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My mother has been very irritable and snarky lately. I've noticed that it occurs unexpectedly and usually over little things. Would like to know if others have experienced this and how you dealt with it.

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I'm so proud of the thoughtful and varied answers provided by this compassionate group! Nearly every string gives people some food for thought if not a direct answer for their particular problem.
Take care all and keep up the great sharing!
Carol
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Hi, all - I'd like to second Disgusted's post! Blood sugar issues were at the heart of my mother's anxiety and anger, 1000s of people are going undiagnosed for diabetes 2 and it's very common in seniors. Heart issues should be checked, too. We go around thinking our mind is our own, but we are run by chemical balance! Cajole her into a full physical if she hasn't gone lately. Also, they have all these real emotional struggles and it's something we must learn to work with, I'm glad to see the books mentioned and will check them out.
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petsilove: Oh, absolutely! The caregiver gets treated like the proverbial "chopped liver" because they're the ones who have to remind the elder "now drink your water, take your meds, take a bath," et al. To the one coming in for a visit, the sweet mask comes on the elder's face! However, the throwing of items is something I would not tolerate.
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Aww, shucks 215Pecan, thank you for your kind words! Honestly, Ive gotten so much help from this site and the smart, compassionate people here that it's would make me feel so good if I could say something that could help someone else.
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Talking to my mother-in-law continually left me feeling exhausted and depleted.
She was not only physically challenging due to her combative dementia, but mentally draining too! She hit, kicked, bit or tried to hurt me every chance she got. My defenses were already seriously stressed due to taking care of my husband with cancer and a kidney transplant for over 18 years, my daughter’s pulmonary embolism and my son’s HIV+ status. I had no time to take care of my own health issues. NEVER, absolutely NEVER listen to endless whining, sniveling, carping, depressed-mess, snarky parents. It is MORE than enough that you are taking care of their every need: housing, laundry, cooking, doctors’ visits, meds, wound care. They do not have the right to inflict their depression on you. Get out. Go to a movie. Do something out of their reach. I wish I had taken my own advice. Caregiving ruined my marriage and my health. I finally got to the point where the only thing I would say to her is, "I don't care." Repeated over and over again. And, unfortunately for both of us, when she finally died, I truly didn't care. Ding dong the wicked witch is dead. I don't tell my children anything bad about me. When I went to the hospital for 4 days due to bleeding ulcers and was in coronary care for four days, I never even notified them. I will not do to them what was done to me. Sure, I kept her alive for 22 years of hell but for what purpose. The quality of her life sucked and she made sure everyone else within her grasp's did, too.
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petsilove, that kind of behavior can occur with or without dementia. If you are trying to figure out whether your mom might have dementia, I don't think this particular behavior is going to be definitive.
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Rainmom...you've hit the nail on the head!! Thanks for such a beautiful, descriptive post that actually describes a method of working with Alzheimer's/Dementia patients....using pictures. I can see how this would work well with Autism, too. It takes a village. Thank goodness you decided to write your post instead of thinking it wouldn't matter. It matters greatly.
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My mother will blame me for everything, lost credit cards, charges she doesn't remember making, saying things I never said, throwing things at me but my brother can call or come by in the midst of this and she is so sweet and loving to him. Can people with dementia be selective as to treating people so differently while in this state of mind?
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Wittm- this is a bit off topic but I can't help but respond to your post as the problem you discribe with your mother is not commonly expressed here. I have an idea - I don't know if you've tried anything like this...My adult son has sevear autism. Over the years I've learned a great deal about the condition. I have spent the last year learning about dementia. For a pretty bright gal I am ashamed to admit my previous knowledge fell between stereotypical and ignorant. I have discovered there are many similarities between the two conditions. One thing is, as dementia progresses the person become much more a visual thinker vs an auditory one. This is true of the majority of individuals with autism. With autism and eventually some dementia words dont mean anything to them. The majority of people with autism are nonverbal - many with dementia become nonverbal. A system that greatly helps with autism is pictures. In fact many will carry a small ring of pics attached to a belt loop or backpack so a person with them can show pictures to indicate what's happening next or to let them make choices or indicate needs. Many school age kids with autism respond to pics with line drawings - that never worked with my son, he needed actual photos. Can you try making something like a photo album with pics of choices - that she could point to or touch? A page for drinks with a separate pic of milk, coffee, water, etc. Food choices - a sandwich, a salad, soup etc. if it works it could be expanded to show activities, the toilet, the car etc as a way for you to let her know what's next in the day. With an individual with autism the hope is that they then bring a pic to you to express a need or want, like the toilet. I don't think that last step is likely with dementia due to deminished cognitive thinking vs inability to communicate. But if it would work up until that point - wouldn't it help with your mom? Maybe I'm nuts here, but I thought I'd mention it - it would be soooo great for both of you if it helped.
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When I was in school I never worried about finals until the end of semester.
Aging is the end of semester. When and how and what-after are all heavy questions that particularly weigh on the elderly. So just because someone is retired does not mean they are not stressed. They face a future whose only certainty is that it is at hand, with a weaker body and many of their loved ones left behind. I understand elders being snarky at times.
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Phoenixdaughter, sounds like she is caring for my mom. Especially when it comes to food. It is hard to have them pick what they want from options you give only to have them look at it and say "I'm not going to eat that!". It took time for me to realize that she did not know what the foods I listed were. She no longer knows what a drink is, so if I ask what she wants to drink,she does not know what I am talking about. If I push for her to make a decision she gets snarky - but she will not ask what a drink is.

