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I always did the best I could for my mother we lived together most our lives my moms 85 yrs old I know my mother more than anyone I am her daughter I should know. I had to put my mom in a nursing home NOT cause I wanted too but I had to she got a Urinary tract infection had to go to the hospital then they kept her for 5 days then she got weak in her legs and can't walk so then she needs physical therapy It's hard for me to really take care of her when she can't walk. But I had done it before when she couldn't even walk because it was my choice i did not want her in a nursing home. It took a big toll on me cause i had to get her walking again and get her to the rest room. But every time I give a nursing home another try it's been Nursing home neglect. Now my mother is in ICU. Do not put your Family member in a Nursing home especially if they have memory loss. You know why? I don't even have to say it. Cause they take advantage of them and do what they want cause they can get away with it. If you love your mom or father don't they will for sure pass a way! My mothers been in 5 nursing homes and each one I had to pull her out and take her home with me they all just drugged them and her up they don't listen the Dr's just keep giving prescribing Meds My mother dos better without the Meds. it should only be taking when absolutely needed. And all I do is arguing with them. They don't run the nursing homes right. They should all be SHUT DOWN I have not found anyone that was good. They get money for what to kill elderly and shorten there lives More! I have to take my mother OUT and do what they couldn't do all myself as always. Now my mother is in ICU for 7 days! all cause of the nursing home my mom has NEVER NEVER been this bad she has Ammonia and a Real bad Urinary Tract Infection! from this Nursing Home! Should be ALL SHUT DOWN. Now this is something I'm going to have to live with if something happens to my mom my life will never be the same. "I am pissed angry" that there are Humans that treat and can get away with treating older people like Animals and even animals shouldn't be treated like that!!! I'm not done with these nursing homes that messed up my mother yet! I cry every day I knew inside something was wrong I could feel it. But I had surgery myself I could not be there for her have breast Cancer going on for 3 months now I have not been doing well thinking how can I care for my mother ass I needed treatment myself. I just got out of surgery when this all happened I had a drainage tube running down my chest when this all happened and now it's too late my moms in ICU. The next day after surgery I went into the nursing home Talked to the Administrator the ones all in charged crying upset about what happen to my mom. I told them they think there this place right they are Not I told them if something happens to my mom they will go down. I ripped open my shirt with the tube of blood from my chest and said This is what I been through. I counted on you all here to help me with my mother. And all I can say is what comes around goes around and one day i hope not, this might happen to you and you will all see what it feels like to be me or my mother. and I walked out.

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I'm sorry it has all been so hard.
You will be more successful at dealing with the realities of your situation, the realities of your mom's situation, and the realities of nursing homes, if you are really super clear about reality! For example, the tubes in your chest and what you have gone through are of course incredibly important to your life... but they have nothing to do with what nursing homes are trying to do; and telling someone who runs an institution that those institutions should all be shut down isn't a great way to get them to help you or work with you. Of course you have a lot of feelings, and... well, a lot of people seem to feel that objecting to a problem is the same as negotiating to improve it, but it's not. Negotiating to improve the situation makes you a team-member or, better yet, a team-leader, on your mom's behalf; just objecting and making scenes just makes you into a problem too. As JenJiks says, document, use channels, like that. Work with the reality and realize that everyone else, like it or not, is limited by their situation too.
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Reading all of this makes me wish that us old folks could have assisted suicide on demand! I don't want to put my kids through this!
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Lightedpunken, I am so sorry what you have been going through. Last year at this time I had this same situation with my mother who wasin two nursing facilities. The first one that she was in she almost died. They neglected her. One day I was visiting her at that nursing home where I found her unconscious. I told the nurse and she was indifferent. Her physical therapist yelled at her while she was unconscious. Then mom was admitted back to the hospital which is across from the facility at least two three times .Then was released back tot he nursing facilities and sent back to hospital. Mom was cogent enough to have the paramedics to take her to another hospital. They saved her life. After she was released from that hospital, I have placed her in to another nursing facility close by to there just incase she got sick again. They did a great job but still had some faults. I am with you and I feel your pain.
