What do I say to relatives who insist my Mom should be in a nursing home?

I tend to be in favor of facility care and would like to convince my folks to get in assited living, however it sounds like you are doing a good job with your mom at home. I'm sure your realise that it will not get easier as time goes on. Are you going to be up for the long haul?

Your Aunt has the best intentions but I can understand your frustration. Do you have POA for your Mom? Has your Mom indicated that she wants you to be in control? there are so many family feuds over elder care. I would suggest a straight forward but diplomatic approach with the relatives. Be very clear with them but try to avoid escalating this into a nasty legal battle. The POA question is important here. if you are not her POA others may challenge your decisions.

Perhaps they see something you don't see.

Mom stayed in a lovely nursing home for rehab, and I took the tour. Their memory care unit was impressive. Three staff for every patient . . . A supervised activity EIGHT TIMES a day (per Illinois state law) . . . clean...bright...colorful . . . Dining room/common area with a huge big screen . . . Every resident dressed in the morning . . . A snapshot taken of every resident every morning to identify clothing in case someone "eloped," as they called it. Locked floor. Bracelets to set off a personal alarm on every other floor . . . Weekly entertainment programs -- might be a singer, magician . . . Beauty salon on premise . . . One could not ask for more. They accepted Medicaid. Rate on entry $9,000 a month for those spending down.

I happened to know a resident on this floor. She entered the facility on Medicaid and had been there about nine years until she passed. She was 101 years old. Her niece visited her three times a week, other family members as well. Her family LOVED the facility.

Don't take it personally. You have differing opinions. "I'm doing what I believe in my heart is the right thing. Please stop judging me," ought to silence the harshest critic unless they see mom wasting away staring at walls.

Yes, I have POA. My mom has tried 4 different assisted facilities and hated them all. She is not a "scheduled activities" person. I should add that none of these people making comments about what is best for my mom do not see her at all--they live far away and only speak to her on the phone.

I wonder if the disconnect is between what your mom is saying to her sister, "She always says she isn't doing anything" and how your aunt is hearing that. Your mom sounds like (from what you're saying) she's HAPPY she's not doing anything. But your aunt hears that she's unhappy not doing anything. I wonder if you helped your aunt understand that your mom doesn't like schedules and isn't an activities person, having her live in a place with a ton of activities wouldn't be that helpful for her. She knows that you've tried four places and your mom didn't like any of them, right? Does she understand why she didn't like them?

My mom is 95 and over time is quite happy to sit in her place and read and do word find puzzles. She lives in a facility with a ton of activities and I've tried in the past to encourage her to go to some of them, but she's not interested. I get it, because I'd be the very same way. I'd rather sit and read or watch TV than go to a crafts session or to play bingo. So maybe if your aunt (and others) understand that your mom is doing exactly what SHE wants to do (nothing), they'll back off a bit. Good luck!

I'm in a similar situation, so I can understand how irritating it is to get advice from people who probably mean well, but also have no idea what it costs for a facility placement or how devastating it can be to some people.

Now when someone suggests it, if it's someone who's just naïve, I explain the cost issue and watch their mouths gape open. If it's someone who's just nosy, I ask where they expect us to get the money, anywhere from $2K to $6K a month? Then their mouths also gape open.

In my situation, I would like to be relieved of the additional obligation of a second house, but I also know that my very independent and woodworker loving father would decline and go downhill so quickly that he wouldn't last a year. He even said he might consider a placement if it had a woodshop where he could putter around.

We've also seen family and friends go through the ravages of old age, some of whom also declined rapidly after going to long term or other care. Depression sets in; they're medicated....in my opinion that's not the way I want either my father or myself to end our lives. And it is a personal choice we're entitled to make for ourselves.

I don't challenge, question or criticize anyone here for the choices they've made; the regular posters have demonstrated so much care and compassion that I know they've struggled to make the best decisions they can, and I support and respect that. It's unfortunate though that people in our lives or with whom we come in contact don't recognize these issues and feel free to opine on situations about which they know little.

Grumpy, the next time someone sends you a nicely worded e-mail, you might think about responding equally as nicely, stating that you're glad they support this idea and wonder how much they could contribute toward the monthly stipend, as you can't afford the funding. Then say something to the effect that you still need $xxxK dollars and look forward to their commitment to help with the finances.

Or just ask them how they expect it to be financed.

