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For those of you were tired of my posts, sorry. For those of you who understand how sick this whole thing is, thank you. To sum up, narcissistic mother left at age 13 (but waited until 13) to go to Europe. Depressed. Anxious. Never took responsibility. At age 17, called me every night about problems. Swore would never live in the same city with her. Did not come to wedding, graduations or pay for anything. One-way relationship.
I felt compassion and fear so tried to keep her at bay. Paid for her to live as she lost money and I wanted her FAR away from me. About 1.5 years ago, at 77, she had another life attack and was frozen after acting semi-decent. We saw her a couple times in 10 years. Maybe 15 days. Now for the past 1.5 years she emails 10 times a day (to multiple emails, from 5 emails, pretend rabbis), skypes, LinkedIn messages, facebook. I've blocked and blocked. I've called police in Florida 5 times. I've gone to police in San Francisco and filed a harassment order. I've spoken with lawyers. She has clearly stated that there is no way she is honoring boundaries at her age. She will not be decent. Not with her world crashing down. She will not stop. I am the only one. Doesn't want to be in St. Louis with my sister. Doesn't want to live alone in nice condo I offered to buy her. I'm still working through how to not feel guilty and how to be okay with not knowing her whereabouts. She really doesn't leave the room in the hotel. She really is miserable. But, she won't agree to anything but me coming to save her and that's not happening. She is evil and conniving and manipulative. I need some more support. Yes, counselor supports me to meditate, set boundaries. She will not honor any. Interrupts my daily life and my thoughts and my activities. Uploading to police file now. More time. Her sick thinking is that she gave birth to me and I owe her my life.

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I just read your responses since I posted. Two things caught my eye, first that your in touch with the hotel people and second you are contemplating sending her more money!

The hotel people, tell them you will no longer be in contact with them and you are cutting off any financial aid to Mom. Do not contact u with any problems, call the police. Tell them to say to the police Mom is mentally ill and needs to be Baker Acted. This is the only way she may get help. Mom has 170k, she needs to spend it.

I am sure u were told this last year. The only way you can solve this problem is to go NO CONTACT. Forget ur Mom exists. Get rid of any emails you don't need for business. Block, block, block. If someday u get a call from APS in Fla, you tell them Mom walked out on u at 13. You have no relationship with her. She is mentally ill and you cannot care for her or want to. That the State of Fla needs to become her guardian.
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I don't believe OP is only giving mom 30K a year I think its a lot more than that. The only way this ends is when her mother dies.
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"Ahhh...astute. We paid her the amount for the year that we agreed upon (30k) and will not fund until next January. So, I have stopped paying her and will have to see what comes around next year."

Why in blazes are you paying this bully $30k per year?

It doesn't keep her from threatening you, does it?

What are you afraid of? Her showing up in CA? Where you can get a restraining order for harassment?

What part of "stop this madness" are you not getting?
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So, you are THINKING about cutting off her "funding"--in reality, hostage payments.

Kiddo, do you have a shrink yet?

G'mar Chatimah Tova.

Use Monday to do some soul searching about why you feel obligated to this abusive person.
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PeggySue2020 Sep 2023
What? She now says she is still giving mom money but is talking to cops to restrain her?
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Ocd, your mom will naturally ramp it up now that you’ve cut her off from 30k a year.
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Cut off all communication and funds . Get a Ring camera at your door. Do not answer the door if your mother comes . If she does not leave , call the police and file a restraining order . OP , find a good therapist for yourself . Tell yourself that you can do this. Move forward in your life . Redirect all the time and energy you use propping up your mother on making life better for you and your immediate family that you live with .
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In a nutshell. The OP's Mom reports as mentally ill &/or unstable.

The OP is has self-named herself OCDtrauma.

The OP can choose to seek therapy, to be open to new ways to respond to her world. Or not.

Choose to stay entwined into this, stay a victim. Let this Mother-obsession rule her life. Or not.

I wish you clarity & courage OCD.
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When you feel “guilty” about not helping a narcissist is exactly the way a narcissist wants you to feel. If a narcissist has helped a person in anyway she thinks in her warped mind that that person is obligated to her for the rest of his/her life. I’m surprised that your narcissistic mother has not caused you to start taking psychotropic medications for depression. To survive the trauma of a narcissistic person, you have to disassociate yourself from her completely and move as far away from her as you can and NEVER go back. My question to you is how did she get your phone number or email address to contact you?

