Need a hug, prayers.

Take the advice. I too was in a similar situation as far as emotional/verbal abuse and the advice here and another forum helped me be strong. Well, my husband left. That time apart was wonderful to my spirit. But here we are this year with the needed change. I will never forget what he put me through believe me I always wonder when and if the old will resurface. Take care of you. Hug and prayer sent.

HUGS!!!

Oh KatieKat, I am praying that you will be given strength, courage and wisdom for this trying time and that The Lords will be done with your husband.

Hugs and love to you and your husband, may God help both of you and give you peace. 🤗🙏

So, I won't say I 'know how you feel' because I don't really. I can't imagine being in your situation. But I so hope for you, that you get this worked out. And figure out how to find some happiness in your life. You deserve it. Please, don't let anyone verbally or emotionally abuse you. I'm sorry he is sick and hope the best for his health. And I wish the best for you.

KatieKat (((((((((hugs)))))))

Count me in too as one of the wives that left their marriages after many years. We met when I was 15, married when I was 20-he was 25. We were married 35 years but I just couldn't live another 35 with his chronic depression. He'd be in bed for 18 hours a day, bleak outlook on everything, never told me he loved me because "Love" was an 'overused' word, never lifting a finger for anything he didn't feel was "his" job (car oil changes and cutting grass), and on and on.

I guess menopause helped push me to the acting point. I saw a (post menopausal female) therapist (by my request so she could understand) and she asked, "Do you want another 35 years like the last 35?" The first words out of my mouth were, "Oh, h*ll no!" I'd never thought of it that way and it was all it took to make a decision. It was hard because he has a good heart. I just didn't love him as a husband anymore. I was tired of being the wife and husband. I moved on. He was mad for a long time but, 12 years later, we're friends now. Best thing I ever did. At least I'm living again.

It's hard to work up to leaving and there's a lot to plan. But you will get through it (if you take that route.) Good luck hun.

I'm pulling for both of you.

Poster here. I wanted to do an update on this topic. My husband had the cardiac cath on Wed, Apr 3. They found 95% blockage at the origin of two arteries determined to be unstentable. He was scheduled for bypass surgery the next morning, Apr. 4.
It is now April 12. The cardiac bypass surgery FAILED. All the grafts FAILED. He was emergently returned to the cardiac cath lab for a risky stenting of the arteries. It is now 8 days postop and they can't get him off the ventilator. He won't wake up! The hell I was worried he would put me through is happening! He did crack his eyes a bit today so there is hope. There is also the possibility of rehab or long-term care. I am glad God has spared him. I just hope we can get along after this.

Consider yourself hugged! I know what you are going through with the verbal and emotional abuse and know what that does to ones self esteem. I have 42 years under my belt! My husband has had a 6 surgeries over the past year and is a horrible patient both in the hospital and out. I had a bag packed ready to walk, too, and told him I wanted out but then he kept suffering from these hospitalizations and life threatening infections and I couldn't bring myself to leave.

It was during this horrible time that I realized (after all theses years) that he is a classic narcissist. Once I got a grip on it I informed him that he exhibits all the behaviors of a narcissist. He did not like it when I confronted him about his personality disorder, but as a result of investigating the condition and developing some verbal skills of my own, we are still under the same roof. He absolutely hates what he calls "the N word", but it does slow him down, especially since he knows I'm willing to walk away...even at 64!

Perhaps your husband isn't a narcissist but the emotional and verbal abuse are classic narcissistic behaviors. There are some very good u-tube psychologists who define manipulative narcissistic behaviors and give excellent verbal and mental tools for dealing with those self centered bozo's! If they ring true it could help with your emotional and mental well being regardless of whether you stay or go so I hope you will check it out. Living with these guys creates a lot of emotional baggage for us. I would be gone but for the solid info I've picked up on the internet and through the library. I'ts very scary to think of going out on your own in your 60s so know you are in my prayers with that decision.

