Repairs! Expectations? How to say no to taking on house repairs?

OMGosh, we could be twins!

I was raised by a dad who taught all of us basic work skills, so I could use the power tools, the lawnmower, all the household appliances, the car--how to troubleshoot and sometimes just fix something. Basic life skills.

Wow--have those skills stood me in good stead over the course of my marriage! My DH traveled about 75% of the time and I simply COULDN'T wait for him to come home and replace the old water heater or fix a sprinkler line.

He went out of town, blissfully unaware that I was doing everything short of the electrical repair and pouring concrete (though I can do that, to an exent).

I had major foot surgery 7 weeks ago that sidelined me completely. Like--bedridden. Suddenly he has all MY chores on top of trying to work from home and take nominal care of me. He was in over his head, big time. Exhausted every day and told me about it. No sympathy from this quarter :)

We have a heavy glass front door which needed the 'closure mechanisms' replaced. The door should have stayed propped open on it's own, but the closer broke, oh, 10 years ago. He refused to let me hire it done--and I would have done it on my own, but it bugged me only when bringing groceries in. 4 weeks ago he was carrying in a BIG grocery shop and the door was slamming shut in his face. He got angry--at the door, I guess, IDK, but I said "That's it! I'm calling a dude". He blew up and I said "B, it's been 10 YEARS that has needed fixing. You won't fix it, you won't let me and you won't let me hire it out. This is RIDICULOUS!"

I guess I must have been on the verge of a meltdown b/c we have a LOT of these little 'honey dos' that honey DON'T do. And never will.

I am not going to rehab to the little non-stop worker bee that he's used to. (He doesn't even know what day garbage day is--that's how much I've spoiled him!)
I'm still in recovery from cancer, shingles, COVID and now this surgery. I'm tired...just bone deep. Plus, at age 65, I feel like I deserve to be able to spread our money amongst small local business, which is who now does my lawn, my housecleaning and grocery delivery!

I don't see how you can talk to him without some 'heat'. My DH only really responds to me when I am crying and what he calls 'out of control'. I hate having to go there to get him to listen to me. I have literally gotten down on my knees in front of him and BEGGED for small jobs to either be done within a reasonable length of time or I will hire the job out. So humiliating--but it works.

I realize your DH has some deficits, so that may not be the tactic to use with him. What DOES affect him? Straight talk--just kind,, but factual and honest. "DH, I am 72 years old and I do not want to play this game anymore. I'm retiring from being your dogsbody". And then hold firm.

Point out to him that work like running sprinkler line is inherently dangerous to our ankles. Trust me, this broken ankle has slowed me to a literal depressing crawl. And I now have 8 weeks of rehab ahead of me.

Simply STOP helping him. I told DH he really needed to keep up on the lawn watering in the backyard as we do not have sprinklers (a job that's been on the back burner for 42 years)....and within 2 weeks of over 100 temps, the lawn and gardens are all dead.

It took having stuff right in his face to see that somethings ARE worth doing on your own and some are totally worth jobbing out.

Be tough. I know when I say anything about anything needing to be fixed--he says "I can do that!" Yes, he can do about anything, but he doesn't--and I would never care if he'd let someone else do it!

I remember being outside mowing the lawn when I was undergoing chemo. My neighbors were appalled and DH was so embarrassed. But he would wait so long between mowings it was like harvesting wheat.

Hang tight. Be tough. You deserve to retire!

"No" is a complete sentence. Until you learn that, and walk away from his tantrums, nothing will change. "...taking apart his scooter and lifting in and out of vehicle..." are you kidding me? Toughening up takes practice. It starts with you telling him "no, I can't possibly do that."

THhanks for the response. I too hate it when I have to 'go there' to get anything done. It's exhausting...and we shouldn't have to resort to it. Having said that, I hear you. This maybe our new normal, and I'll have to set limits...and stick to them. I'll try...but I fear there are a lot of arguments and bad feelings coming.

Stay well.
P.S. youtube has some great 'chilling offerings if you search on "sounds to lower blood pressure". 😬

Check into a nice hotel for a week and leave DH to fend entirely for himself while you order room service and daily massages. Turn your cell phone off and turn the ringer off the room phone, letting the front desk know you're not to be disturbed.

