She pays all the bills, I am disabled. She is emotionally abusive towards me. She has no other place to go. Now, she has hoarded into my bedroom, and controls my t.v. She has a violent nature, verbally abusive and threatening. She has been forgetting and getting worse since July. My sister and I took her to her Dr. we thought she had a stroke. Her CT scan showed no abnormalities. I forgot to mention that I am 54 years old, and a grandmother of 2. My children cannot even bring the boys out because it is so filthy. My mother will not let me cook, clean, and I can only use a designated place in the refrigerator. I know all this sounds bizzare...When I was working, I purchased this mobile home, and paid all the bills, taxes, insurance etc.. Now that mama has lived here for almost 10 years, she has taken over the bills, the taxes etc. She says that if she pays for everything she can do what she wants, and I can go live under a bridge!!! I recently got my total knee replacement, and it was a disaster here recovering. She complained about the nurses from home health, and every aspect of my knee rehabilitation. It is maddening. She is a very bad diabetic. My sister and I have had to care for her (do the shopping, get medicine, Dr. appointments, etc for the last 10 years. Nothing is ever "right" or "good enough". This was my home, and now I am confined to my bedroom, can only use one lamp, and am constantly belittled and humiliated being called stupid and stubborn. I have moved out of my own mobile home 3 times in the last 10 years. I don't know what to do or how to cope anymore. She micro manages every move I make. If I am in the restroom too long, she asks me "what's wrong"!! I can't even crochet in the evening in my room. She sleeps in my recliner. Mind you this is a 3 bedroom mobile home. I am totally baffled, please can someone help me or advise me on what to do, how to deal with this situation? I am thinking of moving again, I'm getting too old to do this, and it has mentally wore me down. I feel like I owe it to my mother to provide her a place. She has always helped me over the years. In fact, she says I "owe" it to her to let her live here and do what she wants. After all she's an old woman. Please HELP someone. Adult protective services? No....I'm too afraid of her to do that. I cannot afford to pay my mortgage now. Now I have no life, and no where to go. I do plan on getting a part-time job as soon as I get the other knee done. I don't know how to react or carry on anymore. Thank you,
You don't owe your mother a place tp live, regardless of whst she says. If the place you are living is in your name, you can evict her.
You SHOULD get APS involved. It sounds as though you are afraid of her. You should report to them that your mother is a person in need of a higher level of care than you can give , given your current disability.
If she threatens you or acts violently toward you, you should call 911 and have her taken to the hospital. Once she's there, inform discharge that you can no longer care for her.
First step, is remove yourself from the hostage situation. And acknowledge that you really are essentially being held hostage. Can you go live with your sister for a while or anywhere else? If you have any pets please remove them from the home as well too so that when you call APS she can't harm you or them. Truly calling APS is your only true recourse. I know that you are afraid of her, but if you physically remove yourself she can do less damage. Also get your mail forwarded to a PO box so she can't get to it. If she has her name on any of your bank accounts, credit cards get it off of there. Godspeed.
It would be worthwhile to consult a lawyer about your options. Since your mother has been living there paying bills for ten years it may complicate simply evicting her. And I know because of the emotional situation there's nothing "simple" about it. Also APS may be able to help you at this point as much as her. No person, mother or not, demented or not, has the right abuse another person.
Can you temporarily stay with your sister or one of your kids?
When you get your second knee replaced, can you go to a rehab facility, rather than rehabbing at home?
We give parents a lot of power over us, even when we are adults. In a circumstance such as yours, you are going to have to find a way to reclaim that power. My first thought is if you really have to have the second knee surgery done right now. Unless it is very bad, I believe I would tend to my emotional health first.
If you can't afford to live their alone, what are your options? Evict her and get a roomate? Walk away and rent a room somewhere until you get back on your feet financially?
And please note, the next time she starts in with you, I would tell her, very firmly and very politely that you'll not be spoken to like that in your own home. And that she can obey YOUR rules or leave. If she throws something, call 911 and have her arrested for assault.
Practice saying " mother, I'll not be spoken to like that in my home". 10 times a day until it comes out easily.
You are not a doormat. You deserve to be treated with respect.
You will be feeling overwhelmed at the moment so don't worry about that feeling - that is normal as is being tearful upset and all the other feelings you have.
So in the evening instead of crocheting (or not as it stands right now) get on your pc open up a list or whatever it is you have on your pc and start writing what you want to change.
This about this scenario. You are working as a secretary for a new boss and she comes in one day and says book me a holiday.
She doesn't say where, when, the type of holiday, how many are going, where she lives, her likes and dislikes, how she wants to travel. Can you do that? NO YOU CANT
Its the same with change - you have to know where you want to be to begin the process.
If your goal is to be alone in the mobile home (bearing in mind that your Mum won't stop hoarding and the violence and abuse won't stop either in all probability) then that is your goal. If you want her to change so she can stay that is a different (and to my thinking a far more challenging) goal.
So you have your goal in place that goes in big capitals at the top of your list because everything that follow has to be geared towards achieving that goal.
There will be things you cannot change and you have to accept those
There will be things you don't want to change - but have to and you will need to have the courage to take that leap of faith too
First and foremost regardless of her response - next time your Mum kicks off, tell her that her behaviour and attitude towards you is not acceptable and walk away - don't engage doesn't matter what she says don't engage.
Then secondly make sure you keep your room neat and tidy and clean and if she brings things into your room put them in the trash
Then work out your finances and what you need to do to be self sufficient - plan plan and then plan some more - before long you will be able to see the path and there will be a glimmer of light in that dark place you are now in.
Good luck and we are here any time you need support oh and Merry Christmas xxxxx
Offer to transfer the title to Mom or sister for a price. You have moved before, you can do this. The mobilehome has little value if hoarded, so transfer title to sister so that the assest won't count against your disability. She can deal with it and your mom.
Your sanity is worth more than the home in it's present condition and with it's current resident.
Well, Merry Christmas, in the best theological sense anyways - we celebrate the entry of light into the world, even though in the back of our minds we know there is a long way to go, and many struggles ahead before the ultimate triumph!
Some questions to ponder as we approach a new year:
Do you really need a three room trailer?
Can you use this opportunity to downsize and simplify?
You say you crochet. Are you familiar with Etsy where you could sell your handmade crochets?
Stop worrying about your mother's life and focus on yourself. Save up whatever money you can and rent a room somewhere safe and clean until you figure out what it is that you owe yourself. Happiness is a choice. I wish you wisdom as you change your perspective and embark on a new adventure.