Narcissistic Mother has started to irritate the administration of her ALF. Thoughts?
Before my Mother moved closer to me, we had a come to Jesus meeting. I told her that she needed to find a way to be happy in her new place! She hasn't been happy anywhere for as long as I can remember.
She is still in her right mind, but has major mobility issues.
3 weeks after she moved in the Corona virus quarantine took effect.
I completely understand how hard the isolation has been, but even when they started letting residents go out to socialize she refused to leave her room.
She raises Hell about everything!
It's to the point that the Director has suggested to her that maybe she should come live with me!
This is not an option!!!
Have any of you dealt with a facility trying to get rid of your LO?
I am mad as Hell that the Director would even suggest such a thing, but honestly I don't want to piss her off any more than my Mother already has. If they give her the boot, she'll have nowhere else to go!!
Any thoughts???
59 Answers
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- Have any of you tried counseling with your loved one (without dementia) in assisted living?
- Mom is in assisted living, quarantined, bored depressed has been having hallucinations during sleep or napping. Advice?
- Does anyone have a 98 year old parent in AL who insists he can care for himself and wants to go home?
- Mother (83) once very active now diagnosed with Vascular Dementia, Parkinson's, can't walk, barely talks, feeding tube and is blind. Advice?
I feel ya, however, which is more likely?
The AFL wanting to lose income or my (TOTALLY NARCISSISTIC) Mother concocting a scenario that would justify her moving into my home?
My Mom has all of her faculties! She is in ALF because she has mobility issues.
After 50 plus years, I have watched Mom manipulate and guilt my brothers as well as myself.
I was not surprised in the least that the Director was shocked and denied ever making that statement.
I feel very confident that I get what's going on now.
Thank you for playing the Devil's Advocate. Sometimes it helps to have a different point of view!
I've often seen it mentioned here as being a useful tool when dealing with narcissists.
https://www.healthline.com/health/grey-rock
Oh you betcha!!
I use it often, but I will tell ya that my silence infuriates Mom.
I can't help but chuckle about it!
It's kinda my guilty pleasure! Lol
She is the wolf!!! Lol
How sad is it to feel that way about your own Mother??
Sorry, just having a bad night!
Yet another altercation with Mom this evening.
I wish I could just wash my hands of her, but I guess I'm not wired that way.
Since I have done extensive research on narcissism, I know better than to divulge what I have learned to my mother! Lol
So I will bite my tongue and play dumb!
When it comes to dealing with a narcissistic mother, the best defense is ignorance!!
Last Friday I was able to speak to the Director face to face.
She looked truly shocked when I asked her if she had mentioned to Mom that maybe she should come live with me! She denied ever having said it!
Apparently Mom is playing games!! Ugh!!!
That is NOT meaning to give into her, but just sit with the facts, anything else made up or her stirring because she can is ignored. It will be hard on the staff,
I see you say she pays her own fees. so must have signed some agreement. I am guessing the Director suggested your place to try and shock her into a bit more of a decent interaction.
My mother was put into a rest home village by my eldest sister, some years ago, And then the rest of us found out, and guess who landed up visiting twice a day as her dementia meant she wasnt coping. !! She landed up in hospital with pneumonia, and the hospital tried to discharge her. the eldest sister disappeared conveniently etc.. so they looked at me, and I said fine, I have a spare dog kennel as I only live in a shack, It doesnt have a run but I can make an enclosure of electric fencing. I said all that with a straight face. Funny they managed to keep her the two weeks whilst another rest home was found. In this case I was fighting the hospital system, but it worked,... and yes the only accomodation I had was a dog kennel.
So make up your facts, set the boundaries, and stick to the paradigms. Everytime she complains about nothing every time she makes aggressive statements to the staff and then moans to you. Agree and then say much more of this and your behaviour is that of a person with comprehension disorder, and you will be transferred to a place for those with mental disorder.. dont use the word dementia.
I did work in some rest homes as I ended my career as a nurse, and I met many residents who sound just like your mother. The only way to deal with them was.. ****this is your life, you can be miserable if you want to. But I have another 86 residents to attend to. Your meal will be served at the dining room, you may attend or not. The staff are unable to bring it to your room as they are needed in the main dining area. I shall send them down to get you in 10mins its up to you. With much muttering they usually allowed to be transferred and I got the dagger look. all I can say is good luck its a difficult situation to be in esp in the USA.
My mother doesn't have dementia.
She does have mental issues, she is a narcissist!!
She flat out refuses any type of counseling , antidepressants or antianxiety meds. All of which were suggested by her Doctor.
Sorry if I seem irritated! I have tried to answer many of you, however, the suggestion of medical intervention keeps coming up. So again "It ain't gonna happen "!
I appreciate all of your responses!
Just wanted to make that clear!
Don't let her get to you.
I too am dealing with my Mother making up stories.
It's manipulative and infuriating, but I guess it's just the cross we have to bare.
Hang in there!!
My mom is paying her own way.
Because she has all of her faculties, just mobility issues, she complains because the facility is "taking her life away ". I have tried to explain to her that they have protocols that they have to follow. Dealing with everyone on an individual basis is unrealistic.
She refuses to try to understand the conflict it might cause with the other residents.
