What to do when loved one refuses the idea of someone coming into the home to help?

Tough question, easy answer-
Just tell them its an extra pair of hands to help clean.
No uniform, regular clothes will make them more comfortable, and not seem so much like a "nurse"
You are getting them "house help", because YOU need help not them.
I don't know too many people that don't want help cleaning.
Caregivers do clean but as I say, they don't scrub.

When my mom and I (before my mom passed away in January) started having homecare people to the house, it was because my grandma had a fall and broke her ribs. Medicaid stepped in offering us assistance for bathing and house work so she wasn't alone. While I was excited for the help and it gave me peace of mind while mom and I was away at work, my grandma resisted it. She would fuss and refuse assistance from the ladies. Finally the company sent us someone whose name was Diane. She was patient with grandma and did wonders. She came and sat with her at first, just talking away like an old friend. They would coupon clip together, watch soap operas together, and eat lunch in picnic format at the table sometimes both having the same food as I allowed Diane to do whatever she needed to do to get grandma to have help. She told my grandma at first she was there to help me with cleaning since I was working too hard and couldn't keep up with the mopping and vacuuming. It was amazing to come home to a clean house and a happy grandma. In fact I was sad to have to change caregivers when my grandma ended up needing more than a homemaker and companion after she fell and broke her neck 3 years ago.

What we did was basically had patience and got a good person who turned out to be a good friend instead of just a caregiver. They are rare and in fact I don't think we have only a handful that turns out that way, but when you get them, hold on tightly and treat them well as they are usually the ones who get burnt out. Only wish we could find another "Diane" here in Maine as right now my house is a mess, she's very cranky at times and I am feeling a bit burnt out at times due to lack of sleep and balancing too much in my life.

My suggestion is be patient. Tell her you need the help not her. Tell her they are there for another reason than watching her. Encourage them to do puzzles with her or something else she enjoys doing. Make them a true companion so that it works out.

FF you must stand your ground when the time comes! It's imperative! In moving to care for my narc mother I lost everything and I'm just starting to rebuild a semblance of some sort of life. I was at the NH today and she's in such poor shape. She really can't speak but managed to get out "I'm going soon". I merely said "Oh aren't we a little ray of sunshine today" but she's right. I don't think she can go on much longer.

At 88 and a life long mean and nasty narc who trampled anyone who crossed her path, she's had it all - fancy houses, new big cars, exotic vacations and then some,

She was very clever at inflicting pain on others with glee all her life and turning it around so she came up smelling like roses. My poor father (RIP) and I took the brunt of it. He suffered her abuse for over 50 years and busted his chops to give her everything, but it was never enough. His heart gave out 15 years ago and I'm convinced she sent him to an early grave.

Yes, she will probably pass away in the next few months and, frankly, no-one will care, not even me as I suffered at her hands life long since I was a small child. She has no friends, wants cremation and her ashes scattered. I will do as she wishes, clear out her room at the NH and get on with my life.

Yes, it will be traumatic and I may just take care of my animals, home chores, drink some wine and sleep a lot until I can come to terms with things. A lifetime of a narc parent never goes away and we will have PTSD for life, but perhaps, in time, we can heal to some degree. In the meantime, wine and sleep, surrounded by my precious dogs and cats, will work for me.

Ashlynne, I need to remember that when and if the time comes where my parents both need help.... they have two choices, one is hiring help to come into the home, or moving to a retirement community.... and I need to stick to my guns with those two choices.

My parents would probably think since I am working at my career that I should be able to quit and help them.... they don't realize that being a Caregiver is a whole lot different than sitting in front of a computer all day at work.

Tell her it's either this way or she can go into an assisted living or nursing home. Once she's done bouncing off the walls that should shut her up, for a while anyway.

Please do not put elders demands constantly in priority over your childrens' activities. Also, try to let the coaches/other sport-parents know that you cannot be as totally involved as it seems to be expected these days. I hope you can find the right balance that works for you. If the elder does not want to see the "grandkids in action" -- well, it's their loss. Mine chose to be that way. So far I've been able to bring some video of kids' activities, but I will NOT accede to an elder's pity-party when they choose not to go out and whine about it. You may think you are being the dutiful child, but you will wind up feeling like a "sucker" when your kids are grown and you've missed childhood activities. If you have a sib who can contribute either in-person or financially for respite care, then ask for this help. Take care of yourself too. Do not wear yourself out trying to totally please both generations. Good luck.

I wouldn't see anyway to make your bil help and seems he's already said no enough times. Without understanding much about mom's condition, this is sure a time to consider a nice social model or medical model assisted living community. Your visits with her there will be so nice and you will have your life back. Take care of yourself! Terie Novak - author ebook "Bold Actions for Helping Older Parents".