During the week you're gone, DH should experience a nice wake up call about how it feels to be alone and without any help, and without you doing ANY of his bidding or listening to ANY of his infantile tantrums.

See how he likes it, because you can arrange to be gone permanently if he doesn't stop the nonsense and start treating you as a beloved wife instead of a slave laborer he can order around.

Stop allowing the abuse immediately and recognize your worth. Then demand your husband recognize it as well. Otherwise you don't have much of a marriage left to salvage. At 72 years old, you deserve to be treated with respect and love. Please know that and accept nothing less. Enough is enough.

You don't have to do any manual labor repairs. Most ladies in their 70's don't, why should you just because your husband expects you to?
And - don't forget - most repairs are not emergencies. Sometimes they don't get done for years or at all by some people.
Just call a Plumber, Handyman, etc and let them in when they arrive. I think your husband will accept this - if you stand firm.

I'm one who always did the repairs, have major knee injuries - and now I have to hire out 99% of repairs. Annoys me having to hire people, but that's the way it is. When you can't do it - you can't do it.

Someone recently posted that many men refer to their wives as ‘my other half’. Then if they can’t do something, their mind says that the wife is the ‘half’ that still works.

There is a compromise, of course. Men whose wife can’t, do learn to shop and cook (not always well). But there is a limit in strength and background skills for many skills around the house and yard, and one person shouldn’t be expected to take over the work of two.

Walk away from the tantrums, as is the normal advice. Either hire the help yourself, or let the lawn die. No need to ask permission, or even to discuss it. You have to take charge about more things, just do it your way.

Something slightly dishonest but might work is to start a task then suddenly keel over with an intense back ache, or leg pain...something debilitating.       Struggle to move, shed some tears if you can, and complain about the pain.  Then  make it clear you can't move freely and can't complete whatever task he's given you. 

(Just don't forget to keep faking it!)

Sometimes a little fibbing is necessary.

Dad keeps wanting something repaired or moved. I or someone else help do it. Then it's another thing. If I keep putting it off, he keeps mentioning it until its done.

I will say this -- and it isn't what you want to hear -- but knowing these things will help keep you from being ripped off when someone is brought in to do repairs. He's trying to teach you to understand how things work in the house, so when he's gone, you won't be completely clueless about them. It's not bad to know how to do a $15 repair where a plumber would cost $200.

Or, tell him you're not interested in knowing these things and just hire out the work.

"he throws a tantrum. Ultimately (so far) I give in"

Like in Groundhog Day, that big puddle on the street. You see it. You know you are heading towards it - yup. Splash again.. So HOW to step around it? HOW to cross the road? 🤔

Losing independence is hard. DH probably wants to stay in control.

My 1st idea is put it kindly & give him control you can "I just can't do that job - I'm getting old too - we need to accept hiring someone. We can choose Bob or Bill." Then let him have some input & control in the hiring choice.

2nd idea is be a bit slippery. Just casually mention Mr Fixit is coming around shortly. Maybe he won't make a scene in front of him??

3rd idea - be blunt. I said no. I won't do it. You can yell, pout & carry on but it won't change my mind. I said no. Leave room. Hire someone.

If you have a peacemaker streak, overriding him & saying no will be very hard for you. But it is possible with practice.

Unfortunately small vessel ischemic disease or TIAs will effect his thinking. He won't know it, feel it or accept it. So no point discussing it. Common sence goes. Eg unable to reason that a retirement aged woman can not do heavy maintenance.

Plenty on this forum have reported being asked by very elderly parents to get on ladders or the roof, clean gutters etc when they are old enough to need that help themselves! Parents are 90 & think their adult kids are still 35!!

I hope others can offer practical help for your problem here, to help reduce your stress. (We know how bad stress on caregivers is).

