Follow
Share

My father is healthy and up to a couple of months ago when his car broke down he was driving. My sister and I know about the 2 younger women and have discussed the fact that he was giving his money away but because he seemed to be in his right mind we left it alone. Before his care broke down his soc and retirement checks were gone by the middle of the month. Again it is his money. He lives with my sister who charges him nothing so he should have money. A few weeks ago my sister called me because one of the women had picked him up and when he was dropped back off his face was bruised, swollen and bleeding. She took to.the hospital. The police were called. Because he could not or would not say what happened there was nothing the police could do. We are pretty sure he did not fall because his clothing was not wet or dirty and we live where there is lots of snow right now. The police involved have told us that this women is not a good person and they are looking for her because of other charges against her. My father gets very upset with my sister and I because we have made a decision not to take him to the area this women lives in. Both women live close to each other. My sister and I don't want or need his money but we don't like seeing him taken advantage of. When we try to get him involved with activities with people his age he calls them old. Wondering at his age should we do what we think is right to keep him safe or should we let him do what makes him happy. A promise was made to my mom that we would take care of him after she died. I don't know what the right decision is. How in control should we be of his life when he seems to be in his right mind.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing

20 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
Fulfill your promise to mom by immediately seeking Guardianship. Once you have that, YOU can press charges or get an order of protection.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
You said he seems to be in his right mind I think you might need to rethink that. If he were in his right mind would he be with these kind of women? You need to have his assessed by a Doctor for dementia. Seek guardianship and stop these people from abusing your father. Even if he doesn't have dementia he is not making wise choices for himself you need to step in before you find your father in a ditch somewhere.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Your poor dad! Does he have a regular doctor, or does he see a geriatrics doc? It sounds to me as though it's time to have him evaluated by someone who specializes in the elderly. I would get information to the doctor before the appointment about dad's recent behavior and the danger that it presents.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
As Dad is no longer driving certainly don't take him anywhere dangerous. If either of the women turns up call the police immediately. He may yell and scream at you but you made a promise to Mom so keep it. If his money has gone by the middle of the month do not help him out. If he really is in his right mind he may have learned his lesson this time. I can understand his wish not to be made to mix wwith others his own age, it can be very depressing. Does he have any hooies he can persue on his own or maybe join a club or class with mixed age groups.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
You are right not to take him to see these questionable ladies. Unfortunately it will be a loss for him. Try to distract him, maybe new activities.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Was your dad upset about being assualted? These people should be held accountable for elder abuse. There must be some kind of dementia if he tolerated the abuse and still wants to see these women. He needs out of the situation before they become more abusive. Power of attorney would be best.
Good luck, this has to be hard for you and your sister. Be sure to take time for you.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I wouldn't be happy either if this was happening to my dad. I care for my dad since my mom passed. Abuse is abuse no matter the age or the mental ability. When was the last time your dad saw his doctor? He needs to go and receive a complete checkup, including an assessment of his mental abilities. One of (or both) of you can go with him, you may want to call the doctor's nurse ahead of time and tell her what has been going on so she can inform the doctor prior to his appointment. This way you don't have to go into detail in front of dad. Dad may be lonely for female companionship or it may make him feel good about himself when younger women are fawning over him. Nonetheless, this is a concern, especially if he was beaten by someone and his money is disappearing. If you are looking at guardianship, then your father must see 2 doctors for the statements that are needed for the court, 1 a medical doc and the other a psychiatrist. A guardianship is the last resort and is the most restrictive. A guardianship will give the guardian/conservator the authority to manage the medical and financial affairs and decide where the protected person is to live. If he is able and willing he can meet with an attorney and draw up a durable power of attorney for medical and financial. After his doctor's appointment, depending on what the doc tells you about his mental capacity, you would need to speak with an attorney who can explain all the options. It may be good for dad to get him involved with other people, how about a local senior center or an adult medical day care? What about church activities or other volunteer opportunities? Dad may still want to know he is valuable, no matter how old we get we still need human interaction. What about volunteering at the local hospital, local day care, library reading program or animal shelter? Continue to show your dad you love and support him no matter what happens. I am one to promote self direction, however the relationship your dad has with the 2 ladies is not a productive relationship and he is being taken advantage of. It needs to stop. Good luck.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Hippocampal sparing Alzheimer's is harder to detect.... Poor judgment and inappropriate behavior are clues.... Your dad might have the mentality of a 14-year-old, and to some might appear competent. But would we want a 14-year-old on their own? Your dad needs help. Good luck.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
First, given your Dad's behavior, it's pretty clear that he has some degree of dementia. It is possible to seem very "with it" in some, or even most, areas, and still be greatly affected in others. Not that you have to go hunting for a definitive diagnosis, but you should approach things with dementia in mind.

