I'm new here. Quick intro, I'm 44 and have a lot of mental health and other issues which make it extremely difficult for me to deal with stress, including stuff with my aging dad. I am the only person in his life. My parents got divorced years ago and mom moved away. I have a brother but my dad and him stopped talking many years ago. My dad has no friends. The neighbors don't like him. For years I've been the only one to visit him and help him with various things.
He is 80 years old. Believe it or not he's incredibly self-sufficient and lucid for being that age. But lately he seems to be getting much more stressed out by things in life and having trouble dealing with stuff. Problems, situations, everything, he just seems to more upset and stressed. He has always been very demanding and manipulative, but lately it increased. Then it has actually decline recently, he seems slightly less demanding.
We just talked on the phone and he seems extremely depressed. He said he's very upset, he hasn't slept in three days. He's worried about all kinds of things. He is having medical issues but won't tell me what they are, but he claims they are stress-related issues. He was talking about how he needs to get all of his belongings into a trust for me, clear out his house since there is unsafe clutter everywhere and he doesn't use any of the junk items. That and a bunch of other things. He kind of is being nebulous but acting like everything in life is an emergency and all kinds of bad things are going to happen.
I am no stranger to mental health so I am recognizing some of the signs of depression. I talked to him about having him see a doctor about his medical issues and a mental health professional about his depression and insomnia. He is very stubborn and refuses to see any doctor. I am not good at dealing with stubbornness and other things which annoy me so we sort of argued a little bit. He basically did his guilt trip thing like "ok so you're not going to do anything for me, I guess I'll just leave everything as it is and whatever happens, happen." I explained that I'm trying to help him but if he doesn't want help then what can I do.
Anyway how I'm panicking because of his depression and how stressed he seems to be about things and lack of sleep. I don't want to even think about this but I'm worried he might be thinking about hurting himself or may generally just be willing things to end. I doubt it's imminent danger and if it was I would certainly call 911 or something. But I am concerned.
He generally is lucid and competent and can take care of himself, but I am not sure what's going on. If he refuses to talk to a doctor (physical or mental health or both), and he also refuses to have in-home helpers, what can I do?
This is really weighing on me a lot (it always has, being the only person in his life, feeling responsible to do everything for him, having him be manipulative and guilt-trip me, etc). I have bipolar, anxiety, other issues, and am a Highly Sensitive Person. I was in an extremely good mood this morning (probably better than in months if not years) due to some positive changes I'm making, and yet after this phone call today I feel physically ill and depressed.
I honestly feel I cannot deal with what might be coming and the stresses I may have to endure.
I'll make a really long story short. Her own doctor saw nothing unusual about this. A new geriatric specialist sent her to a geriatric psychiatrist who recommended strongly to me that we get mom in for a thorough neuropsych exam. It transpired that mom had had an undiagnosed stroke and that her reasoning abilities were basically non-existent. She was like a six year old, trying to cope with the adult world.
Consider this as a possibility.
Your post is so important because behavioral changes are often overlooked or inaccurate assumptions are made by family members.
It makes a huge difference in knowing how to proceed when we know what is going on.
When was his last physical check up? Are you his medical POA? You could discuss his condition with a doctor.
It’s good that he recognizes that his clutter is making him uncomfortable. How bad is the clutter? Does he have help with housekeeping?
Have you ever contacted Council on Aging in his area to do an assessment on his needs?
Do you think he would manage better with someone going to his home for a few hours per week or do you think he would be better served by entering a facility so that he would no longer have to manage a home?
You sound exhausted. You need to take care of your own needs.
He may need help but you don’t have to do the hands on caregiving yourself. Be an advocate for him. Overseeing his care is enough.
Wishing you peace during this difficult time in your life.
It is you.
I am not concerned with your Dad. He isn't writing to us. YOU ARE!
I am concerned with YOU.
I would love to know where you are in terms of mental health support, because you need it.
You describe your father as a difficult and stubborn man who is living his life much as he ALWAYS has, who has been abandoned by his wife and a child already, who lives in clutter and has emotional problems, but who is 80 and you think increasingly more difficult. But who is "capable".
Problem here is that you are feeling responsible.
Both your father and you have some situational anxiety regarding his aging. I am 81. I know what the anxiety of aging is as regards to the increasingly clear knowledge that things are "coming", and one must prepare. That's a normal part of this decade. And it's normal to be anxious about it.
As to your father and his needs: YOU DIDN'T CAUSE HIS PROBLEMS
YOU CANNOT FIX THEM
And that needs to be your mantra.
Your Dad isn't asking you to fix them. He is asking for you to listen. So just do that.
You can suggest, AS YOU HAVE, medical help, a good attorney, house organization companies.
If your father continues his habitual path he won't avail himself of help.
Don't expect him to.
He is most definitely right about needing to do the Trust work, or you and second son will be at war over any estate he leaves. It he HAS no estate, who cares? But while bro may have deserted family, he will be back quick if he smells blood (read "money") in the water. But as to whether Dad will ever get it together to DO that, remains to be seen. And it isn't in your control. You already have issues of your own. It isn't your business. Suggest an attorney and then leave it alone.
Biggest thing now is to get help for YOU.
You recommended it to Dad. Great. I am RECOMMENDING IT TO YOU.
You need to come to terms with the fact you will not be able to take on and handle your father's aging issues due to your own problems, and even if you HAD no problems, you could not help.
Push will come to shove and Dad WILL GO DOWN amidst his clutter if things go as they normally do in these cases. Do not attempt POA for this man ever. Leave him to state guardianship. He will never allow any family to act in his behalf. You would not survive the struggle.
Be ready to call APS.
