I was recently hospitalized for a few days and I texted my sister to let her know. She asked if I wanted her to come to my town, several hours away from her. I said if she wanted to, it would be helpful and she could stay with my mom. My mom was in my room at the hospital and my sister and brother arrived. They planned for my sister to spend the night with my mom and left pretty soon after.
I texted my sister the next asking when they were coming up and she never answered. Eventually my brother texted me and said that my sister had gotten in a fight with my mom and left after 30 minutes and drove back to her house, 4 hours away. As she left, she told my mom she Hopes she (mom) dies and that she's all alone. My sister eventually texted me and said I need to get my phone off her cell plan and that she wants nothing to do with me as I am a connection to our mother. All of this as I am laying in a hospital bed. Any thoughts on this? All she had to do was go to sleep and bring my mom up to the hospital the next day. I didnt ask or pressure her to come. I don't get it.
What a terrible decision that would be, to enable him.
We used to have a member of the Forum named Ahmijoy. I think of her often because she used to have this expression at the ready, said very nicely:
"Oh, no........I couldn't possible do that...."
Nothing man or capitalized; nothing shouted. Just the above said gently.
I think that you aren't so much doing tough love here as you are enabling a chronic addict. He's been in treatment often; perhaps some day I will work. When I was a smoker it took quitting about 1,000 times until finally it "took" and I never even understood why. I just got sick of the smell, the clearing my throat, the being able to think of nothing else often enough, standing out in the cold to smoke, the cost. Sick of all of it.
Your brother is an addict. Whether you enable him or you do not, he will clean up on HIS time when HE decides or he will get some fentanyl and he won't make it. None of that's in your control. What IS in your control is whether he lives with you and you do his homework.
My suggestion, as always, Narc-a-non. You need the support of those WHO KNOW.
Sorry for one more ladle-full on an already heaping plate, EmotinallyNumb. Really I am.
Are there any adults left in the room. I swear you were talking about my sister too. You are not alone my friend. They can't put their emotions aside even in a time of crisis. They want to fight, that way they don't have to help.
A lot of times the new thing is, my therapist told me to break off ties with "toxic" people. The therapists are making a lot of $$$ on this by have the person coming back each week on a Wednesday and bash the family. I rather have sister spend that $$$ and send me a gift card once in a while.
My mother was at my sister's beck-and-call babysitting, etc. Meals, you name it. She refuses to help, is not sick and expect an 87-year-old women to return to care for her. It's too late baby, we moved half way across the country and are living our life and Mom is having a peaceful ending!
In life, you have to do, what you have to do to survive. Amen sister!
I'm thinking that I dont like this at all. She was pretty rude in the message and I dont think I deserve to be treated or spoken to this way, I'm not ten years old. My mom lives with me, what if I slip up and mention her to my sister? Will I immediately be thrown back into no communication? I am not willing to have that type of relationship.
And you should worry about you and mom, revisit having sister in your life another time.
Thanks for the update!
"How do I navigate that and continue to not take sides bc 99% have nothing to do with me?"
My DH does this very well. He sees & hears the sides, the 'opponents'. See them take to their corners, readying themselves to throw a few punches.
I've watched what he does. He's like a person in the audience, a bored & not interested one. He doesn't get 'into the ring' to shut it down. He does not enter into it their talk. He may get up & leave.
But before that, in person, or by phone I'll hear a lot of: That's between you & X. I don't need to know a out that. You told me that, I am not listenting to that again. You can work that out with X.
He doesn’t call one a liar or sensitive. He doesn't really dismiss their feelings of being upset (they may disagree). But he does dismiss the conversation from his attention.
I mentioned earlier post to give your sister some time, now I feel that even stronger. Giving are political climate these days I'm trying to stay more and more to myself, and trying to learn just to walk away. Id give it till after election and then try to contact her.
It really sounds like your sister tried, she came and picked up your mom, and probably had a lot of tension inside her before she even got there. It sounds to me your sister has years of resentments and feelings of inadequatesy around your mom, then put strong political division in that equation and it's a recipe for disaster. Not that it makes what your sister did or said right but I'm sure she cares for you and mom very much, or she wouldn't of gotten so upset.