Obviously, I'm only guessing based upon what you've shared, but I have a hunch Dad is just attracted to the attention and diversion these women provide. Being old is boring.

I'd try to get him involved in a day program for seniors. If he hits it off with anyone there, he may be willing to go a few (or hopefully more) days a week. If there is no good program near you, try to find some other social outlet for him. Apparently, the attention of women is appealing to him even if it's accompanied by abuse. Fortunately, at most senior centers, men are in short supply. That can lead to lots of attention.

Ideally, if he had the funds, I'd move him into an independent senior living apartment. There'd be plenty of activity to keep him going and he'd be sure to find friends to share meals with and just "shoot the breeze" with.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
You a re underestimating him don't forget older people still enjoy companionship and yes sex (don't blame his actions on dimenthia) and quit treating him like he is to old to cut the mustard
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
"Dad, I'm not taking you anywhere until I hear a sensible explanation of how you came to be so bashed up. If there was no harm in it, why won't you tell us what happened?" Then your sister folds her arms and hides her car keys.

If either of those two ladies is worthwhile, they'd be on the phone making concerned enquiries about how he's doing - and IF that happens you can always relent later. If not, good riddance to them. Sort him out some lively company with broad-minded ladies who are as lonely as he is, there's no shortage; but don't insult him with "age appropriate" activities. Remember that one day you and I will have those inflicted on us, and frankly I'd rather stick red hot needles in my eyeballs than sing along to badly played show tunes.

Meanwhile, your sister should keep a weather eye on him for any other changes in personality or behaviour, which need reporting to his PCP a.s.a.p. I'm delighted that he hasn't lost his taste for a rip-roaring time, but unless he was always like that it should ring alarm bells.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Bruised, swollen, bleeding face? Papa's now into S & M, especially the M? That sounds like a dangerous and exploitative situation.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Leakey its not about cutting the mustard or enjoying sex and companionship these women are known by the police and are taking his money and bringing him home with injuries. He may or may not have dementia but he is making poor choices for himself with safety in mind.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Well it could be - or he could have slipped and fallen on virtually any indoor surface and been too embarrassed and annoyed to say so. No one likes to make a fool of himself in front of his bit on the side. My mother had a small fall onto a carpeted floor and looked like someone had taken a sledgehammer to her - it really doesn't take much to make a terrifying-looking mess of elderly skin.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
The point is you don't know what's going on, and the part you do know is worrisome. Yes, be respectful of his autonomy, but HELLO, THAT RESPECT GOES BOTH WAYS. This is something I often see missing in the dilemmas that caregivers talk about here, namely, there is a relationship here, between the daughters and the dad. On the one hand we caregivers reasonably want to (and in fact must) respect the elder's autonomy -- but that doesn't mean standing by without a word while dangerous things happen and it certainly doesn't mean helping to make dangerous things happen. In the other direction, the elder wants to retain as much control of his life as possible -- but that doesn't mean failing to communicate with people who love him and are trying to help. It's funny to notice this, but we caregivers often put ourselves in a position where we have to act like the adult, but we still think it's ok to be treated like children. Where is the peer-to-peer discussion? Ok, fine, our elders may not automatically treat us like peers, but that doesn't mean it isn't time for everybody to grow into that kind of interaction. Bottom line, if an elder is still capable of making decisions he's ALSO capable of an adult interaction where decisions are explained if not taken collaboratively. And if he's not capable of an adult interaction then he's likely headed toward not being capable of making decisions on his own. The piece missing right now is sane, grown-up conversations between adults of two generations.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I am with CM on the senior activities. iItoo will take the red hot needles to the eyeballs.
Of course Dad still wants a bit of hanky panky whether he is capable or not but I won't get into what the younger generation thinks is appropriate for us elders. It is well known that men who have affairs and are financially abused are too ashamed to take action against the perpetrator and do their best to hide their transgressions. As I posted earlier it is just possible that Dad learned his lesson this time. there is certainly something he does not want the daughters to find out.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
He is not in his right mind!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Hard to judge...he might just be starved for companionship and making poor choices...giving these women money or treating them makes him feel like the big man on campus or the virulent provider he once was or wishes to see himself as.

