So thanks to all who recommended that wonderful Boundaries book! It's been a huge help. In particular, I've been able to set up a schedule with Dad in terms of when we see him, when I take phone calls etc. Part of the frustration was no matter what I said about being busy, not being available until X time, he would ignore it. So I had to take matters into my own hands (including sending his calls directly to voicemail when I'm working)
But he has had several health crises since he came down to live in AL near us at the end of July, including two hospitalizations and a bout of COVID (limited symptoms; he's vaccinated). Obviously, when I get the call that he's in the hospital I drop everything and go to deal with it and all my "rules" and "boundaries" go out the window. It's an emergency, after all.
But I'm finding that after the emergency is over, he's having a really hard time going back to the boundaries I've set before, and getting upset and lashing out. And it's causing me (and my husband) to wonder if maybe I'm not doing him any favors by suddenly dropping everything and rushing to his side because he's in the ER, because then he doesn't seem to understand why I'm also not doing that when he can't find his cell phone in his AL room and he's angry. I'm a disappointment all over again!
I'm wondering if I need to be less available when he's ill so that he is less unhappy when he's not? Which is a weird way to phrase it. But I think the lack of consistency is upsetting to him. In his mind, I saw him every day the other week, why aren't I coming every day this week? When the other week he was in the hospital. But he sees it as a change in attention and doesn't see the context. Does that make sense?
When he insists on grinding on unpleasant conversations (why haven't you visited me, why haven't you done this or that) you do not owe him an explanation because he can't internalize it. Redirect the conversation, distract him, do whatever you can. If all fails, leave.
If it's at all possible can you visit him while there's some event or activity in his facility? Take him to this, and then leave right when it ends, and allow an aid to help him back to his room. Leave on a high note or when he's distracted. To some problems there are just no really good solutions, so do what helps YOU.
At the risk of having things thrown at me, I'll share that the way I put it to myself is "be more man." No man would drop everything and rush to the bedside unless there was actually something to be done (or other clear necessity). So why do we ladies feel the urge to?
You're right about the consistency too. Confusing for him, and incompatible with establishing boundaries, but you can create a flexible bit of boundary for use with hospital admissions, you know, and bend it round events. E.g. ER, no. Ward, yes, day of admission and follow up calls. Surgery, call before pre-op, attend on return to recovery. ICU - whatever you think best. That kind of thing.
when fil was last there he was insisting for them to move his room for the view. Mil was further in the er so that put paid $70k brothers wife into overdrive about how he had to go see father to remove his birthday present for safekeeping when he didn’t even want it and puuring on the “it’s your father” bs.
My Mom does very well with routine, so yes, routines are important but they go out the window when she is ill or in the hospital. I have to adjust to hours that the hospital allows calls, visits, and get updates. Just planning the day to get out of the hospital is a challenge and what it means when she returns home, same state or new level of care. So yes, when you break the routine for any reason everyone need to plan time to get back to it.
The care changes based on circumstances. My Mom cannot communicate, so when she is at home and relatively stable, we talk once a day, and that is good and I talk to the doctor once every 2 weeks. In a situation where she is ill, I need to talk to her more often and talk to doctors, health professionals more frequently.
I do not think that he chose to get sick. Your response to him being in the hospital also needs to be within boundaries, your routine will be disrupted and different but it should still be manageable and clear to everyone.