One of the main reason I can't go to my mom's much, honestly is because I'm dyslexic, and mom doesn't believe it, continuse little jokes about my intelligence. If or when I tell my siblings they just say I'm being to sensitive, without listening and validating me.
What are you all trying to do to each other? And why? This sounds like the old 'game' of 'you and him fight'.
It's most likely hard for your sister to talk to you because then your mom pops up in the conversation.
Like how when someone breaks up with someone they have to get everyone that is close to that person out of there life , so they can heal.
Your sister needs sometime to heal, what ever happened.
She obviously wanted to help or wouldn’t have driven 8 hrs to try.
I would give her a pass at this point. You have your own health to deal with and now know that you need a backup plan for mom.
Perhaps when you are well and she has some distance from mom you can let her know you are sorry it didn’t work out. That extreme a reaction makes me think she needs some therapy or perhaps she has a UTI, on some new meds, beginning’s of dementia, menopausal, bipolar or something else leaving her no reserve to deal with her mom.
I remember how you helped with your cousins and aunt and extended family. Am I remembering correctly that you are a social worker? It is not unusual, perhaps common, for those who have dealt with trauma to pass it on to their children. Not that they want to. Your experience with mom is obviously very different from sisters. You, perhaps because of your work, may have had more opportunity to process the little bumps in the road of life. For sure you have had more time with mom.
Get well soon and good to hear from you. It really seems your sis is not in a good place. I would wait and see before writing her off.
Age, experience, parents tend to treat one sibling differently than others.
Sometimes talking to siblings you may even wonder if they where raised in the same house.
You do sound, frustrated but much more emotionally mature than some posters I've read . So kudo's for that, and best of luck.
I hear that!
I doubt that this is a new condition. Or am I wrong? Did your mother and sister get along all the time and this is some sudden new change? Or has there been ongoing stress between Sis and Mom?
I am sorry, but you can't pick your relatives. Mom and Sis, despite your being hospitalized could not get along, and if mom requires someone with her 24/7 (does she?) then sis was negligent to leave her in that manner because of a bicker.
There is of course nothing we here can do about this. This is something you now know. It is no longer option to speak with sister about your mother, so please do not do so.
I am very sorry. But as they say "them's the facts". Your sis and your mom don't like one another and don't wish to see one another.
Your mother was in agonizing pain and had dementia back then. You were at the end of your rope with her back in 2018. Surely her conditions have gotten worse over the years and yet the situation remains the same.
Why is she not in a nursing home or a memory care facility?
You say you were hospitalized for a few days. I'm sorry to hear it and I hope you're fully recovered. Surely someone stayed with your mother for those days.
You say your mother was in your hospital room when your brother and sister arrived. How did she get there if she's disabled and has dementia? Who was supposed to elder-sit her in the hospital.
With all due respect to you, I think you've made yourself into a care martyr and you're angry because your sister has not. You've been posting here with basically the same complaining since 2018 yet you take no action to change the caregiving dynamic in your family. Your mother needs to be placed in facility care and you need to make your own life.
Why are you on your sister's cellphone plan? You're an adult. Grow up and go get your own. Your sister should grow up as well and not be so petty with the threats to cut you off the phone plan.
Make some plans for yourself. Your mother should be placed in care so you can make a life for yourself. One where you're not dependent on a sibling for a phone or a sik, aging parent for housing. You deserve to have a life. You've been in this family dynamic for years now. It's time to change it and the change starts with you.
I may have been angry at one point with my siblings for not helping with my mom but I dont think that I am anymore, every one has a choice and I may think its crappy but it's their choice.
My mom is actually doing pretty good, she's had several surgeries to help with her health issues and the dementia has been fairly stable. I moved about eight months ago and we've actually been getting along pretty good since then.
I just read your very first post from 2018. Mom was a problem then and you said she had Dementia. This is 6 years later, why have you not placed her if your still having problems with her. Six years she should be in her final stages unless ALZ. Maybe its time. You being in the hospital is a sign things need to change.