I've thought about this a lot and think that maybe the thought of taking care of an elder in their home is just so overwhelming, so challenging and/or so discomforting, that they project their own feelings onto someone else.

It's also a commitment that many people just don't want to undertake.

I say, to each his/her own, but don't tell me how to handle something of which you know nothing and have no experience.

(In fact one of the people who suggests this the most often can't even take care of herself or her pet.)

grumpyotter, like Maggie said above, sometimes it take someone from the outside to see the forest for the trees.

It sounds like your Aunt is trying to look out for you. You mentioned your Mother has dementia, and as you probably already know its not going to get better, only worse. And if your Mother hated the Assisted Living facilities, she is only going to dig her heels in more as the Dementia progresses. You will probably find yourself taking care of Mom at home until you crash and burn from exhaustion.

Don't forget, you are also getting older.

Maggie Marshall. I too live in Illinois. What is the name of the facility you mentioned? The closest nh facility near us which is good doesn't accept Medicaid. Since mom is digging in her heels refusing to do facilities she will at some point run out of money paying home care and will need a good facility that will accept Medicaid.

Stevie, it's Lexington on Roselle Road in Schaumburg, IL. Take a tour. I think you'll be impressed. Worst options (and cheapest) are converted facilities like old schools, for example. In the case of the woman I spoke if, I believe she not straight in on Medicaid. Ask as it may ave changed to x number of months on private pay first. I wish you well.

Darned autocorrect. "I believe she went straight in on Medicaid."

Thank you Maggie Marshall xxoo. I believe we have a lexington close to me in Lombard. Mom won't do that one. She knew someone's fil who was there and she said the one in lombard was bad. Course she says the one here in wheaton is bad and they're the one that won't take Medicaid and you have to have $200,000 in liquid assests not counting car and home AND some of the residents thete have local celebs. But she was there for rehab and it's "bad" smh.

Sorry GrumpyOtter. Other people are going to have opinions no matter what you do. That's part of the game with caregiving. You have to learn to let it roll off your back because they are not going to stop.

I had the opposite problem. I put my mom into residential care due to her extreme behavioral problems. Her side of the family just could not come to grips with it despite the fact that 2/3 of them never lifted a finger to help her stay. The other 1/3 that tried to help her became to frail and ill, and has died recently.

My mom didn't want to go into a facility ever. She swore (quite loudly) that she was never going to leave her home other than in a pine box. Well, things didn't work out that way. I was not in a position to leave everything and move in with her, so I'm grateful there are other choices for us.

Mom is getting far better care than I could provide by myself. There is a trained staff there who can move her with a lift, bathe her, ensure she gets the right meds, and deal with anything around the clock. This is a huge anxiety reducer for me. The activities don't apply to her so much because she acts out in groups, and that's OK.

They have compromised on the strict schedule for her, as much as they can while still making sure she gets her meds as prescribed, with food. I can also say she listens better to them than she ever would for me, so it's a better dynamic in place than me trying to get her to comply with anything.

Yes, there was a period of adjustment. My friend the social worker said that it takes months for seniors to adjust. Add more time if they are farther into dementia. The adaptation period is not less than 4-6 months, but facilities have their ways of dealing with it - buddies, volunteers, making sure the person is included. You have to be patient and trust the process.

Some people can do home care the entire time and are blessed by doing it. I won't judge anyone's choices as long as the senior being taken care of isn't left to passively watch tv, fight with carers, and everyone concerned is under too much stress and in crisis.