My situation is similar except I'm living in my Dad's home and I'm his caregiver/helper. Therefore, he "parents" me and says he's sure I can repair something or do certain tasks etc. There is really no room for negotiation and he is not completely realistic (but thinks he is). I'm working full time, virtually, and doing everything to assist my Dad and maintain his home etc. He says "no" to hiring contractors for home repairs or maintenance, including lawn & snow services. It sounds like your husband and my father are very similar. I do understand this mentality (depression-era generation) but I'm only one person. My physical and mental health have tanked. 😔

You are not alone. My friend and I are both 73. And both of us take directions from hubbies because they can't bend down anymore. So we have changed toilets, stop leaks under sinks, climbed ladders to clean gutters, she redid their sprinklers!! We laugh about it and say we are learning how to do everything once our hubbies pass. As long as you are careful, and completely understand the directions, do it!! We think about it as exercise and we don't need to go to a gym. Maybe a little attitude adjustment might help? When he passed you will be wishing he was still around being the director? Or not! Up to you.

Wow, after reading everyone's suggestions and reading about all the extras you do, you do have a lot on your plate!! I'd go with the : my back hurts today, I will help you tomorrow!! Loved the go to a hotel and let him experience not having you around. Which could happen if you get hurt!! Walk away when he starts the tantrums! Good luck!!

My husband does the same
thing. He will grouse and pout about doing maintenance, yet refuse to allow me to pay to have it done. Ex: we both have auto assistance, but if I have a flat tire he demands that I call him first and then he goes ahead and does the work. This applies to ALL home/car related issues. My single female friends say “Your SO LUCKY to have a husband that is so handy and you should BE GRATEFUL. Followed by a scold of “YOU better learn how to do those things for yourself! (Like change a tire).

You stated you have osteoporosis. And as you know some positions can be dangerous with that condition. So be very careful and use that as an excuse! Getting up on a ladder to clean a friggin' gutter?! Really? Is that worth a fall and broken hip or back? Hardly. Lifting his wheelchair?! You can use that condition as an excuse and say your doctor has forbidden you to do x, y ,z.
I surmise he has always been a control freak and therefore he wants to stay that way. You have probably unknowingly acquiesced to his way or the highway.
It will be hard but time to teach him how to treat you. Use your words…"No, I can no longer do that due to my health". End of sentence and walk off. Yes he will want to argue but go "gray rock" on him (look that up). Vascular ischemia will eventually destroy his ability for executive functions and reasoning will be difficult. Start asserting yourself now.

You are doing SUPER! However, we all need to learn our limits. What you feel you can do please continue to do. You are not just learning new skills for yourself, but you are learning what you should know to deal with a repair job you will need to eventually hire a contractor for. This knowledge will keep you from being taken advantage of. As for your husbands "tantrums" - it is time to discuss this first with him primary care Doc and then a specialist as necessary. As his problems or actions become more severe or hard to take, turn to the doctors. You don't need to feel alone in this.

You are not alone, even the doctors will agree, you need to remember and care about yourself too. It sounds as if Husband is no longer able to. If your neighbors offer to help that is wonderful, but for my experience this doesn't happen often. If you have grown children are they ready, willing, and able to help out with these "fixes". Sometimes we are just forgetful when it comes to asking our Children for "Help". They may not see the simple fact that you and Hubby need them and their assistance.

God Bless and Good Luck!

More than your not wanting to take on even more tasks than you already have, there is risk of accident or injury if you get involved in a project that is really too much for you or that does not go well. Safety is a stronger argument than resentment at being asked to do more.
What will happen if you do not give in to your husband's tantrums and protests?

You get exercise and it keeps you busy, plus you're exercising your mind by learning to do things.

Didn't you feel a sense of accomplishment, digging the sprinkler lines, sawing the lines and replacing the valves for example?

Sadly, there are many contractors, service people who will take advantage of homeowners, especially women, if you're not careful. By the time you realize you've been had, they're gone. If you do go that route, be on guard to the service/repair person that is extra nice and veers away from why they are there, such as talking about personal matters, current events, etc, anything to get your mind off why they're there, in other words "being friends".


True story, my mom had an issue with a faucet handle we couldn't fix on our own. Called the plumber, he came out, and conveniently broke the handle. He just so happened to have a whole "new" sink in his van. Because the other one was damaged and could not be repaired, we had no choice but to go with this option; of course this meant a nice commission for him. Interesting thing, a worker from the same company had put in the sink many years ago. This "new" sink is smaller and cheaply made, (just like the bulk of current products today). So be careful.