I don't know why sister is mad at you. She volunteered to come down. Its not your fault Mom has Dementia. Time to place Mom.
Best to focus on your own health problems at this point, and ignore the lot of them. It seems unlikely that S will repeat the 8 hour drive, and texting when you are angry is a bad family habit.
The rest? What a mess. You are the most mature person in this situation.
I have a similar scenario. My sister seems interested in us being connected, but as soon as the topic of my elderly mom is under discussion, she starts distancing herself. I am guilty by association. My sister I think is stuck in an old pattern.
I can't do anything about it. I don't expect her to help my mother or stay in touch with me anymore. It's truly sad but I don't have the energy to get in the middle.
Good luck.
When I read your post I thought WOW! Can it get anymore childish. You have shared the problems with your siblings and mom here before and it appears nothing has changed, well maybe they are now worse.
You are right, your sister isn't worth the heartache her actions bring and who tells anybody they hope they die? A 5 year old would do something so hateful.
I disconnected completely from my brother because he threatened our dad. I will not tolerate a bully and saying hateful things and making physical threats to an old person is abuse and as cowardly as it gets. It doesn't matter how difficult a vulnerable person is, it is NOT okay to get abusive back, walk away.
I say, good riddance to bad rubbish, with people like my brother and your sister.
Take care of you and get well soon!
Does she have dementia or other serious health conditions?
Stepping in as a caregiver blindly can be a landmine for both the caregiver and care recipient. Neither are familiar with the other and how things are done by either. (One of the good reasons to have a few days to "break in" and train a new caregiver you hire)
If your mother needs a lot of care it is understandable that your sister may have felt overwhelmed, frustrated and this brings frustration, anger and anxiety to the care recipient.
Without understanding the dynamics between your sister and mom, without understanding the type of care your mom needs it is all speculation as to what really happened.
It speaks volumes that your sister was only able to be in your mother's presence before she lost it.
It sounds like sister resents the fact that you are choosing your mother over her and this was the last straw.
Did you ask your mother what happened? Just winderung what she would say about the situation.
And why is sister the only one getting blasted? It takes two to tango and mom played a part in what happened too. Mom sounds like she knows how to push sisters buttons.
Also I didnt read what others said , to have a fresher mind.
I am by no means on your sisters side, but it does sound like your mom said something very hurtful for her to drive 4 more hours home.
Parents can hurt some of there children so deeply, sometimes for there mental health they need to cut off all ties. It's sad but it happens. Your sisters words where strong and I'm sure hurtful.
My family is very disfuctional, I will share this with you , I believe in staying friendly with the father of my
Children, we try to keep a sence of family for the kids. The issue for me is my x and brother do everything together, literally if there not working there together.
Things are always coming up. Years ago X tells brother, I drink to much. Well anyone that knows me knows that is the funniest thing they ever heard. Then brother tells mom. Then mommy honestly thinks I'm an alcoholic. All because I have a few friends that are alcoholics.
So I can understand why your sister wouldnt feel comfortable talking to you, because she doesn't want mom to know anything about her life.
Best recovery to you 🤗
May be staff be supportive, the treatment easy & the food as tolerable as hospital food can be.
You aren’t unreasonable about being fed up with her behavior when you were in trouble, but obviously S was very upset about what was said almost immediately in that meeting with M. A four hour trip in each direction proves that it was a very bad trip for S, and the chances are that M was at least as much at fault.
I dont know if I will try to have a relationship with her in the future. If this is how she treats me when I'm in one of the most vulnerable times of my life than maybe it isn't a relationship worth trying to save.
Im going through this with my sister. She had a lousy relationship with our mother and now that our mother is gone she has distanced herself from me.
I don’t know if this can be fixed in your situation. You can try to talk to her. Maybe suggest getting some counseling to try to save your relationship.
In my case I was sad about our rift 30 years ago. We came together to help our parents but after our mother died in June she distanced herself. I’m now apathetic about my relationship with her. It really doesn’t matter to me if she is in my life or not.
I hope you can salvage your relationship with her but don’t hold your breath. Just tell her that you are there for her in case she changes her mind.I hope it works out for you.