My parents want to live close to me, I can't think of anything worse. Any advice?

HaveSeenALot, Don't judge until you've walked a mile in her shoes. The fact that none of the other siblings have spoken to their mother in years should give you some indication of what this woman is like, and what she is capable of doing to ruin the relationship between Familyof3 and her son. I think MaggieMarshall had an excellent idea about telling them your probably going to be moving, keep reinforcing that idea every time you speak to them.

I think there's a big difference between a parent being tired from parenting five children and a mother who has lost contact with four out of five. In a good relationship you'll have that give-and-take and respect boundaries. Something is off if most of the offspring has no relationship with the parent.

Familyof3, oh my gosh, your parents are young... they are my age, and neither one has any physical disability so I can't understand why someone would post to have your parents go into assistant living.

Your Mom is having your Dad wait on her because after 40+ years, I assume, she was tired on waiting on him and the children. And your Dad after working 40+ years outside of the home got depressed because he was no longer going into work, being around his co-workers, etc.

I suggest that your Dad find a part-time job or do volunteer work to make him feel like he is really needed in a different way. Maybe your Mum can join him in the volunteer work. The just might find a new outlet :)

My parents live literally just around the corner from me in their own single family house. They had their own life, I had mine, and it wasn't until Dad stopped driving that I needed to start to help them.

If your parents do move, you will need to immediately have to set boundaries.

What I suspect is that mom has a certain amount of dementia already and Dad is covering for her, as spouses will do. Usually the caregiver dies first, of sheer exhaustion or depression. Sorry to say that, but it's Dad who is at risk.
As far as moving near you, if you say NO she will become insistent. So you tell her you are looking for the perfect place near her. You just never find it and besides, you are saving for college expenses. No lie there.

I agree with the response that said you can't stop them from living nearby, but you can control your contact with them/your mother. It will not be easy, but it is possible to keep very strict boundaries. It will feel very unfair but no one ever said life was fair. What's important is keeping your life sane.

I like the idea of getting them into as assisted living. There is more care available and she will have to deal with people with whom she may be more pleasant. If not, she will be asked to live somewhere else.

I would be straight up with her from the git-go. I would not tell her you don't know where you'll be. Let her know that if she chooses to move closer to you, you won't be doing her care, you won't be coming over on a daily or perhaps weekly basis.

She sounds like an extremely difficult person. If I were in your shoes, I would get a really good therapist that can help you decide what boundaries you need and help you stay true to them. You have your son and yourself to take care of. That is a big job, especially if that primarily falls on your shoulders. If you go down the tubes with sanity or health, who takes care of your son?

I would venture to guess that your mother hears very little of what you say. I would put it in writing. Keep it brief. Learn to use pat phrases that you say over and over in order to be clear. Like, I hear that you would like.... I am not going to do that. That is what the therapist can help you with.

Mom's like this live in our heads more than in our actual lives. That is where the most damage can be done to yourself. I hope something I have said will be helpful. I empathize. I really do.

I am amazed at the ease with which so many of you advise an "assisted living facility." Not only are they expensive so that few can afford them, the care in many of them, no matter how expensive, is atrocious!

instead of assisted living perhaps there is an over age 55 apartment complex they could move to?

I like the idea of the over 55 complex or assisted living (the ones in our area are resort like). They will have social interaction, activities (onsite and offsite) and transportation available. You can visit as often as you want and be a happy visitor for those short periods of time. It appears when the elders are able to make this move while in good health, it does turn out to be a very positive move.

I've seen friends' parents who were lonely, no interest in doing anything because they lost their spouse change into social, happy people after their moves into assisted living. One lady said "assisted living is freedom". Life is an attitude! Good luck!

My parents moved 500 miles to be near me. My Mom had a serious stroke less than a week after arriving in my town. They were staying with me for a few days before their house closing. My mother never moved into their house. She lived in a nursing home for 4.5 years before passing away a few months ago. Now I am caring for my Dad. The only friends he made were in the nursing home. Now he is lonely and I feel so responsible. We made him stop driving so I do a lot for him. I think the stress of moving may have contributed to her stroke. A good reason to suggest that a move is a big deal. Changed my entire life in a split second. My heart goes out to you. I love my Dad but I did not sign up for this adventure. I have my own family with two teenagers to raise. Good luck!