I have a good friend who's in-laws live in India.. Her father-in-law is in his 90's and doesn't want anyone to help him.... he still lives at home with his wife and various housekeepers/cooks that help the wife.

One memory care facility in India suggested that the father-in-law needs a caregiver and for that caregiver to wear an uniform, similar to that of a doctor, that the father-in-law might be more receptive to someone helping him. It would be interesting to see if that works as the family plans to try that soon.

Some elders will listen to their doctors before listing to us even if we give the same recommendations.... [sigh].

Continued: also, find the right meds.to keep your loved one less anxious. This was a big help. For gram we.used seroquel and xanax. It took a long time to to find the right doses. She was also on celexa. We tried two of the new "alzhiemer/dementia" drugs and they both gave gram hullucinations. They caused us a lot of trouble. They did the same on my father in law.

Continued. Long story short. I ended up with bells pasley from stress. I also ended up with tremors. I was under so much stress but never had a moment to stop and think on it. I was too busy doing what needed to be done. After gram died doctors said i had care givers syndrom. PTSD from watching a loved one suffer and trying to do my best. Looking back i say this: join a caregivers support.group for yourself. Keep the nurses/caregiver help that you need. Pick one that is a good support for you and your loved one.
Your loved one isnt going to be happy no matter what. Better for.them to be at home as.long as possible. Take care of yourself and your health along the way.

I was my grandmothers caretaker for many years. When she needed 24/7 care, i did that for 5 years,.while raising the two children. One of my children was a teen, he was a great support. We also homeschool. My grandmother had a daughter who lived close by. She was no help whatsoever. She said from the start that she wouldnt help and would put gram in a home. So we did it as.long as.we could. At first, Gram could stay at home by herself at night. My children and i would be able to go home, sleep and return. As grams memory progresssed and she was getting more frail, we could no longer leave her alone at night.

We had caretakers come in to give us nights off and what i was hoping for a couple days off a week. My son was grown, in college, on his own and the burden was too hard for me to bear.

We went through many caretakers. Gram yelled, screamed, hit and even drew blood from them.

She did not want strangers in her home. Yet, because of lack of memory and lack of reasoning,.she couldnt consider me or my families needs. That was unlike her. But thats what happens. (Continued)

I was told by a dementia expert that you can bring the caregiver over ahead of time and introduce the person as a friend and have the caregiver spend time with your LO. When the CG leaves, say that he or she hopes to come back and spend more time with your LO. I never had to do this but the expert said it often works.

better yet have the caregiver come over and talk to her when you are there. My mom is that way too, but Iam gettting there with her about it .

My yard man lives in a bedroom here and keeps up the yard for his rent. He mows the grass & looks in on my mother from time to time if I'm gone. We're not paying out money. He works odd jobs for individuals and has a flexible schedule so he can help with her lunch or dinner (which I have in the fridge or microwave ready to heat and eat). Don't get me wrong, I would love to have someone here full time. He just gives me respite and it helps. It would be wonderful if I could get someone regularly to granny sit, but I don't have that kind of money and she doesn't either. Her idea of paying for care is that she doesn't need it. My grand-daughter-in law gets paid a hefty $15 per hour, but my mother is O.K. with that because she's "helping the kids out". Psychology is often necessary to get these elders to agree to being cared for.

FM getting a live in is not always an option for alot of people here you must have had to pay for it so good for you easy peasy when we could all have a live-in carer! And great mum gets to stay in her own home because you could afford to get her help if we all had a "live in" i dont think there would be any reason for this site. So good for you that it all worked out swell!

There is no way to get someone to help if they do not want to. Maybe your brother-in-law just cannot be around people who are ill. That is his issue. Keep having the nurse or whomever come when you need to be away, and she is going to have to adjust. Do not become alarmed at her nasty behaviors, it comes with the diagnosis. Just be pleasant and tell her you are doing everything you can to help her, but your kids need a life too (as well as you). As time passes the resistance to others will diminish as her dementia gets worse. Wait it out. Time is on your side. Bless you for stepping up to the plate!

You might try hiring a "housekeeper" part time with the idea that she watch granny and do some dishes or something to make it convincing. Then granny just thinks of her as a house keeper and its no reflection on her sanity or her abilities to look after herself. My yard man fills this spot sometimes. They get along great and she thinks he lives on the property to keep the grounds. It is, but I have an ulterior motive. He takes the pressure off of me sometimes.

kathyt1...that would work if you were dealing with a person with a sound mind. Good luck doing that with someone with late stage Alz. My mother can't be reasoned with, she simply can't understand...for example, she wants to go close down her bank accounts and keep all her cash in her purse. She can't understand that she has to keep an account for SS to be deposited in...she hides papers and money and then can't find it. I spend three to five hours a week just looking for stuff she's 'put up'...ShE spends three times that much. It's simply not an option that she has people come in....there is nothing to discuss. She is in complete denial and refuses to admit that she even has Alz. (she wants to go buy a car...to h*ll with the law! anyone could have a wreck!)