My husband and I always worked together on the home repairs, however we did hire people. I do a lot but not what you are doing. I think it's way too much and while my husband doesn't throw tantrums, I say no when I have to. I just say I can't do it, I say I'm tired and we can call someone and pay, or we don't have to do it. If he's physical with you and it's dangerous then you may have to get some help in there. If he's just yelling, then take it, leave the room and he'll probably get over it after a while. Tantrums die down, when the request goes unanswered repeatedly.

Juse don't talk about it.
If some repair comes up that you don't want to do, don't ask permission, hire someone to do it.

You have to break not only a pattern, but your belief 'system' - that you HAVE TO do what your husband tells you to do. YOU DO NOT.

* You have to put your health first.
* You need to hire whoever you need to hire to do what you cannot - and likely - should not be doing (hard labor).
* You need support to change deeply rooted psychological beliefs. Enlist family, friends, professional therapist.
* It is a matter of learning to value yourself in ways you haven't been doing. It starts with self-care - wanting self-care - enough to say "enough already". I'm not doing it anymore. Period. Walk out of the room.

Gena / Touch Matters

I use to work at the phone company in the “call before you dig,” office.
You need to do this so you don’t hit anything electrical underground.
Everyone thinks it’s fine until they do it.
PS: You’re not his slave, your his wife.

In a case like this and at your age, YOU MUST CONTROL THE SITUATION AND STAND UP TO HIM. If you want to fix things and are capable, then o.k. but if you can't or don't want to, then tell him off - HIRE THE PERSON and warn the person coming how he is and that they are to deal with you only and ignore him. This is horrible. He wants to control you but it is not right and realistic. Just let him rant and carry on but YOU should have power of attorney now so YOU can make decisions and handle the finances. And he he gets too difficult, then you must place him before he destroys you. Do not let that happen.

i am sure it is hard and you have done far more than me in repairing/fixing things. however if you really don't want to do it......just tell him that you hurt your back or something else hurts (even if it doesn't) and tell him that you still don't feel comfortable doing it. And tell him no fits about hiring someone that is more knowledgeable in fixing the item. wishing you luck.

He's probably been able to save thousands over the years because he was a good handy man. To pay now seems wasteful. I completely understand that logic!!!

Is there anyone in the family who is equally handy? Or a young one that seems to do well 'fixing' things around the house? (I was THAT child all my life - might have to ask how to do it, but could fix nearly anything....I always said can fix anything except a broken heart!!) See if you can get someone 'on call' to do little projects. Don't tell hubby. Just say I can't get down there behind the toilet today or right now. Go somewhere and make the call and ask them to pretend they were just dropping by. Will save an argument. If you want to, you can pay them on the side or include with the price of the parts.

If no family handy man/woman, then ask neighbors for names of someone who could be on call. One of them might have someone in their family who would be interested in a few bucks on the side to help you

HAve your doctor tell you in writing that you are not to be doing this kind of work. Keep a copy handy and tell your husband it's "doctor's orders " that you must not do the work. If you can email your doctor ahead of time about this and bring your husband to the appointment he could hear it from the doctor directly.

Consider what is reasonable for your abilities, energy, and sanity. Let your husband know as kindly as you can, "I really appreciate your confidence in my abilities to 'do it all'. However, I really only have the energy and sanity to deal with... If we need to do other tasks, we will need to hire somebody."

Judycares: Imho, your user name speaks volumes, truly. It is IMPERATIVE that you care for yourself and 'just say no' when some of these household SUPER projects are way beyond your capability. Do not even proceed with a project that is very much beyond your skill set. You're already doing it all. "When will it end?" The answer must be 'now,' else you injure yourself and are good to no one, especially being a caregiver to your DH. Hire out services.

If you hurt yourself to appease your husband, who is going to take care of you and him? You need to draw a red line. Any repair cost will not compare to a hospital injury cost. You need to confront this issue head on before both of you end up in the hospital.

Why would you do that? You could hurt yourself permanently. Say no and if he starts something, leave. No way would I be doing all that you do. I would have left already or put him in a nursing home.