Remember that your narcissistic mother’s behavior will NEVER change. Also, a narcissist can NEVER show compassion or empathy, so do not expect this from your mother. You need to focus on YOUR sanity and health; do not let your mother ruin your life.
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Ocdtrauma70 Sep 2023
Thank you. Yes, I survived my horrible OCD 30 years ago but now I'm managing okay and have a great business, husband, and son. She did change from 2009-2020 and it was 2% of what it is now. She was never pleasant, but she was functioning and decent enough to tolerate from afar and for a 1 week visit (2 times). As for information, everything is public...nothing can be hidden on the internet. Even unlisted home phone numbers, my husband's cell phone can be found. All house purchase information is on blockshopper unless you get a New Mexico trust (I heard). My business is public as I am a public figure with 6,000 followers on LinkedIn and a website page. Everything is blocked on my phone, but voicemail fills up and I delete. I do think that even regular (even nasty) emails keep her alive and with some hope. She truly has no contact with the world now and is in her room most of the time (hotel people tell me this). She isn't playing me, she just doesn't know how to escape her misery. But, if I give an inch, she'll take a mile, which is why I have not seen her or barely talked to her in almost 2 years. That said, she's in my head every day. Kind of a ptsd that is ongoing. I will not try to get her understanding. I will keep my boundaries. I do not think I can pretend she is dead. I will take care of myself. I will not read emails. I will not listen to voicemails. My husband will monitor the 1 email account channel we keep open. If this is foolish, maybe but I will follow this and I will not fund her next year if she violates. That is going to be hard. She will go nuts. She won't spend $20 on an uber with $170,000k in the bank. She won't spend a nickel, so a hoarding disorder on top, with depression and anxiety.
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Ok,, to the point, she has been threatening to come to you for AT LEAST 1 1/2 years,, but she not here yet! I think this is all hot air from her to keep you riled up, and it's working. Actually block her, not just "don't read the emails and check your phone calls later",, BLOCK HER and stop reading anything/listening to anything. HArd I know but it may get easier with time if you just pretend she is gone. And if by chance she does show up.. look her right in the eyes and ask "Who are you", and "Nope, OCD does not live here" and if you do not leave I will be calling the police. After all,, you haven't see her in years!
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I am starting to doubt that the OP cut off her mother financially.
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lealonnie1 Sep 2023
Bingo.
"My husband will monitor the 1 email account channel we keep open. If this is foolish, maybe but I will follow this and I will not fund her next year if she violates. That is going to be hard. She will go nuts. She won't spend $20 on an uber with $170,000k in the bank. She won't spend a nickel, so a hoarding disorder on top, with depression and anxiety."
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OCD, I've read a few of your previous posts, and I'm glad that you've made some strives in stopping the financial enabling and setting boundaries with your mother. It is sad when one cannot have a proper attachment with a parent. There are so many here on this platform that have rocky or no relationship with their parent(s) but have been guilted and manipulated into providing for them.

Your mother walked out on you at a very delicate age. Teenage girls need strong parental figures for love, guidance and financial support. Your mother forfeited her duties to you but is now harassing you to take care of her. She has not been a responsible parent to you. Even if she was, you are not old aged insurance for taking care of aging parents; especially if they've been difficult from the start. I'm not going to go into how rotten her childhood was if she got a bad start in life, because this does not excuse her behavior in how she has treated you all of these years.

Continue to keep your boundaries and follow through with your actions. You will be okay.
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Isthisrealyreal Sep 2023
I think that people use their terrible childhoods as a justification to be horrible and do the same or worse to others. My mom did for sure.

I am the only child of my parents that didn't do worse to others because I had it so hard as a child. And I experienced shit that no person, let alone a child should ever have to survive through. It sucked enough that I decided I wouldn't ever perpetuate the horrors I suffered, so I know it is a choice. I also don't see myself as a victim and my brother revels in poor me, all while doing worse then we dealt with but, he's a victim and his life shows the results of embracing that mind set. As we often see here with toxic, self serving "parents".

Such a waste of what could be if people would see others and not only themselves.
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Ocd, I am so sorry that you are being attacked instead of supported. Nice ladies! But for the grace of God goes every single one of us.

Ocd, have you ever addressed the abandonment of your 13 year old self by the one person life tells us we should be able to count on? I feel so bad for you every time I see that you are still trying to be good enough for your mom to treat you better, different, with love.

You know that you are stuck in that 13 year mentality with this hateful creature that birthed you and until you grow up with your self regarding her, you will forever be stuck. Please don't do this to yourself. You and your children deserve so much better then trying to earn the love and decent treatment from someone that only gives a crap about themselves.

You have your answer from the police, she needs to be in CA for them to do anything. You know why this is? Because she is NOT a real threat to you until she is at your door. Pay attention to that, it makes sense.

You have done good putting boundaries in place, stopped sending her money and everything else you have done, well done!

The hard part with all of this is that she won't quit. So you have to remain diligent and not have contact with her, regardless of how hard she tries.

You are not killing her and what a horrendous thing to say. She obviously, doesn't care about you or she would not have done or continue to do the vile things she does. That is NO reflection on you now or back when she walked out.

I do recommend that you seek counseling for your 13 year old self. That is a tough age under the best upbringing, I can't imagine how hard it was with the abandonment on top of just being a 13 year old girl.

Deal with that and I bet you find it in yourself to say enough already. Mommy dearest, choices have consequences and you are dealing with your choices, sucks but such is life. Bugger off now and enjoy the life you chose, me, I'm going to enjoy my family before they feel abandoned by me because of your nonsense.

You can do this!
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Hopeforhelp22 Sep 2023
Hi Isthisrealyreal - I respectfully disagree - she's not being "attacked" at all...but, continuing to "enable" someone is doing a disservice to them - and to those who continue to fill her as such aren't doing her any good - it's feeding her need for whatever that is. I had beyond so much compassion initially in the first few posts.

I think suggesting that someone open themselves up to helping and supporting others on this site rather than bouncing off after their "ongoing request for support" gets fulfilled would help the OP in the long run.
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Hi OCD - I believe that you feel comfortable using people.  I feel bad saying that, but I can't think of a more diplomatic way to say it.  And maybe, if you begin to help others, you'll move past consuming yourself on yourself - and your situation with your mother - which is more manageable than you make it out to believe. You come and go on this site only when you Need the attention to talk about you and the exact same facts. I think it's an entitled and self-important mindset - others on this site rally behind you and have poured their hearts out - and then you remain as is...only to expect a new round of the same rallying weeks or months later - and without ever giving yourself back to others. You say that your mother only thinks of herself. You don't want to be like her, do you? 

In a prior (but very similar post), you left some alarming news late in the day about your mother having just messenged you that she is going to kill herself. Others continued to write to you for support - but you left it silent after that. And you wrote back the next day the thoughts you had while you were at the theater the nite before. You were fine enough to go to a show, but I do believe that you left that climax as is so as not to respond back to others on this site that your mother was checked on and ok because it added to the drama.

I see question marks in your story - again on this post, you're referencing that she didn't pay for your wedding 20 years ago? I thought that's more of a father thing to do anyway - and, seriously, some people pay for their own wedding. She probably wasn't invited to your wedding and graduation, but you write your post in a way that makes her negligent. I think your narrative enables you to get exactly what you want and need - which is for people to support you in not hearing and speaking ever to your mother and relieving the guilt - and to feel sorry for you. But, you've heard it all already. Do you see this as taking advantage of others' good nature and time by continuing to say the same advice again to you? 

You're sending her photo and story to your entire townhouse community like she's some kind of armed, deranged fugitive - and to be on the look-out because she's dangerous - but, in reality, she's not. She's just a drama queen and neurotic - and pathetic. And that's about it. So, I really think you need to put your mother in perspective - because there are some really hideous mothers out there - physically and verbally toxic, violent and abusive - who have caused way worse. I'm truly not trying to minimize your own suffering with her, but rather trying to get you out of your own self.
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lealonnie1 Sep 2023
And this post will likely garner 100 comments too, as it's already up to 21. To be so afraid of a 77 year old neurotic drama queen to THIS extent is unreal.
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Regarding my use of the term "mentally ill":

I used that term advisedly. Many posters who come here have grown up with mentally ill parents who've told them that THEY are the ones who are not fitting in, not normal.

