Has anyone experienced being in the sandwich generation?

How temporary is daughter and sister-in-law being in your house? Depending on the length of time, you can either grin and bear it, or start a rumor that you and your wife will be downsizing into a much smaller home.

Print out brochures for the 55+ places, doesn't need to be places in your current location, print brochures from Pa and Nevada, too. When daughter and sister-in-law see these print-outs maybe it will get them thinking of moving out on their own. Then that way you and the wife can have Dad all to your self, which sounds more durable.

Start downsizing the contents of your home, too, for real. You will have to do that anyway, might as well start now. Nothing says "serious" than hauling things to Goodwill, even though you don't really plan to move :)

Id like to.... Dad has no choice but to live with us (no money). Daughter and son in law is to be temporary but they are not looking as fast as Id like. I have been trying to help them look for a place but I keep getting shot down.
I did day it was for 2 months but that was 3 months ago. Now it is looking like it will be spring before they get any movement. They seem happy with living in her bedroom...
I've offered to help but I have to stay out of things.... Feeling like a prisoner in my own house.
No chance to down size, we have done a lot to our home and cant afford at this point to down size. Its the house we both wanted... except for the extra guests.

Has the situation changed any from the last post you wrote on a similar topic?

TG, I think if I were you I would find them something suitable and put down first and last deposit and hand them the keys. Well, I would fantasise about it anyway ;)

Perhaps now is the time to have a sit down family meeting but without Dad. Give everyone a heads up about it. Be careful to give positives as well as negatives of them living with you. Be honest about the toll it is taking on you without complaining or pointing a finger. People will automatically be defensive if you sound like you are attacking them. I know from my own reactions with my mother that children will often revert to being the child no matter how old and "grownup" you are. (My own children thought it was hysterical when I got in a disagreement with my mother some years ago and stamped my foot!) I also know that it is easy to get into the habit of complaining and blaming when you are exhausted and downtrodden. It may be justified but it does not accomplish what you want to accomplish. You know your own family best and may feel they will not be able to be adult enough to hear what you are telling them but it is worth a shot.

Stop being grumpy and start doing the right thing for you, your wife, and your dad. Make a payment timetable with your daughter and son-in-law on the car purchase and living expenses for sharing your home. If they intend to stay, then determine and write out on paper what is a reasonable amount for them to share your home. That is 2/5ths of food, utilities, cable tv, Internet, property taxes, home and yard maintenance. If they will not pay the amount of car payback and house sharing expense, bring home boxes and tell them to pack their belongings. Do not argue. Immediately disconnect cable TV in their room. Block access to Internet and WIFI. If you are paying any of their other bills, stop. Time for your daughter and son-in-law to grow up. If they do begin paying you for the car and home sharing expenses, save the money for 6 months. Then tell them you will use the money to pay for first, last, and deposit for their own apartment.

Lol. Or you can take the very sensible but tough love approach that IMBabci2 suggested. Having read your initial posting again I admit it does sound like they will not be adult enough to listen and respond and may instead need to be given the kick up the backside that you might have to give to older teens. As I said before, people who may otherwise be sensible adults will often behave like children when dealing with their own parents. And as I have told my own older children who currently are living at home-my house, my rules. When they are financing their own house they can behave the way they like in it but while living under the roof you and your wife own they must abide by your rules. Which, if they are old enough to be married, should include a rent to cover a fair share of the expenses, payments for the car, and a share of the duties of running a household including cooking, cleaning, shopping, and making good anything their dog has damaged. And I completely agree that if they are not able to follow through with this it is time to being home the packing boxes.

