She is 84 yrs old, has moderate dementia and can’t ambulate well. She also has been getting multiple UTIs because of her inability to wipe herself. She is a large woman with diabetes with 2 - 25yr+ metal knees and one shoulder replacement.
She is going downhill fast because she’s sitting most of the time and there are virtually no activities in the skilled nursing facilty to keep her mind engaged.
I feel so guilty for the situation she’s in. I promised my Dad I’d take care of her and I just retired last week. I feel I should be taking care of her myself, but I know I’d have to choose between her and my husband. He won’t live with her and she needs constant care. The nursing facility is not taking care of her most basic needs, she’s been there since April 7th. She's only had 2 showers and they're not washing her or her clothes. The bed is too small for her and they keep saying they're looking into another. I see the CNAs sitting in the common areas on their phones, watching tv and ignoring buzzers going off.
I try to call the social worker and unit managers and they don’t return my calls.
But I did get a bill for $14,500 to pay for this care. They, like all homes, are severely short staffed. She has about 4 months of self-pay before she’s broke. She’s been in assisted living for 2 years.
This used to be a nice campus not that long ago…
Hopefully you are living in an area where COVID controls have been lifted, but even entering a SNF reception area can give you a sense of how things are probably done “on the floor”.
Where I am the menace of COVID is still ha menacing reality, but OUR SNF is still a jolly colorful encouraging place, and you know that as soon as you open the door.
In contrast, the local low ceiling dimly lighted converted motel, while doing its best, is almost immediately observable as “trying hard but several steps lower….”.
You are fully aware how difficult her care is, but where we are, the “care plan” is a legal obligation, so if their answer is “…no care plan..” I’d start thinking ombudsman too, or at very least looking up your state or provinces “rules and regs”.
And you had absolutely NO RESPONSIBILITY to make a promise to your father that you had no way to practically evaluate. Your husband is doing you a HUGE FAVOR by clearly and unconditionally stating his position in your situation, and “guilt” in your personal situation is TOTALLY UNREALISTIC. How could you POSSIBLY manage taking physical care of her? Fair, realistic answer? YOU COULDN’T.
My husband was reluctantly onboard when I said I wanted to “bring my mom home”, although he adored her and she adored him. I spent the next 6 months sleeping on the floor because she couldn’t be trusted for ONE SECOND without hands on supervision, and gained 60 pounds of stress weight in the 9 months she was here. She was MUCH HAPPIER in her residential setting, living 5 more GOOD YEARS there.
By all means stay calm when dealing with her current setting, but start your search both online and in person for a better situation for your mom. And give DH a big hug.
2. Have you spoken directly to the person in charge of laundry?
3. Have you had a care plan meeting yet with the Director Nursing and the social worker to review mom's care plan?
4. Do you have the number of the facility's assigned Ombudsman?
5. Do you have the names of 3 pther facilities to look at?
It doesn’t matter though-they don’t follow it- it says 2 showers a week- laundry done every 2-3 days- left 3 messages for Laundry- no response .
waiting on return call from 2 other facilities- the fact they’re not calling back is concerning. Will try to get number of ombudsman- thank you!
no meeting with a care plan team
Can you go physically to the other facilities and ask for tours on the spot?
I suggest you get her out of there ASAP and into a quality memory care.
I did a few things to ensure she received the best possible care:
1. Walk-in visit at different times and days.
2. I got to know the staff to they point they all know my name.
3. I make notes and discuss with her team.
They are often short staffed so I try to stay positive and focused on what is most important.