My mom retired last year and her husband (my stepfather) is in an unknown stage of dementia/Alzheimer's. I say unknown because he never would get any tests and currently sees nothing wrong with himself. To my mother who spends every waking moment with him; she sees it clearly. Not remembering certain words, talking and not making sense, forgetting things he's always remembered...and recently having some delusions. Specifically, he casually talks about the "red trucks that bring the snow to our area and drops it off". We've been hit with a lot of snow the past few weeks and it has been a huge concern for him.
Anyway, I care about my step-father, but right now I am most concerned for my mother. She has been getting progressively sadder and more anxious as days go on. I facetime with her everyday, because I think she needs it...especially during the pandemic. I'm fairly empathetic and good with being supportive. I listen to her. I give her kindness. I lift her up a bit when she's very down. But whenever the topic of being more pro-active about the situation comes up (talking to her friend that offered her earned advice, seeking a group, seeking a therapist, seeking anyone who can help guide us through this) she retreats and explains how she can't do that. If I push, she comes up with reasons why she couldn't even if she wanted to.
She worries about him every waking minute. She's always concerned with what he's doing. She's afraid he'll be out of the house and not remember where he is. She can't find peace in her house...and she's quarantined there.
I can't force her to seek more assistance on this. But right now our conversations are just putting a band-aid on her anxieties/sadness. I don't know what else to do, and I feel like I'm failing her. No matter what I say she goes in ostrich mode and sticks her head under the sand (her words). She wants to ignore the situation when things are okay, but seemingly can no longer handle when things get bad.
I am looking for any advice.
And if you don't live close, perhaps you can order some premade meals to be delivered to them, so that's one less thing she has to worry about. Eventually she will come to the realization that she can't continue on with things the way they are, and start taking some of your advice. Hoping for your and her sake that that will be sooner than later. Best wishes.
Your mother cannot adequately protect your father from fallout from his decline any longer. She has every right to be concerned.
This will be the time for your mom to give you POA for when it is needed.
Also, their finances need to be examined, to see if in-house help can be found to give your mom a break for as many hours as possible.
If there is no money for care, then Medicaid must be applied for.
A heart to heart talk needs to happen with mom, and decisions need to be made about Dad’s long term care, in home, or a placement BEFORE an emergency happens.
Go over there to assess the situation first hand. Lay eyes on HER to see what shape she's in, physically and emotionally. Then have a heart to heart talk about getting help for BOTH of them. She can't manage this huge task alone.....not many people can. At a minimum, in home care givers need to come in to help with her DH and to give her a break. Allow her to get out and feel like a normal human again. He needs a medical evaluation asap. If he's to remain home, the home has to be evaluated for safety and to make sure he can't escape and get lost. That may mean new locks. Or, he may need placement in a memory care assisted living home himself at some point.
Finally, tell mom in person she's not alone. You'll help her thru this maze every step of the way. You can't force her to do anything, of course, but then you'll need to question HER mental state if she's totally unwilling to deal with any of what's going on. She may be suffering from cognitive impairment herself, or maybe the depression has reached a very serious level where medical intervention is required. You'll know better after seeing her.
Good luck!