Please listen to yourself; you have already answered your own question. My mil moved across the street, I am 42 and she is 80. It is a roller-coaster of madness. Nothing is ever good enough. My life is not my own. Save yourself while you still can. You and your child come first. You just be the best mum yourself and when your grand babies come along one day, remember to be a positive influence for them.

WOW. I read about your problem because I thought I had a similar one. But yours is worse, except for the ages of your parents. I am their age and have a 91-year-old mother to worry about (COPD and Dementia). At 67, I so not think of myself as frail and requiring care, nor am I ready to pick up and move to be near MY daughter. If I were you, I would fight the move and at the same time, start making plans with your siblings to jointly care for your mother and father as they grow older even if all are willing to share is the financial part of the burden.

Still stunned at this post and some of these responses... let's hope your kids don't adopt your attitude and treat you like lepers when you get older!
You are on the wrong website, this is an advice site for Carers (the clue is in the URL), not folk desperate to avoid caring for their aging relations.

"Aging Care" doesn't always mean one has to be hand-on care, but can also care from a far. There are some of us who are not cut out to be Caregivers and need advise on what to do.... and some of us who want to be Caregivers but because of our age and health find it too exhausting, thus also need advise.

Ditto freqflyer

We all have different needs and skills.
Some parents just did not parent well and their children have moved on to mend their lives in the best way they
can. We have not walked in others
shoes and do not know what someone
may have endured as a helpless child in a very dysfunctional home. Sometimes distance is the best way to love someone.

Maybe it's just my situation or maybe it's common with others from dysfunctional parent/ child relationships, but it seems that children in such families begin caring for/ taking care of parents far earlier than those in functional families. For some, it starts when you're a child and you're made to feel that you're somehow responsible for making sure your mom isn't sad or unhappy or lonely. This carries into adulthood and you find yourself dealing with the normal but unpleasant or difficult things so your parent doesn't have to ( or flat won't take care of). By the time normal caregiving would be starting, you're on empty and the emotional thrashing continues. So you do what you need to to be able to take care of your family and yourself...you start to detach.

Maybe Familyof 3 is looking ahead and seeing herself getting pulled into this premature care taking role.

YOS, some women are toxic b*tches, but unfortunately that does not stop them from having children. Then one day they too, witches though they are, become old and frail and need care. And their children, being loving children, will do their best to provide it. But that does not have to include living with them, or near them, and in some cases definitely MUST not include close contact.

I look after my mother 24/7. She is not toxic, she is very sweet, but she was a wholly inept and neglectful parent to four children so believe me this is not a reciprocal arrangement. More to the point, when her mother was old and frail she did nothing for her. Nothing. Not even visit. Because she was a terrible daughter? No. Because she was a frightened little girl even at the age of 68 and dreaded her mother's criticism.

If your mother is a regular lady, I am very happy for you. From Family's account of her mother, it is clear that her personality is rather different from that. Some people you do not invite over the threshold.

Just please accept that there are myriad ways of caregiving, and we are all doing our best.

Linda, your insight is spot on! And CM, I just love your phrase "regular lady". There are families is who live in close quartered, multigenerational households without too much drama, and then there are the rest of us. Most of us need some sense of privacy and down time. If your relationship with your parents has been based on a lifetime of mutual respect, and if your parent's ailments are physical, in home caregiving might work, with help brought in. But when a parent is mentally ill and/or has dementia, the picture looks much different and professional caregivers are a much better choice for everyone's long term outcome.

Thank you all for your wonderful advice. It has helped me immensely. I am sorry if I'm on the wrong website - I just didn't know where else to go. I appreciate all your time replying to me

Familyof3...you aren't on the wrong website. More people should come here before hand to get insight through others experiences. Yes, there are some on here that get on their high horse and say discouraging things. Just take it for what it's worth and move to the next response. There is a ton of caring and wisdom filled people here.