I believe keeping a loved one in their home as long as possible is the best option. As long as you are there to provide 24/7 care and you get outside assistance (home care, hospice, visiting nurse, etc.). Nursing homes have their advantages and disadvantages: yes you can get skilled nursing care and medications management; but the quality of care is not as good as what you provide for your mother. There is a higher risk of communicable disease in a nursing home and although they use bed and chair alarms as part of their fall prevention strategy, residents fall more often there than they do at home. Assisted living is another option, but you would really need to find out if they would provide the level of care your mom needs. Most assisted living facilities provide meals, but many do not help a resident who cannot feed herself. Both nursing homes and assisted living facilities are expensive. If you can afford to pay for it you need to be aware that should your mom’s resources run out and she is placed on a Medicaid waiver program to pay for long term care, she could be forced to move to a facility that accepts public funding (Stoney River assisted living in Marshfield, WI just kicked out 17 residents when they could no longer afford to live there). Home care, delivered by family caregivers, is by far the best option for caring for a parent with dementia. I was able to keep my mom in her home for 7 years after she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease; the last four of those years I provided 24/7 care for her (I quit my job and never regretted that decision). Other family members helped out when they could. I didn’t make myself do it all on my own. I got help. I personal care workers from a local home health agency and used them for respite so I could leave the house twice a week. I called mom’s friends and had them over for visits, I had a man come twice a month to play his accordion, I contacted her church and had the pastor come visit and some ladies from the church came once a month; and I made sure mom could watch religious programs on Sunday mornings if she wanted to. I always asked anyone who was sick or around someone who was sick not to visit until they were feeling better. Even though my mom couldn’t walk anymore I made sure I got her up and out of bed every day. When it was nice we sat outside or I pushed her in her wheelchair for a walk or to go to the store. We did activities every day: arts and crafts, puzzles, games, exercise, and we did lots and lots of singing. My mom was happy being at home and I know I was able to give her better care than she would ever get even at the highest priced assisted living facility. If none of this convinces your family that keeping your mom at home is the best option, just have them Google “dementia patients live longer when families delay putting them in a nursing home” and that should be all the evidence they need!

What scares me is that 40% [up from the 30% we had been reading about] of caregivers die while taking care of a loved one. Those are not good odds, even back when it was 30%.

Doug Seubert - I have to take issue with some of your blanket statements and what comes across as a guilt trip. Home care is not always the best kind of care. It's great you could do that for your mom, but there are so many ways that won't be true for others.

I don't believe fall rates are higher in a NH than at home. Home care does not have mandated fall reporting like a facility does, so comparing the two is a red herring. Home based falls could be the same or greater - nobody can know at this point. I can say that the staff where my mom is are trained on fall prevention, and they do a lot of preventive measures to avoid fall situations.

A lot of nice facilities take Medicaid and you aren't forced to move. It has no bearing whatsoever on the care standard for the patient. It's up to the person looking into whatever senior residence is needed to make sure they will take Medicaid when the time comes. It's part of due diligence before signing up.

Assisted living will not keep someone in the advanced stages of dementia, or if the person requires 24/7 supervision and skilled nursing, because that's not assisted living. Assisted living isn't the same as a dementia care/memory care facility. To place your loved one in the right kind of facility to start with, it's important to understand what each kind will & won't do. Make sure the facility can handle advancing needs, or yes, there will be a move required into somewhere else. Care occurs on a continuum, and not every place is a nursing home. You have to do your homework in advance.
It sounds like you had a pretty ideal setup, and that's great. You were lucky and very fortunate. That will not be true for everyone who comes here looking for help and options.

Nobody offered to take over my bills when my mom got to be unsafe on her own. Nobody offered to contribute to my retirement account so I could stop working. Nobody offered to pay for my health & dental benefits, car insurance, gas, food, piano & violin lessons or orthodontist for my kids either. Not everybody in caregiving is retired and can uproot to move in with their aging parent for 10, 15, or more years depending on what kind of dementia is involved.

Some of us have had parents with dementia and very wild, violent behaviors that I would have never been able to control in my own home simply due to my lack of size & strength. I wouldn't dream of putting my family in that kind of risk for harm. Nor would I expect my teenagers & family to give up our home to convert it to full time dementia care. That would be disastrously unfair to them. Home is our sanctuary away from the world.

Saying one choice is better than another is very narrow in perspective. Each family has to make this determination on their own based on their own situation, research, and visits to local facilities to understand the options.

Realistically, it shouldn't be an either/or situation. More knowledge of resources for home care would be helpful, so caregivers know how to implement and plan as Doug has done. Support groups really need to be more plentiful as well.

And BTW, Doug, I love the idea of an accordion player at home. I'm going to check on that and see if there are any local groups that might do that. I might even make it a neighborhood event - have someone to entertain at the local beach, invite the neighbors, and have a neighborhood picnic party.

I also think having more programs such as the Alzheimers Assn. sponsored would help - other than forums and support groups, it's not as if caregivers have a lot of places to turn for help.

But I also think that someone with funds to be creative could create man caves in AL, IL and LTC facilities. They don't need to have a fully stocked workshop, maybe just a few projects here and there that woodworkers could sand, fit, or in some other ways putter around the shop. I was thinking of a finishing shop where woodworking trainees could come to share knowledge and stories with elders. The young ones could do the cutting and fitting, and bring the nearly finished projects for elders to help with.