As for a psychiatric exam, oh boy!! She refuses!! She also refused antidepressants or antianxiety meds!! In true narcissistic fashion, it's everyone else's problem.
She literally shoots down every suggestion I offer.
It must be awful to live a life so miserable!!😔
take her to a geriatric doctor, perhaps they can prescribe something.
Just saw something about essential oils. Lavendar oil is supposed to be calming..in a clinical test some took lavendar, and the others took ativan.. same effect...how many clinical tests were there for these 2 components? I have no clue.
just lavendar pot purrie. im not good at spelling at the moment.
If Mother straight up asks to move in with you - give her a straight up answer: NO.
Put it on her and ask her what her plan is for having a place to live if she gets booted. Make her answer and make sure that she understands that you are not going to be cornered into her coming to your home.
I would be tempted to go radio silence and let her know that you will not be around or available for calls because you are having medical issues that are adversly affected by stress and her nonsense is to stressful. Maybe having to play nice because she doesn't have you will help her disengage her head from her backside.
The administrator normally will not suggest places to live without prior authorization from owners of that location. Which means that your mother is lying about the administrator/Director suggesting your place as an option; in other words your mother, "sits on a throne of lies."
Technically facilities will have, or will create, documentation to evict your mother. The ALF can fabricate any reason to evict as long as that reason fits within state laws and/or federal guidelines.
When a landlord wants to evict that landlord will utilize the easiest excuse possible, in this case, perhaps by claiming that your mother is a vague danger to others. Excuses are easily fabricated/supported through generalized documentation, such as something that says your mother is entering other resident's apartments, rooms or ... whatever.
BUT, technically an ALF would or should have found another ALF that has approved her admission. You have not approved admission into your home, and your home hasn't been inspected nor cited as having obtained that approval.
Our ALF will never evict a resident onto the streets, that would be grounds for a lawsuit and would generate really bad publicity.
At our facility all evictions are handled in the same manner; written warnings that are followed by a 30 day notice to vacate, in the native language of the resident.
In our facility, as an example, that 30-day eviction notice automatically generates a copy being sent to the Area Agency on Aging Long-term Care Ombudsman.
The administrator/Director is the only person who can clarify if anything was said. It's doubtful that your mother's claims are true ... So it's time to wait, and to stop engaging with the manipulative asshat. That personality type enjoys provoking reactions and inflicting worry and stress onto scapegoated offspring, and others.
Unfortunately, you're prior "meeting with her" did nothing to help improve her situation but, it would have certainly fueled her ego and temporarily would have met her need to see you upset and 100% focused upon her. Those with that personality type aren't interested in solving "problems," (they've created) b/c they're interested in garnering attention and/or sympathy from others.
If she is a narcissist your mother will continue to manipulate you, which means you need to decide how to decrease all interactions with her, without telling her you're decreasing contact.
In regards to other comments the staff was not uncaring, almost everyone I got to know was generous and concerned for the residents. Even now, after we had to move Mom to SNC and I have been clearing her room, each staffer I have encountered has asked about her and her health.
Yes, when we signed the papers it was noted that the AL has the right to ask the resident to leave if they become disruptive or are a danger to themselves or others. Usually you get at least 30 days notice.
My mother often will tell me that someone said something to get her point across that was never true so I would confirm if the director said that or not.
My uncle which is her brother is an assisted living and absolutely loves it. The last time she went there to visit she said they are trying to kill him with the virus and that the nurse told her she’d be better off getting him out of there to come back to live with her.
I spoke to him and the nurse and neither one ever had that conversation.
So when I confronted my mom She just denied the whole conversation.
Good luck.
The problem is that Mom actually has all of her faculties. She is only in assisted living due to mobility issues. She is not a candidate for memory care.
Again, I have suggested counseling and antidepressants as has her PCP. She flat out refuses.
It's frustrating to say the least!
When the Director returns next week, I will speak with her about what was or wasn't said.
Thanks!
No. I heard from my Mom.
I tried calling the Director, but she's out til next week.
I'll get to the bottom of it then.
Thanks
There are plenty of other ALFs that will be happy to take your mother, you just need to do the footwork and find a couple that are virus free and have availability. Difficult personalities may thrive better in a different environment, who knows? If not, then she will continue to move as needed until you find the right ALF where she's relatively 'happy' and/or willing to behave herself. Because, again mother, you ARE NOT COMING TO LIVE WITH ME so make the best of it. That is the message she will eventually come to realize.
Wishing you the best of luck!
If your mom is sitting in her room, moping and creating the next argument in her head, she is probably going after each employee that enters her room with some sort of complaint. She IS their squeaky wheel and facilities do NOT like her demands or complaints - even if they are legitimate complaints. She creates work for them. Crotchety old people with a good mind are not what they really want. Preference is the quiet, lay in the bed and poop in their pants type.
It would be very unlikely the director just dropped in to see how your mom was doing. So how the conversation even came about might be interesting. Maybe mom gets out of her room more than you know??? Maybe she's just telling you she sits there all day, alone, to make you feel guilty.
Did your mom ever have any kind of hobby that she enjoyed? Was she ever social on her own. If so, what activities did she do with others. Go from that angle to see if you can figure out something to give her to do.