the situation, as you have described it, sounds like an "ive been painted into a corner" feeling, which means that perhaps you have no options and you may be feeling resentment toward the people who are taking sdvantage of you. i was in a similar situation. a lady that went to my church needed to get away from an abusive boyfriend and she was on disability. In spite of the fact i set very strict boundaries, she broke them all. My "being nice" landed me with four adults and four chldren that were in a space solely dedicated for this single friend from church. the people above who have answered your question have offered a good deal of sound advice. When all else fails, give them a 30 day notice (written - you can get forms or examples for free online or for a few dollars at Staples) and if they are not completely out of your home by that day, go to court and start the process of eviction. yes, eviction. you should know that it takes sometimes 60 days or longer to get someone out of your home. i did it...sent them all packing...and, truly, i dont feel a bit bad about it. ive seen this woman and one of her adult children and the reception was very good in spite of the eviction. the only thing? i waited too long to start the process and ended up having to sell my home bc i couldnt afford the propane bill. that's another long story that you don't need to hear. Eviction, i think, will cost about $125 if they don't oppose. Set your boundaries and stick to them. Give them a written copy of your boundaries /requests/demands and keep ac record of the time, date and person you gave the paper to. oh, keep a copy for yourself. nuff said. you are not in s corner. you can manage this situation! hang in there

tg, you're looking down the right path, and there is great advice here. Emotional, money - can feel very cloudy. Perhaps you could map this all out for yourself like a 'business plan,' and consider enlisting a coach, someone you trust at work or another area of your life. Map out the situation, with all the if/then statements. Depends on your personality type, but you deserve to have this laid out and it would be easier to execute. Old folks who did rely on themselves and no longer can, vs. young folks who need to learn rely on themselves, are apples and oranges.

Time for you to reclaim your own house! Keep your dad, and give the daughter and sister-in-law their walking papers in say two months. That should give them enough time to save money to get an apt. and move out. Take the dog to obedience school or get another dog. You have already done "the right thing", and this is called "touch love" where you do not allow others to walk all over you. So, you have two choices, either keep them or kick them out. Kicking them out will be the best thing for them and YOU! Good luck!

Well Prince Phillip is rumored to have turned off the heat to his mIL (The Queen Mother) when she refused to move out of Buckingham Palace. Within a week it is said she was gone.There was already suite of rooms for her at Kensington Palace.
Do you rely on any of your unwelcome guests to watch your dad? That might be a consideration.
Other that that follow any of the helpful advice you have been given.

Praise their cooking and start collecting the room and board. If they move to subsidized housing, they pay 30% of their gross income for rent and utilities. I had a "homeless" friend move in and when he found out he had to pay, he moved out within two months. Collect the rent the day they get paid or they spend it all. You are too good to them.
As for the car, start charging them $50 a week for it for 100 weeks. You are not running a popularity contest, you are taking charge.

TG, please look at your own thread https://www.agingcare.com/questions/deal-with-dads-finances-203524.htm?cpage=4.
My therapist (I know, not something you want to do yourself) once suggested looking at blog or diary entries and replace my name and other family members' names with random names. Then read what occurred as if it happened to someone else. It really highlights how we get sucked into situations that we would NEVER tell someone else to accept. Your difficulty is NOT being sandwich generation. Your difficulty is being part of a dysfunctional family dynamic with you as the enabling person that makes it possible for others to live a lifestyle that they are not earning with money, labor or courtesy. You are not required to pay for your daughter and SIL - if they can't pay for car they bought, I promise you that they are NOT saving for the house. They are waiting for the chunk of money that you and wife are going to give them. Once they move, even with the chunk of down payment, they have to pay for food, shelter, taxes, gasoline, etc. Of course your daughter is siding with her grandpa - the other end of the "sucking the life out of you like a ripe peach" sandwich. To paraphrase an actor from Friends - I wish I could do that, but I don't want to. Maybe you need to figure out why it is that part of you wants to. It took me years, but I finally did and my family relationships and bank account improved.

First of all your daughter and especially your sister in Law need to pay rent or find another place to live. You should be caring for your father but stop coddling the other two grown adults especially if they are disrespecting you in your own home. If they paid their fair share you would not have to work so much. Sorry but unless you get tough, you will be stuck in this mess for a very long time. You are not helping them by making them dependent on you. Your daughter and SIL need to grow up and get their own life and their own place to live. Sounds like they get along well so they can share an apartment if need be.

