Hey there! I am a 58-year-old caregiver to my 93-year-old mother. I live in her home which is owned by my brother. We don’t pay any mortgage or anything to him, instead he has been paying us because he bought the house (in the form of a note?) years ago and he’s making payments on it until December 2023.
My brother lives in Texas and we live in Pennsylvania. He comes over at least once a year to visit. Every time he comes, he pokes his nose in our business, demanding to know how much money we have in the bank, am I looking at houses, and more.
This past memorial day weekend, he came alone for a visit.
It turned into four days of living... word that rhymes with well. He was verbally, emotionally and psychologically abusive to me. He criticized everything from my driving skills to my two cats (he hate cats), the way I clean the house and the things I keep in boxes in our den. The only thing he didn’t complain about work the way I dress and eat. Everything else was subject to his complaining. He’s a manipulative narcissistic brother who thinks he's perfect and that his ways are perfect, nosy, a control freak and a bully.
He also told me that he thinks I’m a hoarder and should be treated for it. I didnt mind him telling me that, but his approach was completely wrong. He kept demanding to know what was in my boxes and why. He declared it was all junk and I need to just get rid of it, why do I need them, why don’t I spend time sorting through them and donating what I don’t want, etc. He kept demeaning and browbeating me about it. When I took out two hours of my day to watch a baseball game, he complained about that and told me I need to watch less. He eavesdropped on my conversations and then proceeded to rant and rave at me. He also thought he had to clean out some stuff from Mom‘s room because I am not doing a good enough job in his mind.
I tried to tell him that we’ve had EMS, the fire department, office of the aging, human resources, etc. visit, and none of them have said the house is messy or needs work. He refused to listen. He made all kinds of accusations, and would not let me defend myself. Truthfully, he’s never wanted me to care for Mom. He’s always complained about it because he thinks I’m not good enough.
Before he finally left, he told me “I know it sounds good if you make me out to be a big ogre. I know you think that I conspire against you.“ I told him it wasn’t true, but every time he visits, he tries to pry into my personal business, and when I tell him to please leave me alone, he refuses. He accuses me of lying and going into fits. He even made fun of me when I got upset, saying things like, “That’s right get upset.”
I’m trying to find another place to live as a result of all this, but my options are limited. I make less than $2000 a month from my pension and I do not get paid by mom. She was paying both our expenses. I am the financial and medical power of attorney, so I can’t be paid under Medicaid rules.
I thought about reporting him to the police, but I know often times it turns into a he said she said, and since my brother knows how to manipulate the police, I’m sure he would make me out to be the bad person.
I don’t know what recourse I have, if any. My mom doesn’t want me to move out, but I told her I can’t live under my brother's roof under these circumstances. My cats are a great source of therapy but they are getting older and it’s unfair to me that I am not allowed to adopt anymore because he hates cats.
Well, I’ve gone on long enough. Any advice or suggestions?
" We live in her home which is owned by my brother.
We don’t pay any mortgage or anything to him, instead he has been paying us because he bought the house (in the form of a note?) years ago and he’s making payments on it until December 2023."
I wonder if you can explain that. I don't understand who exactly owns this house that you are living in with your mother.
You also tell us this:
"I tried to tell him that we’ve had EMS, the fire department, office of the aging, human resources, etc. visit, and none of them have said the house is messy or needs work. "
I wonder if you can explain to us the circumstances under which EMS was called?
Could you tell us the reason the Fire Department visited you?
What "Human Resources" have visited you?
You say that you are living on a 2,000 a month pension. I am assuming that your mother's SS is also in the mix. This would amount so far to assets of perhaps 3,500 a month. Have you other assets to draw upon, you and your Mom, should you choose to move?
You say that your brother pays YOU? What does he pay you, and what is the payment for?
You say your brother OWNS this house by a "note". Does he have a mortgage on this house, or does he own it in full and by title? You say he will be paying YOU until December 2023. What does that mean? Is the home fully paid for at that time, and whose name will be on title.
I am afraid that there is so very much in your note to us that I cannot understand, that I am not able to answer you with any clarity. If this home belongs to your brother, and you and your Mom are living in it without paying any rental, then I myself feel you are under obligation to keep it well kept up, free of cat waste (if there is any) and free of clutter while you are a non-paying tenant.
However, if your brother owns this home he is also free to have you evicted. Short of this, I believe in answer to your question to us, that, yes, I would find my own premises to live in so that Brother is not a problem, and cannot make visits to you without invitation.
But as I said, there is much in your post I am not understanding clearly.
For me, if I was allowing someone to live in a house that I owned, it would bother me if I didn't feel the house was kept up and looking clean and organized. If your brother sees a lot of boxes and unnecessary things and considers it messy, it's going to come up in conversation - especially, if it has the potential of a hoarding situation. It sounds like his delivery in saying it may have been rough, but it's hard to truly understand the situation without seeing the way in which you and your mom are living in his house - maybe it was jolting for him to see.
