How do I occupy my mother's time without me?

Hi Jill: When abused Caregivers speak, we listen, and many will respond to you. You will get a lot of opinions and advice, but then it is YOUR decision about what you must do.
You are obviously a victim of your Mother's psychological problems--whatever they may be--and so far, it sounds as if she has ruined your life. Just reading your post ruined a bit of my day, and I don't even know you. We see so much of that here, and being compassionate, responsible care givers ourselves, we very much want to help you resolve your situation.
Have you ever seen a counselor to help you "detach" for your own health? Part of the problem is your reaction to her. You know many people who are not in a similar situation, right? Because she got ahold of you at a very young age, you did not learn about BOUNDARIES. To me, it sounds like you are really her Siamese twin. First, you must get strong to separate from her, emotionally, then physically.
Speaking of the "things" you have purchased to occupy your Mother reminds me of all the things I used to do and containers I bought to try to help my daughter get her bedroom organized. I thought, If only I get the perfect item, she will use it and her room will be neat. hahaha Excuse me while I laugh--at myself. She is 23 now, a lovely young woman with heavy responsibilities in her job, lots of friends, amazing gifts--but she is still disorganized and I cannot stand to go to her apartment. Your Mother's rationale is not yours, for if it were, you would have a life and she would be cheering you on to have one!!!
I hope you realize she is victimizing you, and that YOU are the one in control of that. I am not saying it is easy after being ingrained for 48 years, but if you want your autonomy, you are going to have to decide to become an individual.
My heart aches for you--it reminds me of these poor women who were abducted and held against their will for years. Stolen life.
I hope you get the advice and support you need, Jill. The first step in a new direction is always very difficult, like getting ready to jump into a pool of very cold water: you wait for just the right moment when your fear leaves for a split second. You must dig down and find your will to live beyond this burdensome, unhealthy attachment. I wish you strength and peace, dear one. Hugs, Christina

Hi Jill,
My mother is the queen of the guilt trips so I understand your pain. I had to guit working to care for her 24/7 and it has really taken it's toll on my life and health. Now I don't think I could physically work unless the enconomy picks up to the point of supporting the real estate market again. I cannot do any lifting and even sitting at a computer for more than a few minutes hurts my back. So if you have a good job, hold on to it and if your health is relatively good, keep it that way.

Caregiving is incredibly hard whether you stay home with your charge or work and have to come home to it. Congratulate yourself for your self-sacrificing spirit and don't let her make you feel bad about yourself. If your mother is like mine and has parented by using guilt to keep you in line, she will definitely not change at this point. It will only get worse. Detach now! You are doing an amazing thing so you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. The only person you can change is you. Do it now before it's too late!

It sounds like your mom can walk some without falling, but then so can my mom. About half the time she can walk without assistance, but then at any given moment she will fall and injure herself. That is going to happen whether you are there or not. I'm here all the time and yet mom has fallen too many times to count and really hurt herself. Broken bones, skin tears and staples in her head. Don't feel guilty about her falls. She wants you to feel guilty enough to do what I did and quit working and stay home with her. I learned the hard way that that's not going to help her and may render you unfit to do anything else but care for her. And you'll be doing that in pain.

To tell someone to detach and not feel guilty when they have a lifetime of ingrained guilt is like telling a blind person to describe the color red. It's impossible for me at this point, I'm 60. Maybe at 48 you have a chance to change things. I'm just now learning to detach from SOME of the guilt. A shame I didn't do it sooner, but at least now,(that my physical health is in serious danger) I am making some small progress. I still walk beside mom, but I usually don't hold on to her, I let her do it. Again, one reason I don't hold on to her is that I've strained my rotator cuff and it's very painful to do so. Don't wait for that, go ahead and let her do it on her own and maybe just walk beside her. If she claims she needs to hold on to you, tell her it's better for you both if you just walk beside her.

If she has an income and you don't need it to pay your own bills, use it for day care or in home sitter. Get out at night! Make some friends and have a girls nite out at least once a month. Take a dance class (you don't need a partner, my son met his present wife at a dance class and they are very happy together) or join a book club, church, sewing group, anywhere there are people. Your job may be the first place to start.

As someone said once....don't do as I do, do as I say do. I am just now letting friends and family sit with mom so I can get out of the house. But I almost turned into a basket case before I let go of the guilt enough to do it. Mom pouts when I go, but I just let her do it and try to ignore it.

Sorry this was such a long post, but I can so identify with you and wish I could change your outcome. In some strange way it would make me feel I was changing mine.

Take care, I will be thinking of you.
Ann

Be strong for yourself Jill, now while you still can.

I appreciate this question, and the answers here, too. It's easy for us to believe our parents when they talk and act like it is OUR job to make them happy. And I think they may honestly believe that. But it's not. The only person eh can make that choice is you Mom. And she doesn't have a great track record in the department, does she? Finding the way to see her as separate from you...and the grace to say NO when she demands a yes...that's where you are being called right now. Her world can only be as big and vibrant as she chooses it to be. Whether you drive her to the mall, or whether she sits at home doesn't matter.

If the question you are actually asking is,"how do I get her to stop demanding these things of me," the answer is "you can't.". All you can do is draw boundaries even though she is asking. All you can do is take steps forward in your own life. Call one of the friends you've dropped. Go see a movie. Talk about anything except your Mom. Start to build your own life without her, and let her inevitable complaints be white noise. Sending you (and others in this boat) lots of love...

I'm so sorry for your difficulties right now. If the things we try don't work, we have to try other things. And it changes every darned day, but that's the way it is. One thing my mom's speech therapist told me many years ago was that I MUST stop allowing my mom to hang onto me when she walks. Your mom is clearly capable of walking unassisted when she is alone, don't allow her to do it when she is with you. Feels mean, but helps her.