Same with activities for women; There are ways of making quilts that could be managed by those with dementia, and are in some ways easier than beading and less boring than bingo.

I also firmly believe that adaptive gardening has a major role to play as well.

But wouldn't it be great if Lowes or Home Depot had a little satellite store with demonstrations on things men could do while in a care facility? Might be unrealistic, but think what a draw it would be.

The falls data is out there. I did a research project on falls among the elderly for graduate school, and using IDC-10 codes you can classify falls data by location (where the fall happened) and compare falls in nursing homes, hospitals, etc. Despite mandatory reporting, all falls that occur in nursing homes are not reported. Only the falls that are witnessed and result in the need for medical attention get reported.Even if you compare falls at home and falls that occur in a nursing home and look at what % result in ED visits or hospitalizations you'll learn very quickly that more falls occur in nursing homes, especially when you search ages 65 and over; and you can even cross reference for diagnosis of dementia.

It has nothing to do with guilt. I was simply stating some facts and sharing my personal experience to support the person who posted this question. She wanted advice on how to stop the passive-aggressive pressures to put her mom in a nursing home. I gave her several reasons why caring for her mom is better than institutionalized care.

I was only 40 (not retired) when I quit my job and it was a sacrifice. I spent all of my savings and most of my retirement to be able to care for my mom at home. But it was a sacrifice I was willing to make. Sometimes you need to give up violin lessons for a while.

For another research project I compared home care rates, attitudes, and beliefs among different countries and cultures. Here in the USA we are very quick to put our parents in nursing homes. We could learn a lot about the health care system in other countries like Japan, where elders are treated with more reverence and respect and they are cared for by their families.

We should be supporting people who want to care for families members at home instead of trying to rationalize why institutional care for our elderly should be the preferred option.

GardenArtist -- it was pretty easy to find musicians to come to our house. I suggest you check with your local senior community center, or try the local hospice program (they often have volunteers who do music and event pet therapy). I like your idea of the beach party/picnic. We had 2 neighborhood parties at our house last year and had music and food and my mom really enjoyed visiting with the people who came. I did music therapy with my mom everyday while I was caring for her. Now I do music therapy in people's homes and I visit nursing homes and attend "memory cafes" in my community and help with music and other activities.

If I were you my initial reaction would be to go round to your aunt's house, ring her doorbell and poke her in the eye. I wouldn't do it, of course, but my goodness I would want to.

I needed to think what it was about her tone that got right up my nose. And I think it's the combination of patronising and superior, coming from someone who is not constantly in the company of your mother but is nevertheless entirely confident that she understands her needs better, that did it.

I'm delighted that their friend did so well in a nursing home. Good for her.

I'm sure that your mother does tell her that she doesn't do much, and that your aunt perceives this as a problem.

But it's not as though you haven't considered the alternatives, is it. I assume your aunt is aware of the failed experiments?

So you're supposed to think "my, this place sounds wonderful! How marvellous it would be for mother's quality of life! Never mind mother's known personal preferences, resistance to regimentation, attachment to her familiar surroundings and all that - let's give it a whirl! Thanks auntie! You're a life saver."

Then there's the sly implication that you, Ms Dogsbody, have learned nothing about the spiritual, emotional and intellectual aspects of dementia care. Hey, as far as you're concerned as long as the old gal's clean, fed and watered everything is dandy, right? (No, didn't think so).

Sorry I'm just too cross to be helpful. ***Bloody*** woman. I'm not surprised she ruined your day, she's ruined my evening and she's not even my problem. I'll come back when I've calmed down a bit.

Doug, yours is an extraordinary story. Are you suggesting everyone should quit their jobs at 40, spend their life savings, and devote their lives to caregiving? You must realize that is not realistic for 99 per cent of the population. You are either an exceptional person or a very rich one or both perhaps.

I don't disagree that elders should be care for at home if possible, but in this country the system is not set up to help families achieve this. So what is your deal? You still retired and full time caregiving? What are you and Mom living on? You have a large trust fund?

Let me take another direction here and address the issue of quitting work to care for an elder, or even a younger family. And I'm speaking from personal experience obviously.

At first there's a relief from the routine, the getting up early to clear the walks of snow in the winter, plodding through bad roads to get to work...same thing over and over throughout cold weather.