I am the daughter of a mother whose mother lived just down the street. My grandmother was a bitter, hateful woman who insisted on as much company in kind as she could manage. She made my Mother's life miserable, with her cruelty and as soon as I was old enough she started in on mine.My Mom's sister left home at 16, moved about 500 miles away and far as I know spoke to her mom only on Christmas at our house. It wasnt til I became an adult that my Mom shared with me how she struggled to keep her family away from her mother. I could only remember a couple of times hearing my parents talk about moving to Calif (from WI) . My Mom said it was an almost constant argument, but my Dad did not want to leave his Mom alone.(his Dad was gone)
All of that is just to say Protect your child and protect yourself.
Bitterness is so contagious and it ruins lives. It re-creates itself in others very quickly.
At this point and at your ages, it doesnt really matter who,did what to whom and why. Knowing the whys doesnt change the facts. And it wont change how she treats you, or how she will treat your son.
I dont believe that we 'owe' our lives to our parents. Like someone else said...just because they raised us doesnt mean they did it well or out of love.
Good luck and God Bless

Please do not allow your parents to move near you. All that you say indicates your mother will suck the life out of you. Keep you and your son safe from your mother. As you noted, your dad has suffered greatly from your mother's behavior. Make up anything, job transfer, new boyfriend, ANYTHING, do not let her move near you. Your life will be over. Your son does not deserve to be drug into this potential guilt trip your mother is ready to ensue upon you. Think of your son as well as yourself. You both deserve a life.

Having a husband who kow-tows to his mother is pretty annoying, esp. if she has been a horrible mother, mother-in-law and grandmother. But I can match it! What about a step-mother-in-law, now widowed, who couldn't stand the sight of her husband's grown children from 1974 to date? Or his grandchildren? I will refer to her as SMD for Step Mommie Dearest. Only two (of four) of the adult children are still alive. My husband and his sister come up with the interest, deference, loyalty, SMD never showed anyone but their father. In contrast, I thank God for caller-id. She's been telephoning on a daily basis lately because our daughter is getting married and she wants to attend the wedding and needs a daily repeat of her travel arrangements. Why does she even want to attend, I ask myself ? She never liked my daughter, me or my husband and from what a former caregiver says, the main point of seeing us is so she can bad-mouth all of us later, me the least perhaps, so odd. I think it's a power thing and I know that no matter what we do, we will all fall short. What a thing to be thinking two days before the wedding. Also, 3 days, 4 days, 5 days etc. Two concrete examples from her pre-dementia days. First example: when my kids were little (2 and 4), they picked flowers for a bouquet to give their grandfather and SMD from their yard. A month later, my husband's father told us that our family would no longer be welcome at their house because of the picking of the flowers and this held for two years with me doing all family entertaining at my house meanwhile.I'd always done at least half, me, a working mother with two kids -- the only mother and only full-time working woman in this family within hundreds of miles. Decades later, my father-in-law took to ambling through his neighborhood picking flowers from the yards of his friends and neighbors on a daily basis. In SMD's view, that was the most charming thing she'd ever heard of. It was never what someone did with SMD, it was who they were when they did it -- from flower picking to giving a gift to bringing a hot dish to even speaking. Second example: before I annoyed her by having children, she used to tell me that I should leave my fulltime job three hours early on Fridays so that I could go down to her house for a weekly party she used to give. My late brother-in-law and his widow actually complied, for decades driving down at 1:00 p.m. to work her parties (they may have been paid -- like my father-in-law and SMD, they preferred using drugs and drinking too much for real jobs). Because my husband worked late on Fridays almost always (three day weekends were the worst), we never attended these parties. My husband had the only family car because of his crap working hours and I was on the bus. I was supposed to walk off my job every week so I could catch a ride with my husband's brother and his wife. A couple of times, I told her we would never be able to attend these events because they were on Fridays, but that we'd be available on Saturdays. I said that before I realized that I was being invited to serve rather than to be a guest -- my sister-in-law clued me in MUCH LATER. She thought it was hilarious that I thought SMD invited us to do more than wait on her real guests, then clean up. I was so naive back in the day. Interestingly, SMD has quarreled with or been forgotten by almost of all the people who used to go to these parties, or so says my widowed sister-in-law who up until a year ago was still cleaning SMD's house. By the way, my husband's mother died five years before his father moved in with SMD. There was an intervening wife. My husband was 20 when his mother died of breast cancer. The second wife was despised by all even though after the divorce from despicable wife #2, wife # 2 kept my much high school age sister-in-law in her home until she went to college. I do not defend my father-in-law's conduct. The longer I have been a parent myself, the more I marvel at it.