What I would do instead of getting rid of everything in the home is take everything to storage. You shouldn't have to move out of your own home just to get rid of unwanted guests. What you can do though is remove the beds the guests are sleeping on and stop feeding them. Put locks on all of your fridges, freezers, and cabinets. Just lock up all the food and don't feed them and definitely don't give them a bed. If they insist on sleeping there, they'll have to sleep on the floor. Don't give them any accommodation whatsoever, not even the TV remote or access to any of the living room furniture, just make them sit on the floor. Remove all other extra seating except for what you and your dad are using. Put all extra furniture in storage. If you get rid of your stuff you'll regret it later because you want it back when your situation improves. Another thing I thought of is to go on vacation with your dad but turn off the utilities for the time you're gone. This will help send a strong message to the squatters who probably aren't contributing to the household. They can go to a homeless shelter or scrounge up what little money they have and go rent a motel room. If you push them out into the street, this will get them looking for a place immediately. I don't know how long the squatters have been there but the longer they been there, the more things will be looking in their favor to a point. If they pay rent (which I seriously doubt) they all have tenants rights. If they don't pay rent, they don't have any rights. Definitely remove all comfort's and accommodations from the squatters, don't give them anything not even a shower. Don't even let them wash their laundry at your house. When you fix meals, only fix enough for you and your dad, don't feed the unwanted squatters. I would also have very few dishes in my pantry, I would only have two plates, two bowls, two spoons, forks and knives. I would have one skillet, one pan, and that's just about it. Don't leave any hint of opportunity for the squatters to enjoy your home for one more second

Wait a minute, you mentioned a car? Repo the car and go for the money! They will never pay you a dime for the car so your best to repo the car and sell it to someone else. You can regain control of the car by taking the keys and hopefully the car is not already in their name

it's expensive and much toil to be spent in storing your stuff. a lot of emotional turmoil that you dont want if you start trying to "send them a message" that they arent welcome. Veeeeerrrry passive and breeds resentment on both sides. Legal eviction is blunt but effective. Also veeerry proactive and refreshing. kind of a "just do it!" mindframe. you can be very matter of fact about it aad stop investing in them emotionally. Behavior begets Consequence ffor the rest of us, why shouldnt it work the same way for them? Go for it!! You can do it!

Only you can take your life back.
All the previous answers are right on the money (pun intended). One thing I didn't get. If you have a wife, what does your she say? Is she on the same page with you? If she wants them there, you have another problem that only counseling or divorce can solve.
Why is your dad with you? Is he unable to care for himself? If he is just living with you so he isn't alone, it is time to get him into a senior apartment or assisted living. Maybe he will find a new girlfriend.
If you don't want the others there, don't collect rent, that gives them more legal status, just tell them they have to find someplace else to live. Hire a company that specializes in evictions. It is worth the money. Depending on the state, they may have legal rights to stay in your house, and have to be evicted.
Tell them to start paying for the car or you will repo it.
Get tough.
I have been both the child and sandwich person and as soon as my kids were out of the house, so was I. I left my mother and husband "living together". Actually, one was upstairs, the other in an apartment downstairs. It was horrible for me. They were together in driving me out of the house. I went and I still remember the first morning I woke up, sleeping on the floor of my furnitureless apartment, I felt like someone had let me out of jail. No house was worth my sanity.

I agree, kick them out! You and your dad don't need the stress, and it could become especially bad for you dad's health and well being.

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/stressed-with-dad-living-with-me-198671.htm
Or this thread. Same issues. Different words.