There's also a relief from the office politics. No more backstabbing!

Then gradually the relief changes to a kind of nostalgia for the interaction of work, the stimulation of problem solving, the pleasure and rewards of positive work performed (in my case) for clients, the gratitude for a job well done (sometimes rewarded by a nice raise and bonus at the end of the year).

That then segues into a more intense loss of intellectual stimulation and interaction. Sure, I can read stimulating books and get out my old college texts to challenge my mind, but it's not the same as applied stimulation in a problem solving work environment.

Then there's the sense and monotony of being drawn into a regimen of driving, same old routes because there just aren't better ways to get from point a to points b and c, same old traffic patterns (distracted and tailgating drivers, people who run red lights and nearly smash your car), sitting in doctor's waiting rooms, sitting in ER rooms....these substitute for interaction with co-workers.

Instead of providing services, you're on the receiving end, and it's easy to distinguish the manner in which you're now treated. You're a customer, a client, and there's a sense of mentally being kept at bay because you're not an employee at the places you're visiting.

That's when it really sets in that you're no longer in the working world but in a world that's somewhat between two realities, a kind of no-person's limbo. And that's when you really miss working, just being able to interact with people and not worrying about someone's medical issues.

If I gave up my job to care for my mother, it's not violin lessons I'd be giving up. It would be eating, paying my mortgage and little things like that. Also, any hope of retirement, since mom started needing fill time care when I turned 60.

On the brighter side, if she'd be in my care, she would certainly Be Dead By now. I would not have caught any of the 3 bouts of pneumonia she's had, nor the heart block. None of these came with any of the obvious symptoms, just a bit of lethargy. But the fact that there were trained nurses around to alert the doctor or APRN made a big difference.

DougSeubert, you were only 40 when your Mother needed help.... try doing all that caregiving when you are in your 60's and 70's.... huge difference.

Back when I was 40 was I a gym rat, I could hike 20 miles on a weekend, climb ladders with a single bound, was faster than a speeding bullet.... then I hit 65, oh my gosh, what the heck happened. I was in my OWN age decline. If I had to do hands on care at my parent's house [who are in their mid-90's], who would lift ME if I should fall?

I still have a career and I cannot quit.... it wasn't until my parents got into their later years that I realized hey who is going to take care of me since I was never had children? I would need to hire a lot of people to do all those things.

Yes, keeping Mom and Dad at home might work for some people, but not for everyone. For my parents when the time comes that they need another layer or help [right now they are independent in a single family home except for driving] it probably would be Assisted Living otherwise my parents would barricade the door to let any professional come in to help.

GA, your description was vivid and, in my experience anyway, very accurate. Yes indeed, you do end up feeling like an Unperson. And yes indeed, that does go both for elder care and for childcare.

We probably ought to start a different discussion group about this topic - maybe later.

But continuing your theme, in an idle moment yesterday I found myself calculating how "Society" (that nebulous country populated by Average People) values my own various types of expertise and experience. And apparently, based on the relative pay scales that apply, my ability to compose grammatical sentences is more than 120 times more valuable than my ability to provide for the needs of young children and frail elders over sustained periods without giving in to the urge to knock them on the head and bury them in a flower bed.

And that's just the numbers talking. When you also factor in the reactions from other people you describe - the changes in facial expression when they engage you in conversation, the assumptions made about your awareness of world events and so on - Society is if anything even more insulting.

But I don't think the answer can simply be to pay somebody *else* to do that work; because if they are paid what the job is worth in societal terms they will often do it very badly, QED; but if they were - ho ho - paid what it's worth in terms of responsibility then every family in the land would be bankrupt. My conclusion is that we are living with a social model that is not fit for purpose.

And I've wound up so off topic it's ridiculous - apologies, Grumpyotter.

I loved your comments even if they are off topic CM. There are gems like yours buried in unrelated threads all over the site, I wish there was an easy way to gather them all together into one place.

Doug you are luckt to have friends to help out. Don't have that luxury. I moved to the state mom lives in to help her. Her friends only show up for bdays and xmas noq. Sometimes they leave presents outside the door.nice huh? Even with me here most of the time and having home care she is still going to run out of money and will have to sell the house (those no home no home care) and move to a facility if she outluves her money.

I want to thank all of you who provided helpful answers. This morning I had an epiphany. My aunt is having trouble accepting that her beloved older sister will never be better. I think she is grasping at straws in an attempt to deal with those concerns. I am going to keep that in mind as I craft my reply to her. Thanks for the support!