Do not attempt to interfer beyond suggestions ONCE, when Dad complains, where he can address his issues.
Do not have expectations.
Do take care of YOURSELF and your own mental needs.
Do get on with YOUR LIFE.
I wish you the absolute best, and am sorry. Do remember, the more you push your Dad the less he will move. If he complains ie. "I have to get a Trust together" tell him "I hear that (attorney name) is pretty good. I will be glad to take you; we can have lunch. Let me know if you want to go".
Then, as they say to the dog with the bone "LEAVE IT". Say no more. This means you will help, but you aren't invested in it.
Best out to you.
One point I'll clarify - you mentioned he isn't asking me to fix his problems. For the most part, he actually is. He expects me to be his savior in every area of life. I'm supposed to help him with everything, do a lot of things for him simply because he can't or he isn't willing to approach things in a way which requires any sacrifice of any kind on his part (either a compromise of some sort, or doing something in a way he doesn't prefer, or him having to spend even a dollar on any type of service to replace what I do for him). Literally he is "helpless" and I am the only one who can "make him happy by helping him." That's his perspective on everything. He is very manipulative and guilt-trippy and really pushes my buttons. Lately it's been getting worse and we have been arguing more. I usually end up yelling at him on the phone and sometimes hang up, otherwise stay on the phone while my heart pounds out of my chest with fury. Either way, I get super drained and then depressed and it affects everything else in my life.
This goes up and down a lot though. Sometimes he is a bit more chill and not as demanding. I think he is having mental decline which may be starting to get into dementia, maybe early stages. I can't imagine anything else which could be causing these swings and his seeming agreement and then disagreement with my perspectives.
As far as my own mental health, I have a doctor who manages my medication and a therapist I talk to, but it's not enough to deal with this stress and other things. I am trying my best to "grow" as a person and stand up for myself more. I easily fall victim to guilt trips, manipulation, emotions, etc, but I am attempting to get better at dealing with it. Unfortunately a brand of RX I have been taking for years is on backorder and so I have had to switch and now I'm not feeling great, but hopefully my body will adjust.
I called some people from social services and other organizations and asked for advice. The advice was to try to work with my dad to find solutions for various challenges, but if he won't agree to things then basically I can't do anything and I just need to deal with my own feelings about the situation. That is, either give in and ruin my life by caring for him out of a feeling of responsibility, guilt, and fear, or somehow overcome those and just accept that sh*t is going to hit the fan worse than ever.
That sounds like a plan to me. A good one: Call 911 for danger.
Feeling concerned can be normal. Is this level OK? Or becoming burdonsome to you? It may mean you call/check up a little more often, or, if that is pushing you too hard into stress, let Dad know who else to call for help. Eg his Doctor.
Tell Dad it's up to him. He chose not to before.. that's ok, but it's also ok to change his mind at any time too.
You are ONE person with your own set of unique skills.
Not a SuperPerson to save your Father from every effect of Life or Old Age (none of us are).
Perhaps living alone is too overwhelming for him and/or he’s lonely . Some elderly people do better downsizing and not having to worry about daily things , cooking , cleaning etc . Perhaps assisted living would be good for him . He would have less belongings that he doesn’t need , have his meals made for him , room cleaned etc . He may even enjoy having other residents to make friends with , go to activities .
Assisted living for Dad would take some stress off both you and Dad .
I remember one Saturday morning when my mom kept telling me that she didn’t feel right.
Mom couldn’t explain how she felt differently but she was concerned. I asked her if she felt that she needed to go to the ER. She said, “Yes. I think something is wrong.”
When I took her to the ER they ran tests and took her vitals. Her blood pressure was very low.
The hospitalist told us that Parkinson’s patients tend to have low blood pressure and that she was taking mom off of her blood pressure meds.
Mom did have high blood pressure in her younger years. So, she took her BP medication regularly.
No one, her primary doctor, nor her neurologist had ever mentioned that people who have Parkinson’s disease will run low BP.
Not long after this happened to my mom, my uncle, mom’s brother who also had Parkinson’s had experienced a low blood pressure episode ended up in the hospital too.
It’s always good to explore why changes are occurring.
I tried to ask all of the important questions when I took mom to the doctor, such as side effects from meds, drug interactions, etc.
We rely on the doctors to inform us about changes but sometimes important information doesn’t get forwarded to us. So, we have to address changes as they arise.
I'm asking because you say he can't afford a doctor and tests.
The good news is he doesn't sound like he's getting any cognitive decline/dementia, just having a pity party he expects you to jump in and solve.
You can try to give him numbers of local Trust Lawyers, and a Junk Removal company. You can help do the homework, but make it clear you aren't doing the actual physical work, period. He's capable to make his own arrangements. Tell him you think it's a smart idea to get his affairs in order and you are SOO glad he is capable at his age.
You can fib and say you hurt your back, pulled a muscle, herniated disc, etc. No heavy lifting, plus you must work full time? Tell him you aren't young anymore either, with a 40 hr job. Did Dad help his elderly parents constantly in middle age? I doubt it.
He needs to realize being stubborn and cheap isn't going to work anymore. If he starts the guilt trips or manipulation, just tell him your Doctor said NO. If he can't maintain his house (and you can't help him either), he should consider downsizing and move to a condo, or a luxury Senior enclave. He'd probably love it, with the amenities and socialization, with much less work.
OR....start nagging him to death when you talk...He needs a checkup, he needs to do his Estate Plan, he needs to chuck his clutter, etc. Reverse psychology? He may stop his nagging if he knows he'll get it right back. Be strong, cut the calls short when he starts, or nag right back. Hopefully that will discourage him.
Good luck!
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