My dad retired 5 years ago & told me that the day he did mum told him it's now his turn to look after her. He does everything for her. Cook, clean, shop, cups of tea. 4 years ago dad attempted suicide & I see now that mum has attributed to this. He won't leave her because he loves her. She wants them to move 14 hours away to live in my town so they can be close to my son & me. My mum is so so bitter. I am the only child out of 5 who has talked to her in 20 years. Mum hates everyone, is so negative but sugar costs it or talks in codes around my 8 year old son - because I told her to stop. If dad dies there is no way mum could go out & pay bills or but food as she doesn't drive or walk or catch a bus - she's very anti social. I don't want this kind of life for my son & I. We are happy & having them living close would change our lives for the worse. I have told them that I don't know where I'll be in 10 years when my son leaves home. But by the next phone call she talks about moving up here again. She is very controlling & has been my whole life. Please help me. I don't know what to do. I'm only 45 and they're 67 & 70.
Five children and no relationship with any of them, She must be a real piece of work.
Mother: …so we want to move closer to be near you and our grandson…
Sister: Well you're not coming here! If you move here, I'm moving away.
(followed by Never Apologise, Never Explain)
She doesn't believe in beating about the bush, you see. Forms her suspicions early on, then gets her retaliation in first.
Yes, I do kind of admire it. No, I don't think it's the greatest way to be towards other people, especially not our nearest and dearest hem-hem.
But. Now, then. The thing is, that is actually the truth of what we need your parents to understand. That quite frankly you would rather live in a tent on a mud flat than have them living within regular eyeshot of you. And so, it becomes a matter mainly of phrasing. Now you can make excuses, with more or less credibility to it, but unless you're awfully good at that it will wear you down over time. And your mother doesn't sound like the type to give up easily.
So, what about the short sharp shock? Not cruel, but very clear about what YOU want. Mother, my little boy is my priority and I will not accept responsibility for your or Dad's long term care. For that reason, I don't want to be living too close to you.
You could try writing down a few different versions of it, but what you need to deliver is that key Home Truth. You WILL not have them landing on you.
But that's only half of the story. Wow! - your Dad attempted suicide? Was that attributed to post-retirement depression, and he's supposed to be all better now? I hesitate to ask, but what was and is your mother's take on this?
I wouldn't be totally astonished if she viewed it as attempted betrayal of her, for which he is now - quite rightly. she thinks - very sorry and has promised Never To Do That Again.
Um. What about researching good supported living options for the two of them in their current neighbourhood? If you concentrate on your Dad's welfare, making him the principal client, you don't need your mother's permission to discuss possibilities with professional advisers. Have a good look, and be imaginative, at what's available to them where they are.
Really hard. What you'd be trying to accomplish is support for your father while dodging your mother. Hard to get at him while she's in the way.
What does she say about him in general? Does she believe that she is a loving and devoted wife who gives him his whole sense of purpose? Since she's retired from housekeeping, what does she do with her time?
Wonderful advice here from everyone. Zdarov - your point about finding studies that moving later in life is disorienting, etc. is brilliant. Saying that you aren't sure where you'll be in a year let alone ten is the truth. None of us knows the future.
You must think of your son and that means taking care of yourself. Some parent/child relationships are so toxic that the adult children must step back and let the "system" work, even if that means trips to the ER or 9-1-1 calls.
Please keep in touch and let us know how you are handling this difficult situation.
Carol
It saddens me to hear adult children talk so horribly about their parents. I am the youngest of five and I can't say that I got a whole lot of attention growing up nor can I say that we had much of anything. But as I look back (both of my parents are long gone), I realize "Wow. They must have been tired. No wonder Dad didn't smile so much. No wonder Mom didn't have friends."
I would suggest at least one night of sincere prayer to ask the Lord to guide you in making the right decision. I would suggest that you put yourself in both of their situations and ask your self what would you have your child do for you when you are 70 years old and not happy with your circumstances.
Just sayin ...
More importantly, mom wont get her own cup of tea, you suspect she will not pay her bills, if dad does pre-decease her, why would she be able to find a new home and move? She will look to you to take over. When/if this happens, you need to stay strong, and only do what you are willing. After the funeral, you can stay a few days, but not bring her home. Help her hire a caregiver or agency, Set her up for meals on wheels. Maybe take over her finances LONG DISTANCE. Bills can be routed to you and payments made online. Or if she has funds, perhaps you can get her into assisted lived. You said she would not walk or catch a bus, I did not understand that to be that she is immobile, I assume she could get around the house.
She does not sound like she has the wherewithall to show up at your front door, you will need to take charge.
I am guessing she is classic bully and does not hear the truth very often, could be good for her to hear.
I feel sorry for your poor father though. Do you not think it would do him good to be near you?
(Can't quite believe some of the responses I am seeing on here, supposed to be a site for 'carers', not 'I don't care-ers'... sounds like you are trying to dump unwanted pets!)
Grandkids do mellow people, she clearly responded to your request to to tone it down around him, so you do seem to have the balls to tell her off.
Maybe you son is the one to tame her? (Mine has melted my dad's pretty frigid heart. Total surprise)
You are not the kid anymore, you don't have to take any of her crap. Always say what is on your mind, don't let it simmer.
(First time I told my dad to shut up was an epiphany! He actually rang me to apologise for him being rude! Who knew that's what it took?)
They are not Gods, they are just people, with flaws. Talk to her like you are equals, she'll get the hang of it.
'Don't be such a b*tch, mum' would possibly work a treat!