Isabella49, oh my gosh that 80 to 85 degree heat.... why do some elders keep the heat up so high? That is one reason I can't spend more than 10-15 minutes in my parents home.... it's like walking into one big hot flash.

My parents also refuse to have anyone come into the house to help them [they are 92 and 96], except for repairmen, which they hover over every second the repairman is in their home.

Any my parents refuse to get a life alert type of emergency button.... they don't want to spend the money, yet they pay yearly for a post office box that they don't need. Go figure.

Some really great advice...just what I was seeking! I will be putting some of this to good use. We are lucky that there are some really good programs out here helping us. I had one director tell me yesterday, not to get soooo stressed over this. They are used to these situation; probably more so then me. I will keep you posted :)

My sister and I have the same problems with our parents. She spends all week running them for their errands, doctors' appts, cooks for them, etc. I have them for the weekend. I work full time, have to go there after work to give my dad his insulin. When one of the nurses suggested that they should not be left alone at night and one of us should spend the night. My sister can't do it, I can't do it. They keep the temperature in the 80s, even in the summer and daddy is up all night because he has dementia. I need to get up at 5:00 to go to work so I could not stay with them. I spend most of the weekend with them and go home after they have been fed, etc. We suggested getting them care at night, they can afford it, but they refuse anyone coming to the house, so we are leaving it up to them. We are not going to move in with them, when they can have a professional come and spend the night. We are not selfish, but we do everything we can for them and they can get around in the apt. We live 5 minutes away and they have life alert so they can get us if they need us in an emergency. Get MIL some professional home care whether she likes it or not. She will get used to having her around.

if some of these elderly didn't act like children, they wouldn't be treated as such perhaps.
and for others who have elderly in nursing homes, I think I would walk out of the room when they start the verbal abuse. if there is anything that has to be done, take it with you. if it has to be done there, take it with you and do it in a waiting area. either the elder gets the message, or they just are alone all the time.

two cents ¢¢

I lived an hour away from my mother so had to have 24/7 care for her. I had promised her that she would live out her days in her beloved home and that's what she did. Getting her to agree to a live-in was straightforward. First I told her that I couldn't be there 24/7 for her, so the other option would be a nursing home (that was out). And leaving her home alone left me open for criminal charges if anything happened to her. Since she didn't want me arrested for neglect or abuse, she agreed to a live-in (reluctantly). She was resentful at first--sullen and quiet. But as time went on the two of them got along nicely. They were together for 4 years until my mother passed away. Sometimes when my mother was kind of down or not feeling well, MaryJane (the live-in) would go lie on the bed with her and sometimes sleep in her room. They ended up laughing and enjoying each others company and MaryJane was like a member of our family. You really need to discuss the realities and options with MIL and hopefully she will begin to understand that if you get burned out, her option is a nursing home since BIL is staying out of the picture.

A lot of really good advice here. If your BIL is refusing to be a support then forget him, he and his family will have to suffer the consequences some day when she is no longer around and they have missed being a part of her life. I suspect from what you say that your MIL is highly functional and doesn't require major help but more just watching she doesn't hurt herself or wander off. We went through the same thing with my sister only to find out the best thing is to do is introduce the companion/care giver as a friend of yours. Do some things together let them form a friendship then let the care giver call or show up by herself and say "so and so" can't make it today but I thought I would come visit, or take you to lunch or shopping or play cards or whatever. In our case they became great friends and we have no problems. At one point she had to be out of her house for repairs and stayed at the care givers overnight she preferred the care givers house to ours!!!

If she is highly functional I totally understand the reluctance to put her in a home. Fact is she will do better with people she knows and loves in familiar surroundings. The problems with residential facilities is they do not have the staff to provide the kind of attention highly functioning person needs to keep them highly functioning. Also, unfortunately when a loved one is in a facility, over time, because life happens, and because we know they are safe and being taken care of 24/7 we start visiting less and less, this is not good for the loved one and can cause them to start diminishing. Also not good for us because we start feeling guilty about not visiting. Unless they really need that specialized 24/7 care keep them close to you for as long as possible.