I find she gets snarky or mean primarily when she is struggling. I find she responds very differently if I can be patient with her and not push. Hugs, "I love you" and kind compliments go a long way to keeping the snark at bay. Mom has lost so much understanding of the meaning of words that it is easier to be patient with her now - even though it has resulted in more work for me.

Bite your tongue when you want to correct something she has done wrong. I realized that my corrections helped me vent frustration, but really did her no good and in multiples upset her. So what was I achieving - nothing. Be loving and kind. If she gets mean - call her on it. Say that you treat her kindly and do not deserve the way she is treating you. These things have worked for me.
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Jazzyfox61: My late mother was one of those rare individuals who never complained. She sugar-coated EVERYTHING! And while you would think that generally was a good thing, it wasn't. Here's why-doctor "what's wrong N?" (name withheld for privacy reasons), N-"oh, nothing." I said 'Mother, you've got to speak up, else the medical professional is going to send you away with nothing accomplished," which is exactly what happened until I had to move in with her.So there has to be a middle ground between sweet and sour!
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The 36 HOUR DAY is the best book I have ever read. and I have read many. I can't praise it enough!!!! Go buy it if you don't have it. You will be glad you did.
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First, we need to understand that the words "seniors" and "dementia" are not interchangeable. Do seniors go through mood swings more than others? In general, healthy, active seniors who I know are some of the most stable people around. They know what is important and what is not. They have good brains and if they have health issues, they deal with them and continue on.

People with dementia (even younger people who have younger onset Alzheimer's disease) will likely have dramatic mood swings. People who have depression, whatever the cause, or other mental health diseases, are likely to have mood changes. People in chronic pain or who have problems breathing are likely to have mood swings. People who have uncontrolled diabetes or terrible diets may have mood swings. This is true at any age.

Having physical issues addressed and, if cognitive issues are a likely problem having them addressed, is how we can decide if someone who is having major mood issues needs help.

Yes, age is a major risk factor for dementia, so if you have a family member who is getting older and is having mood swings, that person could be in the earlier stages of dementia. Getting checked by a qualified physician is what needs to be done.