His refusal to write a will is probably reflective of being in denial about his mortality and a way to control you. I had my daughter sit down with him to fill out paperwork for his hospital directives with the first surgery and even she had a hard time getting him to commit. I don't know what your relationship is with your kids but how about telling them it's not an option that they have to step up to the plate here and give you some support? It's unfair for them not to be there for you.

Money is a serious factor to consider since you are retired. If you have separate (or husband controlled) finances his hospitalization will be a good opportunity to get up to speed on how things stand re $$ . Knowing what you co-own (including debt) will put you in a better position to protect yourself should he pass intestate or should you choose to leave.

It might be a good idea to check out the Social Security website or contact your local Social Security office to find out how much of your husbands benefit you qualify for. It's unfortunate that because you are under full retirement age they will cut his benefit in half and then from that starting number will make further reductions based on various formulas they use. The final number usually does not create a living wage for the divorcing spouse.

You may want to have a private conversations with his surgeon about the importance of a rehab or nursing home. You've had some good advice from fellow members, especially about bringing in a hired caregiver if they send him home. Medicare ( and the supplemental insurance for "B")will pay for that for a short time if you can get his surgeon to write the orders that professional in home care is necessary.

Your local SHIP ( State Health Insurance Program) can give you guidance on Home Health care companies who accept Medicare. Asking those companies to verify that they do accept medicare assignment will stop you from having to pay out of pocket.Perhaps your doctor can write a letter to Medicare stating that you are not capable of caring for him during his recovery? If his mental acuity is slipping having another caregiver on board to verify and document his behavior is a good idea.

Best of luck and May God keep you in palm of his hand

As the daughter of an Alzheimer’s father that was abandoned by his wife after 43 years of marriage, I hope that you’ll let your kids know what’s going on. I’m sure they will support both of you. It sounds like your husband might have early onset Alzheimer’s too. It can change their personality, behaviors and ability to rationalize.

I am a 15 year by pass patient. Depending on the outcome you may be surprised at the level of care he might need. I also had several related stent procedures. Every recovery is different. Generally they will enroll him in a cardiac recovery program.
These procedures are no all that dibilitating. Think positive. PS...I am 25 years post bypass.

Hugs, lots of hugs. Be aware that surgery and antethesia can effect a persons metal state. Be careful, call in adult protective services to take over his care if you decide to leave.

My husband has 11 stents and required a few days of recovery after each, but no,real caregiving. Home from hospital in 24 hours. His first was at 38, he is now 66. Open heart, harder recovery, but if all,goes well no need for long term caregiving.

He is 66 and was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s in his mid 50s. That diagnosis and progression is truly a caregiving nightmare.

Don’t be his caregiver..hire someone ..he will probably need to be at nursing rehab for a while anyway. Go to work or volunteer but in no way become a caregiver for an already abusive man . See a lawyer to see who can be poa, will, health proxy. My personal opinion is why leave him now when he is at his worst..,physically & mentally? But only you can make that decision.

Oh, my! I am so sorry to learn of a possible split from your husband after 46 YEARS! Heart bypass surgery has advanced so perhaps it's not as bad as you think it could be. Even a stent is less invasive. What would you do apart since you married him as a teenager? Prayers going out to you, dear lady.

I am in the same situation. I am 66 and my spouse 86. He and I had 30 years together. He got stroke times two and had prostate cancer. He recovered surprisingly well and the two of us have accepted and dealt with the awful consequences to our sex/love life and awful side-effects which it has always been my choice ("Oh no dear, I'll be happy to clean it up. You take care...") to deal with. Now he has become a loveless, thoughtless and self-focused narcissist and all he does is shout about "I could die anytime!" when I make a determination to leave. I too am "ready" as I can be to leave the marriage. I have one supportive friend and he has one worthless son. I have no family.

Guilt, responsibility, vows, compassion, resentment, the feeling you're sacrificing your life and getting nothing in your "golden years" but ceaseless thankless work....God bless you.

Get out. Go to Bible class - even if you don't belong to a church you can attend those. They keep me focused on the love of God and the comfort He gives despite our labor and sadness. Find a Senior Center in your area and go. DETACH when he fights you and drops the guilt-trip on you.

Or leave, realize that "Loving someone else has to stop someplace short of your committing suicide."People live longer now. Your 60's can represent a "golden" beginning. You face fear, you'll - I promise, feel guilt or have it foisted upon you. Find a good counselor that deals with these issues - a female counselor in your age group preferably, and have her guide you.

God bless! You are NOT alone!

Katie, if you were in a bad car accident and died, he would manage. Not one of us is indispensable. Lincoln freed the slaves. You do have options.

If you choose to stay until he is well because you are hoping that this health problem will make him change, do so, but keep your bags packed. He will probably revert to his old ways in 2 or 3 months. My heart goes out to you and I am sending you hugs and good thoughts.

Hi there, tough situation for you so sorry about that. But this may be an opportunity- by making this surgery it might mean he feels better and looks at life differently. Also talk to doctor and some emotional help could perhaps be ordered as part of the recovery. You are still young and deserve to be happy and maybe after his recovery it will be your time to be taking care of you! If that means living on your own then go for it. Clearly you have done your fair share.
Hugs and more hugs to you!

Geez, it seems like about half the married women in America are being abused mentally, emotionally, at least, and some being battered. This is surely not the fault of mothers raising sons to be abusers. We must stand strong, call out all abuse as it is made visible, if society is to ever change. Even if we are forced to stay due to ill health, age, finances, obviously we women are going to have to support and lead the way. Society as a whole isn’t going to change how women are treated by many.

Unbeknownst, you carry a heavy cross spiritually and mentally it takes courage to even talk about this situation. Still you are reaching out which means your really are not giving up, at least you are going to be be there for him. Just take one day at a time reach out to get a Health Care Provider, A agency that the hospital will help you out when you get home with him. The Human Resource Department at the clinic or Hospital. They talk to him about POA you been together 46 years get help it's ok.

My husband has had a couple of hearth catheterizations. That in itself is not too rough of a procedure, the worst part being the entry point in the groin area kept a watch on for bleeding or swelling, no heavy lifting for a week. The stent is likely easier than a by-pass, and hopefully will require no more than that.Your husband is still at a young enough age where a by-pass may be easier to bounce back from, though everyone is different. Perhaps the blockage is creating his irritability as it can send the blood pressure up, I have seen this happen to some people. I hope for all the best for you. {{Hugs}}, Katie.

God bless and keep you safe and sane; provide for you peace, comfort and joy always and in the midst of it all. Talk to God 🙏 and trust God...

This is not said lightly: It looks like there are enough women in your type of situation to form group safe homes or transition homes. A place you can go to when you have decided to leave but don;t have the logistics planned yet. A place where you are safe and able to stay until you have more permanent plans. Waiting for long-term, "permanent", plans to be in place can be deadly - whether from stress or direct abuse. Since I don't know of any such group transitional places, I know it will be more difficult to leave. But, you must leave in order to protect your own mental and physical health. It sounds like your husband has the ability to make decisions on his own. It's time to protect yourself. I finally left an abusive husband after 6 years of emotional, verbal, and physical abuse. I was lucky. I survived. I was young and had a job. And, I remember clearly the feeling of joy the very first minute after the divorce was granted. Nothing about it was easy, but I went on to live my life without fear and stress. I wish the best for you!

It took me a long time to realize my husband was abusive. He is a passive aggressive person who to others, appears like a lovable humble guy. No marriage is ever perfect. In my situation, it is a long term marriage where he didn't need to go to counseling because nothing was wrong with him. I went alone. That might be something you consider. A therapist will give you support and help you sort out your feelings. You have friends here and support here too. Hugs to you. As someone else said, you are not alone.