Get her magazines to look at while you are at, for mom Country and Birds and Blooms have helped. She works large piece jigsaw puzzles. Have her fold her own clothes and put them away. If she doesn't do it willingly, you can at least try dumping them on her bed so they are in her way to see if it helps. And get someone to come in and stay with her or take her for an outing sometimes. If you can't afford this, look for resources to pay for it. If her husband was in the military, there may be a Veterans benefit that will pay for this. If you don't think she presently qualifies financially, you can move some of her money into your account so that she qill qualify, they don't have a 5 year look back period like Medicare does. Can you afford for her to go to a senior day care program? Was there a hobby she was once interested in? Provide the supplies for her to be involved in that. Will she take her photos and put them into photo albums? If you have provided things for her to do, and she refuses to do them, then you are no longer responsible for her boredom. Refuse to receive it.

My mom moved to the town I live in about 11 years ago, she is 89 now. We had a frank discussion that I couldn't be her sole source of entertainment. But as she has aged, she has become less outgoing or willing to put up with people who don't have exactly the same views as she does on everything, she also refuses to go to the senior center because she doesn't know anyone there. I know my situation is very different from yours, but sometimes it is helpful just to know you are not alone in your feelings. I too feel guilty for not being entertaining enough. I am also 48, have a full time job, and two children in middle and high school. I don't have alot of extra time. Sometimes, my Mom just has to be bored, I can't cure her boredom. You cannot cure your mom's boredom, you have tried, you have done your best, you cannot do better than your best. Try to go easier on yourself, you deserve it. Also, as far as the refusing to use the cane. I have told my mother that if she won't bring her cane, I won't take her. She also sometimes wears inappropriate shoes for where we are going. I tell her she can't go with me if she doesn't change her shoes, and guess what, she gets mad. Oh well, be mad. You are going to have to take a stand for yourself. You will still feel guilty, but you will have made a start. I really hope you find some time for yourself. Hang in there.

Please claim your life now while you can. Like you, I have been feeling the responsibility to care for my mother for decades. My mom has managed to make me believe that she was old and helpless since she was 60 - maybe even earlier. Now she is 90. She has several chronic conditions, including CHF, and she has lived with them for years. Jill, it is you and I who are the co-dependents. I became enmeshed in my mom's life, too, thinking I was responsible for protecting her from illness and financial strain, I was responsible for making sure she was not alone for weekends, holidays, I was responsible for her happiness. You can't live this way, it will catch up to you, your mom could live another 20 years. It sounds like your mom is living on her own. Why are you paying her expenses - can she not make ends meet? Maybe she needs to change her living situation to something she can afford so she is not financially draining you. Are you planning and saving for your own retirement? Sit down and start making some lists. What do you want your life to look like? How will you get there? Do you want to do some volunteer work one day a week, do you want to take a class, do you want to date, do you want to travel? How can you get these things done? Make a list of what you are really willing to do for your mom - this will be hard because you really have to think about which things you are doing now solely out of guilt and obligation. Do you want to end her financial dependence on you? Do you want to limit the amount of time you see her? Make a list of what makes you feel guilty and why. Let go of the guilt. You need to start questioning these so ingrained feelings and create some healthy boundaries and establish your own life. Yes, you will have to tell your mother about the changes you are making and you may need professional help to figure out how to do this but you have to get out of the enmeshment. Remember, a loving mother would not want you to give up your own life for her. Please take care of yourself, don't end up isolated and resentful, take care of your own life first. Seriously, please do this, please make your own life.

Jill and all members that have posted. My mom is 86 and has lived with us for the past 5 years. Lately, it has become more difficult. She is doing less and less physically and is looking for me and my husband for companionship. She too will not go to any senior centers. I too feel guilty, like you Jill, that she is so alone with no friends. The posts made me see that I do not need to feel guilty about her situation. Jill, you are providing her a safe home and she is not "alone" when you are home. I will have to say thank-you to all the posts it has made me feel better today that I am not alone. I just have to work on the "guilt" that I have when I don't feel like talking to her and spending time listening to her about subjects that I have no interest in. Good luck to all the caregivers out there!

suethequilter - I think all these posts have very good ideas but I have to disagree with you about moving some of the money into your own account to have Mom qualify for anything. This can cause a lot of legal problems which I'm sure Jill doesn't need on top of everything else. I hope I haven't turned her post into a different direction. Sorry.

Lots of helpful advice throughout all the posts, you definetly are not alone...makes me wonder if this is how many of us became caregivers for the difficult ones that we care for; Guilt, un-established boundaries, co-dependency to name a few.

The first step to recovery is to admit that "you" have a problem then want to change it and take the steps to do it. You may want to look into getting Counseling, you have lost a lot, don't you think it's time to regain your life? You owe it to yourself, you may be surprised, your Mom may actually feel a since of relief ( I'm an optimist) however, she will have no choice but to accept the new you...you are all that she has. You have and are doing a wonderful job!

I wish you well.

Jill, your mom has trained you well via emotional blackmail through Fear, Obligation and Guilt which has led to you not having a life. You are an emotionally abused and isolated person which tells me that you need some serious therapy to help you claim the life that it sounds like you never really had for your whole 48 years. It also sounds from your mom's jealousy that you did not fail at marriage twice, but that in reality, I bet your mother destroyed both of those marriages. Thus, I think you are way, way, way too hard on yourself. I think more marriages are destroyed by a spouse's parent or parents than we want to admit. You might need to remind yourself everyday that you are no longer your mother's little girl. No! You are your mother's adult daughter and despite your mom, you are going to live like one and have an adult life like one. I guess you can tell that your story has made me very angry and it did not even happen to me. Take care. Get therapy! Set boundaries and claim your life as an adult as well as leave being your mom's emotional and social slave.