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I had a very similar, unfortunate situation with my mom; she went from the ICU to a rehab floor in a nursing home after a fall and fractured pelvis. I stopped in 2-3 times a day, got to know the staff, brought treats to the CNAs, had meals with my mom, went to rehab with her, etc...and one day she didn't feel well and was coughing a lot. I asked the nurse if we could see if my mom had pneumonia (I knew she did as this was a weak spot for her and she was on oxygen 24 hours a day)...the test took a week to get ordered and results back...and 5 days of antibiotics, my mom wasn't better yet....and she complained of severe abdominal pain and wasn't urinating or eating. I tried to coax her to drink and eat...and told the staff MY MOM IS REALLY ILL....they said "we'll call the doctor"...so about 3 days of this I said I WANT MY MOM TO GO TO THE ER....which took HOURS for the doc to approve, etc....long story short, the paramedics provided life support and my mom was on an epi drip in the ICU for days due to septicemia. She never walked again as the illness debilitated her so badly. I had her come home after she was out of ICU and took care of her, with help of private duty CNAs and hospice until she died a few months later. I will NEVER get over the emotional trauma of that experience....to watch my mom go from walking and getting ready to come home from rehab, to being so severely neglected that she almost died. THe experience led to a major decline (and unnecessary one) in her life....and we both suffered a lot together until she died, trying to come to terms with it all and to forgive, and move forward. I did report the incident to a state agency and the nursing facility was fined for the incident. I could've gone further legally but chose to use my energy for positive time with my mom. I will go to my grave fighting for nursing home/rehab reform. WE trust our loved ones with facilities that are understaffed, with employees who are underpaid (and often very dedicated)....something has to change. I am sorry for what you went through. I can see you are not alone and I hope that our support gives you some comfort and encouragement.
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I worked in nursing homes for many years and at each facility there were family members known as "one of those daughters." (90% were daughters!) These folks had demands that were unrealistic because of the regulations we had to follow, the degree of illness of their family members, or the amount of staff available. It's not fair or right but sometimes making too many complaints means that the real problems are dismissed along with the unrealistic. Sadly, it is also not unheard of for staff on the floor to take out their frustrations on the resident whose family has yelled at them or gotten them in trouble with management.

Now my stepmother is in a SNF with advanced dementia and I am trying to walk the fine line between getting her the best possible care and not being one of "those" daughters. I think that it helps that I know how to look up the current state regulations so I know what is required and what is prohibited. I have also reviewed the reports of the facility's deficiencies in the last survey to give me an idea of what to look out for.

Also I am careful to treat the staff on the floor with respect; they do hard, dirty, and thankless jobs for less money than the work should be worth. Requests or complaints should always be made first to the person who is directly able to help. Sometimes this is the nurse, sometimes the social worker, dietary supervisor, housekeeping supervisor, etc.

I'm not saying that I'm satisfied with poor care; she needs to be kept clean, dry, and fed all the time, not just when I'm looking. I just get along better with the staff when I try to understand their point of view.
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I think, in all honesty, you are thinking that a nursing home can give your mother more and better care than you could at home.
It is group care and they have many residents for whom to provide care.
There is no way she would get individual care that you can deliver. That said, they are able to lift her and move her the way they are professionally trained.
Hospital stays for seniors can be difficult, as they need mobility exercises, and are unable to function normally.
That said, it was the best placement for her at the time, since you were ill yourself.
It is normal for seniors in her condition to develop URIs, my late father had one. They simply do not urinate as much, nor do they keep themselves hydrated.
If you have a case for mistreatment, does the US not have a place for complaints? If you have issues with individual doctors or nurses not treating her properly, you should document this and complain to the governing body.
I keep telling my kids, drug me up, as I don't want undiagnosed pain. My father was unable to communicate he pain, although I knew it.
In Canada we have a system of complaints. Reports on long-term care homes: check the homes out before you place a loved one. http://bit.ly/1iWyASp
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I am sorry for the situation you are in. I realize that for the most part hospitals and most NH are not rendering good quality care for the elderly. Without a daily presence of the adult child, advocating for the elder, and making up for the neglect/less than ideal physical care of the elder, they tend to leave the hospital, rehab or NH with additional problems or weaknesses.Of course, the top 1 % in the USA have lovely NH which render terrific care but the normal middle to poor American will not receive that level of care. They treat problem X, but the elder leaves with additional problems and weaker because there is never enough staff to walk them with their walker, feed them if they require assistance went their food arrives. The best thing a family member can do is be present for all 3 meals, to encourage and assist them in eating. The kitchen staff will pick up an untouched tray if the patient can't manage the eating process alone. They seem to think the elderly should get better on an empty stomach.