I'd love to see everyone who has "difficult" elders be able to accomplish this, but sadly, many elders will refuse to be treated. In that case, those elders will likely be very difficult.Their refusal to get medical help is often part of their disease which makes the whole process horrible for their loved ones.
Carol
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In my mother's case, she has become kinder and nicer as she has aged, esp in the last 6 months. I was told to leave her alone (that's a nice way to put what she said to me) and so I did, for about 5 months. When I did a tentative step back into some caregiving, she was surprisingly sweet, which she has never really been. In asking my brother, who is her primary caregiver, he said 'I think she's had some mild strokes". Well, if that's what it took to level her out, OK. someone once told me that we don't REALLY change as we age, we just get "more like ourselves". I'm finding that true in myself...and trying to be aware of it and not drive my family batty.
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Obviously moodiness in elders is real. Otherwise there wouldn't be books about it! But it is not universal. Not all elders, or even all elders with dementia, have mood swings.

My husband did not. (Died at age 86, with LBD.) My mother does not. (Now 96, with dementia.)

If your loved one does not exhibit mood swings, enjoy! You don't have to hold your breath wondering when it will start. It may not at all.
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Another excellent book that has helped me with my parents is "Boundaries: a Book By: Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. John Townsend I found it on Amazon and there were many used, inexpensive copies too. It is Christian based, but that's mostly consisting of quotes from the Bible that might help with a focus. They are not pushing a Christian approach or anything. A bit of humor, but a LOT of ideas on actual ways of speaking and ways of gently confronting the bad behavior. It was VERY helpful for me, as I was, historically, raised to OBEY....and never talk back and 'jump when told to jump' and children like us, take a lot of that into adult relationships with our parents. We have to learn that roles are reversed....and while we don't want to treat parents like children, from a communication perspective, we do have to look at them as children sort of from a behavior control perspective, and from an awareness increase that they no longer know more than we do, and they are no longer safe to make their own decisions and that our goals as we help them is NOT to keep them happy at all costs, but to keep them safe at all costs.
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One possibility that may contribute to a senior's snarkiness is a UTI, Urinary Tract Infection, or aka bladder infection. It would be worth a try....get a urinalysis on her urine at the doctor's office. The results will show whether she has a UTI, or not. Bladder infections can cause huge changes in personality. When you know someone well, and their behavior suddenly changes, always suspect a UTI/bladder infection, and have their urine tested for one. I'm a senior caregiver/companion. Almost all of my clients - without fail - have recurring UTI's and they are difficult to get rid of when one gets older. Hope this helps.....
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I think a lot of seniors have blood sugar issues and this can make worse anything that they are feeling. Having your body failing, losing independence and then having someone come and help with even the best of intentions can be difficult for anyone to accept. My father is getting a lot like this now and my mother is in the late stages of Alzheimer's with only months or weeks to live. They've been married 64 years and together even longer. My father has also lost most all of his friends and business partners, they've died. Couple all that together and you have the perfect storm. Frustrations and anger about what is happening that cannot be stopped and the one trying to help becomes the target. It's a very difficult situation.
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I agree with everything the other posters have said. My mom was always a self-centered, negative "victim", but when she started to go downhill with dementia, it got worse. As the only child, of course I was the target. One day I visited her and although she was still rambling nonsensical things, she suddenly said, "When I look in the mirror, I don't recognize myself anymore." I can't even imagine what that must be like. We all cope with aging. But in your mind, to see yourself like when you were decades younger, to spend most of your time in that world and then catch your reflection in the mirror and see someone your don't recognize even though you know, on some level, it's YOU...how awful that must be. Mom is still negative, sometimes combative and talking nonsense, but this one statement she made, this revelation, helped me to understand her world as it is now a little bit better.
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I agree with the other posts whole heartedly. Sadly, I believe what you are describing is the beginning of a long journey along the "Dementia Road". Start to learn as much as you can, consult legal and medical advice, update POAs for medical and financial issues, purchase long term care insurance or face the reality of using her or your assets as self-funded, etc. Believe me, it is a bumpy road, but your love for her will cushion the ride. It may be the most significant challenge of your life.
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Talk to her doctor. Anyone with a heart condition can have clinical depression. Senior females will have lowered hormones that can throw off chemicals in the body, but there is no age group that has a license to be nasty (unless you are a two-year old). Check out her thyroid, and/or she could be having dementia symptoms and she doesn't know what to do about her unusual thinking.
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I just read a really great book called "The 36 Hour Day." I gained insight into the situations that might lead my mother to have a burst of temper. Now I know to back off a bit when I see the first signs of confusion and frustration. If I push her further it leads to a full blown burst of temper.
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I have read with great respect to all who are answering. Even though it has all bee addressed very well, I felt I had to comment. This forum was a lifeline for me as I was taking care of my mama.
Elder rage is very real but manageable. Please remeber even if direct at you it is not about you, Your mama has gone from being able to take care of herself to now needing help. Things that she was once able to do, she no longer can. It is hard to depend on another. It is hard to lose control. It is hard to no longer be who you once were. Any of us would be frustrated and probably raging. Please read the book, glean from it what you can, pray often, go outside and scream or cry yourself, if needed. Above all don't give up and don't stop loving mama. My mother left me over a year ago. The time comes much quicker than you thin it will be and then everything pales. You can do it. Love, love, love. There were days I was harder on mama as she changed because her doctor never said dementia. It wasn't until three months before I lost her that I heard those words. She lived with us for five years. Be patient with her and yourself. Blessings!
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Jazzy the simple answer is yes they do especially if they are failing mentally and physically although either one can initiate it. However in my experience it is NEVER the real problem that generates the snarkiness it always seems to be a button they know they can press to get a response to which they can really get snappy about.

