matter. That your not treated as a daughter but as a slave. That they need to take advantage of the resources available to them because you will not be available to them anymore. You have tried, but they want everything their way. Sorry, but life changes. It can't always be their way because they are no longer independent. They have 2 daughters and both should be helping not it all fall on one person.
They have had social workers visit, they would have to pay for care because they don't qualify for financial help so they won't do it.
I have tried making calls for them but they get angry (?) they don't want me to talk to anyone, helpers, doctors, nurses etc
I am going to tell my mom I am tired of being treated like crap.
If none of them work, walk away. You don’t have to be involved with people who don’t appreciate you. Caregiving should be a choice. Especially in this case, where sister could step up to the plate.
We don't talk, she is a very abusive and selfish person.
She won't come visit my mom yet she is planning a cruise to Europe with her son :(
I suggest you start looking a facilities and invite your sister to join you.
Who takes parents to doctor appointments? I bet it is you.
Do your parents have a living trust in place and plans in place when they cannot take care of themselves? If not... start there... look on the site for this as well as asking your close friends who they use. Are you the POA for finance and health? If you are not... then whoever is needs to step up and help out..
If you take your parents to the dr visits, go inside with them, and have an open discussion with their doctor. Are you on the HIPA?
No, you are not going to stop caring.. you already do care... and that my friend.. is okay. Your mom is scared.. and dad isn't as strong as he used to be..
Your mom just went through esophageal cancer.. Radiation and chemo? What does the dr say about this?
my friend went through throat cancer. Radiation was physically burning her from the inside. Apparently that hurts the health of your teeth. Radiation teeth? Because of that, she has dry mouth, she cannot produce saliva. Is your mom feeling any of that? treatments are not fun..
baby steps. tell sister to stop filling parents house with stuff... They don't need it. If she doesn't understand that, ask her if she has the receipts. They don't need trinkets now, they need attention. will she be there to sift through and decide what they need to live with?Perhaps be upfront and straight forward for this conversation.
Catheters are no fun either. Where is he? Home? Ask doctor to see if both mom and dad can be evaluated for Palliative Care or Hospice Care. my mom graduated out of hospice 3 times. the third, she went to Heaven.
You start doing your homework. check out facilities nearest you or your sister. That doesn't mean your sister will turn around and start literally caring and seeing your parents, but she will get a bite of reality..
Start by calling a facility and ask for a tour. They usually will feed you lunch or something. And look at the facility, the residents, are they out and about in the lounge area? What does the dining hall look like? The place look clean and smells okay?
Do try to tour some places. It's a start. There are also private homes (6 packs) 2 caretakers and 6 residents in a home like environment.
CAN YOUR PARENTS AFFORD IN HOME CARE? In home care does not mean they will get better care... My MIL was dropped or fell several times... and geriatric care is a tough job.
filter through other posts that will be coming up quickly... Sift through them, read, write down what best fits your scenario, and how you feel about this topic.
You may want to talk with a counselor with your mom about her cancer and what happens next.
Yes they can definitely afford in home care but they don't want to pay for it, I don't do a lot at this point, they are kind of living in semi-squalor
Her radiation helped her cancer so far, she is healthier and gaining weight. Won't know much until she get a scan at the end of August
I suggest you step back and let your parents lead their own lives, as badly as they want. Let them bear the consequences of their decisions. Save your sanity.
They may be responsible for finding suitable alternatives or it could viewed as abandonment.