BeFree, yeuch! If there's one thing that makes me spit it's grown adults having a problem with a small child, being unable to explain it nicely, and then being spiteful and bitchy about it afterwards. Despicable.

My husband's family puts the "dys" in "dysfunctional." Not that I claim my own family is better. Narcissism and drug abuse -- family traditions for other people that you really, really hate. Well, actually I don't wish those traditions on anybody. I wish for more effective medications.

Wow. I wished my folks had moved near me when we could have enjoyed their comapny and maybe skipped those awful long-distance caregiving years. I also had a mom who was much less simpatico than my dad, who criticized and made people miserable in many ways; she preferred my son and everything he said and did was golden, but treated my daughter mor liek she did me, with tons of criticism. My daguther simply would not take it from her and as a result they did not have as much contact (though not zero) and I realized maybe I was not the one at fault for finding mom so difficult, which actually helped me deal better with her.

BUT, this situation is different - and it is not likely just the poster trying to shirk or not caring. Worse still, the dad is the one who could be hurt most. He may be very very happy and very effective doing what he is doing now where he is familiar with everything; and the likelihood is that mom assumes that her moving would mean her getting all kinds of time and attention from the poster, since she just about used dad up and can't suck him dry any more. Steering clear of people who just expect and demand to be taken care of, or at least protecting yourself in some reasonable way when you do care about them and want them in your life is not selfish, it's self preservation.

My mum is a malignant narcissist, recently widowed, recently predeceased by her "Golden Child" both of whom she controlled. She parted ways with her eldest child when that child (as a teen) chose to stay with his father's side of the family rather than move across the country with mum and her 3rd husband (my dad).

We NEVER went to visit eldest child. Eldest child visited twice (once ~ 35, again ~ 45, he's ~ 60 now). Golden Child was pretty much cut off from GC's father's side of the family. GC never got away, although he tried. GC married 3x. Mum hated them all. Made life miserable. Mum hated eldest's wife, too. They are childless.

GC had one child during a brief union. Mum made a play to get the baby, but failed, so it was as if baby did not exist. Now that baby has 3 children and is an adept manipulator. So almost 30 years later, (deceased) GC's child is the new GC.

As for me, I moved away right after college and visited rarely. Got coupled, we had a child. Mum HATES spouse (surprise!), wanted to raise my baby (absolutely absurd), wants visits (minus spouse), etc.

I braced myself for impact when father and GC died, b/c mum has no friends (never did, too jealous of females) and has mostly venom for her relatives. One day, she rang up, totally manic, informed me that she was packing up to move and live with us. (In 30 years, mum and dad visited 2x--not re grandchild's birth, either.) Spouse was just going to have to move out--just her "blood" would live together. (Mind, spouse and I are almost 10 years on and our child not far behind!)

I flipped. I was a terrified little girl again. The grapevine said she intended to try to wrest legal custody of our child and put us on the street. I had NEVER left her alone with child for a MOMENT, so custody was just not going to happen. Told her I would have her arrested (b/c I KNOW she never drives far w/o a loaded gun, illegal where we live). I knew she would not fly (hasn't for 40 years--she cannot deal with the loss of control (so no family vacations for us, no new females for father to meet!). I don't know half of what I said, but OMG, did my self-protector (and my child's protector) rise up and say with no room for negotiation, "NO, and if you trespass, I WILL keep you out of our home, and if you refuse to leave town, WE will move to parts unknown."

Absolute terror was what I felt, even though the notion was preposterous for countless reasons. My mum took my childhood. She took another 15 years when I decided to find my true self in analysis, stumbling blindly through depression I wouldn't even wish on her. Having found a loving spouse, having a child (and REALLY realizing the horror of her "love"), no power on Earth would make me give her what she wanted--the rest of my life and the soul of my child. Say "No."