Example: Mum can't get the top of her sweet jar - now she will get really mad because she has to ask me to do it (although she wont - she will just point and says I have put in on too tightly despite me never touching it!) and I will open it for her and all will be well. Then as I put lunch on the table she will start. Thats too much, I don't like, you haven't cut the meat thin enough, you know I don't eat x y or z and it changes every day so I truly don't know what she wont eat at any given meal.

She knows and there is not one doubt in my mind of her awareness here that by attacking me over my cooking or meal preparation she will get a response and then she can really let rip. If I push back too much the plate will go on the floor or thrown at me.

I have learnt and am still learning not to bite back but it is damned hard. I tried asking her what she would like - waste of time - I get told cake or chocolate sandwiches or toast and jam. It is I am afraid something you will have to learn to cope with as I find each step down causes her anxiety which isn't managed with meds - the docs have said they can managed it with meds but she would be asleep almost all the time and the guidelines forbid that sort of medication (as they should - it hastens death if the elderly are asleep that much0. eep breath bite the bullet and try empathy - it hasn't worked for me at all but I know as Pam said it does work for some
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I would have lunch with her and beat around the bush long enough until she would confide in me. I complained about my memory loss, my weak bladder and so on until I hit the nail on the head. We would commiserate and she would feel better after she vented.
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Hi - I read a book called Elder Rage written by and about Jacqueline Marcell's trials, tribulations, and eventual success at managing the care of her aging parents. "Elder Rage" is also an extensive self-help book with creative solutions for effective management medically, behaviorally, socially, legally, financially, and emotionally of challenging elders who resist care.

It is an extreme example of elderly issues surrounding temperament. I am not certain I agree with the entirety of the contents of the book, but it did help me realize I was not alone - and for some of us - that is also known as survival
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I don't know if their mood swings are greater, but between them loosing their social filters due to dementia and having both their body and mind deteriorating- they've got more to be moody about. As for their families and caregivers learning to deal with it, that seems to be the challenge- one that results in busy websites such as this one. At least for me, I learned a little late in the game that determining boundries is key. What you will stand for in terms of verbal abuse and expectations regarding the time, energy and sacrifice it takes to be a hands-on caregiver and/or a care manager and coordinator. That can be difficult enough but even more challenging- at least for me - is the ability to grow a thick skin, let mean and snarky words and behavior roll off your back - and remembering that they are in fact ill and often it is the illness that is to blame.
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