For years, my 74 year old mother ignored advice given to her by her doctors, diabetic nurses and physiotherapists. (She is widowed and never remarried.)
Now, she is suffering from the consequences of those decisions: congestive heart failure, diabetes and weak musculature. She requires a surgery to repair a hernia that is causing a bowel obstruction/back pain - but is too high of a risk for surgery. If the doctor decides to operate, there is a 30% chance that she may die within 30 days of the surgery due to complications.
I feel very bad for her, even though I was never in control of her life choices. (In fact, she was adamant throughout her life that *she* was in control of her life and her choices.)
I wish things were different for her. But I can't change her circumstances, and part of me feels responsible for situation.
(I thought I had a question when I started typing this, but maybe I'm just getting my thoughts out.)
Thanks for listening.
The answer to that can be found in the alanon adage, "You did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it.
I grew up with a parent who had chronic and disabling medical issues. From very early in my childhood I lived in fear of my mother's death. I was very close to her and very protective of her. Ultimately, my mother lived till age 66. I was 31 years old! I experienced a very complex grief reaction. It took 2 full years for me to find any joy in life after she passed. To my surprise, as sad as I was that she died, I felt tremendous relief. I came to understand I was traumatized due to worrying about mother all my life and feeling responsible to "save" her. What an impossible burden for a child to carry.
If anything in my story resonates for you, I hope you will find relative peace and understanding around your mother's choices and her right to make those choices for herself. What has happened to her can be considered karma, or consequences or plain old bad luck. And, yes, it is very sad.
Please be kind to yourself. You sound like an insightful person and a good daughter. I am hoping for a good outcome from the surgery and peace of mind for you, no matter what.
Can you tell me how you are responsible for your mother's choices?
I don't understand that at all.
Guilt requires causation.
Sorry, but you didn't cause any of this, nor can you fix it. It is what it is.
And I will tell you, diabetes if it is type II does have some component of patient responsibility if caused by obesity, but there is nothing simple around the genetic/familial/choice components even in the case of obesity. As an RN I can tell you that to live to 74 with diabetes as an issue is in itself an accomplishment.
You are an adult. You may require counseling so that you can fully embrace that this is not guilt you feel, but grief and helplessness. And is this not worth grieving? And are you not helpless to change any of this?
Grieving is normal. Feelings of guilt are NOT, and you need to take responsibility to learn how to change your habitual ways of thinking about this.
Your Mom has a failing heart. She is ill. While there may have been some things she could have done long ago, she did not. And while they may have given her some few more years, that she doesn't have them can't be changed. As I say of myself at 81, no one writes the obit of someone in her 80s and says "Oh, dear. So young. So beautiful". They don't say it about us in our obit at mid 70s either.
I am sorry. You are witnessing the failure of your mom, her ongoing struggle, the difficult choices. This isn't a happy time. It is worth your tears. It is worth your grief. And taking on responsibility and guilt that isn't yours may be just a way to avoid the sad realm of inevitability.
I wish you the very best. Get help in understanding all this if you need it. I wish both you and your mom the very best it can be ongoing. Have good discussions. Let her access palliative and Hospice when she can so that she is medicated against pain and suffering. I am very sorry. We are all going here. That we go at 75 or 85 doesn't make a whole lot of difference often enough. There are little children who die of cancer of the brain at age 5 and I have seen that. Your mom lived her life as she chose and has had a good long one.
You are feeling grief, not guilt. May you receive peace in your heart.
So DO NOT blame yourself, or feel guilty for HER poor choices.
You are not responsible for any of it.
Of course you feel bad, because you care. It's not a happy situation.
Many things in life are not in our control. Not your fault.
You will make it.
We are not responsible for other's choices. You cannot feel guilty or feel responsible for the situation Mom is in. She refused to listen to her doctors, so now she is paying the consequences. Her fault not yours. All you can do is be there for her. Don't quit your job to be her caregiver, there are options but u can be there.
My ex died at the age of 69 from CHF. We had a DD he chose not to be part of her life. She has some of his traits. Not the bad ones TG. He missed out so much and she would have been there for him. But he chose to die in his recliner, watching TV and drinking beer. Is that my DDs fault. No, it was the choices he made.
I mean WTH??? Your mother is a grown ass woman and has chosen to do her life her way. Isn't that the way you do your life? I sure hope so.
We are all responsible for the choices we make in our lives and now your mother is reaping the consequences of her choices.
This has absolutely NOTHING to do with you.
And if anything, you're more than likely feeling grief instead of guilt about the fact that you're probably going to lose your mother sooner than later due to her bad choices, and I will give you that.
But please don't take on the needless guilt that only belongs to her.
You are right; I think I may be experiencing grief because I can sense that my mom's health is not likely to improve from this point.
However, I do recall fantastic memories of her in her younger years and am grateful that she has been blessed with friend/family connections.
I will phone my EAP provider through work and speak to a counselor.
Thank you, everyone. You are beacons of light in the "fog" of grief.
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