If you have to keep her in a NH, her situation will likely worsen. Your mother isn't being treated in an odd way, this is the normal treatment of the elderly. They are written off as old and they are not treated with the dignity and respect they deserve as American citizens who contributed to our society all their working years.
Take care.
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I am so sorry for what you are going through with your mom which has been made worse by your own medical issues. I too have had the same issues with nursing homes. My 91 year old mom lives with me. She fell and fractured her knee and had to stay in a nursing home to rehab. I know what you are talking about when you say you can't take care of her when she can't walk. Me too. I am 64 years old and work full time. Mom stays by herself during the day and for the most part is good. But if something happens where she can't get out of a chair and walk (with her walker) then I have a big problem and she has to go to a nursing home to rehab. She also has dementia from normal pressure hydrocephalus. When she is in a nursing home, I type up huge signs to post in her room telling them she has dementia, cannot accurately answer questions, will probably refuse PT, etc. and telling them to call me on my cell phone. I talk to the nursing administrator and tell her that they are not to change my mom's meds without discussing it with me first. Last year when she was in a nursing home for rehab, she was talking crazy (UTI), they said she did not have a UTI and they ordered a psych eval and psych medication which they called me first to get my ok and of course I said absolutely not! Two days later, she was in the hospital with a systemic UTI positive for ecoli and mersa. and that was right after the nursing home said she did not have a UTI. She went to the hospital and I put her into a different nursing home after that. You have to be proactive when your loved one is in a nursing home. I was up to see my mom every day plus I paid her companion to spend a couple of hours a day to sit with mom (to be my spy). I managed her care and did not let them have control. They didn't like me and I don't care. Like you and your mom, I told them that I know my mom was old, but she was going to die on God's terms and not because of nursing home indifference/neglect. So far, I have managed to keep her alive and the nursing home staff fears me, and that is a good thing Good luck with your mom.
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I agree with Charles1921. I'm in the midst of trying to get my mom's medical records from a nursing home 2 years ago that was supposed to rehab her. Instead they gave her the wrong drug and it caused her to have a seizure. My mom NEVER had seizures in her entire life. That sent her back to the hospital and 4 months later she died because of the irresponsibility and negligence of the doctor who started it all and the case managers, nurses and the 1st nursing home. But lightedpumkin, there is more than one way to skin a cat. It's called social media and that can do more damage than filing a lawsuit. I'm still wanting to pursue a lawsuit but have come up against many roadblocks, but reading your story and the few others on here inspires me to do what I can through social media (and putting pressure on your state's lawmakers) to expose these crooks. I sincerely hope your mom recovers and you are able to thumb your nose at those who injured her. You're right, what goes around, comes around and they will get their due.
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I believe that many of us caregivers face this anger. I have never felt so much I have never felt such anger than over the past three years as I encountered my Mum's neglect and have shouldered the responsibility. Now I need to get others to take some of the responsibility from me without compromising Mum's care. This has been the most difficult experience of my life. So I really relate - in so many ways - how important it is to maintain your Mum's care - as it is SO much easier to provide the care in advance and maintain it consistently - and we CAN'T do it ALONE - or perfectly. In Canada the social service agencies don't provide much help - but they do some - unfortunately its time consuming and not personalized. Quite frankly they want my Mum to go into a home - once the care needs go above a fairly minimal level - as its cheeper for them to pay near minimum wage to a home - and have my Mum's life end sooner. These are the realities of the bigger story that surrounds us.
Use your anger - try not to loose your anger.
Ask yourself what's the bigger picture here and use your anger strategically - to make a change to more than your situation
Always work to see every possible point of view - understanding is power
I'm walking that fine edge now and I wish you well - hope it helps. ALL we can do has to be enough. And don't forget none of us are perfect - although we are doing a great job. We must avoid becoming Martyrs. That seems to be a caregiver trap.
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