The OP who has lived with lifelong craziness deserves to know that their parent is very off balance and that damage has been done to their perception of reality.
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Beatty Sep 2023
So true.

It must be such a weight to be under.
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"I wouldn't feel safe leaving my house. She would be outside".

If she did turn up, you ask her to leave. It really can that simple.
If she didn't leave, you call 911.
All else seems panic & doom thinking.

Is this situation getting you past worried, into paranoia? What supports do you have for your own mental health?
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If she is outside your building or at your door, call 911.

Please stop being afraid of this paper tiger.

So she's outside. Does she have weapons?
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OCD, I'm SO proud of you for no longer sending her money!

That's HUGE in my book.

So she shows up. So what?

You have a doorman building, yes? Make sure they have a picture of her and DO NOT ENTER note.

You have a peephole, right? She shows up at your door, you call 911 and say there is a stranger at your door and have her arrested.
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Ocdtrauma70 Sep 2023
I sent a note for my building to send to all residents a few months ago with note and picture. We don't have a doorman but a passcode. I don't know if I could call police or what would happen after that. I wouldn't feel safe leaving my house. She would be outside.
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You stopped sending her money and she didn't die, didnt show up on your doorstep. None of the terrible things you imagined happened. Now onto the next step, completely cutting her out of your life as if she us already dead. Cell phones have an amazing feature called call block. Use it. Constantly calling soneone is against the law it's called harassment. Press charges. If she shows up at your house do not open the door call 911. Live your life.
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Ocdtrauma70 Sep 2023
Yes, she has 170K in the bank account. I get 9 calls somedays. She screams that I am a murderer and killing her. Along with 10 emails. It's not going to stop but I'll take it day by day.
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Let’s all stop saying ‘mentally ill’. If someone is ill, you have to feel sorry for them, not blame them. This woman is NOT mentally ill. She is very very self centered, with some very nasty tricks that have worked only too well for years. Absolutely sane! As soon as you say ‘mentally ill’, there are major roadblocks in dealing with ‘deliberately nasty’. OP, watch the language!
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BarbBrooklyn Sep 2023
Personality disorders ARE mental illness.

The "bad" language was mine, Margaret.
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Sending money to someone and then complaining that they are in touch with you...

How do the cops interpret that?

What does your lawyer say?
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Ocdtrauma70 Sep 2023
Lawyer says he could write a letter, but she wouldn't follow it and CA wouldn't do anything unless she was here. Then we'd have to go to court....
Yes, can't file harassment order against someone you support.
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If she shows up at your doorstep, you call 911.

Would you hesitate to do that?
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Yes.
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And STOP sending her money. That looks like collusion.
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Are the police willing arrest her for harassment? Then file the complaint.
Your "mother" is severely mentally ill.

She won't seek treatment. Your only alternative is to involve law enforcement to get her to stop harassing you, which is a crime.

Just do it. Why are you hesitant?
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Ocdtrauma70 Sep 2023
I took the step and filed the harassment order in San Francisco. I've spoken to Boca police who have gone out there 5 times. We have been told it isn't so clear cut that she could be arrested in Florida. We also think better to let her wallow in her hotel room than have her out of the hotel and then on her way to us. That is the hesitation.
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Dear OCD - In your comments, you state that you "need" more support. Really? Because this profile is EXACTLY the same as numerous others from you - really, you could have cut and pasted the verbiage on to this because nothing has changed. What is it that you're looking for because you had an onslaught of responses from others who took a lot of their valuable time to extend so much support, guidance, support, advice, etc.

There comes a time that this just looks like it's "attention seeking." Which is really what your mother does too - isn't it? She does this to you. And now you're mirroring that same behavior here. I'm sorry to say that. I can't even envision what's left that hasn't been already written to you. You actually could just read over all of the comments from your former post. Or, are you looking for those who are new to this site and your story and they can advise the same to you?