It is just difficult. I made dinner last night after asking in the AM if everyone was to be home for dinner. When told yes, OK I made dinner for 5. Then dinner is ready they don't come down from their bedroom. So I eat and clean up. Then they decide to go out..... It would be nice to know this before I spend an hour cooking for 5. Tonight they plan to go out, OK, I am good with that, at least I know.
Yesterday I took dad with me on a business trip north for the day so he could see the fall colors. I took him out to lunch, it was OK. He stayed in the car while I had one short meeting. After which I had another meeting and told him to come in with me. As we are getting out of the car he gets a call from his sister. I go into my meeting, then 15 minutes later he comes into the office.... OK, I did invite him. He is quiet while I do my presentation. Then his cell phone rings.... right there at the table he answers it! It was a butt dial so he didn't talk except for the 3 "hellos?"I held my composure....... I finished my meeting (luckily I know the people so it wasn't a problem). So as they say no good deed goes unpunished....
I try to be nice, I try to help and it seems that it comes back on me two fold. Last night I made the comment about 3 dogs worth of poop needs to be picked up, "when it stops raining I will do it", it is expected to rain for the next 4 days.....
It just seems no one cares..... No time line to look for a place. No time line to get a part time job (dad) just to keep busy. No thought process when I have to give him money so he can go to see family for the holiday and on a hunting trip and buy all the food for camp (he doesn't leave camp now but he can shop and cook there)....... He can use up all my pantry items for church food and I am expected to replace it all..... I just get frustrated, I do say things, I do tell people but it all goes in one ear and out the other.
I just want my house back..... No while I am trying to work the kids dog is barking and no one says anything. And it's 9 am, one is just getting up on his day off.... I've been up since 5.

Does your wife want them all there or what?

tgengine: It seems that in the writing of your 2 posts you 'got it off your chest.' I've read both posts several times. In the reading you appear to be a mild mannered, successful man whose daughter/SIL and father are taking advantage of you. You have not stated any opinion from your wife. Your words show you feel your family members have not recognized, nor have they appreciated your efforts to care for them. You may be financially stressed. Maybe just writing it down and sharing with all of us on this blog is enough for you continue on until you can emotionally accept the situation as-is. Or maybe you can afford to get a furnished apartment for yourself (and your wife?) for 30 days to rest and think it out. It is not desertion if its temporary and you explain in writing to your family why you are doing it. Maybe leaving for 30 days would get your daughter/SIL and father's attention, especially if the pantries were left empty and TV, Internet, and phones were turned off.

My wife is a saint! Go back 3 years when she promised my mom that we would care for my dad, my mom did not ask my sister, she asked my wife whom she always treated as a daughter not a daughter in law. Go back 5 years when We had to care for my wife's sister with brain cancer. We moved her in and cared for her until her death and at the same time flying back and forth across the country taking care of my wife's brother who we had to put in a home with his major stroke (I still care for remotely, managing his health, finance and living status). So we are the last stand I guess.
It is just difficult. We financially stable to some degree. We both work and I work multiple jobs. We plan and manage our money unlike other people.
I am the nice guy who cant say no. When I do get made 2 things happen, I usually blow up for a few seconds then I get quiet, if I am quiet that is not a good sign. Most everyone has figured that one out.
I just hate having to be quiet in my own home. We have made it very nice the exact way we like it and I want it to be an inviting place for all my family. I just don't like having to share all my personal space.
My dad is not well off financially, that is not the issue, it is my duty to take care of him and I am OK with that. It is just there is not much of a give back. In some ways yes, we had access to all the times with the house which we divided up between the kids but I still had to store it all and bring it in to my house.
Our home is pretty much my wife's dream home and we have made it that way. It is tough for her having it change. Next week we start on a sun room for her so she has a place to go. The sad part is I have to tell everyone this is HER room not for everyone else. So she is on board with all of this and just as frustrated as I.
I do use that as a place to vent. It is the only place I can. For us to talk we have to go out and then it is the only topic of conversation. It is hard to entertain now due to dogs, and others. We used to have parties and entertain frequently now it is difficult as dad tends to sit in the middle and tell stories. So we don't have friends over except by the pool in the summer. And that pains me as I love to entertain.
The SIL has no intention to look for a place. We fear this will be long term, in 6 years of marriage they have only lived on their own for a year and a half, the rest with his parents or a buddy. He has the best of both worlds... all bases are covered. I am trying hard not to make it easy for him. But winter is coming and I am sure no movement on the home front will happen. My daughter will be 30 soon and no house or kids are in the forefront... That pains me greatly as he is holding her back......
So all in all I am OK, frustrated, trying to remain calm...... have to buy a battery for dads car because his is dead......(he wont have the money in his account in time. Yet again I have to come to the rescue..... Make dinner tonight, just once a week it would be nice if someone made dinner for me (besides having to make reservations and go out and pay for it). yes, trying to remain calm..... maybe I need yoga..........