Sit him down and try to have logical but frank discussion on how dating has changed and can be dangerous. Next tell him if he lives with you and continues down this road and puts YOUR family at risk (maybe one of these women will come to your house and steal, get your personal info etc) that he will have to move elsewhere or agree to have him contribute to expenses and you safe keep that money....give him an allowance.
Not sure any of this will work, but threatening that he will need to move may straighten him up or he may really move. Get him involved at senior center, bluebird trips, church, etc where he can meet others and occupy his time, maybe meet a more appropriate female companion that you can welcome in your home.
Good luck.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
🏦💒 liamalove(or whatever you call youself) do not be so judgmental until you have walked a mile in that persons shoes
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
My heart goes out to you because I know how difficult this is. When my Dad was in his 80s he started giving money to young women. It was anything from wiring hundreds of dollars at a time to someone in another country to paying for the repairs on the car of a woman who bagged his groceries. It made him feel good to think he was helping people. I fussed with him about it a bit, but like you allowed this to go on because he had sufficient money to take care of himself. However, there was a point it went too far.

There are resources who can help you. In each State, there are elder advocates. When a person we had hired to be a companion to Dad was having him pay for things that were not appropriate (e.g. clothes and manicure /pedicures), I took him to meet with an advocate. She told him that her responsibility was to him, not to me or anyone else. That was good because she made it clear she was not there to support what I wanted. She then told him an example of someone who had signed away his vehicle to a young woman who he thought cared for him.

My sister and I then met with the caregiver at a public location and requested that she stay away from Dad. He was very angry with me and told me I was trying to ruin his life. It was horrible because we were close and I wanted him to be happy. The now former caregiver then contacted him secretly and since he was living alone we were unaware of what was happening. We learned that she was back in the picture when we hired someone to live with him to help around the house and with cooking, and to be a companion and go do fun activities. He fired her and threw her out of the house because the former caregiver had been staying there some of the time. What was most insidious about the situation is the former caregiver was clearly coaching him to hide what was happening. If there was one thing that put me into super protective mode it was to try to get between me and my Dad. In the end, we did what you have done and removed him from the situation where this person could get easy access.

Because of this, I would encourage you to keep your Dad living with your sister. He can be active and get out and do things, and if he gives his money away, he'll still be safe and cared for. If he is living in independent or assisted living, you have no idea where he goes or with whom. At the same time, I would try to find activities that he can do on his own so he has some autonomy. Once in his 90s, Dad enjoyed going on weekly excursions with a local group that plans activities for people with disabilities. They qualified him because he was "unsteady" on his feet. Though most were older, they did things like going canoeing, to the rodeo, to the movies, and camping. It was not just playing bingo. He made friends and enjoyed himself.

I hope something in all of that is helpful.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter