Need help with what to say and how to redirect, any tips or redirecting would help.
My Mom came to live with me full-time recently after her boyfriend of 30 yrs could no longer take care of her, because of his heart. He had to ask her to leave, I totally understand why he had too. She is so hurt, and crying most everyday. Saying she can’t believe he kicked her out after so many years. She misses her neighbors. Now she has her own house as well, but only lived in it for a few years when they broke up for like in 2015. My question is what do I say when she says things about him, and her neighbors. I’m trying to cheer her up and help her move on but I don’t think she will. Also how do I get her to bath and change her clothes. She gets so angry with us and says we are being mean to her. Plus she goes in her pocket book like all day searching for stuff, and panics like all day thinking she lost her keys, her glasses, her wallet. Ideas please.
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"I am a single mother of 2 girls and a disabled child at home. I am currently working two jobs, and now about to take on my mother who is declining into stages of dementia/altzheimers.
I am caring for my mother Shera, who is 76 years old, living at home with age-related decline, alzheimer's / dementia, anxiety, depression, sleep disorder, and vision problems."
Wow... you've got a lot on your plate.
First, your Mom's dementia is only going to get worse and you won't be able to give her the care she needs without it coming at the expense of your own health and your childrens' lives.
I know this wasn't your original question but you either need to have her pay for a companion aid to come in every day or else she transitions to AL, eventually, soon.
Are you her PoA? If not, work on getting this done. Then arrange her Medicare free annual wellness check-up where they will do a cognitive and memory test (remember 3 words, draw a clock face with hands at such-and-such time). This is where the meds conversation to address her depression can happen. You will need to also be her Medical Representative so ask for that HIPAA form when at that appointment.
My Mom (94) recently was feeling depressed so she was willing to start the smallest dose of an anti-depressant (Lexapro) and it has helped her a lot. Your Mom is depressed and there are solutions like meds so this is where to start. It may not improve her memory problems but the right med(s) in the right dosage and combination should get her to a spot where she is less anxious. Dementia robs people of their ability to control their mental state. Even going to a therapist would not help her at this point (also her memory deficit works against it as well).
Getting her to bath:
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/how-to-help-with-bathing-and-personal-hygiene-top-tips-from-caregivers-212010.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/elderly-parents-who-wont-shower-or-change-clothes-133877.htm
For the record, her "boyfriend" was a jerk. Together they could have paid to have in-home help for her or explore other care solutions, but maybe if he has his own adult children (who are PoA for him) they decided to kick her to the curb since they weren't married. Nice.
Also I hope you realize this situation is not sustainable given that you work and have children at home . Either help needs to be coming in the home or Mom will need to go in a facility. Given you have children at home I vote for facility in the not too distant future . Your children don’t deserve to have to deal with this . It’s hard enough on an adult to deal with living with a parent with dementia. IMO your children deserve to have you be there for them , and your mother live somewhere else in a facility . I’m sorry you are dealing with this.
IMHO, your mom is not going to be redirected for this problem at this stage. She is most likely in shock and grief. 30 years is a very long time. Poor thing knows she has lost something. It must seem like a nightmare. She is looking for things in her purse but it is her life she has lost. What a horrible situation for her.
Anyone who has dementia suffers each time they are moved so it will not be a surprise if she declines. Transitions are hard for any of us.
I think if I were you I would try to get her a full medical and neurological exam if you haven’t already done so. Perhaps an antidepressant would help?
Ask her doctor to have home health assess her for services. If her insurance covers and she qualifies for a nurse to set up her meds, etc., she could also be provided a bathing aide a few times a week. If she has original Medicare and part B it will cover. If she has an advantage plan her doctor should know.
Rituals to start and end her day. Handing her a warm washcloth to wash up, put her toothpaste on her brush. Hand her a hairbrush and a lipstick. Not knowing her level of decline these suggestions may not be good but each thing that she follows through on will help her find a degree of “normalcy”. Don’t ask her to do these things so much as expect her to do them. Put this glass in the sink for me mom.
Perhaps your daughters will help with putting lotion on her arms and legs, giving her a mani/pedi. Some human touch and care.
If you can get the home health they will help with stripping her bed and remaking it and shampooing when they bath her.
I am confused about her house. Does she have a renter or is it sitting empty?
The Area Agency on Aging for your county might be able to do a needs analysis to help you find her housing. You need to make it clear to any agency or medical that she has to find care, that you are not the solution. Don’t minimize your own responsibilities, there is help for mom but you have to actively pursue it and don’t let them think for a minute you are the solution or they won’t be looking.
I am so sorry that this has happened, that mom has dementia. As you said her BF has issues of his own. It would have been easier on her if he had worked with you to get her placed and not into your home. Legally she had a right to stay there unless evicted. You must be reeling as well with all you have on your plate.
Do check out Teepa Snow videos on YouTube on redirecting and other issues with dementia.
Let us know how things are going. We will be thinking of you.
Who now lives in your Mother's home, (hopefully NOT boyfriend, unless he is also on title.)
What diagnosic workups have been done on your mother?
What kind of dementia is she suffering from (if indeed she has dementia at all (sounds like she does)?
Did you carefully consider over some period of time that this may be coming, and that it is your wish to take your mother in and assume 24/7 care?
The issue here isn't a busted relationship. Life's full of them and we all recover (or don't) and there's not a lot to be done about that; it isn't yours to fix whether it's fixable or not).
You have just moved from being a daughter to being a caregiver.
That means you are no longer the loving daughter, but are the "decider".
You are the director and the one keeping mother safe and it is 24/7 work.
Bad as it is now it will become much worse with time, and with issues of constant illness, appointments, incontinence, wandering, sleep pattern disturbances, food, etc.
Are you ready to assume care that one person has already let you know is not doable by one person?
The issue here seems to me not to be the fact your mother is grieving a relationship.
That is normal in life; most of us, if we live long enough, have busted relationships.
We grieve, we mourn, we cry, we shout, we think on it obsessively, we write diaries and complain to friends and drink too much red wine.
That's normal.
AND, there is not only not something you CAN do about it, but there also is not anything you SHOULD do about it. It's a personal issue.
Your mother may never get over her broken relationship. Some people don't. Not everything can be fixed, but you can already see how being a caregiver is making YOU think something that is not true.
You already think you are responsible for your mother's happiness.
The issue here is that you are a new caregiver, and I think your concentration on Mom's busted relationship is stopping you from looking at the big picture. It reminds me of walking in the woods in the fall; you can't see the poisonous copperhead for the scattered leaves everywhere.
I wish you good luck. You have decisions to make for your future.
I am truly sorry for the grief and confusion. This will take time to work out, but given Mom has moved in with you you are already painted in a bit of a corner.
The basic thing to remember on the face of your question is that YOU are not/cannot BE responsible for someone else's happiness. You aren't God. You aren't a Saint. You don't have the tools.
I wish you the very best.