Morning all
Trying to keep post short but sorry for long post
Dad (88) went into respite on Friday: been in hospital for two weeks due to a polyvagal episode. Has CKD 3b and found high calcium so had a couple of IVs too.
Prior to hospital, he refused respite. Did 10 weeks in rehab last year - recurring UTIs caused falls now with catheter.
He went from the hospital to a care home on Friday. At assessment he knew where he was going and said he was ok about it as it was for respite and a step between going home. Consultant was happy with his mental capacity, waiting for MRI to check for vascular dementia. He has memory impairment and is seeing the community dementia specialist next month.
On his first day there, he locked himself his room, I think bathroom. The carers said they had to get the master key. He is meant to be isolating, but they said not now as they need to keep an eye on him so it doesn’t happen again. He has daily lateral flow and goes in the lounge. We (mum and me) visit every day. But didn’t go the first day, which I now think was a big mistake.
Dad breaks down when we see him. Says he wants to go home. Said we abandoned him, yelling and crying. Arguing. Shouting mainly at me. The carers say he’s fine when we’re not there.
Yesterday, Dad was in his room on bed in a right state. Spoke to carers - he’d asked to go for a wee and they explained he’s got a catheter but he still wanted to go. Was in the loo for a minute and started shouting. Carer went in, got him out, he wanted to go back to the loo. Then asked to go back to his room. He told me they left him in loo for 30 mins (he doesn’t have a watch), screaming at me, get me out of here.
I told the carers I think dad has a UTI. His catheter was changed 3 days ago and I’ve seen this in him before. The hospital stopped his low-dose antibiotics to keep infections at bay. He’s now on flurocortisone for postural hypo.
I asked about getting the doctor. The nurse checked his urine and he’s very dehydrated and a little proteins in there. I always get dad to drink a load of water when I’m with him, and I know he drinks lots of tea. Doc is coming this morning and I’m heading in for the appt. The care home is close to dad's home, so it’s his actual GP.
I'm so broken. I don’t know what to do. Mum is his main carer with carers in four times a day plus me every day for a few hours, longer when I can, sometimes overnight. We were on our knees before he went into hospital even though he was sleeping 22 hours a day. Mum was on the edge of a breakdown through worry, she’s 83. I felt he was shutting down. His mobility is getting much worse, I feel she expects me to give up work now and look after them. I’m doing everything I can and still trying to work. I can’t take much more. My OH feels dad should be in permanent care. I’m struggling with mum (she has some narcissistic traits and I’m in therapy before any of this happened).
I can’t cope, I just want to curl up and die. I’m broken hearted seeing my dad like this, what do I do? But I can’t give up can I?
I'm praying his behaviours are due to the infection. I think he must have also had a panic attack in the locked room, so I completely understand.
Any advice is massively appreciated, I don’t know what to do I feel so broken.
Could be that they're acting out to "hasten" coming home because looking like one likes it might lead to one having to stay there permanently, when with respite an accepting adjustment makes it more likely it'll be temporary. The more they can get used to seeing their week as just a week in rotating "senior hotels" the more they have a say in what would be the best should the time come for permanent placement.
Mum said if before he went if you don’t like it we’ll get you home :/
His doctor told him he has to stay till he gets stronger and better dad was okish.
mum went this afternoon and said she could hear him shouting before she saw him. dad said take me home and broke down so now mum is beside herself. All I can say to her is it’s the UTI :( and hope that he’ll be more accepting with each day during his stay.
thank you xx
i think I have got a bit burnt out.
doc saw dad this morning and said to me your mum couldn’t cope with this as dad, with the infection, was finding it hard to stand, so he said to dad you’ve got to stay longer get stronger and shake off this infection, I’m hoping that stays with him as he respects his doc. I told dad we weren’t dumping him, and he said I know girl, that was cruel.
he was shouty this morning but the carers said he told them he was in pain and it’s completely understandable to feel like that. They were so understanding
boundaries 👍🏻 Starting on them. Which is hard but Ill do it,
thank you - hopefully those antibiotics will kick in pronto
xx
Something very similar happened to my FIL after he had a surgical procedure. He was agitated and angry, and swore he needed to use the bathroom. The hospital staff told him he had a catheter. He continued to be very agitated, they actually restrained him to the bed because he tried to pull the catheter out. They told us it was "post anesthesia confusion" and very common in the elderly.
However, one savvy nurse actually checked, and found his catheter was blocked. She removed it and cleared the block; after which he settled right down.
Ask one of the attending nurses to check the catheter line.
docmsaw him today and checked via bag he was happy with seeing urine in bag. Carer said night bag had been quite full. His other carer said she checked the tube.
I’m still getting my head round catheter care so will keep an eye - so much to learn
thank you for your advice much appreciated xx
And in general, you could start drawing some boundaries. You have your work and your life and should not be giving that up. Think about what you can honestly handle long term. Whatever is giving you too much stress needs to go or at least be significantly reduced to a manageable level.
I hope he adjusts and improves quickly.