What you're doing is wanting to keep this story energized for another round - maybe it's interesting to read new attention you're receiving from a new post because I don't understand otherwise. You're feeding your own sickness this way - plus, it's using others.

My advise is to take yourself out of yourself - there are tons of others on this site who are having a very difficult time from a toxic situation. Maybe you should respond to other posters' sites and express your own support, compassion and guidance to others here instead - and help THEM. Perhaps it would change your trajectory.

Wishing you much inner peace going forward ~
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Ocdtrauma70 Sep 2023
I haven't posted on this in months. That's not attention seeking, that's needing to get over a final hump and have the police arrest her for the 250 voicemails that I've blocked. I have a business to run and don't need attention. I just got to a point of overload today.
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Just stop.

Stop sending money

Make an auto response for the email accounts she contacts --something akin to "F√cK You".

Delete phone messages.

SHE can think any d∆mn thing she wants. Shouldn't matter to you at all.
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Geaton777 Sep 2023
Barb! so spicy... ;-)
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I’m one of the many here who’s tried many times to help you only to see you disregard the advice of all of us. I’m answering today to basically defend the concept of Boundaries. There’s an excellent book with that title, and in many areas a class based on the book. I’ve read the book and taken the class. You’re completely misrepresenting and misunderstanding the entire idea of it. Boundaries are NEVER for someone else. They are ALWAYS for you, set by you, for you. They are a fence around your life to keep out what is not good or healthy for you. There’s a gate in the fence to allow in what is good and healthy. It DOES NOT MATTER if someone in your life won’t respect your boundaries, for they are yours. When a person attempts to trample your boundaries you inform them that will not be happening and if they don’t respect you enough to stop it, you distance yourself and stop allowing it in your life. The power is with you to maintain the boundaries no matter what anyone else is doing. As a result of my learning this, I severed completely a friendship that I well knew was toxic and really no friendship at all. I’ve felt relieved and grateful ever since. I’ve also set healthy boundaries with a sibling who’s always been difficult. My boundaries now mean I don’t visit his house, I keep phone calls brief, and I don’t listen to toxic rants. So, please get it straight what boundaries are and what they are not. If you’d actually choose to set and maintain boundaries in your life, I’d strongly bet you’d earn the respect of your mother, husband, and child. Can you even imagine what life might be like? As the situation is, you let the mess have free rent in your mind and do real disservice to your own family. The group here would all cheer you on mightily if you ever made a lasting change, we’d all love to hear about it
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We responded before, you are still doing the same stuff today and expecting a different outcome, there will be none.

You refuse to go completely no contact. You are addicted to the drama, I do not know what your payoff is, but there is always one.

We are not psychiatrists, we cannot resolve your issues, get the help you need.
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Your first post was Aug 2022 and had over 100 responses.

I have to agree, its up to you now. I know its going to effect your life but you need to shut down your email and get rid of your landline and cell phone #s. Time to set up a new email and phone#s. Unlist your landline. You don't answer her calls you don't read her emails. You don't need to know where she is or what she is doing. If she shows up on ur doorstep you call the police and ask to have her removed. They do not need to know she is ur mother. Just a crazy woman on ur doorstep. You deny she is ur mother because she really isn't. Just a DNA

You need a better councillor. You need a licenced therapist who will get to the root of why u feel any obligation to this woman. We have all told you the same thing. You are not responsible for this woman. She abandoned her family to live her life in Europe doing whatever she pleased. Now she is getting old, thats not your problem. She made her choices. She is mentally ill. Nothing u do will change that. She wants things her way. Sorry, not going to happen. YOU have to let go. As long as you talk to her or answer her emails, you are giving her hope you will do what she wants. Your Mom is mentally ill and you can't help her. You will never get the love u deserve because she is not capable of giving it. You have to forget she exists.
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You don't have a new question for us, and we have none but the answers we have already given you.

You are making decisions for your own life based on I am uncertain exactly what. You already have done this for years, and you know the outcome. You are enabling your mother by spending on her and attempting to make her happy. Her limitations will never allow her to be happy, so you are wasting your own life. No one can stop you from throwing yourself on this sacrificial pyre.

This is entirely in your own hands.
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