Yeah, I'd get daughter and SIL out as soon as possible. For so many reasons.

tg, a couple things - they're getting along well, as do children on visits with non-custodial parents. That parent doesn't make them do homework, clean their rooms or eat their broccoli. it's an artificial situation.

What is of concern is that SIL doesn't have any interest in the responsibilities of co-habiting with others, doesn't have interest in finding a new residence. So if he's not inclined to mow a lawn or pick up after the dog, this is not a man who'll be taking on all the other chores (and expenses) of a house. I know you're wanting them in their own house for financial reasons, but I think you'd be well served by re-adjusting your idea here. I think you'll be called upon when those unexpected house expenses hit, or to help with repairs. I really think these two need to make a baby step from the cushy nest to an apartment with fixed costs and someone else to do the repairs. In this case, rent money isn't being thrown away, but a sound investment in helping them grow up without you always being the safety net.

As for your dad- discretionary spending like food for hunting, is his to come up with. You're covering the major stuff.

Your life sounds positively H3LL-ish, LW. You must do what is best for you. Don't worry about what 'they' will think. You don't have that much time left on earth and it shouldn't be spent in misery with awful people.

As a lot of us have said, "Only you have the power to change your life". You can take care of your dad without having him live with you. Get him into an assisted living studio apartment. They have transportation so he won't need his car which he can't afford anyway. Find a rent-by-the-month or week and pay say, 3 months rent and tell the rest of the free loaders that is their new home. After that it is up to them. Only you can take your life back. I recommend counseling for your and your wife so you will have the strength to do this.

I'm curious how you think you're going to be able to keep the rest of this crew out of that sunroom when you don't have the wherewithall to manage your father during a party, or set up a schedule whereby dad, your daughter and son in law participate in cooking for the family. Or contributing to household costs. Or picking up after their dogs. Or adhering to payments for a car. Or stick to an agreed on schedule for getting their own place. Or manage their money so that it lasts till the end of the month.

I don't think what you " expect" is unreasonable. I do think that you must not be articulating your requirements and demands to your housemates in a clear way. Or if you are, not extracting whatever remediation is proper when those demands are not followed.

Why should anyone do anything differently if all that happens is that you blow uo and get quiet?

1 set up a payment schedule for the car. You'll call the repo guy if payments are not timely.

2. Kids must be out January 1. Eviction proceedings will start January 2. It sounds like daughter and SiL have no difficulty using others. I would not continue to enable their codependency.

3. Make dad a budget. No more handouts. Car battery dies? Too bad. No wheels until the next check

4. Set up a cooking schedule. Everyone cooks for the family 2x per week with what is in the larder.

5. Or, put a lock on the fridge. Get dad his own college dorm size fridge which he stocks himself. Cook omly for you and wife.

Set this all up without rancor. If you want to run a boarding house, charge rent so you won't feel so used. If you don't charge rent, stop providing all this free service.

One more thing. If your dad is low income, he should qualify for senior housing based on his income. If there are waiting lists, he should be on them

Google " subsidized senior housing" along with your state. I was able to locate several places with rent based on income in New Hampshire.