Selfish and unreasonable mother, I don’t know what to do.
My mother is 96 and stills lives in her own home. My two siblings live right next door and my mother is cared for by my brother. I live about 30 miles away. Here’s the “problem.” My brother has babied my mother so much that she expects - no, DEMANDS - the same from everyone in her life. My SIL despises her because my brother has done more for my mother than for his own wife and my sister REFUSES to do anything to help because my mother makes up lies about how sick she is and whines constantly. I’m the baby and my mother uses guilt with me to manipulate me. I seriously don’t want to visit her but I do see her at least once a week and I talk to her everyday. But it always ends with her telling me how “critical” her situation is or making up some exaggerated story about something health-wise that’s happened to her. We can never talk about anything but her pains or near death experience. If I don’t go every week then I get to hear how awful I am. I am seriously sick to death of her but I still feel guilty for not seeing her more. But when I do spend the day with her I end up regretting the trip. She is and has always been a drama queen and a hypochondriac and that’s not going to change. I’m literally at my wits end and don’t know what to do. Getting angry is not the solution. If she’s half as sick as she claims, she needs to be in a NH, but my brother refuses to even talk about it, and quite frankly my mother thinks we all need to give up every spare second to sit with her 24 hours a day.
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I stay positive and if she speaks of illness, pain, etc. I either say nothing, change the subject or say calmly, Take it up with your doctor. I never respond in any other way. I don't even ask how she's feeling, because, I know that she's sicker than she's ever been in her life, every day of the week.
I will say that one of the best things that seems to keep her off whining is giving her compliments. I try to make sure they are genuine, like, mom, I was just thinking about how great you used to be at golf. You sure were a good golf player or man, you sure do cook good apple pie. This appeals to her ego and she may stay positive for awhile.
But, if she returns to negative stuff, I just end the conversation. I won't be pulled down. If it's too toxic, I'd discuss with a counseling about limiting contact. To me, it's about lowering my expectations. I know that my LO is not going to change and one day, she won't be around at all, so, I'll just try to endure. lol Good luck. I know it's so hard.