You are not alone! Life is too short, if you’ve told him how you feel and he isn’t willing to work on the relationship then you need to find the courage to leave. When my mom got sick she told my dad ‘there were so many things I wanted to do and you wouldn’t do them and now it’s too late’. That was a wake up call because I was in my 30s and already felt that way in my own marriage. Gave couples therapy a try then decided to divorce and I’m so much happier! Don’t let the guilt get in the way of your own well being

Katie--

I think we were lucky, but if DH returns to his crabby self after he weans off the anitdepressant, I don't know if I will continue to ride it out. I'm so tired.

Our marriage is pretty much been all about raising the kids--and then, poof, they're all moved out and doing great, and we looked at each other and didn't love what we saw.

We don't 'fight'. He knows how I feel,. He knows he's been a subpar hubby and feels badly about it, but not enough to actively change.

Retirement cannot happen for him for 2 more years. Whether we retire together in one home, 'together' in a duplex, or apart is up to him, really.

My DH has never been abusive. Checked out and clueless and thoughtless and such--oh my, yes. But he has always respected me as the mother of his children and such. He just---I don't know, married his close call (me). We are so very, very different. It's interesting and frustrating. I was 20, but WAAAAAAY too young to be getting married. Didn't listen to anybody and married him anyway. The "magic" was gone in 6 months.....and has never come back.

If you are being abused, mentally or physically--I'd say get out. I was just ignored, not actively abused.

Yeah, I bet he's terrified. He should be. But I wouldn't leave him while he's actively ill. He may have the stents and be recovered and back to the usual in a few weeks. DH is still struggling a little. It's been a year in June.

You are NOT required to be your husband's caregiver. So, do not do it if you do not feel capable. Please make plans for your own escape some day. (e.g., open your own bank account, find a part-time job, etc.)

You have every right to tell hubby that you are tired of tolerating years of abuse - so you are leaving him. It's his responsibility to figure out what he will do after that.

I had a stent put in and there is not much recovery to it. I felt much better, more energy. I had to change my diet and exercise more. But not a lot of down time, maybe took it easy for a week. That had been 16 years ago and have not had any problems with it since. I am 67.

Both the stent and bypass options are far more routine now than they used to be and while they are certainly different recoveries, which is why they are options for the same problem, providing there aren't any major complications life should go back to the normal from a year, two or more ago. It is possible that his mood and memory have been slipping in large part due to the heart blockage. Not getting enough blood flow, oxygen to the brain and exchanging the co2/waste can have a bigger affect than you think and because it gradually gets worse over time, greater than you realize. That said if the marriage hasn't been good for 46 years fixing his heart blockage isn't going to produce miracles. It should however give you the opportunity to leave should that still be your desire without feeling like your abandoning him during a time of medical need. It might take a little longer if you want to wait until he is through this but if all he needs is a stent, the recovery is very short and patients often notice a big difference immediately with full benefit in a couple weeks maybe. If he needs bypass that takes a bit longer but you might even have the option of a short term rehab facility if you show hesitation about your ability to care for him at home and he will be up and around (barring other mobility issues he may already have) before leaving the hospital. Much of his recovery time and success will have to do with his determination and ability to follow orders but my mom for instance had a stroke just before she was scheduled for heart surgery. A month later she had that surgery, triple bypass, valve replacement and aortic repair (they found it was shredded when they got in) and her recovery from the surgery was very quick, no rehab facility for that and thank goodness no further strokes during and following the surgery so her care needs have been far more about her speech and processing from the original stroke, her physical abilities improved immediately.

I would also suggest you take this opportunity to get your children more involved or at least up to speed and taking on some responsibility even if it's from a far since they don't live in the area. With your husband going in for any heart procedure they will ask about POA and having things in order so it's a perfect excuse for him getting those things in order and you might even suggest one of the children either along with you or instead be given POA or at least MPOA, that way should you leave him later you will know someone else has that authority should his mind get worse.

I'm sending lots of positive energy your way and big HUGS anytime you need them!

Find out If he has insurance coverage for a care giver. If he is abusive you need to get out. I speak from experience. You don't realize how badge it is until you get away from it. You deserve a life and things will get worse for you and better for him.