I am saddened by the thought of your feelings about your parents moving closer. Even though it's hard on you to think of it, think of how your parents felt, especially your mom taking care of all of you. Since it does seem awful to you, if you could somehow just put up with it for a while and tell them you'll think about it or talk to them sometime (let the sometime be a ways off), maybe if you can stall them enough, they might forget it after a while. It's too bad that you just couldn't put your own feelings aside long enough to get through the next few years, things have a way of working out, even though the road is long. Some day all you'll have is memories. Which would be better - bad or good? I hope you can resolve this soon - maybe get some of your siblings to help you - I wasn't as fortunate to have help with my mom, but I made the best of it and I have no regrets now. Good luck and best of all to you and your family.

BTW, I had the really special abuse (at about age 8) of my father telling me out of the blue on the way to the store, just he and I in the car, that "If it weren't for you, I would just kill myself."

I remember pleading with him to just get a divorce and take me with him, but he said he couldn't and wouldn't explain why.

When we got back home from the store, I had an exponentially heavier load to carry--but pretend to carry nothing except the usual pre-teen worries.

Now I had to keep his secret, or there would be he!! to pay. He might even deny it. I couldn't even betray any emotion, though I worried for the next 40 years that I would fail somehow and he would kill himself.

I hope in his twisted way, he was trying to express some great regard for me, but what he really did was make me feel responsible for his life--which was a 50 year horrid, raging, violent, Valium and alcohol-fueled power struggle with my mum.

And of course mum bitterly resented his love for me (even now she (in her 80s) says things like, "Your daddy loved you more than he loved me"), which made her that much more violent toward me, that much more certain that I was a "s!ut", lamenting constantly that I had ruined her figure, her life opportunities . . .

So as an 8 year-old, my dad inappropriately tells me I'm the only good thing about his life, while my mum tells me that I'm everything that's wrong with her life.

MY life? It did not exist.

That much they agreed upon.

CentralMassach, yes, it's sad to hear of someone having strong, negative feelings about living near one's parents. Because we all wish people had loving families, good parents. But families are like Venn diagrams - healthy families are a series of circles that overlap in spots along the edges, but in the middle is your spouse and your kids. When you're adult, your parents understand they are on the edges now and your spouse and kids and life are in the middle of your circle. In dysfunctional families, parents still think they are in the center of your circle, and your spouse, kids, life are on the edges with your friends and the PTA.

The original poster comes from a family where Mom is so toxic, her adult kids chose to disengage. She can't set aside feelings because the hurt just keeps coming. And it's not just for a few years because her parents are relatively young. Her mother has one circle, with few interest circles on the edges, so it's reasonable that she'll expect her daughter and grandson to be on call. She's concerned that this is not a path she wants to be on for the next 20+ years.

ACCOM - big hug to you. Your mum sounds like she has some severe mentals issues. So sad that you as a little girl got so damaged by it. But remember it was your dad's decision to stay with her and not remove you from that situation. And his decision to drink etc. (could have been a frying pan fire situation?)
Whilst your mum was indeed toxic, your dad was an adult and is responsible for his own actions.
Not being rude but your mum sounds like Joan Crawford! Extreme case.
And you still sound very wounded. I can hear that 8 year old little girl in every line.
Look ahead. Whilst yesterday was painful, today is your decision how you feel and respond.
It's not the same, but I was getting badly psychologically bullied at work many years back, was a mess, and did some Anthony Robbins neural linguistic programming exercise ... basically I blew a raspbery every time I thought of my bully - sounds stupid, but it made me laugh cos I felt stupid...every time I though of him I'd have to blow a raspberry!
After about a week of this I found that I chuckled when I thought of him rather than getting that awful anxious tight feeling. Even to this day now on my sofa (and this guy was large physical scary bully, made my life hell at a time I was really vulnerable)

Take the power back. You can retrain your brain so that you do not have the same reaction to her. No matter what a crazy b*tch she is being, you can change your reaction and it will change how she is with you when she senses you are no longer scared of her. Please give it a go.
Probably some free guides online... NLP, neural linguistic re programming.

Huge hug. You can't change yesterday, but you can change tomorrow. xxx