As far as her resistance to home care. Again ask what she wants and listen to her answer, listen to her questions and be sure you are completely addressing her concerns. When they are highly intelligent and are highly functioning they really need to feel like they are in control of the situation. One other thing we found that was helpful, she had a hard time accepting that she has a problem, we have to frequently take time to explain her disease to her. What we didn't realize was that one of her concerns was that the people that were "helping" take care of her didn't know that she had a problem, once we explained that they were fully aware and could answer her questions and assist her with whatever she needed she was fine. Because of her memory loss we have to explain this often. But the other technique that seems to work is to explain the memory loss and tell them they will not be able to remember things but they can relearn things, like how to use the telephone, tell time, or read a calendar. Then you practice with them, we have found the through repetition and calling it learning rather than memory it works. Also sometimes we can use little cheat sheets because it is learning and that is more acceptable to them.

Also it is true....do NOT neglect your family or sacrifice your memories with your family....if you MIL was not having these issues she would NOT want you to sacrifice your time with your family to "babysit" her. And also do take her with you to events whenever possible, the social interaction is great therapy! Good luck and God bless!

Ok, so let me clarify. We did sit her down and discuss the why's and asked what she wanted. But...being she has Dementia, she has forgotten everything we have discussed the last few weeks. She doesn't remember if she ate lunch, nonetheless that she has agreed to try this. We even set it up where they came into the home first to do paperwork and to meet the nurses. She doesn't remember. And, she has full control of all things, believe me. We still runs this home, we kept everything in the home the same and we still try to do things her way. Although we don't like her habits, and old way...we do it, because we do care. She has no hobbies, or things she enjoys. We were her highlights over the last 10 years. We visited often and my kids bring her joy. But, they need a break too. A lot of responsibility falls on them, as she tends to listen to their suggestions and they can get her to use her cane when she is being stubborn and not using it. I like the suggestion of talking to the Day Care for ideas of things to do with her. She treats the nurses like a guest, and won't let them do anything. The other issue is language. She speaks another language, along with my husband...the rest of us don't. Although she has been in USA for over 50 years, she now is having difficulty processing it. She gets upset that the rest of us don't understand. My Bil and his entire family know the language. This is one of the things that can happen with Dementia. We are doing what we can. Trying to keep her at home as long as possible. She is very healthy, besides her mind and a bad hip. A nursing home is really a place for her, because physically she is good. Of course we have good days and bad days mentally. It is a lot of changes right now because after a year, we do need respite care, and am grateful for any amount of time. When my bil does come over, he doesn't give a warning, so I can't plan to do anything. When I ask being he is around, if he can watch her for a bit, he says nope. Although he only sees her every 7 weeks or so. We are only trying to do what is right, and just looking for guidance with how to make things a little easier. I appreciate any and all feedback. Maybe after a week or 2 of things happening, and adjustments made, it will be easier. I may just have to leave and clear my mind during these times when the nurse is here and hope for the best.

Similar issue, my MIL lives alone (92!) and we ( her only relatives) are 700 miles away. We've arranged for several nurses to stop by ONLY to sort out her many pills and she sicks the dog on them. She also gets free "cabbie" service for Dr's and what-not but refuses because the driver will rape her, she thinks.So yeah, let me know if you solve your issue! She won't move in with us, so it's a stand off. Also BIL sounds selfish, he can at least try a little bit! ? !

My mum also refuses so i simply threaten her with a home! It works? we have a carer that comes for half an hour??? smokes a cigarette then washes a few dishes then leaves yeh HUGE respite for me. Its my mums fault as she wont cooperate as this carer is supposed to make sure she showers and gets dressed. Im done arguing but this will have to change if my mum continues to refuse help then she will have to go into a home she is offered a weeks respite every 6wks and refuses to take it saying its her house and she will not leave it thats fine if she wants to stay in her own home she will have to accept outside help OR a NH i am the one keeping my mum in her own home if i wasnt here she would be dead so even though i respect my mum she is not in control of her life so we have to be tough they cannot have it ALL thier way its our lives aswell.

Is it a matter of not wanting "strangers" to see her, or the feeling that you have aquired a "babysitter" to watch her while you are gone? Both these things are very upsetting to an adult. Remember, that she may be "failing", but she is still an adult regardless of the contributing problems.
I will be facing a similar dillema here shortly. My 94 yr. old Aunt will be moving in with me. She does not have dementia, or incontanence but is crippled (h&f) with arthritz, & is blind. (advanced macular degeneration) She has always been a very proud & independent woman. She is the last remaining member of her family, and my only living family member.
Nursing home not an option as she is a still practicing Christian Scientist and does not believe in materia medica. Also a vegatarian.
Please try to remember that she is your husbands Mother and treat her with respect & dignity. Hopefully her other Son (BIL) will come round and take a few hrs. of visiting her so you & your family can have some much needed time to do a few family things. But please, by all means, ASK bil, don't just expect.
Good Luck & Blessings

Yep, wantingtime.....that "the doctor ordered it" excuse works miracles! :-)

GREAT suggestion, DianeLisa!