I have spent the last year trying to find an attorney, aging agency contact or social contact to help me with my issue and there is nothing! I have been estranged from emotionally abusive, narcissistic mother for years. Not enough space to add the details but, after her fall, I now find myself having to take care of her and I can't do it anymore. There is no help from siblings. They are out of state (on purpose) so I am left holding the bag, so to speak. I could go on for days as to what this has cost me financially, physically, emotionally and mentally. I can't get away from her and can't leave her sitting homebound with medical needs she refuses to pay for. I refuse to get guardianship. Please don't go into "Filial Law" as it's been exhausted. Four attorneys later and there has been no help. They tell me while I can't be "forced" to be her caregiver, there are laws against abandonment and neglect. I'm damned if I stay and also if I walk away, which I really, really need to do. I am needing some solid legal advice and there is none to be had in Arkansas. I am not an appointed (or voluntary) caregiver, conservator or guardian. She does not qualify for Medicaid or any social services and cannot drive/is homebound but still mentally able to handle her own affairs (just too lazy to do so). She refuses to make Dr. appointments and do things that are crucial which results in me doing them for her because someone has to. Please, constructive, helpful answers only. Thanks!
These laws are applied people (and other living creatures) who are not able to care for themselves, be it due to age, mental incapacity, etc. They DO NOT apply to people are able to care for themselves but, for whatever reason, choose not to.
They have the right to *choose* to not take care of themselves; that DOESN'T obligate family members to become their de facto caregivers.
You're already in a prison of sorts, aren't you? Except here, the cell door is wide open, all you have to do is walk through it.
You are only as stuck as you allow yourself to be going forward.
Are you living with her or her with you? If she lands in the hospital, Rehab even better, tell the SW you will no longer care for her. That she can afford care but refuses to pay for it. That she needs to be evaluated for 24/7 care and if found she needs it, placed in LTC. Hopefully you do not have POA, if not tell them you will not be seeking POA or guardianship. That the State needs to take over. Believe me the State will cut thru that red tape to get her placed.
You tell them exactly what you said here " I could go on for days as to what this has cost me financially, physically, emotionally and mentally." If she is a safe place, don't think that is considered abandoning. Just walk away and block the facilities phone no. Don't be available. If you can, move. Your siblings were the smart ones.
I wonder if its abandonment if you call APS and tell them there is a vulnerable woman. That you refuse to care for her and you are leaving. I know a hired aide who did this because she hadn't been paid. APS swooped in and removed the woman from her home and placed her in a NH.
However from your post, it seems that mother may not be living with you. If so, no-one can force you to go around and care for her. You have been asking for permission to stop from lawyers, when it’s really up to you. Your care is making it possible for her to continue at home. Stop the care, wait a while, then call APS to say that her living conditions are now unsafe because you cannot continue care. It’s possible that they will start the guardianship process. It’s more likely in the short term that the change will force your mother to change her approach to doing the things that you feel sure she is capable of.
Even if mother will continue living with you, you still have the opportunity to stop helping her with so much. As I’ve said before, two days without food or nappy changes are not life threatening, but they certainly can be life changing. Speaking as a lawyer, the law doesn’t have magic wands to solve personal problems that really require personal action.
I do not know the laws of Arkansas, but there are usually few laws about ‘abandonment and neglect’, other than for a child, animal, or adult with disabilities. They relate to circumstances where the ‘abandoner’ has legal responsibility for a child, is abusing an animal, or is mistreating a person for whom they have taken on responsibility. NOT just refusing to follow the preferences of parents, or going on holiday for a while.
Call the cops when you aren't there for a Wellness check. Tell them she is able but, seems unwilling and you get abused by her for trying to help her and you can't do it anymore. End of! Font offer any information about what advice you have received from an attorney, cause frankly, they are not always correct.
This will get her on the radar of the local police. If it's bad, they will call you, you tell them YOU CAN NOT DO IT, PERIOD. This will get them to involve APS and get her off your hands.
You matter and just because she has decided or said no, DOES NOT OBLIGATE YOU TO SAY YES!
The State will take care of your Mother if you refuse to do so.
Again, in a court (and there will likely be no court) you simply say you are not mentally, emotionally, physically or intellectually able to care for your mother.
What do you suppose happens to those without children?
Guess what, the State assumes guardianship.
Do know however that at the point the state steps in as guardian and they appoint a fiduciary you will have ZERO to say about what happens to your mother. You will not be her POA, guardian, MPOA. You will not have a thing to say about whether she is placed or WHERE she is placed. It will be as though you do not live.
Your attorney is right. You cannot be forced to care for your Mother. You don't live with your Mother. You won't be abandoning anyone.
As to siblings, take a page out of THEIR books. What makes you think that YOU can be help to care for your mother and THEY are not? That doesn't make any sense, does it. And it isn't true.
Walk away. In fact, consider a move to another state.
It is sad to see how abused adult children so often find themselves back with their abuser. I hope the OP does get the help she or he deserves.
mother occupies.
They will send a social worker down to talk to you. Tell them that she is not coping on her own and you cannot and will not be her caregiver. Give the social worker the names and contact information of your siblings too.
They will admit her to the hospital for evaluation and is she is considered incompetent, they will place her. If they find she's sound they will send her home. Either way you are not guilty of abandonment because you brougt her to the hospital. Make sure you refuse to be appointed POA, conservator, or guardian for her. Let the state appoint someone and they will because then that person will be responsible.
Granted, doing an 'ER Dump' sounds harsh and is usually the last resort. In your case it will probably be the only way you're going to get any services for your mother and keep yourself off the hook being held responsible for her.
I think you need to talk to someone at APS face to face and tell them that Mom can do for herself she just refuses to do it. You setting boundries is not neglect. Tell them she needs a higher level of care than she is getting and she can afford to pay for. That you don't understand that by unwilling to pay for things she can afford to pay for, thats neglect. She chooses to live the way she does. If you weren't around and APS investigated, they would say "she chooses to live that way"
As far as filial responsibility laws, Arkansas does have a statute and if you're not going to use an attorney, familiarize yourself with the requirements of this law. You may not be as much on the hook as you think.
If your mother is competent to handle her medical and financial affairs, I don't see any reason why you need to be involved. If she is not mentally ill or incompetent and she is financially secure she is free to do as she wishes. If she truly is in control of her faculties and chooses not to take care of her medical care, so be it. It would be good to get her to her PCP or a physician if you can to have her physically and mentally examined but it you can't you can't. I don't know Arkansas law but I can't see how one can abandon or neglect a competent individual.
Being the child of a narcissistic parent is a terrible burden. If your mother is safe enough as she is, step away and get some therapy for yourself. The fact that you're having a hard time finding legal or social services that will answer your questions suggests to me that you may need to sort out your boundaries more. Then you will be better able to sort out the facts. Once you have the facts in front of you, you will more likely be able to come up with a plan you can live with.
Suggestions only and not legal advice.
At that time you seemed to think this forum wasn't helpful. What do you think you will find different this time?
You need to accept that you are not responsible for your mother. You are the one who seems to think that you are. Why? Your siblings have backed away. Why don't you?
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