If they do move closer (maybe agree on it being about a 30 mins commute maybe so close enough for regular visits, but far enough to avoid unplanned popovers)
My historically strained relationship with my domineering and previously cold father has totally evolved since I had my son, and since my dad hit 80. We still have our moments, but I would not swap the last 10 years.
Grow a backbone and stand up to her.
See what happens.
You hold the cards.
Don't engage in talk of what your parents' moving plans might be. You can't control that and that's your mom's weapon. Take it away from her by making yourself a moving target. Never mention that you don't want her moving near you, just periodically bring up in conversation the move you're planning. Vary the destination and keep the timing vague but imminent - "we would want to move before school starts" or something similar.
It could be a little bit of fun, dabbling in searching out locations. And, hey, you might even accidentally find a place you actually want to move to : )
I am totally with you on this on...I'm youngest of six, and a single (working) parent of one, and it is exhausting... ONE! - how my mother coped with 6 is beyond me!
After raising 5 kids, I think she was probably entitled to a bit of a break when your dad retired.
So what if he made her cups of tea? Why the h*ll shouldn't he?
Men don't attempt suicide because they have to make cups of tea or look after their wives. (My 89 yr old dad has been fulltime 'carer' for my invalud 85 year old mum for 4 years, refused any external professional help (is lucky to have have 3 daughters on tap who want to help!! 3 sons do bog-all, totally selfish - I am not looking forward to my old age with only one son to look after me, I'm booking myself into a warden assisted place as soon as I hit 70 after seeing how hard it is for kids to look after parents !!!)
Your parents both sound deeply unhappily married?
With the kids all gone, and him retired, they have no more distractions from the fact that they probably should never have married in the first place? Maybe you mum's bitterness stems from feeling trapped in a loveless marriage with 5 kids?
Have you asked her?
Sounds to me like they need marriage guidance/ a divorce? May make both of them happier in their twilight years? Sure as hell doesn't sound like they make each other happy.
If your gut reaction is horror and dread at the thought of her living close to you, then you should listen to your gut and protect yourself and your son from being drawn int her web of negativity and entitlement.
If they want to move nearby you can't stop them, but you can limit contact with her. Help your dad, if you want. Look into assisted living for them. But don't, I repeat, DON'T think you're obligated to become an unpaid servant and general dogsbody for your mother because "society" expects you to.
You can pray all you want, but remember what the Bible says about reaping what you sow. Your mom is now reaping what she sowed throughout her life. I expect that when you are her age, your son will be willing to help you out of love and not out of some idea that he owes it to you, because you treated people much better than your mother did.
That you are the only sibling who talks to the parents is telling as well.
However, if they move they move. You can ignore them living in the same town --plenty of adult children do.
At 45 years old, if is a same to not at least have some relationship with them that isn't toxic. Regarding the son, I am not sold telling him to ignore the elderly
grandparents is really a good role model either. Otherwise expect the same lack of concern for you when you are 65+ years old.
Finally, your parents are not that old as senior citizens go. My father retired at 65 years but died at 93 years (so a 28 year retirement). I would suggest purchasing long term care policies for one or both of them. If you don't want or can't care for them if the need help in the home, the long term care policy will allow you to hire home health aides to be with them. If the other 4 siblings agreed to chip in on the long term care policy, it would be a real advantage as they are not cheap---but well worth the money when the chips are down. Over 80 most companies will not write the policy and rates are lower the younger you are when it starts.
Good luck. Like some earlier responders, your post awakens me to how fortunate I was to have the parents I did. Sorry your luck with parents was not
what it should have been---but sometimes we have to move beyond our childhood and act in a way we would want to be treated in old age. I recognize this could be a tall order.
How about if we all agree to take people at their word when they come seeking affirmation and advice?! Sorry, but comments condemning adult children for not being grateful enough for their parents' sacrifices really get my blood boiling.
You have NO way of judging the dynamics of someone else's family. All you know is what they say and that they came here for help.
It's one thing to try to offer objective insight, but it's quite another to try to shame them into martyrdom for being honest about their feelings towards their parents.
Here's a truth that can't be argued (every little kid has shouted it at their mom at some point) "I didn't ask to be born." Whether our parents are loving and doting or neglectful and destructive, we didn't ask them to take on the job and didn't get to dictate how they performed it.
How much or how little we decide to help them when they're helpless is way too personal an equation for an outsider to judge.
It would most certainly have got me off the hook…
HaveSeenAlot, it is perfectly true that when we look back on our parents' parenting skills, we need to cut them considerable slack. I now understand much better that my parents had a lot on their plates, and a lot on their minds, and a great many other factors at play. But when one of those factors, as in Family's case, is a woman who has either alienated or cowed every one of her close family except for this one, hanging on grimly for who knows what reason (I suspect it's anxiety about her father, as much as filial duty); in that case then to understand all, while it might still be to forgive all, cannot mean to continue to accept all. Change is overdue. Expectations are in urgent need of correction.
Family of3's mother might as well have put up a banner saying Coming Ready Or Not. What most of us are trying to help her figure out is a fair and humane way of telling her mother - and giving ample notice, mark you - that she won't play this game.
Raising children is in no way equal to caring for a bitter old woman. She is still quite capable of fixing whatever is wrong. My mother is great with others and is a Jeckle and Hyde with family.
I have yet know a Wonderful, loving mother who all of her children abandoned. Just the opposite. So cut Familyof3 some slack. Just because you are old and raised a House full of kids doesn't mean you did a good job of it.
And I really hate the "pray about it" comments. Maybe Familyof3 has prayed about it.