And just as a fun little aside, I just called them to check on pricing, and the base fee is $4800 - $7500 depending on the level of care required, and then anything like phone calls and incontinence supplies are extra.

lol

Wow Windyridge, you sure are mean spirited. No, I am not rich. But I did leave a good-paying job with full benefits to be able to be a live in caregiver for my mom. She got about $1,100 in Social Security each month and that paid most of the bills for the house (heat, utilities, phone, and food). I paid the property taxes, and covered the Internet, satellite TV and paid for my own food and personal needs. I used my savings and cashed in about 50% of my IRA retirement funds. I hired some personal care workers and relied on other family members and friends to help me, but I did all of my mother's personal cares (bathing, toileting, feeding) myself. I bought her a hospital bed and wheel chair for about $3,800 and also a recliner/lift chair for $1,200. I paid a private nurse $60 a visit to come to our home twice a month. Mom's health insurance and Medicare paid for her medications and for her health care (it just didn't cover any of the home equipment like the bed, chairs or the private nurse, and it didn't cover any of the home care workers I hired). It was a sacrifice and a struggle. This was not easy to do. My mom wanted to stay at home and I did what I needed to do to make that happen. I could have easily shipped her off to a nursing home and visited once a week at first, then once a month, then just on the holidays, and then eventually not at all. I could have kept my good job and traveled and took vacations, enjoyed life. But the real joy in life comes from helping others, and I will never regret the decisions and the sacrifices I made. At my mom's funeral a lot of people told me how lucky she was that she had me there to take care of her. But I always corrected them and said I was the lucky one. Caring for my mom was difficult but it was also a great source of joy.

All I am saying is that it CAN be done, and you don't have to be rich or retired to do it. Its a shame so many people on here are into personal attacks instead of offering support and advice. I answered this question because this person is caring for her mom at home, just like I did, and I wanted to support her efforts. I disagree that only 1% of people would be able to do this.

As for what I am doing now? I started a full time job in January and I make $25,000 a year (about half of what I made at the job i quit to be my mom's caregiver) and i get no benefits. But one of the lessons I learned from this us that money is not everything. I continue to lead a very simple life. In my spare time I do a lot of volunteer work. Twice a week I visit the Alzheimer's Care Unit at a local nursing home and I visit with the resident who never seem to have any family members visiting. I always bring my guitar and do sing a longs, and then I chat with the residents and just spend time with them. last week I brought along dice and a cup and me and three of the male residents spent about an hour shooting dice and laughing and having a good time. I also started a non-profit organization in honor of my mother and I have purchased my mom's house from her estate and on evenings, weekends and overnights I provide free respite care for those who are carting for someone at home. A caregiver can drop their loved one off at my house and I will stay with him or her and provide care if the caregiver needs a break, has an appointment, wants to run errands, go out to dinner, or for any other reason. I am also starting a "Share the Care" program in my county. I want to support people who are caring for a family member at home. We all need more support and resources. Just as you said that home care is not for everyone, nursing home care is not for everyone either. I respect and admire those who choose home care and I want to support them and encourage more people to do it.

Doug, you said above "All I am saying is that it CAN be done". How?

Doug you never mentioned having a spouse or children... put those into the dynamics and it's a whole different ball game. Same different ball game if the grown child is a senior citizen him/herself with a variety of interesting health issues that can pop up out of no where. Where did that heart attack come from? I broke what? Yikes, cataracts, no wonder it's hard to drive at night?

You will note on the forums there is a lot of reality checks. And I am glad some of the writers are frank about what is going on in their lives.

Doug you are doing some wonderful things in your mom's memory. At the same time, I think you're missing the forest for the trees. I would guess a majority of the caregivers on here are much older than you are. I googled your website and would guess from your pictures you're a young man in his 40s. You still have time to rebuild your portfolio and life. I'm 64. I don't have time to lose half of my 401K and start over again at half of my previous income. I have no children, so I'm it as far as my financial support goes. Others are still supporting children and spouses.

Additionally, your personal/career interests are in line with what you did for your mom. Not everyone shares those interests. I think we all have to respect the choices each of us makes. Plainly and simply, not everyone can do what you did for your mom, You're lucky to have the intelligence, education, and resources to do it. Not everyone else is as blessed and you need to recognize that fact.