My 83 year old mother is starting to forget where she put things and is starting to believe people are stealing from her. My friends told me to get a POA before she isn’t cognitively capable of signing it. So, I asked her to sign a POA. She said she read her tarot cards and will get married again so no need for POA; she won’t be a burden to me. Yet, she hasn’t dated anyone for years. How do I convince her that it’s in her interest? I know it helps me, but she doesn’t seem to think it is an issue. I told her that she can revoke it at anytime so if she gets married, she can do it then. My mom has almost no money except she owns her condo so if I need her to go into AL, I would need the money from the condo to help me pay it so I’m worried what will happen if I am not POA. Do I have to pay for everything until I can apply for help? So new to this!
And the POA needs to be notarized. You cannot just hand her a form and expect her to sign it. She is suspicious and if I were told to sign something that way, I wouldn't sign it either.
Next, read up on POA, and don't tell your mother taratiddles e.g. that she can revoke it at any time. If it's the sort you need to get her into AL when she is still determined to wait at home for her prince - i.e. a springing durable one - she won't be able to revoke it once it's in effect and that's kind of the point of them: they're designed to protect people with advancing dementia from their own catastrophic decisions.
The only one that can not be revoked is a Durable Mental Health POA. It specifically states that it can not ever be revoked. So no surprises for anyone reading and signing one.
Without a PoA, and if she needs AL, you won't be able to force her to go. If she's living in her own condo, you will need to report her to APS and when things get "bad enough" they will move for guardianship. The process can differ by state, but this is basically what happens.
If you want Assisted Living, yes, the condo would need to be sold. Nursing home would be cheaper, but not as nice, and her home could remain an asset until after her death when the state would try to do clawback to get the funds expended through medicaid.
You and Mom should see an elder law attorney. She is not diagnosed now, so this is the time.
If she won't cooperate at all,then when she IS diagnosed it is up to you if you believe you are CAPABLE and if you WANT and understand all that is entailed in being her conservator or guardian. That would be a court procedure. With an unwilling and uncooperative elder I myself would not take this on. It's difficult enough with a well organized and cooperative one.
Tell her whatever you need to tell her, because talk about tarot cards and new husbands are already signs of dementia.
If mom has no money and had to go to facility care, she may qualify for Medicaid without the house counting. More than likely with mental decline, she won't be able to go to an assisted living environment - would probably be NH with a memory care unit (for her protection).
The POA's can make decisions easier for you, however with things she is already saying to you that are not realistic, she may not be in a position to sign legal documents for you. You might need to talk to an elder attorney about the situation.
Making you her POA simply gives you the ability to help her take care of things at her direction, she still has full control and a DPOA gives you the ability to take care of things for her in the event she is incapacitated or unable to herself. Although we talk about dementia causing the need for a DPOA here most often, it isn’t the only reason a person might become incapacitated and in case the thought of dementia is what makes your mom shut down you could mention some of the other circumstances. What if she fell and was un-conscious or needed surgery and subsequent rehab or had a stroke and wasn’t able to pay her bills, take care of her financial affairs, keep her house running or make decisions for her own care? Who would she want to do those things for her until she was able to do it again? Without appointing a DPOA there will be no one able to take care of these things for her. When she gets married again of course her husband will be able to and maybe the POA could even be written that way if the attorney thinks it prudent but if something happens next week…
I wouldn’t burst her bubble about a new husband or the wisdom of the tarot cards I would treat it as she does but what about the possibilities between now and then?
Not having the legal ability to take care of things for her and take care of her should something happen is placing a much bigger burden on you than needing you to take over some of these things. I’m not sure if you have medical authorization but a POA that incorporates that as well or additionally a MPOA depending on her state is key as well or you won’t be able to get information on her condition or consult on her treatment if she is unable to tell you. Whatever ones age in situations like a trip to the emergency room or stay in the hospital there is far too much information to consume when you are the actual patient and having someone there to help you with that is key. Until she is married again she probably needs you to be that person so she needs to make that official. It will make things so much easier for you if anything should happen and will set your mind at ease now.