You mentioned that you wanted to call the police on him - on what grounds? Maybe you and your brother's lives are too enmeshed because of your living arrangement.
Plus, you said that he only comes to visit around once a year (and it was just for 4 days)...so, I guess your "problem" is pretty much solved until when he visits next summer?? That doesn't seem so bad - You have a whole year to organize!
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Best wishes to you and your family.
Are you aware of how home ownership works? You are a tenant living free and being paid to live in your brothers home. Think of him as your landlord. If you have unpacked boxes in the den, he has the right to ask you to remove them. To keep the cats to 2. To evict you, even. Or to start charging you rent in excess of your pension if his name is Richard and he's in a bad mood.
I suggest you stop viewing yourself as The Victim here and start stumping the pavement for a new place to live. Get mom to assign POA over to your brother, too, so he can assume the responsibilities of elder care moving forward.
Or, sit down and talk rationally to the man, w/o accusations or defensiveness. W/o threats to call the police, and see if you can reach a workable compromise where you get to live in his house past Dec 2023 and continue to care for mom. Or, if he has other plans you're unaware of. Dec is 6 months away. You'll need to know, one way or another, what's to become of this house and your living arrangements.
You see boxes. He sees clutter.
You have 2 cats (& want more?) He hates cats.
He is calling you a Hoarder.
You say EMS, fire & others haven't stated the home is messy.
So a brother you disagree with, you see once a year is one thing. Could probably ignore.
A brother who is verbaly abusive is another - you will need strategies to deal with this.
But having this man as your Landlord is another thing altogether. It adds another layer of formal boundaries. Will this BE a formal rental agreement? If so, you will have rights & regulations on BOTH sides. Has a rent amount been talked about onwards of Jan 2024? (Will you be able to afford it?)
Leaving all that between you & him there for now.
Where's your Mother in all this?
Why has she sold her home to her son? Does she want to continue living there as a tennant? Or was moving & downsizing her plan?
Mediation grom.a third party may benefit. Through your Council, Office of Aging, Human Services etc to help your family through this housing problem.
He has concerns because he arrives and feels that you are exhibiting behavior that possibly complicates the issues of your mother's natural decline. You are living rent free so he is owed respect for his allowance of that.
Of course it could be preferable if he could be calmer but that is not the reality. Your post only brings up what bothers you and not the state of health of your mother which should be your primary concern if you are living rent free in order to take care of her. Perhaps reducing the clutter or at least showing some organization of it could possibly bring a small improvement in this whole living arrangement which honestly does seem to be one sided.
Emergency personable etc , wouldn’t comment about home tidiness ..they are there for the immediate situation.
my mom wanted to keep everything. Moving her was beyond painful. Not once but twice ! My husband keeps stuff that just isn’t necessary. I worry that my daughter will have to go thru what I did with my mom. My husbands mother was moved to memory care a couple years ago . The mentally challenged brother lives in the house. I’ve tried getting his family to help with removing “ the clutter” while they physically can .. not happening.. I won’t be doing it when the brother has to move..
I think it sounds like a bad situation living in your brother's house - you don't seem appreciative that he's paying for your living arrangements. I'm sorry, but some of what you mention just seems petty and immature to me.
You said that, "he pokes his nose in our business, demanding to know how much money we have in the bank, am I looking at houses, and more." It sounds to me like he's inquiring because he wants to know when you have plans to move out, and are you preparing for it financially and are you currently looking. I don't see his questions as being intrusive - you just may not want to deal with his questions.
I don't think your brother is asking a lot - to keep his house clean and organized, according to his vision. If it's asking too much of you to adhere to his preferences, then yes, you need to do whatever you have to do to move out. Otherwise, just be grateful to live rent free.
I had a social worker and the fire department to my parents home in a desperate attempt to get help. They couldn't do anything, their hands were tied as there were no regulations for hoarding in their state. That certainly didn't mean there was no problem.
I had to clean my parents home out when I moved them near me. It took weeks and three industrial size dumpsters were filled with just the stuff going to the dump. They lived in a 1600 square foot cape cod style home.
I would look at your situation from your brothers point of view. Ask him what bothers him the most and clean it up. He isn't telling you to get rid of the cats but does not want you to acquire more.
I may sound harsh but I dealt with hoarding for many years and my 90 year old bed ridden mother is still shopping and hoarding in assisted living. You have to understand that this is your brothers home and he is being more than generous in letting you both stay there while paying you as well.
You can apply for section 8 housing in your area, or get a job to supplement your pension.
There is an answer you just have to get busy doing something,
It is your brother's he is your landlord, he makes the rules.