Both of my grandparents (91M and 81F) were diagnosed with dementia within the past 2 weeks. This has been a very fast-paced, stressful and difficult process for my family. We thought that my grandmother had a stroke, called 911, they took her to the hospital and determined that she did not have a stroke but had not been taking her medication. After doing more tests and diagnosing her with dementia, they sent her to a rehab facility. My father has taken off work indefinitely and moved in with my grandfather to care for him while we wait for a bed to open up at the same facility my grandmother is at. The problem is that my grandmother is a narcissist. She has always been a difficult person and has caused a lot of trauma for my family. She has been calling every day (we cannot visit due to covid) screaming to let her out, that she does not want to be there, etc. She even threatened suicide. It is clear that the staff are frustrated and struggling to deal with her as well. She is being sent to a hospital for a psychiatric evaluation because of her suicide threats. My family is becoming increasingly stressed because we do not know how to handle this situation. We do not want to make her stay in a home if she does not want to, but it is the cheaper and better option for everyone, even though she disagrees. It will be easier for us to visit her there, she will have food, medication, transportation and entertainment taken care of. She does not know that she has dementia and insists that she will be able to care for my grandfather, which is not true. She is bedbound and he has a more severe case of dementia, so they would need a home nurse. The problem with a home nurse is that we feel that nobody is going to want to work with such a manipulative woman. Plus, we will still have to arrange transportation, doctors visits, grocery shopping, etc, and money is limited. They live an hour away from us, whereas the nursing home is 5 minutes from us. We do not know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated.
Question here is do you have guardianship? Without it Grandma may be pretty free to do as she likes without a good diagnosis of being a danger to herself due to dementia.
Grandmother will not be happy about any of this. But what, honestly, is new about THAT? This is for her safety. I am so sorry and I am certain you all are in shock. Just get the important papers in place so that guardianship is a certainty and you are able to make the decisions for a grandmother who no longer is able to.
I'd have a group family meeting to jointly put together a plan all agree upon, for your grandmother. Narcissists are excellent at triangulation of people, and given how she's behaving now, best to have a plan of no one taking her into their home for any reason at all. Just not possible. Can tell her you are not trained professionals, she needs the best care which is at assisted living, which is the best option-for everyone involved.
Do not take her in. You wrote the staff seemed frustrated with her-and they're the pros-think what she's gonna do to you. Grind you up an' spit ya out.
i wish your grandparents well, and you, and your family :).
only you know all the facts.
and i totally understand, that sometimes a facility IS necessary.
i'm just giving you my approach to things:
if at all possible, let her live at home.
she's miserable in the facility.
not all facilities are good; some facilities really are awful. i wouldn't be surprised if many of us, when elderly, if put in a facility, would want to die, want to go home, hate the facility (hate it for mannny valid reasons).
be suicidal, angry, for valid reasons.
(you don't shut someone up, someone angry with valid reasons, with pills).
------
it's not about living as long as possible, when you're elderly.
but...as happy as possible.
narcissistic/mean elderly people deserve also to, as much as possible, live happily in their old age.
if possible, hire in-home care.
----
if it's not possible...
well you wouldn't have written, "We do not know what to do."
OP, you would have said, there's no choice, she must be in a facility, and my question is...
----
but you didn't. you said you don't know what to do.
bundle of joy :)